Stab (pictured) enjoying the Pro Pipeline women's
quarterfinals. Photo: Shame
Subscription surf blog declares women’s Pro
Pipeline quarterfinals to be “worst day of surfing all year” in
shameful attempt to deflect attention from own Pipe Masters
disaster!
By Chas Smith
Shame.
Is there no depth to which Stab will not
dig? No shred of dignity it will not gladly untie and
pitch into the slimiest of gutters? Apparently not for yesterday
the subscription surf blog proudly stood up and declared it the
“worst day of competitive surfing in 2023.”
The women were sent out into their quarterfinal matchup in
complete garbage and the sorry affair needs no recap save to say
the new Chief of Sport Jessie Miley-Dyer should apologize to both
the surfers and BeachGrit Open Thread: Comment Live
community and do so in a heartfelt manner.
But those who live in glass houses…
Stab, let us not forget, was responsible for the
absolutely, and I really hate to use this word but, retarded
re-imagined Pipe Masters that proudly declared the once second
jewel of the Triple Crown as “the world’s best air wave” and
trickeration would finally receive its long overdue praise. Air
play plus turns plus who even knows what else.
Dumb.*
It was a pointless shake and, adding insult to injury, there
were no airs of note other than the space left with a number of
notable names pulling out and generally rotten waves throughout the
entire window.
And while it did, officially, happen in 2022 it was a whole
awful event.
Not as bad as yesterday but also like winning a heat with a 3.45
total and claiming it like an out of control Kanoa Igarashi.
*Retarded
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Open Thread: Comment Live on the Bracket
Round of the Billabong Pro Pipeline where irritating fans is the
jackpot!
By Chas Smith
It's go time!
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VAL (pictured) headed to rent surfboard from rack using
his phone. Photo: Full Metal Jacket
Declared “War on Locals” reaches dangerous
new phase as San Diego startup rolls out app-based surfboard rack
rental system!
By Chas Smith
When did it go wrong? Difficult to say, exactly,
but somewhere between Covid and Ben Gravy.
Grumpy locals, from Maine to Monterey, know
that the days of old are absolutely over. Adult learners rule most
lineups, paddling out all wrong on lousy soft-tops,
jibber-jabbering loudly about their tech jobs, misbelieving that
“the best surfer in the water is the one having the most fun.”
When did it go wrong? Difficult to say, exactly, but somewhere
between Covid and Ben Gravy and now we have clueless hordes going
straight even at places as holy as Waimea without anything to be
done. Violence has been cancelled and even stern yellings extremely
frowned upon. Light social media shaming is the last available
weapon and that, friends, ain’t gonna win the war.
The Duke rolling over in his Newport Beach grave.
Well, things are set to get worse.
A San Diego startup has just unveiled a brand new app-based
surfboard rack rental system. You know, like those electric scooter
stands that popped up in every major metropolis five-ish years
ago.
To try out surfing, you need a surfboard. And not everyone
has one or can get their hands on one, so there could be some
logistical challenges.
That’s part of the reason a surfboard rack app-based rental
system was developed. It’s called SurfUp, and it’s hoping to make
surfing a little more convenient.
The rental rate is 20-cents a minute. It also includes a few
free minutes to account for the time it takes to walk from the rack
to the sand, and back again for the return.
There are currently three racks around Pacific Beach though I’d
imagine fresh ones are already being shipped to the aforementioned
Waimea, Ours, Mullaghmore, Teahupo’o etc.
Dark days.
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Anderson, as she appeared in Brazil Vogue, and Slater,
inset.
Notorious love drug ecstasy blamed for
Pamela Anderson’s decision to dump Kelly Slater and marry
Mötley Crüe drummer Tommy Lee after four-day courtship despite
surfer being her great love, “My skin was melting, I was drugged
out!”
By Derek Rielly
“I’d never done [ecstasy] before. I didn’t even
know he’d put it in my drink!"
In a jaw-dropping interview, Pamela Anderson has revealed it
was the notorious party drug ecstasy, famous for turning whomever
is in your immediate vicinity into the greatest love of your
life, a drug by turns absurd and compelling, for her
decision to dump Kelly Slater and marry glam-rocker Tommy Lee.
