Roast time!
“As you probably know, Kelly, Adriano is in his last season on tour and he was a guy who would want to win at all costs, had to learn how to surf all the heavy water waves, became a Pipe Master and a World Champion and you guys had some entertaining heats throughout that entire career, what do you think, uh, Adriano will really be remembered for as a World Champion and also a leader of that Brazilian Storm?” Joe Turpel asks the 11x title and diamond handed Bitcoin holder Kelly Slater with thirteen plus minutes in Miguel Pupo and Liam O’Brien’s quarterfinal heat.
In his contest wrap, the great Longtom wrote, “Kelly on the tools is always gripping viewing for me. Now that the focus has shifted from the sleds to the phone-in I expected big things. Rabs and Turpel gave him plenty to work with but when Turpel pitched up the biggest softball of all time and asked Kelly to comment on what Adriano De Souza’s Legacy as world champ would be, I almost squealed in delight.”
I did squeal, no “almost” about it.
Slater can be seen grinning, picture in picture, and what would he say? Praise the work ethic? Commend the drive?
Of course not, we know our Kelly and we know him well, but what? What deviousness might he have up his sleeve?
“We had a heat in Puerto Rico, a three man heat, I won the tenth that year…”
The story spools out perfectly, beautifully, Adriano surfing too aggressively, Kelly running him over, Kelly’s mom yelling at Adriano on the beach, Kelly “feeling bad for the guy already,” Kelly putting on a Brazilian accent while imitating Jadson Andre, Kelly laughing that Adriano walked two hours home, carrying three boards because he was so hurt by the loss.
Words don’t do justice, can’t adequately describe Kelly Slater’s tone, his face, cadence. The clip is tee’d up here and I suggest you watch, take notes.
And how lucky that we get to have the greatest of all time? Oh, I’m not writing about surfing, hell no. I’m writing about the greatest roaster of all-time.
Rat Pack founding member Dean Martin made the format popular with his televised Celebrity Roasts, and Comedy Central has revived, but nothing but no one is as cutting, as quick, as absolutely devastating as one Kelly Slater.
Not Martin.
Not Ricky Gervais.
Not Carrot Top.
Adriano de Souza getting sent off on his farewell tour by Slater saying how he, himself, won his tenth World Title by shaming the Li’l Plumber?
Cruel, purely effortlessly cruel.
Ellen DeGeneres is blushing.
Bravo.
Oh wow, so Kelly is a cunt afterall, who knew?
Everybody looks good in Roppongi…
stupid discuss thread mix~up…
…..
Snowflakes are everywhere..
Not offensive. Maybe shouldn’t have done the accent thing… Announcing ranch wave day after Adrian won World title, that was bad. Very bad.
Knowing Kelly and how he loves to comment on social media, I like to think he read this, and that it irks at his very soul not to comment. I bet he yearns for the click-clack of the keyboard to fire off a retort about his record or titles or environmentalism. Yes, that image makes me very happy indeed. Kudos, take my upvote and gold coin.
You really think Kelly gives a stuff what is said on this site – a bunch of anonymous suburban Wavestorm dorks lead by a tattooed Hunter Thompson wannabe with the bad taste to live in North San Diego County?
He doesn’t.
I asked him.
Ellen’s hair plugs took root mo’ bettah’ than Kelly’s brah
🐐. ……….. …. …………… …. ……… …
Yeah, I kinda loved that..
Kelly has good manners. He told that story okay.
The Brazilian guy tried to snake him so Kelly ran him over.
Kelly’s probably the second-most competitive person on earth, after Tom Brady.
And maybe Tiger, but Tiger is pau.
And Kelly encouraged his mom NOT to give Adriano shit. Wasn’t like they double-teamed him or anything.
Kelly’s mom has always been gnar.
And if Kelly had been around he would have offered the dude a ride home.
You drips are making something from nothing to make yourselves feel something about your nothingness.
Kelly is outwardly polite and well-mannered.
Noblesse oblige and that.
But it’s true about Kelly and Brock and Chesser = shit-giving machine guns.
