Maybe fifth or sixth thing that comes to mind in San Francisco (pictured).
Maybe fifth or sixth thing that comes to mind in San Francisco (pictured).

Revamped Surfer magazine’s exciting new writer creates online outrage after ruthlessly denigrating Bay Area: “When you think of San Francisco, surfing probably isn’t the first word that comes to mind!”

Chas Smith

By

Let 'er burn!

Yesterday, the surf world thrilled as the “Bible of the Sport,” Surfer magazine, debuted an exciting “trending news” writer. Based in East Tennessee, Emily Morgan, ” a proud owner of a Pyrnesse-mix, her hiking partner, every time she hits a trail,” and enjoyer of “strong coffee, spicy food, and live music,” seemed to hit the ground sprinting, covering a proposed wave tank in Arizona.

An excerpt:

We have major news coming out of Arizona: a 37-acre surf park is about to hit the landlocked area of Phoenix, and no, we’re not joking. Thanks to @haileyfrances in a new TikTok, we got the low down on what to expect from the Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory of surf parks. You’re going to want to take notes on this one, folks. The newly artificial ‘Cannon Beach’ will not only be a mecca for surfers who want to ditch airfare prices and stay local, but it will also offer an on-site hotel.

It was the first time since 1987 that Rick Kane did not appear in a story related to surfing and Arizona, marking a radical shift and defining a fresh tone.

Morgan followed up by dumping gasoline all over California’s Bay Area and tossing a match right into the mess. “When you think of San Francisco, surfing probably isn’t the first word that comes to mind,” she penned before brutally twisting the knife. “Although the city is known for its skate spots, this clip, posted by @hunterjones_, has changed our minds about the city’s potential for catching breaks.”

Boom.

Surfing “not the first word that comes to mind.” A flamethrower after my own heart? I remember, when I was getting my start, that I enjoyed kicking Puerto Rico in the guts. The Ultimate Surfer’s Alejandro Moreda and friends confronted me, at some point, and you can listen here to how that all went down.

In any case, I’m very curious as to what Ocean Beach etc. surfers are thinking about this cold-hearted slap. Will there be retribution? A petition signed n sent to Surfer demanding respect? A caravan out to East Tennessee led by Fort Point “dicks?”

Currently more questions than answers.

Who can name the three famous surfers in this scene from North Shore? Yes! Eddie Rothman, far left, Gerry Lopez, middle, and Johnny Boy Gomes, right!

American progressives shocked by bombshell court decision to jail two native Hawaiians for hate crime against white ex-pat from Arizona, “You have the wrong skin color. No ‘haole’ is ever going to live in our neighborhood!”

Derek Rielly

By

“The hate crime messed me up…(they) brutally attacked me out of hate for the color of my skin.” 

American progressives have reacted with horror, outrage, tears and fainting spells following the jailing of two native Hawaiians for beating hell out of an old man from Arizona who’d moved to Maui thinking the proximity to the ocean might help his wife’s multiple sclerosis. 

Last November Kaulana Alo-Kaonohi and Levi Aki Jr. were convicted for punching, kicking and using a shovel to hit Christopher Kunzelman, who suffered concussion, two busted ribs and head trauma, in 2014. 

It’s the first time the US has prosecuted Native Hawaiians for hate crimes, which ain’t to say it beat-downs of white devils don’t happen. 

The Magic Mike of surfing, the ageless, peerless, dick-swinging Mr Laird Hamilton, who grew up on Maui, knows. 

“There was a certain level of …of…of…aggression… on the land. Or should I say, instead of aggression, a certain level of separation. I was a white guy in a dark guy’s world. When you’re a minority in a racially tense environment you get used to being an outcast.”

Aki and Alo-Kaonohi’s lawyers said it wasn’t so much Kunzelman being a white devil so much as his “entitled and disrespectful attitude.” 

U.S. District Judge J. Michael Seabright didn’t buy it telling ‘em, “You were a racist on that day” and sentenced Alo-Kaonohi to six-and-a-half years and Aki to four years and two months in prison. 

Heat between the men began to simmer after Kunzelman and his wife, who has MS, bought a run-down oceanfront home in Kahakuloa for $175,000. 

“We loved Maui; we loved the people,” Lori Kunzelman told The Associated Press. 

