Inshallah literally translated is “God willing” in Arabic, but
it’s got layers of meaning.
I first came across it in a George Packer essay in
The New
Yorker about the chaos following the American
invasion of Iraq. Pakistani-American writer Wajahat Ali calls it
the Middle Eastern version of “fuggedaboutit.”
“It transports both the speaker and the listener to a
fantastical place where promises, dreams and realistic goals are
replaced by delusional hope and earnest yearning,” writes Ali.
Inshallah.
As in, want the WSL 2021 season to happen, would be great if it
did, but it’s a fantasy to imagine it will go off as planned.
Why?
Let’s start with the season opening Triple Crown contests. If
you’re an American, you’re welcome to fly to Hawaii anytime, but
you’ll have to quarantine for two weeks in an airport hotel at your
expense before you can go to the North Shore.
The mandatory confinement order was supposed to be lifted on
August 1. It just got moved to September.
The Hawaiian Islands have been spared so far from the ravages of
the pandemic because of the restrictions.
In New York State, where the virus was seeded by travellers
arriving from Europe, 33,000 people have died from the virus; in
Hawaii that number is 26.
Say Hawaii governor David Ige decrees that the islands can’t
survive without tourism and he ends the quarantine.
How fast does that 26 death toll go to 100, then a 1000?
Does it reach the seven-thousand mark as Florida, another
tourist destination, is about to?
Shit, so the quarantine likely stays.
The WSL surfers and staff all arrive at HNL, hang out for a
couple weeks in a hotel, then get to work. All good except the
majority of the surfers are from Brazil. Brazilians are currently
barred from entering the USA, as are Europeans. South Africans
aren’t going anywhere either. Australians are allowed, but try
getting an overseas flight. Qantas cancelled all of theirs until
2021.
So, here comes the season opening Billabong Pipeline Masters
starring Hawaiians, mainland Americans and Australians –maybe.
Everyone’s six feet away from each other on the beach. Following
the lead of the NBA, the WSL puts the surfers and staff in a hotel
bubble. Travel and Leisure is reporting that Hawaii is thinking
about requiring visitors to stay inside of their resort’s
“geofence” for the duration of their stay.
Sweet, so now it’s the Turtle Bay Masters.
Point is, barring a blitzkrieg deployment of a miracle vaccine
across the world that makes this virus thing “magically go away” by
November, Hawaii’s not looking good.
Onto 2021. Here’s how it’s looking at the moment…
Portugal in February: Portugal is currently closed to anyone
from outside the EU who is traveling for non-essential purposes.
Surf contests are essential, right?
Australia in March/April: No one can go to Australia except
Aussies and Kiwis.
Brazil in May: No foreigners can enter Brazil without government
authorization. Maybe Medina and Neymar can hook everyone up.
Surf Ranch in June: Same as Hawaii minus the quarantine.
G-Land in June: No non-Indonesians allowed except those “working
on strategic national interests?” Does a surf contest in the jungle
apply?
J Bay in July: No commercial flights into South Africa. Shot
bru.
Tahiti in August: Closed to everyone except travelers from a
handful of European countries. Entrants must fill out a “sanitary
entry form” and agree to pay for their expenses if they get
sick.
September, WSL Finals: I’m thinking Maldives. Tropical
perfection and It’s open to all! Pass a medical inspection at
customs and you’re in. Good luck finding a way to fly there though
that transits through a country that will let you step off the
plane.
It’s a shit start of affairs, innit? Anybody out there know of a
way to pull off a world tour if the Covid conditions stay the way
they are?
What happens if they get worse?
More than half of the events are scheduled in countries that
haven’t yet faced a full-scale outbreak.
The WSL has a tall mountain to climb.
Maybe they have incredible contingencies in place for staging
events that involve charter flights, international diplomacy, rapid
results testing and sophisticated medical protocols. But what
happens when a sport like Major League Baseball, which has all of
those things, and an annual revenue of $10.7 billion, now finds
itself in a situation where seventeen players on a single team have
tested positive?
The WSL is going glass half full on this one. They’re living on
a prayer and just hoping, like all of us are, that next year is
better than the horror show of 2020.
The sad irony is that professional surfing is one of the only
sports that is socially distant by nature.
