Real chill sparks.
But who would have ever guessed that Mark Zuckerberg, a college dropout who enjoyed ogling unattainable coeds back in the early aughts, would become the modern version of a renaissance man? The big wave stud, who confesses to doing “a fair amount of, like, extreme sport type stuff,” is notable for his foil exploits, spear chucking, BFFing of Kai Lenny and, now, mixed martial artistry.
Though certainly you are following along Zuckerberg and his challenging of Elon Musk to a cage fight. What, days ago, seem destined to happen
“I offered a real date. [UFC president] Dana White offered to make this a legit competition for charity,” Zuckerberg shared via his Twitter-like Threads. “Elon won’t confirm a date, then says he needs surgery, and now asks to do a practice round in my backyard instead. If Elon ever gets serious about a real date and official event, he knows how to reach me.”
The talk of a testosterone-soaked muffin. “Super cool, super fit,” to pull from the aforementioned Lenny.
And, I suppose, as is such with alphas, Zuckerberg recently slid into Lindsey Vonn’s Instagram comments, overnight, and delivered a seductive message.
The all-time leader in women’s World Cup downhill ski racing, Vonn had decided to try a little e-foiling on a placid Lake Tahoe. “Maybe not doctor approved but man I had fun! First day on a foil and knee feels great. Full steam ahead,” she wrote of the clip that featured her whizzing here and there.
Unable to contain himself, Zuckerberg left two clapping hand emojis. Vonn, who once dated Tiger Woods, was unable to resist and responded by asking the Meta founder on a date, “Have you foiled?! Let’s go!! Or skiing lol”
As if she didn’t know The Zuck was an expert foiler already.
The muscle-bound grappler took opportunity to mansplain “Once you get the e-foil down, try towing behind a jets on a regular foil board. Then you can go in the ocean and that’s even more fun. Skiing it pretty good too…”
Sparks.
Real chill sparks.
Chas is telling Zuck, no, you’re not cool, you’re not tough, you’re not a fighter, you’re not a waterman, you’re not a player. I will remind you who you really are. You’re a rich Jew nerd. That’s the subtext of this piece and many others he’s coined.
Chas senses that Zuck is vulnerable on the identity issue (he’s not, he could care less) and it’s his job to keep people like Zuck, who want to appropriate a little bit of surfer-cool, in their lane, in their box. He is The Enforcer.
He’s already, reluctantly, given “nerd” Kai Lenny a pass for flouting traditional surfer norms and has softened his tone with Jonah Hill.
But you gotta draw the line somewhere.
Chas is, if nothing else, a traditionalist, a man who likes his surfers to be drawn from the “central casting” cloth.
He still has a little bit of that “edginess” that we saw in “The Fascist Issue” of Stab. I do it because I CAN do it, to piss people off. And so we get the gratuitous, fuck the crying Holocaust granny’s feelings. There’s a raw power in that, no? Harkening back to the days when surfers were real men, strong men, unfeeling men. Not sensitive surfers like Jack and Griffin who seek inner peace through meditation.
But the only problem and I think Chas senses this is that his efforts to mock Zuck don’t deter him in the least. He doesn’t turn red in the face and feel shame for not fulfilling Chas’ strict idea and image of what a true surfer or waterman or “cool guy” should be like.
He’s living his life. Seems to be enjoying himself, in spite of being a dork and not fitting the central casting mold. He doesn’t seem to want or need anyone’s permission or approval. And remember, the requirement for successful mocking and bullying is that your target cares what you think of him.
Interesting piece CC! I believe it is hard to say if Zuck turns red under his zinc covered face but lets go with it for now. As for those of us who also don’t come from surfing’s central casting I say yea for Zuck and also for Chas! Yes the mocking of public figures is entertaining and whether Zuck or his bootlicking handlers are aware of the mocking or not I, not of surfing’s central casting, remain wildly entertained. So while I surf rather poorly and don’t give a shit what anyone(territorial cunts included) think when I paddle out, respectfully hang out and wait for a less crowded wave while watching the surfers from central casting ply their trade I know one thing for sure. BG brings me entertainment and I can return the favor when those not from ski town or wall street central casting show up in my backyard and attempt to ride my mountains, yes I own them just life the cunty territorial surfers own the break I dare to paddle into…YAWN
Oh Chas, PLEASE keep up the mocking bro!
