Surfing's most prestigious prize turned into "TikTok circle jerk."
When the WSL’s self-confessed biggest fan, @surfads, partly described the WSL’s recent efforts as “Turning a deadshit, dumbcunt but still unique sports outfit into a generic, compliant, corporate glory hole”, I nodded in agreement and felt there wasn’t a lot more to say.
Especially coming in so hot on the heels of The Ultimate Surfer where a guy and gal got a place in WCT events by surfing in a pool and winning lifetime dream prizes like SUPs, I didn’t think the WSL could make itself any more tacky and tawdry, or cheapen its product even more.
On reflection, that’s bullshit.
It can, and it has.
When @surfads wrote his article, I commented that it’d take far too long to unpack all that’s wrong with the WSL right now, but that was a cop-out. I hate peanut gallery fuckwits who mock your efforts without offering any kind of explanation, thus, for that reason, I want to pinpoint a couple of glaring examples of the WSL clusterfuck sticking out like shit on Meghan Markle’s shoes.
This is part one.
@surfads bemoaned the lack of a Pipe contest to end the year, so what better place to start than Hawaii? Specifically, the Triple Crown of Surfing.
And, while the TCOS is run this year by Vans and Stab, the Vans TCOS official website says, “This competition is sanctioned by the WSL”, so that’s good enough for me.
Billed for decades as the most prestigious title to win outside of being anointed surfing’s world champ, the Triple Crown of Surfing was always something that mattered in the surfing world.
Especially to the Hawaiians.
A list of Triple Crown winners since its inception in 1983 shows a who’s who of surfing royalty.
Michael Ho, Derek Ho, Kong, Tom Carroll, Sunny, Kelly, Andy, Parko, John John, Gabe.
It’s a mighty impressive list.
And why wouldn’t it be, when you look at the historical format of the TCOS itself? Three contests, all in prime, big-wave spots where heavy waves explode on shallow reefs.
You had to be a fucking good surfer to win the whole shebang.
If we use a starting point in the contests as Round 64 for the top guys, to win a contest you gotta get through five heats against all the best surfers in the world, in some of the scariest, most intimidating waves in the world. No-one has ever won all three contests of the TCOS in a single year (I think), so let’s just play a little game of averages for the fuck of it.
Let’s say a surfer’s results over the three contests were final, quarters, quarters. That’d get ‘em pretty close to the gong most years. Starting from R64, that means our surfer would have got through eight or nine heats or so across three contests. Getting through that many heats in Hawaii against all the best guys in the world in big, dangerous, powerful conditions, including the locals who love nothing more than shitting on the outta town blow-ins, is fucking hard.
And that’s why the list of TCOS champions includes eight world champions and multiple top three finishers like Julian Wilson and Gary Elkerton.
You win the TCOS and it’s a big fucking deal. Something that earns the respect of everyone in the surfing community, among them even the grumpiest, most begrudging old naysayers.
Well, it was.
‘Cause now, what used to be the prestigious TCOS is no more. Nuked, nixed, and fucking gutted. There are no contests involved anymore. None. No four-man heats. No two-man heats. No paddle battles. No local intimidation. No Wolfpak or Black Shorts. No interference calls. No Hawaiian underdogs. No buzzer beaters. No scoreboard pressure or commentator’s curses.
Nothin’.
Why? Because The Triple Crown of Surfing is now a fully online digital contest.
(No relation to doctors sticking their fingers up your asshole.)
To compete in and win the Triple Crown of Surfing now you just gotta take a few videos of your surfing and then submit them online (don’t forget to tag @vanstriplecrownofsurfing) and hope that the judges like your “content”. I ain’t making this up.
Out with the old, in with the hip and the new.
More than just a bit confused by this new turn of events, I tried to make some sense of it all. Big failure.
When I first went through the rules format the first thing that popped into my stupefied, spinning gogglehead revolved around the videos surfers have to submit. Half the tour surfers don’t even have major sponsors, so I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to say that most of ‘em don’t have dedicated filmers following them around with the new $80,000 RED 8K video camera.
Exhibit A. Connor O’Leary, ex WQS overall winner, WCT Rookie of the Year, and winner of the most recent Challenger Series event, who just requalified for next year’s CT tour. Riding a pure white, stickerless board.
You reckon the video editors at Quiksilver are just putting the finishing touches on his signature movie as we speak? What’s that? They dropped him?
