A gathering of the tribe, as they say.

BeachGrit commentariat lauded as “only credible voice in modern surf culture!”

Truth be spoken.

Ok punters, another year of the Dadaist surfing escapade known as BeachGrit.

Consistent with all the other forms of nostalgia for 2021 trying  to justify meaning in time’s inevitable passing, here’s a list of awards for us resident lowlifes, compiled in no particular order.

*Note: the award for BeachGrit categories for 2021 are called “Grittys.” What’s a Gritty? A Gritty is that old ball of surf wax that’s been rolling around the floor of your car all season. It’s been melted by the sun and hardened back up a few times and in its peripatetic rolling has accumulated the detritus of the gleanings of men stuck in lives of despair borne of the confines of selling our labor to neoliberal capital, as sprinkled on vehicular floorboards the world over: bitten-off fingernails; ash from cigarettes and joints, both; salt from fast food packets that have busted open; hair from balding head; to-do lists from wives crumpled up and thrown in the backseat.

Now, to the show.

Gritty category 1: The commenter most likely to be taken home to parents (or your kids, depending):
1. Jen See. This is self-explanatory. The rest of you I’d not want anywhere near my parents, or anyone of age of consent up to age 24. Jen, whatever Chas and DR are paying you, it’s not enough. Or maybe it’s too much when it comes to Surfline Man.

Easiest category to fill and to award.

Gritty category 2: Most likely to give Chas and DR a rub with Hurley massage oil as teacher’s pets.
1. Negatron, will never jump off this cash cow. Ever.
2. DHMF, I have on good confidence he’s already applied massage oil whilst looking at DR’s smiling grill, so would probably do the same to DR directly.
3. Tomas’ silky smooth arms, nothing here about the commenter themselves, but with an avatar name like that, Chas and DR would be panting like puppies.

The winner is: tie between Negatron and DHMF. We’ll flip a coin to see who gets to lube whom.

Gritty category 3: Commenter most likely to live out their persona in real life:
1. Thevoiceofnoreason, when the gorilla speaks, you listen.

Gritty category 4: Commenter most likely to pull out 1 of 10 possible firearms and shoot a liberal (i.e. triggered trigger fingers):
1. OttoBeenThere, jotto is the glory child of Fox news, Alex Jones, and Steve Bannon rolled into one, and lets us know this every time he logs in. He probably even has the same orange skin toner stashed at his Montana hunting lodge that Trump uses.
2. Lemoore GOAT rodeo, although to be fair, mellowing since he’s moved to Town. Must be all that diversity.
3. ValiantScorn, hasn’t seen a non-white person he hasn’t fantasized about colonizing yet.
4. JohnsKnees, just to keep fucking with the other three nominees.
5. Honorable mention: Hot Stuff/Bexy; J H

The winner is: I’m not going to say, as any of them would put the effort into finding out who I am in real life and would track me down and kill me.

Gritty category 5: Commenter/writer Stab will try to pilfer next:
1. Karl VF, and not just for his photoshop/artistic creations.
2. Surf Ads, Stab could use more humor. Surf Ads provides in spades.
3. JP Currie, actually, JP is too jaded and malcontent for even Stab, so cancel this.
4. Ben Marcus, this would be a slap to Chas from Ashton’s other hand, and this time could be done legally.
5. Negatron, everyone needs a plumber.
6. Longtom, wait a second. Swellnet already did this.

The winner is: Surf Ads.

Gritty category 6: Commenter/writer we’d love to see Stab pilfer:
1. Ben Marcus.

The winner is: the rest of us.

Gritty category 7: Best us of photoshop/pictures/video to pile on a thread:
1. Waterproof Polo
2. Pauly Matt War-Shore
3. Barrelled
4. Karl VF
5. Honorable mention: anything with a penis, or penis fish.

The winner is: dealer’s choice.

Gritty category 8: Best surf stories/sharing of surf knowledge:
1. c4
2. MistaSparkle
3. James Bickerton
4. Thevoiceofnoreason
5. Lemoore GOAT Rodeo
6. Huli Opu
7. Honorable mention: anyone else willing to share the stoke.

The winner is: all of us, for learning more about surfing.

Gritty category 9: Best one-liners from threads:
1. Way Outthere
2. Billy Hunt
3. V3Rocket
4. Snowbored
5. Skippy
6. Ricky Spanish
7. Astro
8. JohnsKnees
9. LGR
10. Occ Topus
11. Dane’s sushi&sauza
12. Ricmatic
13. Stick man
14. Waterproof Polo
15. Pauly Matt War-Shore
16. Beef & Bear
17. OttoBeenThere
18. Hot Stuff/Bexy
19. Charlie Smith
20. The Bitchy Crab
21. Honorable mention: too many to mention.

The winner is: all of us—it’s why we are here. Keep it up, fuckers.

Lamest trend of 2021:
1. Downvoting comments. Nothing screams kook (kuk) like giving a downvote. Only spongers, VALS, SUPers, and foil boarders downvote. Don’t fucking do it.
2. Commenting endlessly about Covid.

The winner is: neither, as we all lose when both happen.

Commenters we’d like to see more of in 2022:
1. Phat Wanker
2. Michael Newman
3. Longtom
4. Wiggolly’s Paddling Style
5. Toofattosurf
6. Hippy

Commenters we’d like to see less of in 2022:
1. See anyone listed above.

Stories we’d like to see less of in 2022:
1. Anything from Chas dealing with sharks, Whoop, Jonah Hill, and 90% of the other tripe Chas pecks out. Basically, Chas, find your “A” game for 2022. Or at least your C game.

Lastly, a fond goodbye to Offrocker. May your waves be hollow, wherever you now are.

Thanks for the laughs, comrade.

Twitter founder, philanthropist billionaire Jack Dorsey shouts out planet’s largest surf movie and video library in epic tweet: “Only truth left in the world is surf films.”


For all the mess tech folk have brought into our surfing, what with electric foiling, being Mark Zuckerberg etc. Twitter founder, multi-billionaire, philanthropist Jack Dorsey almost made it right with an epic tweet, yesterday, shouting out The Surf Network.

Legendary Ira Opper’s work of tireless genius, The Surf Network bills itself as “the planet’s largest surf movie and video library” and is very much worth a subscription.

Dorsey, anyhow, took to his platform hours ago to proclaim that the “Only truth left in the world is surf films.”

Is he your new favorite tech icon?

Better than Elon Musk?

He should be.


Surf Journalist (pictured) surrounded by Bon Bons.
Surf Journalist (pictured) surrounded by Bon Bons.

How performing ballet live produces such great physical and mental stress that stability can only be achieved by regularly checking vitals!


This weekend past, I performed two roles in The Nutcracker, arguably the most well-known ballet in the world, four performances over three days, alongside my young daughter, who performed four roles, and only stayed on my dancing feet by regularly monitoring my vital signs, heartbeat, respiratory rate, etc.

Now, I was not brought up a prancing boy, never a lesson or a class, nor a child of the theater, looking out into the lights whilst delivering emotional lines, and so I came to the stage of the California Center for the Arts an extremely vulnerable adult.

Fresh. Uncertain.

In the way.

My daughter and I participated in two long dress rehearsal days at the theater prior to Friday’s opening and the amount of toil that goes into ballet is staggering, especially for real dancers. Oh, my two roles were not particularly burdensome. I was a “party dad” having to mill about on stage presenting to chat with my “party wife” and other “party parents” before performing a dance, leaving stage, returning to dance the “beer dance” with the party dads then exiting stage left after carrying my sleeping “sleeping” daughter, who played a “party girl,” off stage left.

While she would scoot off to get dressed for her soldiers act, I ran straight to get my Mother Ginger make-up done. Smokey eyes, fake eyelashes, rouged cheeks, lipstick smeared over mustache. After soldiers, while daughter was getting into gumdrops costume, I would wrangle my giant dress backstage and begin the painstaking process of getting into hoops then having those hoops layered with purple and yellow finery. Fake bosoms on next then a corset, pink gloves, blonde curly wig, ruffled hat, handbag, mirror and I was ready though had to sit quietly through multiple more acts quietly.

