Surf funnyman Tyler Allen makes must-see
music video lampooning Kelly Slater surfboard factory!
By Chas Smith
"Times are hard, board prices are super steep so,
you know, you find some groms in China to make them super
cheap..."
The surf comedy space has exploded and in just the last
few years. While Mick Fanning and Joel Parkinson were very
funny in 2004’s Doped Youth, the entire genre used to mostly
revolve around Benji Weatherly and Donovan Frankenreiter making
hijinks. Good but not great like it is today.
For today, John Wayne Freeman, Sterling Spencer, Luke Cederman
and Filipe Toledo each producing hilarity near daily or, in
Toledo’s case, when the tour rolls into Tahiti.
One of my favorites of this new crop is Tyler Allen. The voice
over artist has a sense of humor that slices like a knife and, well
let’s just get to his latest offering because it is, for certain,
going to become vanished quickly.
The piece opens with a Chinese man, chained to the floor, sad
and shaping a blank to the tune of Steely Dan’s Dirty Work. Allen,
wearing a bald cap, comes in and sings, “Times are hard, board
prices are super steep so, you know, you find some groms in China
to make them super cheap…”
And it gets better from there.
Allen captures Kelly Slater’s verbal ticks perfectly,
interjecting them into lyrics such as “When you need to get a
surfboard and your local surfboard shaper has been shut down,
that’s the time you get me running and making Kelly sounds
(cha-ching).”
Art.
The funniest ever surf bit (save Toledo’s various
masterpieces)?
Discuss.
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California surfers board up windows,
frantically call Floridian brothers and sisters for advice on
hoarding etiquette etc. as category 4 Hurricane Hilary set to make
historic landfall!
By Chas Smith
Help!
California surfers have been glued to various
wind finder applications, overnight, witnessing their very first
hurricane twisting and turning just off the southern tip of Baja
Mexico. Hilary be her name. Meteorologists are predicting she will
make landfall, in San Diego, as a tropical storm sometime on
Saturday being the first to do so since 1939.
Currently she is a category 4 and predicted to strengthen.
“The combination of heavy rainfall, the potential for flash
flooding and strong winds could very well make this a high impact
event for Southern California,” Samantha Connolly, a National
Weather Service meteorologist in San Diego, wrote in a Thursday
morning forecast.
Exciting but what about waves, boarding up windows with plywood,
hoarding and other such activities? The aforementioned California
surfers are used to all. manner of disaster including, but not
limited to, traffic jams, the U.S. Open, Jonah Hill’s ex Sarah
Brady moving to Hawaii and gloomy weather in June but never a
hurricane.
Many are frantically calling brothers and sisters in Florida, as
state that sees many of them, and asking advice.
Write down emergency phone numbers and keep them on the
refrigerator or near every phone in your house. Program them into
your cell phone too.
Prepare an emergency supply kit.
Locate the nearest shelter and different routes you can take
to get there from your home. If shelter locations in your area have
not been identified, learn how to find them in the event of a
storm.
Pet owners: Pre-identify shelters, a pet-friendly hotel, or
an out-of-town friend or relative where you can take your pets in
an evacuation. Local animal shelters may be able to offer advice on
what to do with your pets if you are asked to evacuate your
home.
But the CDC is… sort of discredited now, no? Like we don’t
trust, yes?
Florida brothers and sisters, help!
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Surfing “holy war” erupts after Kolohe
Andino issues grave three-word warning to Griffin Colapinto as
world number two explores Indian ego-transcending spiritual
practice
By Derek Rielly
“I feel nothing and I can’t understand why. Why do
I work so hard to feeling nothing?"
Two weeks before he shoots for an historic world title at his
home beach, Griffin Colapinto has posted an extraordinarily
personal message on Instagram, exploring his feelings of
emptiness and his search for meaning despite becoming the most
successful Californian surfer in over thirty years.
Not for nothing is the twenty five year old referred to as the
Gandhi of surfing. One month ago, he helped cool heads following
the furore from Brazilian surf fans after he won the Surf Ranch Pro
in May.
Amid death threats and promises of retribution on the
blood-soaked sands of Saquarema, Brazil, Griffin penned an open
letter to the surfing community, preaching a philosophy of
non-violence and the togetherness of man.
