Billabong Pipe Masters, Day one: “Homoerotic! Languidly sexual! ‘He wants to feel that twinny in the backdoor, he wants to feel it!'”

A glorious opening gambit.

What was the end is now the beginning. Pipeline.

And it feels OK.

Come Trestles it might be a wholly different story, but right now, even with backwashy weird Pipe that looked like an Australian beachbreak at various points in the day things are OK. It was a day of moreorless soothing entertainment, low grade soap opera to paraphrase Kaipo.

It was weird seeing the draw, I’d forgotten half the people on it were still on Tour. Jaddy, Alex Ribeiro, Fred Morais, Peterson Crisanto, Seabass. I think Strider may have damned them with faint praise calling them an “eclectic crew”.

Seems like the Tour consisted of Italo, Kai Lenny and John Florence over the last six months.

We got the last heat of the Mikey Wright/Leo three-peat to decide who gets the injury wildcard. Both will be on Tour anyway, so no great stakes but a fun enough drama watching Leo up the ante with minutes to go threading a deep Backdoor bomb and greasing a tail-high reverse on the end.

Mikey needed a wave and it came. He got pitched from crest to trough. And that was really the tale of the tape. Superior decision making from the Italian stallion.

Wait, can that still be said? It seems too toxic masculinity.

The Covid protocols seemed weird. Strider started with the mask, then stripped it down. Filipe rocked it for the full presser. A black branded Hurley. Jordy in the paper, generic blue mask. Then they were dispensed with. Slater, in plain black, wore one down the beach but not for the presser.

Hair styles were a feature. Voluminous and man-bunned in the Thor style by Connor Coffin, extravagant and unruly SeaBass and JJF, luxurious helmets like Medina. Bodies likewise revealed those who had let go of the reins and those who had been in the gym. John, with an extra 10 pounds of muscle, looked the strongest. Italo brought the same high energy, reckless approach. One huge rotation to the flats on the shallow inside section drew groans from the booth. A similar throwaway flip attempt by John on the buzzer despite a comfortable win made my heart leap.

Italo seems indestructible, John fragile.

Ross claimed starting at Pipe advantages rookies, a claim I strongly disagree with. Toy three-to-five-foot Pipe notwithstanding, there couldn’t be a wave on tour that favours incumbents over aspirants more than Pipeline. Compared to the traditional start at Snapper, where a warm-water playful right really does favour the rookie unless it is behind the rock.

I think we will see a rookie bloodbath at Pipe, with the obvious exception being Jack Robbo, who was imperious in the last heat of the day.

Jack joined a small number to make double-figured heat scores. An even smaller number went excellent. One, in fact. That being one Jack Freestone. That’s a fair assessment of a day where grinding was as vital as threading tubes.

One new feature of the webcast was the celebrity call-in. An extended video chat over the broadcast that ranged from the languidly sexual with new mum Kelia Moniz to the wildly homoerotic with Tom Carroll who could barely contain his froth at the sight of Kelly Slater’s Twin Fin (he wants to feel that twinny in the backdoor, he wants to feel it, he’s ready to go!”) to the barely comprehensible with Mark Occhilupo.

It was strangely surreal, mildly unsettling and very amateur hour.

In other words, a perfect fit for the WSL.

More to come, I hope.

Kelly was in a mild froth himself. Two days arrived in Hawaii, no warm-up surf, hasn’t paddled out at Pipe since Feb. Riding a black 5’6”twin fin. 
“

It never ends,” he said, referring to the chase, the stoke, the “ADHD we get from waves”. Hopefully, I interpreted, his career.

He said it was “fun to find a new feeling” in relation to the twin-fin but my favourite moment was a new riff on an old classic. The carving/sliding three-o he pulled when the heat was won was a little bone thrown to the true believers. The twinny elevated the heat beyond the meat and potatoes served up for most of the day.

Comparing the frontrunners who will be there at Trestles or thereabouts: Jordy looked insane. Very happy, very fresh, very free. No soul crushing Pipeline waiting for him next year must be the most delightful feeling for him. Get the worst out of the road first. Cruise through the back end, forget about Tahiti and crush it at Trestles.

Medina looked both absent and then harried. But did enough to squeak through.

Did Italo steal his soul last year? Question one for the Medina camp 2021.

Italo was pure Italo, ready to go. More than ready, maybe. John looks superb. Very calm, very composed, very strong. Recent edits have shown a surfer in his prime, framing every turn with pure speed and stillness. Trestles could deny him a runaway Title, the one he was cruising to last year.

Toledo has been parenting.

And as all parents know, time in the water comes at a premium. By the time you’ve fed the kids and cleaned up half their bowl, fitness can suffer.

Can Pip surf his way back to peak fitness at Pipe? It does seem a little late in the day for preparation.

If you missed the day?

Go watch John’s waves, Jordy’s and Jack Freestones heat.

Every wave of Kelly’s. A barnstorming Kelly run on a twin-fin is the dark horse pick for 2021, and after the madness of 2020, nothing can be ruled out.

Watch the whole eight hours again, here!