ABC’s The Ultimate Surfer Zeke Lau who famously bullied John John Florence at Bells Beach set to return to World Championship Tour! “Florence’s insides were ripped out by a hyena!”

“I’m making history. They gotta make new rules to contain me."

Can you believe it’s been one-and-a-half years already since Zeke Lau, the powerfully built Hawaiian with full rounds breasts sculpted by God and which rivet the eye, won ABC’s The Ultimate Surfer and was gifted one-hundred-thousand dollars and wildcards to three events?

As fate would play it, Zeke didn’t need the wildcards; he qualified for the tour via the Challenger Series.

The six-foot-two, two-hundred pound Hawaiian, you’ll remember, qualified for the WCT in 2017 and competed for three seasons before missing the cut for the 2020 season.

Zeke’s high point on the tour was in 2018 when he highlighted the world champion John John Florence’s tender underside, an unwillingness to engage in paddle battles etc.

No one knew where to turn.

Was it good, bad, ugly? Was it a microcosm of the struggle ‘tween indigenous Hawaiian and colonial white man?

Or the reverse, the forever beat-down of the white man as he attempts to thrive as a minority?

From Longtom’s report on the day,

“Zeke, with a face like an Easter Island statue and physique to match, had monstered John, got all up in his grill and had sent the world champ into a tailspin. Combo’ed, Florence fell, then fell again as the clock ticked down. It was thrilling and almost wincingly painful to watch, like a David Attenborough documentary where the elegant ruminant gets savaged by a lion then has its insides ripped out by a pack of hyaenas. The champ looked so helpless. All that insouciance at the Gold Coast was gone and in its place was a lonely blond-haired kid being frowned upon by an older man on the stairs who shook his head sadly as the siren sounded.”

The WSL subsequently reinstated a rule that surfers could not “excessively hassle” their opponents.

“I seen the Zeke Rule,” Zeke said. “I’m making history out here. They gotta make new rules to contain me. Excessive hassling… I call it just a little love tap, y’know. That’s all it is.”

Anyway, Zeke, who turns twenty-nine in three days, was hit by the mid-tour cut despite a fifth place at Sunset Beach

Now, with one event left on the Challenger Series, the BIPOC surfer is in ninth place, and is probs gonna get back on the CT.

The WSL made a little movie about it, called Edging with Zeke Lau.



Greatest surfer ever Kelly Slater curb stomps domestic board builders already writhing on ground; uses hurtful emojis to announce “surprise” 20% off ALL Slater Designs shapes until end of month!

Party pooper.

Four days ago, news broke that Firewire surfboards was slashing prices by 20% on all surfboards until the end of November. The move, while thrilling budget-conscious shoppers, roiled a domestic surfboard building industry already reeling due an economic slowdown. Firewire, as written at the time, produces its surfboards in Thailand and has built-in advantages in terms of labor costs etc.

U.S.-based shapers have grumblingly accepted that business is business but then a wild sale, tipping even more advantage Firewire’s way. A dumping of merchandise that might have been overloaded onto cargo ships forced to float offshore for many extra months.

Is it rude?


Well, adding insult to injury, Kelly Slater dropped his hefty boot onto the heads of local craftsmen with a post doubling down on the sale. Now, of course Slater Designs are part of the Firewire offering, as the greatest surfer ever owns 70% of the company, but was it necessary to crow about the move?

To call it a “surprise” and adding gift emoji and a party popper emoji seems like much salt in the wound.

The gift emoji and party popper emoji, as you know, are generally reserved for the most important celebratory occasions. Not the wanton pursuit of cut-throat capitalism.

Does the move, anyhow, inspire you to buy a Cymatic at a reduced price or will you Pyzel in protest?

More as the story develops.

"We were number one."
"We were number one."

World Surf League “most equal sport on earth” claim shattered by FIFA chief ahead of World Cup: “Today I feel Qatari, today I feel Arab, today I feel African, today I feel gay, today I feel disabled, today I feel a migrant worker!”

How will Santa Monica respond?

There have been many changes to our professional surfing since the World Surf League came into existence some seven years ago circa 1976. Artificial wave tanks introduced as stops, a mid-season cut that sends underperforming professionals to the glue factory i.e. Challenger Series, and most important, equality.




Equal pay, equal-ish opportunity except for more than twice as many men, sort of equal chance for men and women to surf the same waves but only when squinting really really hard etc.

So much equality that tennis icon Billie Jean King is said to be aware of this game.

Oh, the WSL brass has been neither timid nor shy in openly advertising itself as governing body of “the most equal sport on earth, ” though, hours ago, those bonafides were shattered by FIFA president Gianni Infantino.

As you certainly know, international soccer is currently hosting its once-every-four-years tournament, the World Cup, in Qatar. The association has been under increasing fire for the decision to award the show to an Islamic country that maybe doesn’t put LGBTQ+ issues front and center, dislikes alcohol and possibly has a giant migrant workforce that toils in slave-like conditions.

Much grumbling amongst liberal elites from America to Europe, Australia back to Europe.

Well, Infantino had enough of the chatter and lit into the duplicity before the first ball dropped.

Per Yahoo! Sports:

Infantino, speaking at his opening press conference of the tournament in Doha, had harsh words for critics of Qatar.

“This moral lesson-giving — one-sided — is just hypocrisy,” said the Swiss.

“I don’t want to give you any lessons of life, but what is going on here is profoundly, profoundly unjust.”

