Liver King (pictured) surfing on steroids. Photo: TikTok

“Natural Caveman” Liver King admits using muscle-bustin’ steroids to combat low self-esteem amongst young men thereby buoying anxiety-ridden professional surfers!

Hope.

Fans of big natural muscles were stunned, days ago, to learn that Brian Johnson, better known as the “Liver King,” did not actually get his big muscles, naturally, from eating raw animal guts but rather the old-fashioned way from anabolic steroids.

The initial story, leaked from an email, alleged that Johnson was on an $11,000 a month habit and instead of denying, the “caveman” came straight clean in a to-camera confessional.

“Yes, I’ve done steroids,” he says after a sigh, “and yes, I’m on steroids, monitored and managed by a trained hormone clinician.”

The reason?

Well, apparently the Liver King persona was birthed to help young men not commit suicide. “Everyone is depressed because they feel lost, weak and submissive,” he roars and fighting against that is why he exists. Oh, he feels bad that he lied about not using steroids in the past, but also declares that he is not a professional athlete so who is he cheating?

Anxiety-ridden professional surfers were, immediately, buoyed by the message. They, too, are not really “athletes” and, by every appearance, don’t get drug tested by the World Surf League. Might a little jab help one huck over Teahupo’o’s very scary ledge, for instance?

And for you? Even though you are not professional, might a little juice allow you to take over your local by out-paddling all those damned soft-tops? Though I suppose that has nothing to do with anxiety, it is still be something to think about.


Gilmore (pictured) raging against the machine. Photo: WSL

Iconic eight-time world champion Stephanie Gilmore savages sexist surf industry in new tell-all: “I felt pressure as an up-and-coming surfer to look good in a bikini and to have that hot beach-girl vibe!”

Rage against the machine.

Surf fans do not generally agree on much. The World Surf League Championship Tour is either too long or not long enough. There are either too many surfers or not enough. Kelly Slater either should have retired a decade ago or should surf until he’s seventy. The judging either rewards floaters too highly or not highly enough. The only area of universal agreement is that Surf Ranch is not an appropriate place to host an event. Or, rather, Surf Ranch is not an appropriate place to host an event and Stephanie Gilmore is absolutely without reproach.

The eight-time world champion is as graceful as she is stylish, and charming as brave. Her ability, tenacity, dignity all 10 out of 10. When she speaks we all listen and she just spoke to Stellar magazine, telling honest truths about the sometimes nasty surf industry.

Gilmore, who appears on the cover surfing in a yellow sundress, declared, “For my first eight years on tour, my pay was probably $12,000 to the men’s $40,000. But I didn’t question it because all I wanted to do was surf,” adding later that (the surf industry) can be a tough place for women to not feel intimidated” and “Yes, there were moments where I felt pressure as an up-and-coming surfer to look good in a bikini and to have that hot beach-girl vibe. But I’ve watched other female athletes like Serena Williams be fierce and feminine, and I feel like the older I get, I realise how fun it is to embrace both sides.”

The $12,000 to men’s $40,000 is truly egregious and it is a fine thing that it is now all fixed up. The early pressure she felt to have that “hot beach-girl vibe” is also unfortunate and should have been layered onto Mick Lowe instead.

Gilmore perfect just the way she is.


John John Florence (pictured) riding high. Photo: WSL

John John Florence returns from epic quest across the Pacific, slays all challengers in Haleiwa to hoist first glistening jewel of Triple Crown high above his handsome seafaring beard!

Blonde Ambition.

When I first became aware of John John Florence’s participation in the Haleiwa Challenger, I must admit to being lightly disappointed. Oh, it’s not that I don’t want to see the North Shore prodigy done good back in his home waters, it’s just that… I don’t know… I guess the World Surf League singlet just felt beneath him.

Florence, you see, had just returned from an epic quest across the Pacific on his catamaran and, as a sailor myself, could really imagine the terrors he faced as well as the ecstasy. Sailing is a difficult game, things always going wrong, problems perpetually needing to be solved punctuated by moments of pure sublime. Running with the wind, for instance, everything still while the hull, or hulls in Florence’s case, knife through the water. Or staring up at the starry skies unpolluted by man’s light.

Glorious and to come back from that to the sound of Joe Turpel, to groveling for 1.2s and 2.3s, seemed… sad.

Well, not everything can be Jules Verne, I suppose, and Florence came back not only participated but slayed all-comers, including Kanoa Igarashi, Ryan Callinan and Açai Rodrigues to hoist the first jewel of the Triple Crown high above his blonde head.

The waves, I must say, looked proper fun and Florence’s knee looked right with wicked blow-tails not seen since Conan Hayes.

Does this mean that he is the favorite to depose Filipe Toledo as the favorite heading into the 2023 season?

Imagine Florence sitting at first after dominating Teahupo’o, heading into Lower Trestles.

Oops.


Surf virtuoso who cried for three days following backlash to WSL joke silences former Pipe Master (again) with latest knuckle-duster-in-your-face performance at Pipeline, “The dude will be savaged! He will be crying! He’s got a big mouth!”

"Let’s see that dude step up! People just let these dudes chirp. Step up and put up or shut up!”

You’ll remember, last year, when the great Shaun Tomson, a man who redefined backside tuberiding at Pipeline in 1975, slammed the Australian surfer Noa Deane for his since redacted anti-WSL stance.

“I’d love to see these wildcards, you know, the big mouths like Noa Deane, big mouth, I want to see that dude, give him a wildcard at ten-foot Pipe,” Tomoson said on the podcast, The Boardroom. “I want to see Noa Deane with his big mouth come up against Italo Ferreira and let’s see what happens… the dude will be savaged! He will be cryyyyying… with his body… he will be flayed. The guy’s got a big mouth and never stops whining about the WSL. Let’s see that dude step up! People just let these dudes chirp. Step up and put up or shut up!”

It was a silly thing to say, even for mouthy ol Shaun, as it was only three years previous when Noa took down world champ John John Florence at the Volcom Pipe Pro… at ten-foot Pipeline.

Now, more sand in the face for the sixty-seven-year-old Tomson after a hall-of-fame day at Pipeline yesterday afternoon in which we saw Noa galloping madly for the finish line on one of the waves of the day.

Noa, who is twenty-eight, will also compete as an invitee as this year’s Van Pipe Masters.

 


Open Thread: Comment Live, Finals Day where the surfers who believe in themselves, have pride and never quit will be winners!

V-Day!