Much sadness.

Any surfer who lives in a progressive beach town will know that yoga has gone too far. My North County, San Diego is awash in stretchy pants, nifty hats, auras of arrogant peace and practiced calm. I’d imagine that Australia’s Byron Bay is much worse and Oahu’s North Shore worse still (when Wanderlust is in town).

But maybe, likely, very worst of all is the Island of the Gods, onetime surfer paradise Bali.

For up those verdant hills, in Ubud, we find Australian guru Andrew Irvine who was planning on hosting a yoga-adjacent “tantric full body body energy orgasm” retreat, or at least until neighbors grew concerned, then outraged and went to the police with their concern.

According to the august Daily Mail, Irvine is “…the creator of Tantric Body De-Armouring and Tantric Full Body Energy Orgasm Retreats, which guide people in cultivating a profound depth of vibrancy and intimacy in their daily lives, relationships, sexuality and careers.”

He has been practicing and exploring tantric and taoist practices, has a master’s degree in health science and sexual health.

40 excitado participants had signed up for the retreat, promised “heightened states of sexual ecstatic full-bodied orgasmic bliss” until those meddling neighbors stuck in their noses.

Irvine was rounded up by police and questioned, though not arrested, and his retreat was then cancelled.

Like Dr. Seuss.

Not coincidentally, he was a previous professional partner of “alleged sex-cult leader Shantam Nityama, also known as ‘The Divine Madman’, a Los Angeles-based guru who conducted workshops in Byron Bay.”

The two parted ways after Irvine became frustrated with Nityama’s eating animal hearts during “spiritual training.”

Irvine, released by police, returned to his villa where he allegedly remains sad.

No word on the 40 participants.

More as the story develops.

Logical leaping too.

Yesterday afternoon, a sun-dappled one in Southern California, fireworks exploded in the ether when eminent Italian surf historian and coach Nicolla “Nik” Zanella slipped a well-manicured hand from a goat kid glove and used it to slap controversial author Chas Smith across the face.

The troubles began days ago when Smith reported on Zanella’s work digging into the root of Chinese surfing and titled the think-piece Italian surf historian declares people surfing in China thousands of years before Polynesia: “There’s some who tread on drifting wood performing hundreds of water tricks, having fun, each displaying great mastery!”

Zanella, in a furious missive to the editor, responded:

Who did it first was not the scope of my research, but this time frame is almost simultaneous with what was happening in Polynesia. Affirming that I declared that surfing happened in China ‘Thousands of years before Polynesia’ is blatantly false and casts a bad light on my professionalism.

I hope you have the decency of erasing that article and learn to investigate what you publish in the future, what you stated was not in the SCMP article, nor in my book, nor in any interview that I ever gave to the many media, all more professional than BeachGrit, that covered my book and research. A simple google search would have clarified it.

Smith, very much insulted, quickly turned to the aforementioned google search, employed his iconic-adjacent combination of rudimentary math and logical leaping, to discover that Tahiti was first settled in the 5th century B.C. and assumed it would take the proto-Polynesians a couple hundred-ish years to learn the art of surfboard shaping, sorting out the person nearest the breaking part of the wave has priority, etc. which would put the first Tahitian surfer at, or around, the 3rd century B.C.

China, on the other hand, has been inhabited by Homo erectuses for over a million years. Hangzhou, where surfing may have begun, had a fine neolithic population at least 12,000 years before the birth of Christ.

Now, Zanella quotes a Song Dynasty (960 – 1279) poet in his interview with the august South China Morning Post. To wit:

“Hundreds of brave watermen … with unfastened hair and tattoos, holding coloured flags, race to the water … they paddle towards the oncoming waves … then they leap up and perform a hundred manoeuvres without getting the tail of their flags even slightly wet. This is how they show off their skill. Hence the nobles reward them with silver prizes.”

If that is not describing a World Qualifying Series event, than I am not a surf journalist.

It must be inferred that QSes take at least ten-ish centuries to get fully up and running what with point systems, defining the excellent range, sorting the flags (read: singlets), having proto-Turpel get his descriptions of the action down, etc.

Considering all angles on their merits, one can only conclude that people were surfing in China thousands of years before Polynesia, or at the very least that was what Zanella is suggesting.

As the South China Morning Post puts it after an equally thorough analysis of Zanella’s findings, “Surfing may have started in China, long before anyone elsewhere picked up a board to ride a wave.”

En garde!

Everyone is a star!

If we have learned but one thing in the World Surf League CEO Erik Logan era it is that vulnerable adult learners love to have their photographs taken whilst surfing. Love to have their photographs taken pre-surf, post-surf but especially mid-surf.

ELo’s Instagram feed is a veritable garden of watery delights. Head dips, mid-wave bottom turns, squeals of joy.

The shame that used to be associated with surfing poorly vanished as the VAL utopia dawns.

A luxury surf resort in the Maldives, finger to wind, just hired a professional surf photographer to snap each guest at their lineup finest.

According to Travel + Leisure, Niyama Private Islands just welcomed Erick Proost for a three-month residency. Proost, the magazine writes, “is a seasoned cinematographer and photographer specializing in surfing and water shots. His previous clients included world champions and professional surfers Adriana De Souza and Gabriel Medina. He’s also shot and produced several surf movies, though his passion lies with photography, bringing together man and nature in one epic surf shot.”

He will accompany the boat out in the morning, shoot from the water all day, then make himself available for surf chit-chat at the resort’s rum bar featuring “snacks and a reggae soundtrack softly playing from the speakers.”

Very 1.5%.

But if you had your own surf photographer, a la John John Florence, which wave would you surf if looking your absolute finest was the end goal?

Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch?

A safe, if uninspired, choice.