WSL-esque.

Extreme sports, or X-Games, have been around for the better part of 30 years now and what a run we’ve all had, no? Surfing is, of course, included alongside skateboarding and snowboarding as the grandaddies of them all, each multi-million dollar industries today, but can you remember a time when the three were seen as signs derelict behavior? As the pastimes of bums and ne’er-do-wells?

Well, times have changed though inspiration drawn from prom the bum and ne’er-do-well lifestyle has metastasized into the dangerous and un-chill.

Take standup paddleboarding, for one, or subway surfing, for two.

The latter, where thrill seekers ride on top of trains, is currently seeing a WSL-esque numbers surge in New York City where authorities are declaring participation is up 560% this year compared to last.

According to the New York Post:

Speaking to MTA board members on Monday, NYPD Transit Chief Jason Wilcox attributed the dramatic surge in reckless behavior “somewhat” to social media.

“We have seen recent incidents of persons, mostly very young, riding on the top of or on the back of train cars. This is incredibly dangerous,” Wilcox said. “There [is] nothing fun or funny about this type of activity and we will continue to work towards deterring it.”

MTA number-crunchers recorded 449 “subway surfing” incidents between January and May of this year. The same period last year saw 68 incidents and 97 in 2020, officials said.

“I would implore anyone who is watching this, to tell your friends, to tell your kids: Do not do this,” NYC Transit President Richard Davey said during Monday’s committee meeting. “Please, please, please, do something else with your time. You’re not only going to potentially injure yourself as this poor young man did, you are delaying trains and you’re putting yourself in harm’s way.”

Knock it off, kids.

But also, which of our championship tour professionals would make it furthest in the World Subway Surf League?

Filipe Toledo?

Italo Ferreira?

Gabriel Medina?

Like the Oi Rio Pro, would any non-Brazilian crack the top ten?

WSL CEO Erik Logan has to be looking at 560% growth and rubbing his chin.

No?

Road rage.

I will tell you what, if yesterday happened to find me, north, driving along the Pacific Coast Highway, past Malibu’s iconic First Point, as opposed to sitting on my deck, south, just catty-cornered from Encinitas’ Swamis and reading Bolshoi Confidential then I would have been absolutely enraged. Oh, I’m sure the sun was shining up Malibu way and I’m sure there was gentle, playful surf lapping the golden sands but the aforementioned PCH, Malibu’s main artery, was shuttered for over three hours as police tried to round up a gentleman prowling around with a machete.

Furious.

For nothing is worse than locked tight traffic on the PCH, nothing at all, and a woman caught within that snare will come damn near to complete madness, a man, trapped, will consider abandoning his vehicle and seeking out the kiss of machete steel in order to end the pain.

Three hours is an eternity on the PCH.

A hellish forever.

No details were released regarding the machete man other than the fact that he was wielding a machete and first spotted near the Getty Villa. Police missed their initial chance to nab him, proceeded to lock the highway, sending Sunday drivers into dark interior places, then got him three hours later.

This is the third machete incident to strike Malibu in the last few years. In September, a vacationing father lost his eye when attacked by two men carrying machetes and a homeless man was critically injured, months later, in a machete incident.

There has been no word, at time of writing, from heir to Miki Dora’s Malibu throne Jonah Hill but it must be assumed that he is aware of this machete epidemic and is doing his best to comfort neighbors and friends. Making sure his gated kingdom is safe.

Scary times.

Real time follies in Surfline-sized "eight-to-ten-foot plus waves"!

"Medina underwent an MRI on both knees, and a grade 2 to 3 injury of the MCL of the left knee was diagnosed."

And, welcome readers, to another chapter in the Kardashian-esque life of three-time world champ Gabriel Medina. 

After making a sensational return to the pro tour following a six-month break for “emotional issues’ after splitting from wife Yasmin Brunet, banking semi-final finishes at El Sal and G-Land, Medina has pulled out of J-Bay with a tweaked knee. 

“Gabriel Medina hit his knee on his board while competing on the second day of the Oi Rio Pro,” wrote the WSL. “This Saturday afternoon, the 25th, Medina underwent an MRI on both knees, and a grade 2 to 3 injury of the MCL of the left knee was diagnosed. Medina will return for medical evaluation in two weeks for a more accurate prognosis. In this scenario, Gabriel Medina will be out of the JBay event, in South Africa.” 

 

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Missing J-Bay and, likely, Teahupoo, makes it impossible for Medina to scoot into the top five and defend his title at Lowers in September. 

It ain’t his first time under the knife this year. 

Back in April, Medina had surgery for a deviated septum, an operation where the bone and cartilage dividing the space between the two nostrils is straightened. 

Many, many causes, hits to the nose, growth defects, living the high life with an emphasis on tropane alkaloid and stimulants (see: Daniella Westbrook as cautionary tale), although Medina is notable for an ascetic lifestyle therefore non-applicable.  

Prior to quitting the tour, busting up his wife and having his septum straightened, Medina had endured myriad feuds involving his immediate and extended family. 

Much head bang.

But where does heavy metal rank on your list of preferred music? Near the top butting up against 1990s-era pop punk or languishing at the bottom right below free form jazz? Me? I never really went through a “metal phase” as grunge really took over my teenage listening soundscape but have always appreciated from afar. You may recall that I was just in Copenhagen during COPENHELL and felt lightly jealous of all the men in black denim vests festooned with patches of their favorite acts such as Lamb of God and Metallica.

Well, as fate would have it, I just stumbled upon a list from the online metal publication Loudwire featuring various metal heads that find respite amongst the waves. There are some you may already know, like the aforementioned Metallica’s Rob Trujillo and Kirk Hammett. Perry Ferrell, Anthony Kiedis, Flea, Eddie Vedder and Jon Foreman (from Switchfoot) are listed, though I would consider none of them “metal” per se.

The semi-surprising, I suppose, are Des Fafara from DevilDriver, Chuck Billy from Testament and Randy Blythe from Lamb of God.

Much head bang.

The question now is, which should the World Surf League commission to play on the cobbled stone of Lower Trestles during the thrilling final’s day?

Discuss.