Put a couple people in the water, man a few cameras, turn on the
internet switch and it’s on. Then of course there’s the permitting,
the scaffolding, the crowd control, the catering, the
accommodation, the transportation, and that’s where the virus
stuffs it all up.
But we’re in the midst of a month-long flat spell here in
California.
My expectations are low. My delusional hopes and earnest
yearnings are high. I’ll watch anything live. I’m calling it now.
Griffin versus Kolohe tomorrow at 9am at T-Street. Streamed live on
instagram from Jacob Vanderwork’s phone. Loser buys lunch.
Inshallah.
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Controversy: Red Bull reels as
Austrian-owned energy drink maker allegedly fires top executives
over leaks related to diversity program; potential
anti-discrimination lawsuits on horizon!
Two weeks ago, an eternity in our Covid era,
you read
here that Austrian-owned Red Bull, the world’s largest
energy drink maker, dipped a toe into extremely hot water by firing
top North American executives.
CEO Stefan Kozak and President/CMO Amy Taylor were dismissed
after leaked memos dated from June 1 detailed employee frustration
and criticism regarding Red Bull’s “public silence” on Black Lives
Matter.
Employees declared the move was retaliatory as both executives
were popular.
The story remained shockingly dormant with only Business
Insider and your BeachGrit covering… until today with
Forbes jumping into the ring, examining both the claims
and possible penalties facing Red Bull.
The firings came just weeks after employees leaked an
internal letter addressed to Kozak and Taylor and signed by over
300 employees in which Red Bull leadership was criticized for what
the employees called its “public silence” on the Black Lives Matter
movement.
“As we scroll through social media feeds filled with brands
making posts in solidarity, donating to worthy causes, and
committing to looking inward to tackle racism, we wonder when we
will be able to feel proud that our company is taking those same
steps,” the June 1 letter said.
The following day, on June 2, Red Bull posted a
#BlackoutTuesday image to its Instagram profile, which boasts 13.2
million followers. The brand’s next Instagram post came four weeks
later, on June 29, to announce its fundraising support for the 1
Planet One People initiative, which was co-founded by sports
commentator and surfer Selema Masekela and aims to support racial
and social equality.
“For the first time ever in my life, no one can hide from
this question of inequality and race in America,” Masekela is
quoted in the post. “If you have a platform it’s time to start
using it for a higher purpose.”
Masekela’s 1 Planet One
People has as its goal, “for people to use the hashtag
#1PlanetPeople in hopes to create a community that supports climate
action, racial and social equality.”
According to Business Insider, Kozack and Taylor had
reportedly been working on a truly robust diversity
program at Red Bull but received “pushback” from
Austria.
The shortcomings in directly addressing the issues roiling
America, and much of the world, allegedly frustrated employees, who
leaked the internal memos that lead to the firings.
Forbes detailed the possible trouble that Red Bull
could find itself in, including civil penalties that fall under
anti-discrimination laws.
Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964 prohibits U.S.
businesses from retaliating against employees for opposing
discriminatory employment practices. Generally, to prevail on a
retaliation claim in court, a plaintiff must prove that an
individual engaged in a “protected activity” that served as the
basis for a materially adverse employment action, such as a
termination, a demotion or a reduction in pay.
Red Bull’s company board responded to Forbes via email, “We
reject racism in every form, we always have, and we always will.
Red Bull has always put people and their dreams and accomplishments
at its core and values the contribution of each and every person —
no matter who they are. We want everyone who feels this way to be
welcome in Red Bull.”
More as the story develops.
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Long Read: “…so then we were kidnapped by
Hezbollah and I wrote about it in a surf book that mostly dealt
with life on Oahu’s North Shore from the perspective of a surf
journalist raised in Coos Bay, Oregon!”
In exactly two weeks, on August 11, my
third book Reports from Hell releases into the wild. Books are
strange things, antiquated and cumbersome, but I love them beyond
any other human invention. Love holding them, smelling them,
caressing them, reading them and writing them. As much of a silly
narcissist as I appear, I don’t like promoting them, though, but
that is a necessary part of the affair.