“We are all human beings! We are all one. Each person seems
to have something difficult that is happening in their life. Some
times lashing out on others can stem from something deeper that we
have no idea about. Raise your hand if you are guilty 🖐️ I
know I have been before. And that’s okay, we are humans that have
been born into a world run by the overthinking mind and the feeling
of separation. But deep down there is a love that understands we
are all one. I understand that there are different cultures but in
the end we all feel pain and we all feel love. There are so many
different perspectives and points of view out there. Who’s to say
who’s right and who’s wrong. We grow up in different circumstances
that shape our perspectives. Life really doesn’t make sense
sometimes, but surely it’s more fun that way. Because now we have
the unexpected. The element of surprise. There seems to be some
growing pains in our surf community right now. But guess what? We
are growing! Much love to everyone that is passionate about the
sport of surfing. Without the passion, there would be no growth.
Thank you!”
In his latest missive, Colapinto writes of his pivot to Sādhanā,
an ego-transcending spiritual practice from India.
So I come here to share my experience of “success”. This year
I’ve finished 2nd in the world after a full season of 10 events. I
look at that on paper and expect to feel an abundance of joy. But
for some reason I feel nothing and I can’t understand why. So I try
to think harder and feel harder but I only seem to fall further
into the trap. What’s happening? What’s this all for? Do I deserve
this? Why do I work so hard to feel nothing? Some thoughts that I’m
having. This develops into an unease, low level of anxiety that I
can’t quite put my finger on. Feeling scared to acknowledge this
feeling. Distracting myself with randomness to escape that anxiety
and when I’m back with myself the anxiety is back. Overtime if we
don’t confront these things they build and we fall deeper into the
trap. So what I’ve realized and with the help of journaling,
meditating, and talking with my spiritual accomplice@treckertis that I’ve tended to look for a result or an achievement to
give me feelings of ecstasy and most of the time that’s not how it
works. In the moment of the event unfolding is when we feel the
most! That’s because we are in the moment and that’s all that we
are focused on but once that moment is over it’s over. So it’s in
the moment to moment activities that we feel the best. We can’t
expect to keep feeling the same joy days after the event by living
in the past. So I’m deciding to let go of the attachment to an
expected feeling. What’s most important is focusing on the little
tiny details of our day right now. To practice Sadhana a spiritual
practice of life. Every moment is an opportunity to become closer
to awareness. Awareness of what we are feeling, thinking, speaking,
and so on.
I am sharing this because If there’s anyone else out there
that can relate to this and it can help them realize too, what is
happening. Then thats what is important to me. Being vulnerable is
one of the reasons I am here. To relate with others and hopefully
help us not feel alone.
All very good etc, many nice things written by a who’s who of
surfing including Tom Carroll, Zeke Lau, Conner Coffin, all
urging him to stay “real and vulnerable”.
Shock and division in the ranks, however, after fellow San
Clemente hero Kolohe Andino, a believer in the Christian doctrine,
issued a grave three-world theological warning writing, “No false
idols.”
The phrase is loaded as hell and is associated with the Ten
Commandments where it warns against worshipping anything other than
the divine.
The comment brought in the Christians.
thank you for your boldness in stating this! When we chase
after anything but Christ we won’t find the fulfillment we need.
Other forms of spirituality may provide a temporary buzz, but it
won’t last, nor will it provide long term peace. Thank you for
pouring Truth into these young surfers whether they listen now or
not! They will see something in you that draws them to Christ. You
are in the position you are in for a greater purpose!
yes sir! Jesus and god provide the fulfillment and the
foundation which will allow freedom and peace for top performances
and fulfillment regardless the results!
AMEN
Exodus 20:3. Solid Wisdom Brother
Exactly, been down many paths and Jesus is the only one that
will give you peace. Hope you find peace griff and crush
lowers!
Bible says finding ultimate fulfillment in anything other
than God is like chasing wind. You’ll never catch it and you’ll
feel empty. Those are the feelings you are feeling right now.
Christ comes to give abundant life, trust in Him for your salvation
& eternal joy 🙌 when everything else is changing, He is
unchanging.
Of course, religions exist to provide a how-to for successful
lives and there’s more than a few crossovers, Ecclesiastes in
Christianity and its preaching that the pursuit of money, fame,
cute trannies is futile, ain’t much diff to Sādhanā.
Also in the New Testament, Gospel of Matty, chapter five, “Turn
the other cheek.”
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Caity Simmers and Caroline Marks dominate
Tahiti Pro as world champ Stephanie Gilmore shows “little interest
in being there”
By Jen See
"The women belong at Teahupo’o. The progression was
significant compared to a year ago and it’s a joy to see that
unfold in real time."
Wind raged across the lineup as Caroline Marks won the
Shiseido Tahiti Pro ahead of Caity Simmers on Wednesday.
It was not the most exciting heat you’ll ever see, and it would be
a mistake to judge the women’s contest by the final.