Taking it a step further, what happens if poor old 86 ranked, unsponno surfer gets the wave of the winter out Pipe in the dark, dying light of an evening and all he’s got to show for it is his girlfriend’s grainy iPhone vid where he looks like an ant on a piece of bread?
Is the poor bloke then forced into an extortionate bidding war with rival beach videographers for half-decent footage, if they’ve got it? Or take your chances, send in your cheap ass iPhone vid and hope it gets viewed favourably against John John’s HD, technicolour, close-up screamer dreamer?
Shit outta luck if you don’t have the tech or mates who have the tech.
This is “moving forward”, and “aligning” with the fans.
And, what about the judging system? Four in number. Three official WSL judges and one wild, exciting, new type of judge thrown into the mix. What could it be, I hear you wonder?
No more suspense. One of the official judges is the online punter, you, me, and every other digital “fan”.
How cool, eh? Now we get to make or break a surfer’s livelihood just by pushing buttons on our phones.
Inclusivity at its best from Vans and the Wozzle.
Alas, I’m confounded again, however.
If the “fans” vote, is this just going to be a sad, pathetic numbers game of “I’m more popular than you are na na na na na naaaa”? For example, JJF has 1.4 million Instagram followers. If he gets 10% of his fans to tap the app and clap clap clap for JJF. Plus five 5% on top of that for non John-fans. 210,000 votes.
On the other hand, Callum Robson, currently #12 in the Challenger Series rankings, only has 7,250 Insta followers. Just for the fuck of it, let’s go all in and say he magically gets 100% of his followers to vote for him and they all get a mate each to do the same (wishful thinking but indulge me). 14,500 votes.
Who the fuck gets the choccies there? Confused much?
Not content with reducing one of surfing’s most esteemed prizes to a TikTok circle jerk, there’s an extra layer of incomprehensible doolally with the inclusion of a “progressive craft” element.
Yep, one of a surfer’s six vids has to be on a “progressive craft”. Slight problem though. According to their own rules published on their website, the “progressive craft” must be a craft (their terminology, not mine) that’s not quite as progressive as what the current kids ride.
In fact, some of the “progressive crafts” recommended are over 100 years old. No fucking shit.
I bring to you our “progressive craft” suggestion list, as per the contest guidelines:
alaias
asymmetricals
twin fins
fish
single fins
eggs
longboards
bonzers
Fuck me, where do I kick off on this? The alaia, 100s of years old, if not a thousand. Longboards? Close to 100 years now. Twinnies? MR won titles on ‘em in the ‘70s. Bonzers? Campbell Brothers, 1970. You get the drift.
Surely it can’t be just me to wonder how the fuck riding a board from 100 years ago can be called a “progressive craft”? And why the fuck is it a compulsory component in the Triple Crown of Surfing?
Can they be any more ludicrously pretentious?
High-performance surfing has progressed beyond all of the “progressive” crafts listed to the toothpicks we have today. Granted, toothpicks are not for everyone, but the pros are riding the most “progressive craft” every fucking day. And, doing shit on them now that was pretty much impossible on any of the “craft” listed above.
There’s a reason they’re riding what they’re riding. It’s ’cause they’re the most progressive boards available.
Do they even know what progressive means? A five-second search on the Googlenet shows it’s favouring progress and improvement as opposed to maintaining the status quo.
Newsflash: High-performance surfers “progressed” beyond logs half a century ago. Fuck me.
Who comes up with this shit? And who rubber stamps it?
The WSL, that’s who. Remember, “This competition is sanctioned by the WSL”.
You reckon other sports are looking on enviously at the WSL, wondering how they can copy such genius?
Maybe right about now the bigwigs of Formula 1 admin are telling drivers like Lewis Hamilton they can only win the F1 title this year if they’ve driven a “progressive mobile” like, say, the Reliant Regal three-wheeler during one of the remaining Grand Prix races?
Or the Tour de France organisers sending out a memo telling riders they must complete a stage in The Pyrenees on a penny fucking farthing?
You can’t script this etc,
Follow the money, look at their rider, and put 2 and 2 together….
Generational change is occurring and we/you are not invited
I was kinda fond of the best surfers in the best waves ideology, it was a simplistic formula, but hey it kinda worked! This new thing, I ain’t so sure…
The CT locations for 2022 look epic. Hopefully they don’t meddle with it and fuck it up.
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I know you need to sell ads but wtf is this UX
Stanislav Franck is exactly what BG needed
The final nail in the coffin haha!
