“Natural Caveman” Liver King admits using muscle-bustin’ steroids to combat low self-esteem amongst young men thereby buoying anxiety-ridden professional surfers!

Hope.

Fans of big natural muscles were stunned, days ago, to learn that Brian Johnson, better known as the “Liver King,” did not actually get his big muscles, naturally, from eating raw animal guts but rather the old-fashioned way from anabolic steroids.

The initial story, leaked from an email, alleged that Johnson was on an $11,000 a month habit and instead of denying, the “caveman” came straight clean in a to-camera confessional.

“Yes, I’ve done steroids,” he says after a sigh, “and yes, I’m on steroids, monitored and managed by a trained hormone clinician.”

The reason?

Well, apparently the Liver King persona was birthed to help young men not commit suicide. “Everyone is depressed because they feel lost, weak and submissive,” he roars and fighting against that is why he exists. Oh, he feels bad that he lied about not using steroids in the past, but also declares that he is not a professional athlete so who is he cheating?

Anxiety-ridden professional surfers were, immediately, buoyed by the message. They, too, are not really “athletes” and, by every appearance, don’t get drug tested by the World Surf League. Might a little jab help one huck over Teahupo’o’s very scary ledge, for instance?

And for you? Even though you are not professional, might a little juice allow you to take over your local by out-paddling all those damned soft-tops? Though I suppose that has nothing to do with anxiety, it is still be something to think about.