In fact, the women made a strong case that they belong at
Teahupo’o. There’s still have work to do, sure. But the progression
looked significant compared to a year ago and it’s a joy to see
that unfold in real time.
Let’s dispense with the Steph Gilmore question straight away.
Somehow Steph made it through to the quarterfinals at Teahupo’o,
but it was clear she had little interest in being there. Steph
brought the fire to win last year’s world title, but she’s seemed
unmoored this year, and has rarely shown her best surfing. It’ll
always be a mark against Steph that she hasn’t made the same push
to decode barreling lefts that her competitors have.
Until now, she never needed to. Before its return to the women’s
calendar in 2022, Teahupo’o last appeared in 2006. Steph’s first
year on Tour came the following year in 2007. It’s worth lingering
for a hot minute on Steph’s rookie year. Out of eight events, she
won four — and she won the world title. Then Steph was world
champion for the next three years in a row.
Each year’s world tour calendar featured enough rights — and
Steph typically won them all — to secure her the title. Sometimes
natural talent is both a blessing and a curse. When it all comes so
easily, learning something new can feel like an insurmountable
obstacle. Barreling lefts have turned out to be Steph’s curse.
Caroline had no trouble sending her home in the quarters.
On paper, the quarterfinal between Vahine Fierro and Carissa
looked like one of the best heats of the day. The ocean had other
ideas. Carissa blew a take-off on a possible score early on, but in
truth neither of them found much to ride. Vahine has a smooth grace
in the barrel but could only muster a 6.83 and a 2.00. Vahine
rightly won it, but it was a low-scoring heat all around from two
surfers who had more to give.
Like several of the women in the draw, Tati has significantly
improved her surfing in left barrels. Until now, she hasn’t shown
much affinity for it, and I’ll confess to having images of her
straightening out at Pipe etched in my mind. A first sign of the
change came in the form of a pre-comp clip where she pulled into a
solid one and rode it out.
Despite her progress, Tati narrowly lost to a hard-charging
Tyler Wright. Their quarterfinal was one of the closest heats of
the day, and the split between Tati’s 6.93 and Tyler’s 7.17 may
well keep Tati up at night for a while. To my eye Tyler deserved
the score and her seven was one of the better barrels of the day
from a regular foot.
The heat between Molly Picklum and Caity was a straight-up huck
fest. It was hilariously low scoring for the intensity they brought
to it. Molly and Caity just fully went for it without any signs of
fear. Reef? What reef? There they were, just pulling into
close-outs like it was no big thing. Love that for them.
Molly had the highest scoring wave of this one, but Caity took
the win by a narrow margin. It could easily have gone either way,
and these two promise to make women’s surfing fun to watch for a
lot of years to come.
Tyler has also done her homework, and she was a back-up score
away from winning her semifinal against Caroline. With a heavy
sideshore wind on it, the conditions favored the goofyfoots going
front side. Still, Tyler managed to put up another high score with
a 7.67. It wasn’t a long tube ride, by any means, but I don’t think
she could have ridden it much better. After a smooth drop, she
grabbed rail, set her line, and rode it out. I’ll forgive the
claim, if you will.
By far the best wave the day belongs to Caity. It came just
inside the 8 minute mark of her semifinal against Vahine. The first
wave of the heat went to Caity, who dropped in for a quick tube and
turn. 6.50. Vahine pulled into a sweet one, stalled, and came out
for a high seven. She held a slim lead for much of the heat. For a
while, the ocean seemed to go flat. As the clock ticked down, it
looked like Vahine had it won. Caity needed a mid-4 to advance.
If you watch nothing else from this finals day, watch this wave
from Caity. It shows plainly her unique intuition. It’s as though
Caity feels a rhythm on that wave that few others can perceive. It
reminded me of Steph’s front side barrel at Keramas a few years
back, where she had that beautiful dancing two-step into the
barrel. No one can teach that kind of feel for how the ocean
moves.
Setting it up, Caity takes off from deep. The wave sections
ahead of her, but she smoothly bottom turns around it. Remember
now, she’s surfing backside. Caity throws a quick midface turn to
line up the barrel. Then she grabs rail and pulls in.
Shooting through the crumbling lip, she makes a clean exit. She
almost looks surprised that she made it. But she still remembers to
throw in a quick down carve to finish it. The judges gave it a
9.23. I’m not sure what else they wanted there. Just give her the
ten, you nerds!
After that drama, the final did not have much to offer. A gale
blew through and turned the lineup into victory at sea. I’m not
sure why they didn’t go on hold. I suppose they were afraid we’d
all leave and do something else, as though people who watch surf
contests have anything else to do. Spoiler! We don’t.