If you would like, you can pre-order a
signed copy here. Or buy one on Amazon. Or anywhere
books are sold. I’ll be doing an online reading with La Jolla’s
iconic Warwick’s (link here) on August
12th too.
Here is the prologue.
Thank you, sincerely, for reading. As much of a shallow
narcissist as I appear, I appreciate you all very much.
Miami, yesterday
I’m standing in the right wing of a Baz Luhrmann–designed
theater behind a luxurious velvet red curtain with General David
Petraeus, who happens to be telling me about Syria, and I’m nodding
along but mostly thinking that he is not as short as everyone says.
His biceps, knotted little balls sticking out of a shiny gray polo
shirt, pull most of my focus. His skin is that waxy, shiny, taut
thing that happens to people who work out compulsively in
subscription gyms—but he seems normal, at least height-wise. Maybe
even above average. Everyone had said he was really short. Like,
exceptionally short.
On stage, a hedge-fund manager is talking about shorting Warren
Buffett’s company, Berkshire Hathaway. Or actually he’s saying that
he would never short Warren Buffett while also saying that
Berkshire Hathaway’s stock will lose at least fifteen percent of
its value when Buffett steps down as chairman and that he is
basically two hundred and thirty years old and might step down any
day, so it sounds to me like he is talking about shorting Warren
Buffett.
The room is filled with other hedge-fund managers scribbling
furious notes as titans of finance, political insiders, professors,
doctors, and billionaires discuss the state of the world at a very
exclusive, invite-only financial conference in Miami’s just-opened
Faena Hotel. There is a twenty-million-dollar penthouse up top and
a twenty-million-dollar Damian Hirst–gilded wooly mammoth in
hurricane-proof glass out front.
And General David Petraeus is sharing with me that Syria will
likely never again unify, but he’s doing so in a small-talky sort
of way. After the brave man calling bullshit on Buffett’s empire is
finished, I’m supposed to interview the general onstage about
current events in the Middle East and how they affect international
marketplaces. I’m also supposed to be calling him “general” but
he’s not a general anymore unless “general” is like “doctor” and
you get to keep the title even after being unceremoniously shown
the door and retiring to save whatever face you used to have.
Either way, he earned it.
After graduating from West Point, he’d served in Haiti and
Bosnia before being promoted to general and heading off to Iraq,
distinguishing himself in both combat and the nation-building that
followed. After, it was off to command the US forces in Afghanistan
then retiring from the military and becoming the director of the
Central Intelligence Agency. That’s where he had a steamy affair
with his biographer, Paula Broadwell, and lost everything except
his handle.
Of course, I’m not supposed to ask him about the affair, but
really, and I say this even as a famous-in-some-circles surf
journalist, who cares? The appetites and foibles of powerful men
are as interesting and unpredictable as American Treasury Bonds,
which I just learned about two speakers ago and which are neither
interesting nor unpredictable. The narcissism that it takes to
climb to the top—the drive, ambition, self-obsession, and the
self-belief— is an utterly knowable phenomenon.
His voice is quiet yet authoritative. He delivers easily
digestible, easy-to-understand drips of Middle Eastern insight that
I imagine rack-rate conference-goers crave, though he isn’t looking
at me but rather studying the printed notes in his hand instead.
They are the questions I’m supposed to ask him once we go out
onstage, ones submitted in advance, but I was drunk when I wrote
them a week ago, so can’t remember what they are. I try to steal a
glance, but the only one I can see reads, “Oil?”
He has transitioned now and says something about Hezbollah’s
interference in regional stability and I accidently snort. He stops
suddenly and fixes me in his steely eyes. They’re piercing, almost
like a bird’s, and I wish he would stop looking at me again.
To break the tension I say, “Oh. I’ve spent some time with
Hezbollah.” The stare intensifies and I want him to go back to
looking at my drunken questions while patronizingly walking me
through the current state of Syria’s union but add, “They kidnapped
me and my best friend, Josh. Or not really kidnapped, but they did
blind us, stick pistols to our temples, drive around for a bit,
throw us in a blood-smeared dungeon, interrogate us, and then feed
us a delicious dinner.”
He cocks his head slightly and now I’m stuck, so I just start
rolling out the story.
“Okay, so do you remember when Al Gore launched his television
channel Current TV in the mid-2000s? I can’t think of why he did it
or who his partners were, but anyhow, along with my best friends
Josh and Nate, we were sent over by Current to Lebanon in 2006 to
cover the Israeli invasion because, well…” and I pause trying to do
the math. His expression hasn’t changed. “…right after 9/11 we were
the first people to ever surf mainland Yemen and while we were
there sort of stumbled onto the headwaters of violent anti-state
radicalism…or, wait, we found that the second time we were in
Yemen, riding motorcycles through Osama bin Laden’s ancestral
village, which we were only doing to get to India and this madrassa
where that ideology had metastasized but got all screwed up because
Josh saved me from a life spent trying to be famous and decided we
needed to kidnap a monkey in Bombay and take it to Pakistan
first…or not kidnap but somehow procure a monkey in Bombay and take
it to Pakistan because in Pakistan he would be truly revered and
live a better life but…sorry, that was right after Lebanon.”
My mouth kept moving and the words kept coming out, even though
they all sound patently ridiculous even to me, even though I lived
them. Like, what the hell was Al Gore thinking when he launched a
premium cable network channel in the mid-2000s? Especially one
built off user-generated content? Hadn’t he foreseen the Internet
and/or invented it?
In any case, a producer at Current had read some of our
adventure stories, reached out and asked us if we’d consider doing
a bit for them, possibly a series or host a segment. “Pods” is what
they called them, and they were basically YouTube videos for cable
television before YouTube videos existed. Tensions between
Hezbollah and Israel had just started to flare with Hezbollah
snagging two Israeli soldiers and Israel threatening full-scale
invasion. We told him that the only thing we were interested in was
the impending war. They agreed at once and Josh and I were thrilled
because we had signed a development deal at Fremantle Media the
year before as they had also wanted to make a show about our
adventures, partying with terrorists, etc., but things had taken a
very ugly turn and devolved into a show about us going to Timbuktu
in order to discover new musical acts.
We gave them an ultimatum—either let us go and cover a real war
or let us out of our deal—which seemed a fine scenario, all things
considered, and it worked like a charm. They balked, insisting that
the musical acts of Timbuktu would shine if we would only give the
concept a chance, but they understood our bloodlust. We recruited
our other best friend, Nate, who had just finished his master’s
degree at American University of Beirut in political studies and
found ourselves on an airplane to Amman, Jordan, just two weeks
later, right after Israeli bombs had rendered Beirut International
useless.
“…so we found a cab driver in Amman who had agreed to drive us
into Syria,” I continue to tell the general, “then we headed over
the border to Beirut even though the border had been totally bombed
out, but the driver started to get cold feet as we got farther and
farther away from Amman because he said our giant shiny Mylar surf
board coffin strapped to the cab’s roof would look like missiles or
something nasty to the Israeli jets that were running
around-the-clock sorties…”
Now General David Petraeus is really staring at me.
Going all the way back to Yemen, Bombay, and Amman to get to the
damned Hezbollah kidnapping story was misguided in retrospect, but
as I was thinking about it again, why had we brought surf boards
with us in the first place? I mean, obviously to surf, but the war
happened in the summer and the Mediterranean that laps Lebanon’s
coastline is as flat as a pancake from late spring to late autumn.
The only possibility of surf, which we had gotten pretty good on a
few different occasions, was middle winter, when the seasonal
storms were violent enough to whip the sea into little head-high
nuggets. We’d had some honest-to-goodness fun sessions in Lebanon,
though I pry my mind away from remembering them so I don’t spin
General David Petraeus out any further.
“…but that guy had a brother or cousin or brother-in-law in
Syria who agreed to finish the job, so we bundled into his cab and
he was furious about the surf boards but also had a small Chinese
or Korean van. You know the ones, right? I’m sure they were all
over Iraq when you were there. Those super micro vans that they
love to stuff forty adult males into throughout the Middle East.
Yeah?”
General David Petraeus dips his head slightly in agreement,
though his eyes have lost none of their intensity.
“Well, he called that in and figured we would put the damned
surfboards inside the van and away from prying Israeli pilot eyes
once we arrived at the border, which was a total junk show when we
did. It was crowded with all sorts of displaced people and so
bombed out and smoldering that his small Japanese van wheels had an
impossible time and we had to get out and lift the damned van and
our surfboards and the driver over the bigger craters. We were
sweating like crazy, and I had an awful haircut then that made me
look exactly like Ellen DeGeneres but we made it, somehow, to
Beirut where our first stop was Europcar, where we rented an Audi
A4 because we figured that was the only right way to cover a
war…”
He thinks I’m slow. I can tell he thinks I’m slow because I’m
telling him about an Audi A4 and I would think I was retarded too.
He’s a decorated veteran who cut his teeth in Iraq, took towns
under fire while bravely sitting shotgun in a Humvee with his jaw
set and his eyes birdlike, scanning the horizon. I mean, I guess
he’s short, though not that short. A Humvee is the sort of car
General David Petraeus drives, though. Humvees or maybe Dodge
Durangos. Something big and American, but it’s true. We had rented
an Audi A4 because we figured that was the real way to cover a war,
Anderson Cooper and the rest of them be damned. We would have
rented a Porsche 911 if they had had one. It really was crazy that
Europcar was open at all, much less renting cars, to say nothing of
renting them to us. It was still very early days in the Israeli
bombing campaign and I don’t think they had even sent troops across
the border yet, but it was still a war, and what in the world were
we doing there? Why did those Lebanese Europcar employees think we
were there? They certainly didn’t ask too many questions, though we
would later supplement our Audi A4 with two motor scooters because
we realized quickly, and should have realized in the small Japanese
van, that bomb-cratered roads are an absolute pain in the ass. We
wanted the scooters to be motorcycles, cool James Dean café
racers, but we couldn’t find any and had to settle for ugly Chinese
toys.
“…and Josh and I were on our scooters because we had just ridden
them from Beirut to Damascus to deliver our MiniDV tapes to our
editor back in the States, who was a lunatic, and we had spent our
entire budget on champagne and children’s Halloween costumes, but
since the airport was all bombed out in Beirut, and since Israeli
intelligence was snooping on every piece of mail coming out of
Lebanon, it was our only play. The thing was supposed to be
‘current’ after all.
“Man, that was a savage run. Israeli drones strafed us as we
throttled across the Bekaa at midnight. You could hear them coming.
Hear them like giant mosquitos looking for blood… oh, and Hezbollah
had gotten ahold of us on that run too but let us go because they
assumed the Israeli Air Force would take care of the job for them.
But we made it, dropped the tapes, slept for a few hours, had
Bloody Marys in Damascus’s brand-new Four Seasons, then made it
back to Beirut right when we saw a huge bomb explode in the Dahieh
and decided we had to scooter in and check it out…”
I feel a tap on my shoulder and swing around to see the stage
manager, a kind, middle-aged Puerto Rican or possibly Cuba wearing
a navy-blue H&M suit looking at me very apologetically. “I’m so
sorry but it’s time for you and the general…” He motions toward the
stage.
Wow.
I sure had gone off the rails there despite not wanting to
begin, savoring the utter absurdity as I relived it again. General
Petraeus is less into it. His eyes have transitioned from birdlike
to politely interested to mildly shocked to mostly addled to dead
as doornails, either because his Middle Eastern life is far more
fabulous than my own, what with his leading troops into combat,
knowing every secret in the CIA’s vault, and sexting a biographer
with an epically shiny, Botox-enhanced forehead, or because my
Middle Eastern life makes no sense at all. In fact, it makes such
non-sense that it forces everyone from Fremantle to the general
public to General Petraeus into a catatonic,
what-the-hell-are-you-on-about-
I-literally-have-zero-handle-on-your-references state. Or because
my Middle Eastern life makes his look like a dull, uninspired
sitcom where the punchlines are telegraphed, the lessons are
canned, and the laughter is too. A tableau of suppositions and
formula connected to reality by only the most boring strands.
In this particular case, it may be a combo of all three. I
follow him on to the stage muttering, “…so then we were kidnapped
by Hezbollah and I wrote about it in a surf book that mostly dealt
with life on Oahu’s North Shore from the perspective of a surf
journalist raised in Coos Bay, Oregon…” but he doesn’t hear me
because he’s in conference mode, soaking in hedge-fund applause
while the master of ceremonies details all of his decorations and
then introduces the surf journalist who will be interviewing him.