Audacious Fuckery in our very own Temple
We(APB North America) ran a video contest during 2020, but when clips were initially submitted they had to go through our judging panel which is staffed by real judges from our world tour. Then after we weeded out all the trash the clips went into man to man “heats” where we let the voting public pick whose wave was better between just two clips and tbe winner advanced.
We ended up seeing some young guns and some killer locals take out some really big names.
We tried to offer free entry if you and a few friends teamed up to pay a photographer, that way you wouldnt be assed out a bunch of cash to enter and pay a photog, and you’d also line a local camera dudes pockets too
From an event promoter standpoint it was an incredibly cheap contest to run, drove a ton of engagement on our socials, and let a lot of people compete that normally wouldnt.
In the end I liked it, but it needs work. Everything about the idea feels like it needs tweaking and it sure as fuck shouldnt be something you do to replace something as fucking prestigious as the TCOS for god sake.
I got no probs with it in some contexts, it’s the world we live in. Especially during this pandemic fuckery. But for the apex organisers of the sport to be involved in it? With a plan to make it permanent? And in so doing replace the 3 contest format in Hawaii? Fuck no.
Completely agree. I like it as its own event, just to get the free surfers showing off. When its your best possible wave or a short edit of a few, it kills safety surfing and lets people go for broke. So you really are seeing the absolute best the riders could produce.
Hear, hear!
Might I also add that, if it keeps being digital, no one, NO ONE other than JJF or a Hawaiian will ever win it again, personal videographer or not. All it takes is Hawaiians to decide no one other than their boys will get decent waves at the 3 spots… not hard to imagine, is it?
A bit like if all the old comps were run with 9 Hawaiians in any heat and a haole always had 10th priority( if Brazzo 11th)!
A shame Sonny can’t compete anymore or he’d be up for a few more Triple Crowns… better rules even when compared to his days of intimidation in and out of the water!
Aloha
Good point. Hadn’t considered that. The Black Shorts might have to hard pivot and become the Black Gloves – checking the SD cards of all the beach camera guys
God love you Saint Stan Le Franc !
Sticking up for Connor and those in similar circumstances ,
and supporting the Rabbitohs through the tough years , long after the glory years at the end of the 60s ….Many a happy Sunday Arvo was spent with my grandfather ( his brother had played 1st grade for the Rabbitohs in the 40s) at Redfurn Oval , early 70s which was hardly child friendly but 100% authentic …..blood and fights a plenty , though more often than not in the crowd !
Fun fact. I watched Ian Roberts play his first game for the Bunnies in a trial against the Illawarra Steelers at Redfern Oval. I was near the sideline on the hill side with my dad when all the players ran out. They were all carrying bitsa this and bitsa that to hand out to the fans. Ian Roberts ran over to me and gave me his ball. Wish I kept it. My wife woulda been confused as fuck if I’d told her I carried round Ian Roberts’ ball in my hand for years…
Classic !
There’s a new yeti bags commercial where JJF makes a blink and you’ll miss it appearance as a fisherman
I’m thinking this comment string just may be the best of 2021… and Stanislav, your use of F-bombs in this piece is as eloquent and well-placed as we’d find in the literary world… if it is in fact true (as I learned in the comments) that TCOS will never return to its traditional format and stays this digital farce, I can’t think of anything more devastating to pro surfing than that…
I think Derek edited out half the F-bombs!
Damn that was a good rant. Can’t believe you left Jesse Mendes out of the list of winners though!
His name sure sticks out eh! Like Michael Rommelse winning Pipe
In the defence of the WSL, or more an attack on modern life, the whole boring, fake, generic pro surfer persona is a result of social media and the fucktards who wanna jump on anything someone says that doesn’t look like “inclusive, all-sex/gender/mammal friendly”.
If Anyone wanders outside the heavily scrutinised lines of PC gobbledigook, the do-good netizens out there froth and foam and demand the cunts get cancelled.
So athletes just pay lip service, toss out boring, lame, generic drivel, and keep the sponsors happy (if they’ve got one). It’s across the board in all sports pretty much. As soon as someone gives half a glimpse into their real thoughts, they’re rained down upon by a plague of fist-waving righteous fuckheads.
Even Conor McGregor has been in all sorts of shit for his mouth and actions. Only difference is he earns gazillions for his fights, so he shrugs and says fuck it.
Surfers ain’t got the luxury of twenty zeros in their bank accounts
Thanks for putting my thoughts into words, this will make therapy this week so much goddamn easier for me.
