A hand jam straight to the heart.
Last evening, 10 pm/9 pm central, the World Surf League, in collaboration with ABC television, dropped its first episode of The Ultimate Surfer. Jen See covered masterfully here and you both can and should read. I only tuned in for a few minutes, as 10 pm/9 pm central snuck up in the middle of a intimate dinner party, catching the less-than-inspiring surfing at the end though was left with one firm impression.
Joe Turpel will be the breakout star.
Sitting there, behind a desk, wearing his classic short-sleeved Hawaiian button-up, skin buttery tan, chestnut hair coiffed around headphone microphone combination, blue eyes flashing, voice pure single batch Mrs. Butterworth syrup, Turpel owned the screen, undeniably, and is now, officially, on a collision course with fame, fortune, a raging cocaine addiction that he will conquer, inspiringly, in rehab.
Joe Turpel.
I’ll be honest, I did not that coming but there is no way television executives are not clamoring for his agent’s phone number right now. He is like Ryan Seacrest except not a Keebler elf. Like Dick Clark except alive-adjacent. Bob Eubanks except made from butter not wax.
Turpel will be called upon to host the Golden Globes, grand marshal the Rose Parade, master of ceremony New Year’s Eve New York City ball drop. His will be the face of America and the voice of America and will comfort us in our dark days with his proprietary blend of Mrs. Butterworth.
A hand jam straight to the heart.
I’ll be honest, I did not see that coming but it is undeniable.
And we will all say we knew him when.
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Imagine the shit Joe would spew on coke.
Joe on coke.. somehow I reckon his voice would slow down and he’d make more sense. Nostril jams instead of hand jams. Like when ADD kids take speed to slow em down. But in reverse, or something.
Lots of Punahou guys get strung out on Blow lol
Hahaha! Nice! Is this thee Sean Volland…. “cigs in the tube. cuttin Rabbit off?” Soo good! Laughter is the best medicine!
That’s what injecting clorox and taking horse drugs will due to a man.
like Carl Stefanovic but with a grating voice and more aloha shirts….
Hard-hitting stories such as these are exactly the reason I don’t read or pay attention to any surf media besides BG. This is canon.
Had to look up pareidolia. Thanks! So the single pubic hair between LGR’s legs via pareidolia may look a bit like a member.
I’ve always thought of little Joey as a David Stanfield 2.0
Joey Turds annoyingly whiny nasal twang has never, is not, and never will be like “pure single batch Mrs Butterworths syrup”, and can’t be compared to the famous voices you named.
You need to see an ear specialist if you think otherwise…
I don’t know about at the surf ranch.
But over at the WSL, he’s still sporting this green and black ‘girlie’ wetsuit.
Maybe they’re trying to appeal to the transgender crew.
When I first saw this pic. I thought maybe I’m looking at the wetsuit a little wrong–so I asked my wife what she thought it looked like–without dropping a beat she said–“a dress”.
My thoughts confirmed.
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Kelly has been busy wrangling the territory’s apex predators.
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Joel Tudor had a talk with him.
As the large shark flaps and quivers Fanning is taken under water for an instance we are all like “Holy Shit” along with ’89.
Turpel as shark hits: “Looks like Fanning needs some assistance and will swim to the beach and we will reset.”
Joe Turpel is about as likely to be a star as you are to have a week without parties or holidays.
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Tonight’s Episode #2 is titled “Caught Up in Chick Drama”.
I have to think that Joey has a hand, handjam even, in titling these episodes.
Don’t you think? Who else could it be?
Joe is too good for us cunts!