Thanks. Big fan of Chas. So on rare occasions I must post a “culturally valuable” critique of The Man to avoid feeling like the complete fan boy that I probably am.
Some might say Chas has thick skin. But the jury is still out so let us mock him as he mocks Zuck however deserved the mocking of Zuck may be.
FUCK EVERYONE of you clowns that have surf schools, or had ANYTHING to do with that kook blue crush crap! FUCK KOOKS!
I feel that way about tourons(a cross between a tourist and moron) showing up at my ski area or my backcountry mtns.
Scorn promises to NEVER board in your area,…unless you live in Japan.. The US mtns are full of city garbage. Japan is so refreshing
Spot on! I lift served 11 days(all less than 2 hrs on the hill) and 40 days of backcountry as I’m over the shitshow. Will you ride with a skier(ex- 80s ski bum) if I come to Japan?
lost in translation…what say you Jen?
we did volumes on sanitary napkins, then,,,
Mrs. Zuck looking a little long in the tooth through the TRT haze? Maybe Zuck is shopping around for another athlete of his calibre to share his seed with?
Lindsey was a great ski racer and a world class athlete, BUT she can’t hold a candle to Mikaela Shiffrin
Lindsey looks thick and the E foil looks comical
Maybe she should date that khalil dude? She would break fuckerberger
Yeah she’s a powerful physique, got to be to push skis hard it’s a brute force game
She’s going about 0 mph on that foil, sped up action make it look comical. It’s hardly out of the water. And you calling that thick? Nah.
In more interesting news, T.E. Lawrence was born today, August 16th, 1888.
Is that #1 on the “Nobody gives a shit” list?
Lawrence is hero of heroes!
Of likely greater interest to BG readers is that today is the birthday of both Charles Bukowski, the ” laureate of American lowlife”, and Otto Messmer (your namesake?), inventor of the immortal Felix the Cat.
the master plan
starving in a philly winter
trying to be a writer
i wrote and wrote and drank and drank
then stopped writing and concentrated on drinking
it was another
art-form
and so i became a starving drunk instead
of a starving writer
(CB from You Get So Alone)
How much fun would it be to fight Mark Zuckerberg!? He’s currently in a beaked up trained up state, but also a full on Harvard cum Silicon Valley pussy who’s heard nothing but “yes you the man” his entire life. Certainly has never had a single fight. Elon should give it a go.
I bet Zuck would fold up like an orgami crane if punched hard in the nose. Maybe if Chas torments him enough he could get a shot?
As the great philospher Mike Tyson once said:
“Everyone Has a Plan Until They Get Punched in the Mouth”
Zuck has never been in a real fight and would fold as he isn’t tough and would fold with the first punch
What if you grabbed him and realized he was grounded more than I. Sure would suck thinking that was a bad idea..
I think it would still even be fun to lose a fight with Zuck? It would be surreal
There is absolutely no way in hell that is Tahoe. Looks more like Powell or Mead.
Smoke, man.
Nah, only if its green. Cigs are fucking disgusting.
Powell
Way to call out the spot.
Are we pretending lakes are secret spots now?
Lindsey Vonn is the former all-time leader in women’s World Cup downhill ski racing.
Yeah, Mikaela Shiffrin took that away earlier this year.
Both insane elite athletes, such balls to want to push razor blade edges that fast on ice.
I’d rather hang with Mikaela as she is more enjoyable to be around…
*All-time leader in the downhill racing category and four overall titles or one less than Mikaela. While Mikaela has 88 world cup wins to Lindsey’s 82, impressive for both.