WHOOP registered strain up 101% from the previous week and I can’t even imagine what it would be for the real dancers. They would rush past me, young daughter included, hyperventilating from the physical art performed on stage while I sat quietly, readying for the little bon bons to file under my dress, the right Tchaikovsky chord to sound, and then there I was, back on stage, being pulled this way and that, scolding, camping and vamping.

By Saturday’s matinee, my heart felt like it was pounding so hard that I regularly checked my WHOOP strap to see if it was exploding. That gentle truth it whispered back, that my heart rate was normal, respiratory rate normal too, allowed me to continue on, knowing that the exploding heart was only mental weakness. By Sunday’s matinee, though, I had to regularly check my vitals to make sure my heart wasn’t exploding from pure pride at being able to watch the all the work my daughter had put in, the endless hours at barre, center, stretching, drilling choreography etc.

Becoming art her very self.

Billy Kemper, filming his piece to camera in his home sauna.

Big Wave World Champion Billy Kemper rebukes COVID-infected surf fans after testing positive for the deadly virus and reveals the HIC Pipe Pro was a deliberate super-spreader event!

"This is by no means a threat (but) If you want to keep up with that attitude don’t come back."

The Big Wave World Tour champion and four-time Jaws winner Billy Kemper has taken to Instagram to chastise surf fans who attended last week’s HIC Pipe Pro despite knowing they were infected with the deadly man-made virus.

In a five-minute piece to camera, and filmed in the sauna of his private gymnasium where he is self-quarantining, the Maui-born thirty year old methodically shames the super-spreaders who attended.

“COVID, I hate it. It’s destroying our world,” says Billy. “But at the same time we need to protect each other. Follow the rules… I’m not worried about myself, I love health and I love fitness, I take good care of my body. There’s things to cure this. I’m already loading up on Ivermectin, vitamin D, vitamin B…Over the next twenty-four hours I’m going to fill you in on how to kick COVID’s ass.

“But let’s go back those kids who are running to this contest knowing you are positive. I’ve reached out to a handful of you guys and this is by no means a threat, this is respect, respect not only me but our community, the elders, the people who might have immune diseases, the people who might be diabetic, asthmatic, you don’t know who they are…

“If you want to keep up with that attitude don’t come back.”

Watch here.


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A post shared by Billy Kemper (@billykemper)

Californian surfer almost killed by Great White near San Francisco details long road back to waves, “I wear a brace that keeps my foot at a 90 degree angle. I’ve been trying a comical grandpa-like popup at home!”

Getting attacked by a Great White shark is traumatic, emotionally, physically, financially and futuristically.

On October 3, 2021, Eric Steinley was surfing a nice, sunny, fall day at Salmon Creek – north of Bodega Bay – when he was attacked by a Great White shark. He made it to the beach under his own steam, where many helpful hands stabilized him and loaded him into a helicopter for a fast ride to the emergency room in Santa Rosa.

Getting attacked by a shark is traumatic, emotionally, physically, financially and futuristically.

Surfers north of the Golden Gate spend more than half the year suffering through fog, onshore winds, flat spells, junky swells, rain, snow, sleet and all kinds of ook, fiending for those clean, fresh blue-sky offshore west swell days in the fall.

And then you get attacked by a shark. A year of recovery, time off work, lack of funds, lack of exertion, lack of adrenaline.

We asked Eric how it’s going.

How you feeling?

Feeling pretty good, I keep pushing myself with PT and exercise until I can’t anymore and then I have to rest again for a couple of days and the process starts over.

Going stir crazy?

Going a little stir crazy but not too bad. I’ve pretty much watched everything on Netflix and have resorted back to drawing which was something I did years ago.