He added: “For what we Europeans have been doing for the last 3,000 years we should apologise for the next 3,000 years before starting giving moral lessons to people.”

Infantino also expressed his support for marginalised communities.

“Today I feel Qatari, today I feel Arab, today I feel African, today I feel gay, today I feel disabled, today I feel a migrant worker,” he said.

Fans of professional surfing immediately turned to World Surf League CEO Erik Logan and his now-apparent shortcomings when it comes to equality. He has never, for instance, uttered “today I feel woman, today I feel Brazilian, today I feel lesbian.” Never gone the extra mile to show true allyship to marginalized groups outside of wearing oversized leis in Tahiti.

There are still a few months before the 2023 season kick-off at the famed Banzai Pipeline.

Time, I hope, to devise a comprehensive equaler equality push.

Global eyes looking at Santa Monica.

Slater (right) taking hard look at Bündchen's bottom line.
Slater (right) taking hard look at Bündchen's bottom line.

Surf fans in anguish over jilted crypto investors suing Gisele Bündchen, fear revenge of nerds will keep Brazilian supermodel from much longed for reunion with Kelly Slater!

Troubled waters.

The world has finally taken notice of surf fans, our passion, candles lit for a grand reunion between Kelly Slater and his Gisele Bündchen.

Of the power of dreams.

And candles.

Subcontinental sporting website Essentially Sports posting to its 1.3 billion fans While Surfing World Reminisces Over Gisele Bündchen’s Fling With Kelly Slater, 11x Champ Recalls Another Iconic Moment From Over A Decade Ago.

It was not his fling with Pamela Anderson but rather a win at Pipeline (I think).

In any case, much hope has led into this almost new year, Bündchen beginning to date a jiu-jitsu instructor aside, though now a revenge of the nerds hovers just over the horizon.

Jilted crypto enthusiasts threatening to sue the Brazilian supermodel, her ex-husband Tom Brady, Pete Davidson’s exes’ father Larry David and more.

Per the New York Post:

Investors not only are suing Sam Bankman-Fried, but also celebrity endorsers of his bankrupt crypto company FTX, including Tom Brady, ex-wife Gisele Bündchen, Larry David, and sports stars like David Ortiz, Steph Curry and Shaquille O’Neal.

Attorneys including star litigator David Boies filed the lawsuit on behalf of Edwin Garrison, an Oklahoma resident who had an FTX yield-bearing account which he funded with crypto assets to earn interest, and others like him.

Celebrity endorsers such as David, who filmed a Super Bowl commercial for FTX, are accused of engaging in deceptive practices to sell FTX yield-bearing digital currency accounts, the suit claims.

“Part of the scheme employed by the FTX Entities involved utilizing some of the biggest names in sports and entertainment … pouring billions of dollars into the Deceptive FTX Platform to keep the whole scheme afloat,” the lawsuit states.

As any student of marriage knows, financial stuffs make or break and here we have Slater, potentially, on the hook for billions if he marries quickly without prenup.

The 11x Champ is notoriously cheap.

Ridiculously cheap.

Will he not do the required work that it will, no doubt, take to win Bündchen’s fated hand?

Will he sacrifice his stingy for love?

More on his discounting surfboards and curb stomping domestic producers tomorrow but until then…

…no more candles. Send money to Bündchen’s legal fund instead.

Southern California’s Kolohe Andino stuns in last second Cold Water Classic win, travels to state’s hostile north and rips coveted trophy from weathered hands of surly locals!

Shark tooth to the heart.

Every year, for the past ten or such, I have begun each professional surfing year thinking “this one belongs to Kolohe Andino.” The handsome boy from San Clemente seemingly had it all. Pedigree from an iconic 80s surfing legend, one Dino Andino. Support from the most powerful brands in the space. Coaching from the much-feared Mike “Snips” Parsons. A handsome face, strong body, desire to be the best.

And every year I am left sad.

For all that talent, all that poise, Kolohe Andino has never hoisted the World Surf League Championship Trophy.

For that matter, he has never even hoisted a single event’s trophy.

But a new year is around the corner and hope springs eternal buoyed, especially, by a stunning Cold Water Classic victory, yesterday, in hostile Santa Cruz.

Andino took out local celebrity Shaun Burns in the quarterfinals. The Santa Cruz native, who had been responsible for the return of the event to Steamer Lane, told the Santa Cruz Sentinel after his vanquishment, “The Cold Water Classic is so prestigious and that’s probably my dream goal, to win here one year. I know I will, but I’m happy with my performance this year. It’s so fun competing at home with everyone cheering on the cliffs. There’s no place like it. And to have it be all your friends and family, it’s pretty emotional, actually. It’s the one contest I’d like to win more than anything.”

But Andino cared neither about local friends, family nor Burns’ cherished dreams.

Off with his head.

Next came Ian Crane but he is also from San Clemente so nobody cared about his untimely demise.

Last, Andino walloped with Malibu’s Taro Watanabe with last second heroics as a hot set steamered in allowing for high-performance hot.

“I was stoked,” the wise 28-year-old told the Sentinel. “There was a long lull in the middle of the heat and to have a finish like that was really rad.”

His prize, a megalodon chomper.

“That big, old shark tooth is crazy,” he added. “Hopefully that’s the only shark tooth I’ll be seeing in my life.”

Hope springs eternal.

Watch the entire show here.