“I can still see his face and his body hitting the ground.”

Southern California is currently in the midst of an e-bike epidemic. What were once tiny motors affixed to peddle bikes that allowed fatter riders to make it up hills without suffering massive heart-attacks have exploded into throttle-powered mega-wheels somewhere between a Harley Electra Glide Revival and a Honda Gold Wing in size.

These hogs, piloted exclusively by the lazy and selfish and/or young and spoiled, fly down bike paths, sidewalks, anywhere pedestrians amble at full speed cloaked in the gauze of “environmentalism” though I constantly wonder what happened to the human leg when they whiz by. Does it not work anymore? Is it a gross polluter?

Like clean coal?

Well, an out of control e-biker mowed down a six-year-old boy playing on a San Diego beach, days ago. Per the report:

“I was out in the water with my 2-year-old and my 4-year-old and I turned around to check on my 6-year-old who is playing in a sand castle with his friends,” said Davis. “And out of the corner of my eye, I see two young boys on e-bikes going really fast.”

Davis said one of the boys lost control of his e-bike, striking her 6-year-old son.

“I can still see his face and his body hitting the ground,” said Davis. “It’s awful.”

The boy was transported to a local hospital where doctors declared there has been a serious uptick in e-bike accidents this year. California doesn’t regulate the machines and I would have nothing at all against them, myself, if they were simply classified as motorcycles for weenies and forced onto streets where they can compete with Teslas and Rivians for superiority.

Win/win.

America!

The United States of America celebrates its 246th birthday, tomorrow, though not all citizens of this great nation are happy. World Surf League commentator Chris Cote called for the holiday to be “cancelled” via Twitter, Australian Jessi Miley-Dyer, WSL head of competition and tours, went further and called for an abortion of the land’s Supreme Court, others are planning to ignore the festivities as protest and the city of Orlando, Florida, an East Coast surf mecca, just released a tepid invitation to their firework show reading:

A lot of people probably don’t want to celebrate our nation right now, and we can’t blame them. When there is so much division, hate and unrest, why on earth would you want to have a party celebrating any of it? But in all seriousness, you know in your heart, Fourth of July fireworks are amazing, especially when you are standing in 90° heat, 100% humidity, next to 100,000 of your closest friends. In that moment, something takes over and we all become united in an inexplicable bond. Yes, America is in strife right now, but you know what…we already bought the fireworks.

Light-hearted?

Funny?

Sensitive?

Many did not think so, including the Fraternal Order of Police, and forced the annual host of Surf Expo, the largest surf-based trade show on earth, to release the following statement:

The city of Orlando sincerely regrets the negative impact our words have had on some in our community. We understand these words offended some of our residents, which was not our intent. We value the freedoms we have in this country and are thankful to the men and women who fought and continue to fight for those. We take pride in celebrating the 4th of July to express our gratitude to those men and women and honor the country we live in.

Serious.

Earnest.

Forced.

But how do you feel about the day? Ready to fly those famous stars and straps or red, white and blue all over?

Truth or rotten misinformation?

I was not prepared for a bombshell to explode in my lap this Sunday morning before America’s proud independence day celebration but here I sit, covered in soot, ears ringing, pants on fire. Kelly Slater, surfing’s great ambassador and its 11x world champion, has just declared to British GQ that there are currently more surfers on earth than golfers.

The explosive statement came in the middle of an interview about time telling, how good Slater is able to count in 15-second increments and watches and was delivered thusly:

Now, I wouldn’t say (surfing) is becoming giant, but the surfing lifestyle is massive around the world. I’ve heard there’s more surfers and golfers in the world and you see what kind of money’s in golf, so that caught me off guard. Most people that surf don’t compete, but most people love the beach around the world so a favourite travel destination is always going to be to get to the beach somewhere.

Boom.

More surfers than golfers on earth?

Could it be?

Let’s research.

The International Surfing Association (ISA) declares that there are 35 million surfers on earth, though I have no idea how that figure was derived. Surfer Today claims there are roughly 6 million surfers, most in the aforementioned land of free, home of brave.

Can we agree the number is somewhere higher than 6 but well lower than 35? Something like 12 million feels right. No? Slips right off the tongue and doesn’t taste an outright lie.

Now, golf. The National Golf Foundation says, in Golf Digest, there are 24.8 million golfers in the United States alone, with 2021 showing the largest net participation increase in the last 17-years. That sort of number work exudes legitimacy. Real abacus work. If the U.S. has 24.8 million, Europe must have a heap and China has over 1.4 billion people so…

…Kelly Slater is wrong and out peddling misinformation, fake news, to the fashion-conscious British male public.

For shame.

What could go wrong?

A wild yet-to-open beach club in Bali that has surfers salivating in anticipation of its libertine all-nighters, has found itself in the middle of a public scandal after a drinks promotion was branded as religious blasphemy. 

The bar, called Holywings, launched a promotion in Java last week that offered a free bottle of gin for any man named Mohammad. 

Real big mistake. 

All twelve Holywings in Java were shuttered, although authorities said they closed ’em for licensing violations, and other outlets in Surabaya and Makassar closed after pressure from conservative groups.

Alcohol is not permitted under Islamic law, and despite Hindu Bali’s club scene, the muslim majority, proletariat and political leaders alike, appreciate a certain stasis of discretion when it comes to booze. 

The Holywings management team has been quick to distance themselves from the scandal, instead throwing six employees under the bus, saying the promotion was launched without their permission.

The “Holywings six” now await trial and face up to 10 years in prison if found guilty.

And much to the anguish of the cascade of surf tourists here in Bali, after a multi-million dollar build, Holywings Beach Fest in Canggu may be shuttered for good.