Thirsty.
Thirsty.

Thirst trap photos of young Kelly Slater trend on TikTok as platform’s junior users discover “world’s most delicious surfer EVER” for very first time!

Chas Smith

By

"What movie or show is he on?"

We surf fans, we students of water dancing at the very highest level, have been aware of Kelly Slater for the better part of four decades. The boy from Cocoa Beach, who first burst onto the scene as an über talent in the middle 1980s and made his professional debut in 1990, seemingly had it all. Symmetrical features, green eyes that pierced, chestnut hued skin, hair begging for fingers to be run through plus much ability on the surfboard.

He, of course, used those Hollywood looks to woo the likes of Pamela Anderson, Bar Refaeli, Gisele Bündchen while also winning an unprecedented eleven championship trophies.

Over the years, the hair has been disappeared, visage lightly weathered. Oh he is still really, really really ridiculously good looking, for even a 35-year-old much less 50, but his younger package was all the way exceptional. Better than Leo DiCaprio, I’d say.

Well, as it happens, a whole new generation has discovered baby Kelly and has fallen head first into his thirst trap.

The greatest surfer of all time is currently trending on Tik Tok as teenaged girls are posting various photos to the platform and weeping at the beauty.

Overcome in some sort of hysteria.

Charlotte’s Web, which counts some 250k followers, features a montage, for example, with the caption “Young Kelly Slater is my DREAM man!” and comments ranging from “Somebody finally said it” to “hold up a picture of what movie or show he is on cause I need to find it.”

@charlotte.s_web Young Kelly Slater is my DREAM mans #fyp #surf #foryou ♬ Inside their head – anastasia

Web replied “He’s a surfer” but could have also said “Baywatch.”

In any case, do you think the weight of pin-up good looks is a heavy burden to bear or do you think it’s similar to carrying the load of cut-rate surf journalism?

Heart emoji.

Chasing Mavericks (pictured) being yuck.
Chasing Mavericks (pictured) being yuck.

Santa Cruz readies itself for burning hot Hollywood spotlight as filming set to get underway for unnamed picture on life of Daryl “Flea” Virostko from Academy Award winning director!

Chas Smith

By

Stars set to be born!

Santa Cruz, California, some hour-plus from San Francisco, has a surfing heritage that is second to none. The Sport of Kings was introduced to the redwood’d land in 1885 as Hawaiians David Kawananakoa, Edward Keli’iahonui and Jonah Kuhio Kalaniana’ole came to glide the chill. Surfing took deep root in the 1950s, Jack O’Neill inventing the wetsuit etc. and soon the town and its wave riding were one and the same.

Oh there have been some ups and downs. Methamphetamine, in particular, took deep root just like surfing and infected the scene for along time, famous names like Shawn “Barney” Barron, Vince Collier, Daryl “Flea” Virostko steering their ships dangerously close to the shoal while heeding her siren song.

Flea’s story, thankfully, did not end in tragedy. He cleaned up, launched recovery program FleaHab and now a film is being made involving elements from his life but not just any film. A film by the Academy Award winning team of Joshua James Richards and Chloé Zhao.

Per Look Out West:

Shhhhh. No one is supposed to talk about a movie-in-the-making.

But could this finally be the definitive surf-culture film Santa Cruz deserves?

“You don’t want to jinx it,” said Darryl Virostko.

Better known as “Flea” in the Santa Cruz surfing world, Virostko is the main person involved in what many are hoping is the cinematic representation surfing — and Santa Cruz surf culture — have long yearned for.

Filming of the yet-unnamed movie is set to begin in the spring, though the script is still being finalized. But the involvement of Joshua James Richards and Chloé Zhao — most famous for the cinematography and direction of 2021 Best Picture-winner “Nomadland” — have locals in the cinematic know excited despite a lack of firm details.

While (Flea) believes his real-life persona will play a central part in the movie, and is working with a young surfer who figures to play a primary acting role, Virostko remains circumspect about the plot lines as the script shifts through other hands.

“It touches a lot about life’s struggles,” he said. “But these guys are legit. The filmmakers have a really good feel for what they want to do.”

Exciting.

But did you see Nomadland? It was a fine, if depressing, depiction of workers struggling in America. Richards and Zhao have a unique filmmaking flair in that they cast both actors and everyday folk to star.

Almost vérité.

The possibility for an Academy Award winning film about surfing, in any case, is something to get giddy about. Giddy enough, even, to chase the hideous taste of Chasing Mavericks from the palate.

Back to Flea, though. Many years ago, I interviewed famed-methamphetamine dealer/surfer Anthony Ruffo in the Virostko home. It was my first profile for Stab and I described the surroundings as a “dingy meth den” or some such.

Flea, if I recall, was not please.

I imagine that scene will be left on the cutting room floor.

Zeke Lau, competing on ABC's The Ultimate Surfer. The Ultimate Surfer

ABC’s The Ultimate Surfer Zeke Lau who famously bullied John John Florence at Bells Beach set to return to World Championship Tour! “Florence’s insides were ripped out by a hyena!”

Derek Rielly

By

“I’m making history. They gotta make new rules to contain me."

Can you believe it’s been one-and-a-half years already since Zeke Lau, the powerfully built Hawaiian with full rounds breasts sculpted by God and which rivet the eye, won ABC’s The Ultimate Surfer and was gifted one-hundred-thousand dollars and wildcards to three events?

As fate would play it, Zeke didn’t need the wildcards; he qualified for the tour via the Challenger Series.

The six-foot-two, two-hundred pound Hawaiian, you’ll remember, qualified for the WCT in 2017 and competed for three seasons before missing the cut for the 2020 season.

