A reign of terror.
This mid-year cut has injected so much… life into the otherwise bloated World Surf League. Here we are on the final day of the Margaret River Pro, ecstatic. Drenched in the not-yet-dried blood of Zeke Lau, Lucas Messinas, Morgan Ciblic. But here we wait for more. Will Matthew McGillivray beat Sammy Pupo in the Round of Sixteen thereby sending Owen Wright to the executioners or will he, himself, be pulled from the water’s edge and necked?
More.
MORE!
Except, look quickly in the mirror, all that not-yet-dried blood. Do you recognize yourself? Is that the boy who once snuggled mama? The girl who made Valentine’s Day cards for daddy?
And what if I tell you that Sally Fitzgibbons’s blood mixed right in there with Deivid Silva’s?
Oh but it’s true. The surf darling with that radiant smile was marched up the steps of that guillotine yesterday, publicly, causing world media to shake its head in our direction.
Fox Sports called it “a brutal cull.”
Yahoo! Sports declared, “No one likes it.”
News.com.au lamented, “Harsh new rule claims Olympic medalist.”
Fitzgibbons, herself, was as gracious as ever, penning, “The unconditional love that comes with putting on my jersey #89. Everything about this sport, the surf community and my dream keeps me coming back for more. I felt every one of those cheers and hugs from you yesterday and hope I can reciprocate when we cross paths in your big moment.”
The missive prompted 11x surfing champion Kelly Slater to respond, “Legend Sally. I’m sure yesterday was a hard one but I have no doubt you’ll be back in a few months threatening tour wins and after that title.”
7x surfing champion Stephanie Gilmore, deadnaming the new Challenger Series, added, “You’ll crush the quey and be back for pipe no problemo!”
And so now it is time to gaze into the mirror once again. Are we surf fans like French radicals of old, purging an intumescent structure but getting caught up in it all a little too much, our good intentions spinning lustily out of control?
More as the story develops.
Owen Wright in the only surfer that can’t complain about this cut! He fell off tour last year and was only able to compete in 2022 because the WSL GRANTED him a widlcard. Want to get back on tour, Owen? Show some surfing!!
who got cut ?
Surf darling? I think you mean incredible athlete whose been in the top 10 surfer’s in the women’s CT for the past 11 years.
I suggest you think about how you are protraying female athletes in your articles and then do better.
I had to Google ‘intumescent’
So there ya go
Shannon Hughes’s voice is worse than howling shrieking cats fighting outside your window at night
you think they fighting? innocent…
Boring meets more boring!
Poor Sal. Ima miss her. She just does it for me, that cute smile, unintelligible accent, cheery attitude. If I wasn’t soon-to-be Mrs. Hughes I’d love to comfort her.
You really want to see them REEEEeeeeing? Cut the boring Wamen’s tour from the Men, and watch them fade! Get the Hamburgler away from the reigns since she lays with fist idiot!
PURGE!!!
and there’s only so much shit any of them fit the image to sell!
Don’t you go introducing facts when I’m fucking generalising.
Jeez, is nothing safe anymore …
There hasn’t been one person cut yet that I will miss.
Yago?
not cut but injured. speedy recovery Yago, we miss ya
Ditto
If i never have to hear Sally Fitz post heat again or see her spruiking any product with that shit eating enthusiasm I will be a happier person
This cull has made pro surfing interesting once more .
Never thought I’d say it but well done Elo!
The forced bogan surfer voice is not endearing.
I can’t think of any surfer who could be cut that I’d miss. It’s like whack-a-mole. Take one out and three more pop up in there place!
I love the juxtaposition of Sally’s working class bogan accent and rich vocabulary. Can’t wait for her retirement so she can take Laura Enevers job.
Maybe we get her to take a pic in front of this sign next week when she is back on the Queeie. https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Since WSL events run partially like reality show (not a true sports league)- take a page out the TOP CHEF/BAKING SHOWS- AND INSTEAD OF A MID YEAR CUT- WHY NOT ELIMINATE THE LOWEST SCORERS AFTER EACH EVENT- BY THE END YOU HAVE 4 TOP WINNERS COMPETING FOR NUMBER- ONE…
Someone who kept her personality and values all the way through…respect. Have her join the WSL team and interview random punters on the beach. Be the perfect job for her.
Oooofff. That’s a low blow. She’s kept her values etc and so you want to make her spruik the WOPN?
I’d rather she got knee-deep in the Chablis and did one of those creepily-lit call-ins where she laid into them with some choice Aussie vernacular. Then she end with a “BON VOYAGE”.
She signed up with Harvey Norman. FYI non Aussies, HN is deeply loathed here, after failing to return 20 million in Covid aid it wasn’t entitled to. It looks like karma to me
the “look in the mirror” bit got got me
I avoid it when possible.
Zeke paying $1.16 to declare as trans and take out the women’s and finish 14th on the men’s challenger series
A safe bet.
His anger is manifested repression.
Kill, not mercy
Kill not, mercy
what a difference a comma/cutback can make.
In other news – how epically shit is the IKEA / WSL collaboration?
I rather like their hardwood chamber pot.
Typical of those hypocritical, wokeist, greenwashing skandies whose social wealth is built on North Sea Oil.
A timber chamber pot, fucksakes.
How epically shit is ikea?