Wait til part 2. You might even get the week off!
I don’t care about pro surfing as much as I care about people/companies doing such dumb, self-sabotaging shit time and time again.
Try being a South Sydney Rabbitohs fan during the 90s and noughties. That was some fucked up governance and planning there that got me foaming at the mouth far more than this, believe me.
But I also give credit where it’s due too. Russell Crowe has been the Bunnies’ saviour and I love the cunt. If someone can step in save the wozzle from itself, good on ‘em.
I’d rather talented surfers earn a good living from surfing rather than having no opportunity to set themselves up coz of admin incompetence by VAL fuckheads.
Yes!
But also, I did again spend my Sunday morning with laptop and smartphone, running live calculations from the lipped spreadsheet to see how much of a mathematical chance Jackson Baker was/is of still making the cut with each heat.
(Actually looking pretty good)
That’s where the beauty lies.
I think O’Leary, LOB, Callum Robson are in? Jackson Baker and Jacob Wilcox still a chance?
Would be awesome if Wilcox won Haleiwa and qualified!
Give them hell, boys !
Pretty savvy move from vans, ay ? No need for any infrastructure that cost $$$$$$ – stump up yer fee, pay yer own expenses and submit yer vids. We’ll take care of the judging.
Thanks for coming. Woozl gets a snip. Roflmao.
“No more suspense. One of the official judges is the online punter, you, me, and every other digital “fan”.
How cool, eh? Now we get to make or break a surfer’s livelihood just by pushing buttons on our phones.”
Oh my, I’ve been dropped in and now I can vote and ruin the pricks and Princess career?
I love you Elo, I love you Ziff😎
Dreams and payback do come though!
Couple of things to note. And i’m speculating.
If i’m not mistaken, Vans owns the name “Triple Crown of Surfing”, not the WSL. Not sure who they bought it off because anyone who’s been around a bit knows Vans never used to be the sponsor. In a similar vein, Bells used to be owned by Surfing Victoria.
This was a source of tension because the WSL wanted ownership of all the comps. And the only two they didn’t own were Bells (because it pre-dated professional surfing) and the “Triple Crown of Surfing” (because it isn’t actually a competition, more an award). The WSL want assets to sell later if needs be, and especially didn’t want Bells and TCoS going to a rebel tour. According to [a well known surfing identity], Surfing Victoria allegedly buckled and sold (or gave away for free?) Bells to the WSL with the promise of three more comps. Pretty shit deal, but it is what it is.
Suspect the WSL wants ownership of the Triple Crown too. Now imagine you’re Vans and you want to hold a triple crown but the WSL says fine do what you want, but no CT surfers can compete unless you sell it to us. What would you do?
Maybe this is the workaround.
You mean “reach around”. It’s all f lame now. They can’t fix it, because it’s all too douchey.
How often do you surf the North Shore? Because anyone getting out there on a daily basis would not be spewing negativity like you. Too many incredibly good feelings come from daily elation/thrashings.
I’m calling bullshit on V.S. You probably drink 40’s in your shitty car at the Harbor and cry all day. Go SURFING!
Yeah good points. Vans has run/sponsored it for a long time though, around 30 years I think. But the kicker for me was that on the official homepage, pretty much straight from the get-go, it says this is a WSL sanctioned event.
So the WSL is involved, in whatever form it may be, otherwise Vans wouldn’t bother to point that out so soon on the homepage.
Could be that the WSL wants the TCOS back exclusively, so it will let Vans destroy it, but that would involve some intelligence and foresight by the Wozzle. Therefore, that theory can’t work.
According to the wikipedia page (I just checked), Vans bought it in 98. Looks like someone from Vans has recently edited the page because it’s full of corporate bullshit.
Ha I remembered and 8 and a 9 and thought it was 89, hence my guess of 30 years. Yeah, even the corpo jibberish on the website is just slime.
No idea who runs Vans now or what kind of direction it’s heading in but the Insta page and the TCOS website is fucking everything that represents the decay of the surfing many of us grew up with.
I’m sure they don’t a give a fuck but there’s a reason the surf/ing industry is in a big black fucking hole and Quiksilver/Bong sold out to soulless companies…
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I like the colours
Penis vein blue has always been the go-to house colour of choice in astrograd.
I only have a few basic colours on my shitty 100 buck phone, though would’ve liked to have shit brown for this one hahaha
I can see this being the next Ozric Tentacles album cover.