Things got real heated when Kunzelman cut the locks to the village gates, saying residents kept locking him and out. 

“It was obviously a hate crime from the very beginning,” she said. “The whole time they’re saying things like, ‘You have the wrong skin color. No ‘haole’ is ever going to live in our neighborhood.’”

Prosecutors said Aki described Kunzelman to the cops as “rich Haole guy,” a “dumb haole,” and a “typical haole thinking he owning everything … trying to change things up in Kahakuloa,”

Kunzelman said the attack left him with lasting psychological damage. 

“The hate crime messed me up…(they) brutally attacked me out of hate for the color of my skin.” 

Interestingly, Kunzelman had a gun but didn’t use it which impressed hell out of the judge. 

“He had a right to defend himself,” Judge Seabright said. “He didn’t use that firearm.”

And, in a letter to the judge, Aki pulled out the old “some of my best friends are Jews/Blacks/Homos” defence.

“I have people who I love and care about who are white.”

The Kunzelmans’ love affair with Maui is over and they now split their time between Arizona and Puerto Rico although they still own the Kahakuloa house. 

“We couldn’t even sell it to anybody because it’s not safe,” Lori Kunzelman said. “It’s not safe because of the animosity that’s there.”

Morgan (pictured) examining Surf Lakes from the foot of the Smoky Mountains. Photo: Wild
Morgan (pictured) examining Surf Lakes from the foot of the Smoky Mountains. Photo: Wild

Revamped Surfer Magazine debuts exciting “trending news” writer who resides in small town nestled at foot of Smoky Mountains in East Tennessee: “Emily enjoys strong coffee, spicy food, and live music!”

Chas Smith

By

Drew Kampion  lives.

Two years ago, surf fans everywhere broke into collective sobs when it was announced that Surfer magazine had fired its staff and was, effectively, shuttering. Founded in San Juan Capistrano, California, 1960, by high school teacher and surf film maker John Severson, the title was home to some of the greatest surf writers, surf photographers and graphic designers to ever toil under the glorious brine-filtered sun. The “Bible of the Sport” was purchase by various media companies in its later years, including Donald J. Trump’s friend David Pecker, before its eventual demise. Legendary photo editor Pete Taras wrote at the time, “t’s with great sadness that I write that today was my last day at SURFER. Between Transworld SURF, SURFER, and SURFING, that was half my life. 21 years between the three. It’s really hard for me to put into words right now the feelings. I’m a weepy mess. I taught. I was taught. I cared so much for all the creatives I worked with over the years. We were family.”

Well, those aforementioned sobbing surf fans became both greatly confused though possibly hopeful when Surfer’s carcass was exhumed, months ago, by The Arena Group as part of an alleged $25 million package. Chairman and CEO Ross Levinsohn, who enjoyed a spot of #metoo trouble for rating the “hotness” of female coworkers and allegedly “kissing and pressing himself against women” who were not his wife at a glitzy party, was extremely bullish on the purchase, citing “synergies” etc.

And, now, finally we get to see some of those. But let us meet the fresh “trending news” writer for Surfer.

Emily Mogan is the Trending News Writer for Surfer. While completing her undergraduate degree, she wrote for her on-campus newspaper and devoted her time to running socials for a nonprofit close to her heart. She also dabbled in another nonprofit, creating content, writing copy, and editing photos and videos. Upon graduation, she acted as a staff writer for a media outlet, covering many topics, from breaking news to new music to national parks. She resides in a small town nestled at the foothills of the Smoky Mountains in East Tennessee. She’s also a proud owner of a Pyrnesse-mix, her hiking partner, every time she hits a trail. Emily enjoys strong coffee, spicy food, and live music.

And instructive excerpt from a bit on Australia’s Surf Lakes.

In the clip, you get a look at happy surfers of all ages and skill level catch breaks thanks to the park’s five different levels it offers. However, while many viewers were in awe of the clip, some couldn’t help but point out that it was somewhat too ominous for their liking. “I feel like they need to put a fence around that thing or something,” worried @oakheartgardenia. Another user (@themusicman) echoed the concern: “This seems terrifying to me.”

Drew Kampion  lives.

Environmental watchdog gives approval for $100 million Perth wavepool despite fears developer will “bulldoze acres of endangered vegetation and habitat of almost extinct black cockatoo!”