Drawing? A surfboard collector in Malibu wanted to add a shark-chomped board to his quiver. I arranged for him to buy the board from Megan Halavais, who got bit at Salmon Creek in October of 2005. To illustrate the board, he ordered this illustration of what the attack looked like. I hope this isn’t what you’re drawing.

Well I did this drawing and made a t-shirt of it.

You feeling good about a full recovery? What do the doctors say? How often do you do physical therapy?

I go to the hospital to do PT once a week with the therapist and then an additional four days a week at the gym/pool as well as balance and stretching exercises every day. Basically If I don’t stretch my leg straight daily it would just stay slightly bent due to scar tissue. I also have to do range of motion exercises for my foot because I’m only able to move it downward and the same thing would happen.

As far as balance, I don’t have complete feeling in my leg or foot so I’m having to learn to use different muscles to compensate in order to be able to do normal activities. Full recovery is unclear right now. I’ve been told to wait a year to see how much the nerve is going to heal and then we can go from there.

Any cute nurses?

Most definitely.

Has the nerve pain diminished?

Yes it has. I do take medication that dulls the nerve pain sensation but regardless it has gotten much better.

Still no Post Traumatic Shark Distress Dreams? Any weird dreams?

Nope, I even visited the scene of the crime for the first time last weekend. Got to see a bunch of my buddys and watch the surf for a bit. I thought I might have some kinda flashback or something but I didn’t.

A lot of attack victims talk about that, and they don’t like it.

Had I been physically able I would have paddled out into the giant walls of closeouts.

Is your Barcelonan/Basque gal still by your side? Please tell her thank you on behalf of the entire surfing world. She’s a good egg.

The Girlfriend is still holding strong. It definitely hasn’t been easy on the relationship but hopefully we are through the worst of it.

Do you know how much it has all cost?

I do see bills still rolling in and I forward them to my provider. As far as a total I’m not sure yet. I know that I’ll be doing PT and having to take medication for a long time and who knows about the long term expenses. I’m also aware that my medical insurance runs out in February and I will start having to pay for that out of pocket until I’m able to return to work and my hours fill up my “benefits bank.”

We had a NorCal-class winter storm in Malibu the other day and it made me homesick for wild and wooly winters in Santa Cruz. I tell people about your attack and say, aside from the horror of almost dying and/or losing a limb, and the time in the hospital, and getting your surfboard and wetsuit ruined and the medical bills and the down time, in NorCal you spend half the year pining for fall so you can go surf in clean west swell and offshore winds under blue skies – and you get attacked by a fricking shark.

How are you handling that? Do you hold a grudge against the stupid fricking shark?

Absolutely not. I was lucky enough to be able to paddle in without getting chomped again and had a great group of guys who saved my ass by putting a tourniquet on my leg and carrying me a pretty decent distance across the sand and up a huge flight of stairs to the parking lot. On top of that the helicopter was onsite within about 15 mins after I got to the beach. I’ll count my blessings on this one.

I saw that your GoFundMe was up to $44,350. As Spicoli would say: “Righteous bucks!” Were you ever able to collect the GoFundMe? That must help ease the stress a little.

I was eventually able to get the GoFundMe funds, it’s been such a help having it there. I had no idea all the things I would need it for and how much stress it would help relieve. The brace alone that I need to be able to walk cost $1,000 dollars. Then there’s medical copays, everything my insurance doesn’t cover, being out of work etc. It seems that the primary goal of my medical provider (who has been amazing) is to get me walking and back to work again. I completely appreciate this but from someone who basically lives to surf that only goes so far. That’s where outpatient Sports Therapy comes into play as well as hopefully getting a custom foot brace made specifically for surfing. All this will be covered by the GoFundMe so I don’t end up hating life and losing something I love.

So what’s the short and long-term prognosis? Surfing again when?

I am planning on trying to longboard in February. I wear a brace that keeps my foot at a 90 degree angle and don’t have complete feeling in the foot as well. I’ve been trying a grandpa-like popup at home and it’s pretty comical. We’ll see how it goes.