We both sink into the plush chairs that have been set up for us—
General Petraeus sitting ramrod straight and me all bendy and
fidgety. The conference’s founder thought it would be funny to
throw a screwball at the audience. Something they wouldn’t
expect.
I’m supposed to be the screwball, but I’ve also seen General
Petraeus’s Global War on Terror from more angles than he has. I
have seen it spreading across a Yemen, Syria, Lebanon, Somalia,
Egypt, Jordan, Iraq, India, Pakistan, and Afghanistan that no
longer exist. I have seen and experienced a world vanished forever
by an epic explosion, and as General Petraeus starts to drone on
about Saudi Arabia being our great ally and a great investment
opportunity, I put my Tom Ford sunglasses on, slouch deeply in my
chair, and stare into the burning klieg light.
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Alien fish spat onto sand.
New York City shutters beaches after shark
bites “mystery alien fish” in two!
The Bagel's sweaty summer of discontent
continues…
The ´Ol NYC can take a chunk outta ya in many
ways.
Every corner reveals some new chic and trixy way to liberate you
of everything from self-esteem to the loose change in your
sack.
And now you can add the loosing of a femoral artery by way of
our old pals Selachimorpha.
The beaches of Hempstead (Lido, Point Look Out, Long Beach –The
Quiksilver Pro was run there) are a pretty haven where the suburbs
meet the sea. They rest about thirty minutes, or five hours if you
take the Cross Bronx Expressway, from Manhattan.
As of today, where the weather hovered around ninety-six
degrees, those beaches are closed.
Locals received this message via text today: *Shark Sighting
Update* A second shark has been spotted in the water near Town of
Hempstead beaches. Lifeguards have red flagged the strip of water
as per the NYS protocols. Due to this second sighting, swimming
remains prohibited at certain Town of Hempstead beaches: Civic
Beach, Lido Beach, Lido West Beach, Town Park, Point Lookout and
Town Park at Sands. Lifeguards will continue to monitor the
situation and determine when it is once again safe for swimming to
resume.
Remember Clash of the Titans ?
The Stygian Witches?
“A TITAN VS. TITIAN!!!!!”
Apparently, being a member of the alien family with a wing span
of an NBA point guard is not enough to win a game of tag verses
Jaws.
Thresher sharks are common in the waters off Long Island during
the summer months as the Gulfstream warms the waters, but their
cute little mouths probs can’t incise the hunk of flesh ripped
outta this carcass.
Any marine biologists care to take a guess what left this dental
impression?
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Open for Trading (again): Join BeachGrit’s
winner-take-all Survivor League!
In the middle of last year, and shortly before
the hellfires of 2020, we announced a terrifically exciting
version of fantasy surfer.
Easy to play, limited numbers, a thousand bucks to the
champ.
Its creator, Costa Mesa’s Taylor Lobdell, a recent migrant to
the tech industry in San Francisco, was a fan of the WSL tour but
not its clunky fantasy surfer league, and its absence of any sort
of incentive to play.
Anyway, tour is back, maybe, although Pipe is looking shaky
(story coming shortly) but next year, maybe we got a tour.
Earlier today, Taylor asked if he might address
BeachGrit readers re: The Surfival League’s
reopening.
Hello Friends.
Taylor from The Surfival League here.
Remember us? We were a quick blip on the BeachGrit radar
right during Chas’s Euro-Covid Tour. We promised a better “Fantasy
Surfer Game”. No complicated lineup setting, no weird tiers and
budgets. Just pick 1 surfer per contest. Win $1,000.
Easy.
Right after the article was published, Elo and The WSL
shut down the tour and we vanished in the night.
There’s a $20 entry fee and BeachGrit is shelling out
$1,000 to the winner. The winner will also get a BeachGrit write
up, probably a traction pad, maybe a signed copy of Cocaine
and Surfing, etc. We will spoil ya baby!
If you signed up back in March for the 2019 season, your
entry will rollover. If you want to refund, email [email protected]. If the tour is
cancelled, we will rollover to the next season or refund, your
choice.