Zeke’s high point on the tour was in 2018 when he highlighted the world champion John John Florence’s tender underside, an unwillingness to engage in paddle battles etc.

No one knew where to turn.

Was it good, bad, ugly? Was it a microcosm of the struggle ‘tween indigenous Hawaiian and colonial white man?

Or the reverse, the forever beat-down of the white man as he attempts to thrive as a minority?

From Longtom’s report on the day,

“Zeke, with a face like an Easter Island statue and physique to match, had monstered John, got all up in his grill and had sent the world champ into a tailspin. Combo’ed, Florence fell, then fell again as the clock ticked down. It was thrilling and almost wincingly painful to watch, like a David Attenborough documentary where the elegant ruminant gets savaged by a lion then has its insides ripped out by a pack of hyaenas. The champ looked so helpless. All that insouciance at the Gold Coast was gone and in its place was a lonely blond-haired kid being frowned upon by an older man on the stairs who shook his head sadly as the siren sounded.”

The WSL subsequently reinstated a rule that surfers could not “excessively hassle” their opponents.

“I seen the Zeke Rule,” Zeke said. “I’m making history out here. They gotta make new rules to contain me. Excessive hassling… I call it just a little love tap, y’know. That’s all it is.”

Anyway, Zeke, who turns twenty-nine in three days, was hit by the mid-tour cut despite a fifth place at Sunset Beach

Now, with one event left on the Challenger Series, the BIPOC surfer is in ninth place, and is probs gonna get back on the CT.

The WSL made a little movie about it, called Edging with Zeke Lau.

Essential.

 

Greatest surfer ever Kelly Slater curb stomps domestic board builders already writhing on ground; uses hurtful emojis to announce “surprise” 20% off ALL Slater Designs shapes until end of month!

Chas Smith

By

Party pooper.

Four days ago, news broke that Firewire surfboards was slashing prices by 20% on all surfboards until the end of November. The move, while thrilling budget-conscious shoppers, roiled a domestic surfboard building industry already reeling due an economic slowdown. Firewire, as written at the time, produces its surfboards in Thailand and has built-in advantages in terms of labor costs etc.

U.S.-based shapers have grumblingly accepted that business is business but then a wild sale, tipping even more advantage Firewire’s way. A dumping of merchandise that might have been overloaded onto cargo ships forced to float offshore for many extra months.

Is it rude?

Smart?

Well, adding insult to injury, Kelly Slater dropped his hefty boot onto the heads of local craftsmen with a post doubling down on the sale. Now, of course Slater Designs are part of the Firewire offering, as the greatest surfer ever owns 70% of the company, but was it necessary to crow about the move?

To call it a “surprise” and adding gift emoji and a party popper emoji seems like much salt in the wound.

The gift emoji and party popper emoji, as you know, are generally reserved for the most important celebratory occasions. Not the wanton pursuit of cut-throat capitalism.

Does the move, anyhow, inspire you to buy a Cymatic at a reduced price or will you Pyzel in protest?

More as the story develops.

"We were number one."
"We were number one."

World Surf League “most equal sport on earth” claim shattered by FIFA chief ahead of World Cup: “Today I feel Qatari, today I feel Arab, today I feel African, today I feel gay, today I feel disabled, today I feel a migrant worker!”

Chas Smith

By

How will Santa Monica respond?

There have been many changes to our professional surfing since the World Surf League came into existence some seven years ago circa 1976. Artificial wave tanks introduced as stops, a mid-season cut that sends underperforming professionals to the glue factory i.e. Challenger Series, and most important, equality.

Equality.

Equality.

Equality.

Equal pay, equal-ish opportunity except for more than twice as many men, sort of equal chance for men and women to surf the same waves but only when squinting really really hard etc.

So much equality that tennis icon Billie Jean King is said to be aware of this game.

Oh, the WSL brass has been neither timid nor shy in openly advertising itself as governing body of “the most equal sport on earth, ” though, hours ago, those bonafides were shattered by FIFA president Gianni Infantino.

As you certainly know, international soccer is currently hosting its once-every-four-years tournament, the World Cup, in Qatar. The association has been under increasing fire for the decision to award the show to an Islamic country that maybe doesn’t put LGBTQ+ issues front and center, dislikes alcohol and possibly has a giant migrant workforce that toils in slave-like conditions.

Much grumbling amongst liberal elites from America to Europe, Australia back to Europe.

Well, Infantino had enough of the chatter and lit into the duplicity before the first ball dropped.

Per Yahoo! Sports:

Infantino, speaking at his opening press conference of the tournament in Doha, had harsh words for critics of Qatar.

“This moral lesson-giving — one-sided — is just hypocrisy,” said the Swiss.

“I don’t want to give you any lessons of life, but what is going on here is profoundly, profoundly unjust.”

He added: “For what we Europeans have been doing for the last 3,000 years we should apologise for the next 3,000 years before starting giving moral lessons to people.”

Infantino also expressed his support for marginalised communities.

“Today I feel Qatari, today I feel Arab, today I feel African, today I feel gay, today I feel disabled, today I feel a migrant worker,” he said.

Fans of professional surfing immediately turned to World Surf League CEO Erik Logan and his now-apparent shortcomings when it comes to equality. He has never, for instance, uttered “today I feel woman, today I feel Brazilian, today I feel lesbian.” Never gone the extra mile to show true allyship to marginalized groups outside of wearing oversized leis in Tahiti.

There are still a few months before the 2023 season kick-off at the famed Banzai Pipeline.

Time, I hope, to devise a comprehensive equaler equality push.

Global eyes looking at Santa Monica.

Photo: Jack English
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