(And Briley and Dorian and Cody and Ross and Akila and Machado and the Malloys and…..)
You shoulda heard those guys when the microphones weren’t on = brutal.
I played poker with them a few times.
Funny until it was aimed at you and their phasers were set to KILL.
(But the best comedian in the history of surfing is still Brad Gerlach. No kidding. Genius)
But I got some payback.
When Brock was fading away I went to see him at his parent’s home up first or second Ala Pio or whatever with this girl Uli from Kazakhstan who was couchsurfing on the boat.
Brock was NOT having a good time in his last few days.
So I said, “Geez I came to Hawaii to maybe hang out with Brock a little and you had to go and pull this crap.”
He smiled. A little. Barely.
That was an awful thing to witness.
Mr. Invincible, fading away.
“You drips are making something from nothing to make yourselves feel something about your nothingness.”
Perfect summation
Didn’t surfers used to be cool? Who are these people?
Second most competitive person on earth? Mate you need to adjust your radar. The real megalomaniacs get into politics or the mob.
Having said that, Kel is clearly a narcissist and most men driven to great things are.
Second most competitive athlete might have been a better way to put that.
He definitely is driven by something.
The insult of his upbringing perhaps.
All humans are narcissistic.
It’s just that some try harder than others.
Kelly is a good dude.
He’s just driven and accomplished and he inspires mediocrities to feel ashamed.
All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, to make it possible.
I like it when you lose your medication and swing in back to BG.
Maybe you should fuck off back to Kook Bay, Oregon and get another tattoo.
I’ve suggested to Kelly and TH to throw a Media Heat at the Pipe Masters between the semis and the final.
Then we’ll see who laughs last.
They’re tempted but worry about liability.
Very cool. I remember you mentioning this 30, or so, times and really wish that Kelly and TH would sort out some better insurance to make this happen. Would love a few waves out there.
is this ashtoon googles or michael straciatella?
I sorta wish but no. It’s our special needs friend Ben Marcus.
My only special need is one of those Ford F-150 Lightnings. That’s going to be a game-changer.
Very neat. How’s Malibu today? Cold breeze buffeting the Country Mart?
It has been an abnormally cold and windy spring.
Or maybe it’s always like this and ive just forgotten.
But it’s nice in the morning. And at Golxen Hour.
Tara Mel said she’s never seen as many surfers as are in Santa Cruz now and that seems to be the case here.
When I ride to get coffee in the morning I go by Colony Reef and there are dozens of surfers.
And it’s about 50-50 Wavestorms and real surfboards.
And oodles of tattoos and Top Knots and sneers and hipsterlinneal attitude.
Almost makes me glad I don’t surf anymore.
Surfers used to be cool.
Well now I know you’re just spinning story. Hipsters don’t really exist anymore and certainly don’t wear top-knots in whatever iteration they’ve become. And Wavestormers don’t sneer. Your fiction is slipping. Button it up, man.
Right. Tattoos x top knots x attitude – brains = hipster.
You’re the hipster Hunter thompson.
Hipster Thompson.
And everyone with a surfboard sneers around here.
Well they were into it and Kelly was fiendng to do the play-by-play because he wanted to experience what it’s like to be a sideline-sitting smartass who laughs at other people’s foibles.
Because believe it or not, Kelly’s brighter than you, and funnier and 19,000,0000,000 times more credible.
But then the Surf Ranch incident happened and they were all “Ppphhhhh like whatever. That dude? Backdoor? Not even Lloyd’s of London would touch that.”
So it probably won’t happen.
You f***** it up for all the others.
Well at least I’m all-powerful. Silver lining, I suppose.
Chaz is shit… But he’s better than Kelly. Kelly is a moron and a cunt.
No Kelly is a gentleman and a scholar and a spectacularly talented surfer and a millionaire and a nice guy. He just insults your convict-trash, cutting tall poppies Australian way of going about things.
So sod off.
Finishing High school does not make one a Scholar.
Ben I think you could do with some Buddhism in your life. It’s not healthy to be mad at everyone, all the time.