Anderson, now fifty-five, tied the knot with Lee after he
followed her to Cancun, Mexico, after which she says the drummer
spiked her champagne with ecstasy.
“I’d never done [ecstasy] before. I didn’t even know he’d put it
in my drink,” Anderson said in an interview with Dax Shepard on the
Armchair Expert podcast. “My skin was melting, I was drugged
out.”
And then,
“[Tommy] goes, ‘Do you want to get married? And I go,
‘Absolutely!’”
Anderson, who was supposed to meet Slater’s family in Florida
following the shoot, had to call the then twenty-three-year-old
two-time world champ and explain why she wouldn’t be swinging by to
meet Mama Judy or brothers Stephen and Sean.
“My first phone call was to him to tell him I was married. He
was like, ‘What?’ That was horrible.”
Slater, whose every pectoral and abdominal muscle is still
clearly defined and who is still in the full rude vigour of perfect
health, is a testimony to the long-term benefits of abstinence, as
compared to Lee, now sixty, who is a dried-up stick of a guy, neck
shivering with turkey wattles, hair died a sad onyx.
Anderson divorced Lee after a DV beat-down for which he was
imprisoned and married another five men in her desperate search for
a meaningful love, although no one could compare to Slater.
“He was my big love actually,” says Anderson. “He was such a
sweetheart to me, and so good to me.”
The pair are yet to marry but, says Slater, he and Miller plan
to wed in the future.
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A lot happening. Pictured.
In blunder reminiscent of storied “Backward
Fin Beth,” World Surf League CEO Erik Logan mistakes Hawaiian
legend Duke Kahanamoku for gun slingin’ actor John Wayne!
By Chas Smith
Yikes.
Those, here, who have been around for a handful of
years will certainly recall the near-perfect Beth Greve.
Hired as World Surf League Chief of Marketing, or some such as the
WSL loves nothing more than made-up titles, Greve was billed as a
“purveyor of cool,” and flexed in classic WSL fashion. Interviews
about cool, herself, surfing, etc.
As if to confirm everyone’s suspicions, Beth Greve, the
W.S.L.’s chief commercial officer, was photographed in Bali lugging
a beginner’s board across the beach with the fins put in backward.
Backward Fins Beth became famous in surf world—more than half a
million views on @kook_of_the_day. And then BeachGrit, an
Australian Web site that delights in trolling the W.S.L., blew up
the image to billboard size and installed it on a freeway in
Lemoore, just in time for the Surf Ranch Pro. The billboard shot
zoomed around the surfing Internet.
Slater saw it. He is a tireless online poster, with a rare
degree of patience. On his Instagram feed, a magnet for cranks of
all kinds, he has spent years debating flat-Earthers, laying out
innumerable scientific proofs that the planet is round. He’s a
well-informed environmentalist; right-wing flamethrowers rain
hellfire on him for that, and he often takes the trouble to reply
to them individually. When the Backward Fins Beth billboard went
viral, Slater showed a tiny bit of pique. On the BeachGrit
Instagram feed, he wrote, “Funny. Cheap. Character Revealing.” The
BeachGrit crew was ecstatic. They had successfully trolled the
king.
That’s what it was. Chief Commercial Officer but, anyhow, yeah.
“Backward Fin Beth” was born then depressingly quit very much too
quickly and was lost to history.
Until now.
For her spirit, it appears, lives in current Chief Executive
Officer Erik Logan who, just moments ago on a World Surf League
Billabong Pro Pipeline spot, spun kook magic.
Logan, who has not been afraid to dance to the beat of his own
surf-adjacent drummer, has not yet stepped all the way right in
it.
Until now.
For in that Billabong Pro Pipeline spot Logan appeared to be
unaware that Hawaiian legend Duke Kahanamoku and gun slingin’ actor
John Wayne were two different people. The Oklahoman insisted on
referring to the aforementioned Kahanamoku, whose full name was
Duke Paoa Kahinu Mokoe Hulikohola Kahanamoku, as “The Duke” or the
nickname of the other aforementioned Wayne.
Yikes.
Questions surrounding Logan’s actual surf knowledge have
percolated for years but this blunder shows he is as clueless as
feared. He, for sure, had zero idea that Duke’s name was Duke.
Oh I know he reads, here, and know he wants to try, and,
therefore, should really enlist someone to be his surf tutor.