Derek Rielly

By

Perth's famine of waves set to end with man-made utopia!

In 2016, investment banker Andrew Ross announced a masterplan to dot Australia with a ten-pack of Wavegarden pools, a bullish target he looked like hitting when the first tank opened at Melbourne’s Tullamarine airport in 2019 and with a second in Perth a virtual fait accompli.  

Melbourne opened to much celebration from that city’s wave-starved surfers, only for it to be shuttered during the pandemic one year later as that state endured six wretched lockdowns for a total of 262 days, the longest in the world. 

The Perth pool, which was going to be built in the Perth suburb of Alfred Cove and, importantly, a few hundred metres from my parents’ house, was shut down by the state government after local activists claimed bushland and marine reserves would be damaged. 

A few residents who, let’s be frank already had one foot in the grave, also complained it might impact upon their access to the lawn bowls club there, which apparently carried a bit of sway.

Ross and his company Aventuur shifted their focus to a bleak part of Perth called Jandakot, flat, hot, ain’t much there in that part of town except broken dreams, only for it to be suddenly revealed as home to endangered vegetation and the habitat of the almost extinct black cockatoo. 

Now, after investigation, submissions etc, the Environmental Protection Authority has said the vegetation is already degraded so, fuck it boys, y’might as well bring in the bulldozers. 

This ain’t no pristine wilderness.

“The vegetation has been impacted by historical clearing and ongoing degrading processes leading to large proportion of weeds and limited canopy connectivity,” said the EPA.”The vegetation is of low to moderate quality foraging habitat for Black Cockatoos.”

The tank takes up fourteen acres and thirteen of ‘em have to be cleared, including “3.15ha of Banksia Woodlands, a state-listed priority ecological community.”

To offset the demolition of the Banksia Woodlands, the developer Aventuur will buy 44 acres of Banksia Woodland on the Swan Coastal Plain and give it to the state in a modern-day version of the Catholic Church selling indulgences, same sort theory as carbon credits and so on. 

The tank set-up looks pretty wild, elevated walkways around the pool, caravans around the perimeter mimicking Slater’s set-up at Surf Ranch and a low-rise building which may or may not have been designed by an architect overlooking the familiar wedge-shaped pool.

If you live in Perth, this’ll change your life while simultaneously melting your credit card.

Building starts later this year, we’re told, with gates opening in 2025, 

Chief Miley-Dyer (foreground) and Chief Logan (background) crushing the game. Photo: Instagram
Chief Miley-Dyer (foreground) and Chief Logan (background) crushing the game. Photo: Instagram

Power chiefs Erik Logan, Jessi Miley-Dyer head to highly-regarded hipster festival for thrilling panel discussion on “surfing’s swell of success and the business behind it!”

Chas Smith

By

Buckle your belt buckle.

The most exciting news just so happened to drop yesterday, a spicy chorizo sausage that I plopped onto yesterday’s poutine, though I woke this morning, thinking about it, and realized it deserved its own plating.

World Surf League Chief of Executive Erik Logan and his fast-rising Chief of Sport Jessi Miley-Dyer will not be following the Championship Tour to Portugal for stop number three, the only in Europe, but rather be heading deep to the heart of Texas where they will be feted at the highly-regarded hipster festival South by Southwest (SXSW).

The power couple will be joined by Jadson Andre and British television program creator Paul Martin on stage delivering a scintillating panel discussion titled “Surfing’s swell of success and the business behind it.”

Per the show notes, “Over the last two seasons, the WSL has undertaken dramatic format changes – instituting a mid-season relegation line and a one-day, winner-take-all Finals event – which have delivered elevated audiences, driven partnerships and distribution and created tense and challenging moments for its surfers. The WSL docs-series Make or Break has been on-site and around the globe to capture it all. This panel will take you behind-the-scenes into the business of this breakthrough sport.”

Absolutely thrilling but currently there are more questions than answers. Will Logan and Miley-Dyer’s dueling self-promotion live up to sky high expectations from Austin (i.e. Instagram Stories from The Jackalope)? Will Bailey Ladders receive its proper due during the “partnerships” portion of the chat? I hate the World Surf League?

Jadson Andre.

Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms
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