The most wonderful time of the year!
Oh but do you feel the wonderful tang of holiday in the air this December 1st? The soft sound of sleigh bells jingling ring-ting-tingling too? Mistletoe, stockings hung by chimneys with care, gingerbread homes for candied children? Only the grumpiest, grinchiest local can deny that this season holds magic.
I was reminded of festive cheer when I visited my mailbox yesterday morning and discovered a full color bleed mailer for Kelly Slater’s sustainable outerwear brand Outerknown stuffed inside. It was addressed to someone else and I felt small guilt in breaking its seal but what was I to do? An adorable picture of a Saint Bernard wearing a scarf overlooking the words “Your OuterKnown sustainable gift guide. Gift thoughtfully. Gift better” was simply more than I could take.
The heavy card stock opened to a four paneled masterpiece of joy. There were salmon trunks and “swittens,” moleskin shirts and “reimagine cashmere” beanies, blanket shirt dresses and Breitling x Outerknown watches.
I bathed in its seasonal charm, almost able to smell chestnuts roasting by the fire with care, then, seeing as there was no way to order any of it from the mailer itself, went to my trash can and pitched it inside.
I’m absolutely sure the landfill will be joyously grateful.
Fa-la-la-la-la.
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I see antifa Islamist rage of Obama has filled hearts of even surfers with ugly thoughts expression of envy and hate. Choose love instead…. it’s good for mental health. Kelly appeals to a segment….just a tiny group ..no need to be CNN cutout drones as one design. Use your freedom to be unique in the love you share….love grows children’s minds . Hate makes terrorists….sickness in society. Like Tabari 9 verse 69. Satan’s law.
Christmas season. Celebrating the Messiah, Jesus Christ, son of God who brought the law that nurtures heavenly harmony and sustains all growth in balance through purpose and love. Matthew 5. The core values of His deeds and commands. How salty are you? What is your gift that grows harmony with all around you? That is the core of society that loves and grows.
This article is so lame that all I can think of is that at some point in your life Kelly denied you an autograph.
For a guy who has millions, why such absurdly high prices, his audience is clearly wannabe surfers and pros because the rest of us surf every moment we are not working or are sneaking out of work because we have to pay bills.
Surfers pissing about sustainability? Haha! Styrofoam core fiberglass resin board last 700 years in the landfill next to neoprene wetsuit with pin hole leak.
Please like any of you give two craps about the environment. At least his garments will break down. Could have thrown the mailer in the recycle bin but self-righteous BS is oh so much better.
Chas… without a doubt this is your all-time greatest critique of our world’s number one environmentalist/anti-racist/health and science expert/regular-footer. I cannot wait until Kelly begins his Insta assault on other surf indistry giants for their reckless, mistaken approach to sending out these mailers (on another note, is that Joel Tudor bottom left on that mailer?)… On another note, the time is now to get working on your next piece of surf journalism – the unauthorized biography rise/fall/fall of Kelly…
Whatever bro – Outerknown gear kicks ass & the GOAT still rips harder than anyone ever has – guaranteed its a bunch of millenial whingers having a cry here – Gen-x don’t mind that we get forgotten – like the King we were the GOAT gen!
LMFAO. If any of you gave the slightest shit about sustainability, you wouldn’t be surfing at all.
Sustainable isn’t sustainable
Wow, really made your point there. Try recycling next time genius. This was an ultra lame trash story.
Someone should tell Kelly the most sustainable surf brand is the one you didn’t start.
Outernone
Outerknown…aka the landfill.
This could be a thing … surf adjacent apparel that you open, look over and throw in the bin.
It’ll be like unboxing but more exciting…
Its a federal offence to open someone elses mail
Hahaha
Pull ya panties up Shirley
Does that beanie come in any other colors than orange?
John John beat him to it, those boardies are great.
“and she had legs that went allll the way up…”
I Love slaying wonderful holiday puntang. I bathe her in chestnut, or pitch it inside….depends on the Lady.
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Dangle balls
Dangle balls
Cum on Smellys face
Outerknown’s a poofy brand
Smelly’s wearing lace
(sung to the tune of that Christmas favourite ‘Jingle Bells’)
Jebus, it’s Jizzus Christ !