Kelly did well in school but he is what I call a “surfisticate.”
Someone who traveled a lot and experiences a lot and was thrown into business and other situations and had to become smart to survive, and sophisticated by osmosis.
When you talk to him one on one, you see the brightness.
Same with Laird.
Mad? Not mad at all.
As for Buddhism, when I was in Hawaii I was saving drowning bees at Waikiki.
I would scoop them up and take them to the beach.
FFS you what ?????
The bees weren’t drowning they were mating …..you evil bee killer!
so being a millionaire also adds to your Character LOL?
Being a poor kid from a broken home from Cocoa Beach and going on to become the most talented surfer in the history of the sport and a millionaire certainly suggests character, yes. Heaps of it.
eat dicks, moron.
Vegan, so dicks are off. But how do you like them? How do you prepare them? How does dick taste? You are experienced. Enlighten.
No sign of “Mongrel Races” yet, so the medication must be having a slight affect.
Simon Law is a worthy challenger to Brad Gerlach as the funniest guy ever on tour – caught an impromptu show on a flat day on the Rock in the ’90s, after a coupla beers Slaw’s impersonations of his mates & rivals surfing big Sunset, brilliant mime caricature topped with voice mimicry, seriously masterful & comedic…
Then they should have Simon Law and Brad announce the contests.
I’m not kidding. Gerlach is a genius mimic.
He shits on Rich Little or Jim Carrey or any other mimic you can think of.
He’s best when he’s off the cuff and being loose and spontaneous, and maybe freezes when the camera comes on.
I think the correct word you were looking for is,” not Announce contests “, but what you meant to say , was Commentate Contests….damn mongols will get you every time!
Imagine Ronnie and Kelly in the booth full time. Gold tier surf commentary.
They’d lose the whole Midwest.
“Slater to Base. Slater to Base. I’m over the target.”
“Good copy Slater. Do your thing.”
https://media.tenor.com/ima…
Kelly Kelly Kelly
Ahhhh
What can I say…
I always thought you were such a dick, a boring nerd with no character who could only talk numbers and heat scores etc. etc.
For years I thought that. For years.
But now I realise that was all just a front, masking your true self.
The masterstroke of imitating the accent of someone with English as a second language in a story which poured scorn on one of his fellow countrymen was truly the best thing I’ve seen and heard in pro surfing. Ever.
And I grin from ear to ear and chuckle out loud every time I think about it.
That kind of ’70’s style semi inappropriate humour is what this woke world needs more of. A lot more of.
Such an ‘Archie Bunker crossed with Ebenezer Scrooge’ feel about it.
Please keep it up Kelly.
Please give shit to everyone that needs it, and even some who don’t.
I fuckin’ love ya man…
I’d buy this if Kelly told stories about somebody ELSE doing these things to their fellow competitors. Since he feels the need to do it in order to pump himself up by making somebody else look bad, Kelly just proves himself to be an egotistical narcissistic cunt. Nothing new.
It was Turpel’s finest moment, and Uncle Lenny has been de-canceled!
Our generation are just thicker skinned people, who spent a whole decade clowning each other. Kelly was put thru the grinder in Hawaii for years as a grom back when u had to really earn it.
Kelly punked this guy 2000% worse when he announced the tub when ads won title
Learned under Chesser and Brock Little. This is classic.
Kelly actually paused the interview to point attention away from himself toward someone was dropping in on a wave.
1. Is that a WSL first?
2. Has Turpel (Turple?) ever done that?
3. Has Kelly ever done that before?
Yes, Kelly cares more about surfing than talking….
Only a true goat could insert an injured foot up his own mouth…
Ke11en DeGslateres
…is a giant deusche.
They should have all the old pros on the Wozzl broadcasts, nine at a time, like Hollywood Squares. And Kelly can be like a humorless Paul Lynde in the middle, ditching sassy gossip about everyone else.
Classic Slater making it all about himself… good on Joe Turps for trying to bring him down a pega at the end
I really was impressed by Joe there.
If only he could say it through his mouth and not his nose
You are Joe.