Buffeted by the wind-driven bumps swarming the lineup, Caroline
won it with a five and a three. The conditions gave this heat a
“what could have been” sort of vibe. In better conditions, it might
have been a real one between Caroline and Caity.
There simply wasn’t much to do here — though Caity earned some
serious core points for sending it hard and getting munched on one
of the bigger sets of the heat.
Throughout finals day, Caroline skillfully threaded the
wind-warped tubes on offer. She looks smooth and comfortable out
there. Caroline’s a bit less deep in the tube than Vahine, who has
the timing at Teahupo’o on lock. No doubt Caroline will be spending
more time in Tahiti ahead of the Olympics.
With her second win of the season, Caroline finishes her
comeback year third in the world ahead of the final at Trestles.
She should be proud of that. It’s not easy to step away, reset, and
return to the top level the way she has.
Unlike the men’s side, there were no changes to the top five.
Carissa held her narrow lead over Tyler in second. Caroline sits
third followed by Molly and Caity. The women’s finals will open
with a heat between Caity and Molly. Really, I’m not sure we could
ask for more out of this absurd format. That heat will be scrap.
The winner meets Caroline. If anyone wants to make a run up the
draw, they’ve got a very tough climb.
It’s perhaps fitting that Carissa and Caity sit at either end of
the draw. In her first year on Tour in 2010, Carissa won two events
and finished third overall. At the time, she was compared to Kelly
and Dane for her progression, poise, and inventive surfing. Surfing
her first year, Caity has also won two events, and currently sits
fifth overall. She’s regularly compared to Dane and John John.
In the current moment, they sit at opposite ends of their
careers. Caity combines flashes of sheer brilliance with youthful
inconsistency. Carissa meanwhile steady refines her prodigious
talent and has seemed to find inspiration rather than fear in the
performances of younger surfers like Caity and Molly. Caity has
everything ahead of her — both the good and the bad.
The meeting of these two generations promises to push them both.
And along the way, they’ll surely raise the level of women’s
surfing still further. Already, two years of women’s contests at
Teahupo’o have shown us glimmerings of what’s to come. Ten years
from now, it may all look entirely different. It’s sure to be one
hell of a ride.
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Stickers reading “Dave Prodan Killed
Surfing” mysteriously appear at Lower Trestles ahead of Rip Curl
WSL Finals!
By Chas Smith
World Surf League chief strategist outed!
Another World Surf League season is drawing to a
close, this one mostly memorable for CEO Erik Logan
getting ruthlessly fired and disappeared in the back half. Other
than that, it was marked with generally poor surf, silly booth
talk, Bailey Ladders, Kelly Slater’s make-believe wildcard, Make or
Break getting canceled, Jessi Miley-Dyer promoting herself to Chief
of Sport, greenwashing, sportwashing, Cup Noodles.
Who is to blame?
According no The Animal Chin, the buck stops with Dave
Prodan.
In a scintillating expose from one month ago, Chin
argued:
Recently, Surfer and Stab recommended that Dave Prodan,
current Chief Marketing Officer, be groomed as successor to the ELo
throne. While his pedigree and involvement may be what Dirk and
others view as logical and prudent, he is absolutely the wrong man
for the job.
To begin, Dave has sat idly by while the WSL turned into the
“bullshit wannabe tennis tour” that Bobby foresaw. Along each step
of the way, Dave was fully responsible for the hype and positioning
of the company in this pivot.
Well, it appears as if others agree.
A few short weeks away from the Rip Curl WSL Finals at Lower
Trestles, another bungled idea, stickers are turning up down that
iconic trail reading “Dave Prodan killed surfing” next to a
photograph of Prodan’s face once described by the great Derek
Rielly as having enchanting “big eyes, delicate hands, never dirty,
and silky hair that he smooths vigorously each morning in the hope
of flattening a cow-lick which rears from the top of his
skull.”
The stickers are on street signs, on guard rails, on light posts
and trash cans.
Who placed them?
How did they arrive?
Is the statement true?
David Lee Scales and I discussed on our weekly chat. It is his
inclination that the last man standing will have to take the blame
and he is certainly right about Prodan’s tenure. He has weathered
more regimes than I can even count, stretching back decades into
the mists of Association of Surfing Professionals. He has slowly
risen to a place of power, hosting the World Surf League’s popular
podcast and exemplifying newspeak in its most pure form.
But killing surfing?
What are your thoughts.
David Lee and I also talked about Committees for Equity in
Women’s Surfing and other such important things. I think you will
enjoy.
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Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by
@theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros