The all-important surf vote!

It is impossible not to be at least vaguely aware that citizens of these United States will march to the polls in just over a year’s time with the task of electing our next president. Conventional wisdom suggests only two viable options. The same two options as four years ago. 80-year-old “Sleepy” Joe Biden and 77-year-old Donald Trump.

On the Republican side, the base seem to truly love their aged showman (Trump) and are not put off by his age or antics. On the Democrat side, though, there is much consternation about putting up an octogenarian with, clearly, diminished facilities and an almost universally disliked VP.

One might think, therefore, that other options would be welcomed but no. The Democratic National Committee has preordained Biden, like it did last election, and he will be wheeled out come hell or dementia.

Thus making Laird Hamilton and Kelly Slater’s public backing of a “disruptive” candidate that much more intriguing.

Who could have ever imagined a man, or woman, carrying the surname “Kennedy” would be a Democratic outsider but here we are in brave new days.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr., extremely muscular, tan, married to Larry David’s television ex-wife, son of the assassinated Robert Kennedy, nephew of the assassinated John F. Kennedy, should be the savior of the left but the DNC has decided it hates him, the mainstream media following suit, tarring him wherever he goes.

Laird Hamilton and Kelly Slater, though, ain’t sheeple and have thrown their weight behind baby RFK, flying right into the teeth of “the way things are supposed to be,” even attending fundraisers even though Slater has a reputation of being notoriously cheap.

Kennedy, taking to X, wrote, “At Kennedy for President fundraiser in Malibu with Big Wave surf deity Laird Hamilton and his wife volleball champion @GabbyReece + With @KellySlater, 11 time World Surf League Champion at Brentwood fundraiser.”

Will they be punished for the move? The New York Times publishing a nasty expose on Slater’s environmentalism? The Washington Post putting Hamilton on its front page as “cancellable cultural appropriator?”

I once promised the all-important “surf vote” to Republicans in Florida even though I couldn’t really deliver.

Politics, man.

But is the union already troubled?

The raging surf media war, which has captured hearts and minds over an otherwise dull weekend, is sadly dying down. Though who could have seen a poorly conducted, though otherwise innocuous, interview with the World Surf League’s Chief of Sport Jessi Miley-Dyer on the premium subscription surf blog Stab exploding into mutually assured destruction?

“Mutually” referring to Stab and the World Surf League, of course.

Certainly not me, referring to the “seeing it.”

But let us review the past few days’ events.

On September 20th, Stab published the World Surf League’s 2024 Championship Tour schedule hours before any other surf outlet, chasing it, later, with a softball interview with the World Surf League’s Chief of Sport Jessi Miley-Dyer, where no tough questions were asked.

After a small bit of tweaking from readers and anti-depressive surf sites over the goofy softball business, Stab’s founder Sam McIntosh became angry enough to publish The Dickhead Index in which he, very white teeth flashing, defended the commercial art of being a pussy.

JP Currie responded with a fierce takedown which led to comment threads here and there with even more revelations, from Stab’s editor-in-chief Mikey Ciamarella, detailing that the aforementioned Jessi Miley-Dyer was only allotted fifteen minutes of chat time and required a North Korea-esque minder to be on the phone.

Now, Sam and crew could have easily let the Miley-Dyer interview slide, taken a few licks in the comment section and moved on. In trying to defend, their cozy relationship was spectacularly blown up in what can only be called an act of sheer editorial incompetence.

“Paid media” is never supposed to be obvious. The payer, in this case the World Surf League, is already struggling with legitimacy and, therefore, attempting to curry quiet favor through favors (“access” and footage). The payee, in this case Stab, was supposed to simply provide cover while accepting said favors.

Instead, Stab made the notoriously controversy averse World Surf League look thirsty then pathetic, and also the center of an unfortunate story.

No doubt McIntosh is beating himself up, tonight, over the disaster he created.

World Surf League brass, likely, quietly fuming and reconsidering the coupling.

Well poisoned.

Possibly.

Another casualty?

Stab’s Google byline.

It used to read “Trusted media of core surfers everywhere.”

Now simply “We are writers, video editors, and photojournalists. But mostly, we just like to surf.”

Goodbye, integrity. I’m flying over you.

"You, sir, are no Jack Florence."

Having been in or around “extreme sports” for the better part of fifteen years, I have seen some things while drawing some conclusions. Professional skaters, snowboarders, surfers generally respect what each other do and are often passable in their non-dominant pursuit. Every paid snowboarder I know both surfs and skates. Most sponsored surfers I know snowboard. A handful of competitive skaters I know snowboard though none of them surf.

Still, a general respect and understanding of specific nuance, which makes surf champion Italo Ferreira’s recent clip that much more amazing.

In a spot of Cariuma shoes, the Brazilian ditches his trusty surfboard for a little quarterpipe session. Having seen Ferreira do all manner of crazy surf air, I was expecting greatness, so was shocked to see him awkwardly pump back and forth before the camera cuts to a stunt double’s feet doing a “trick” before a model comes out and snaps a pic of Ferreira faking a “move.”

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A post shared by Italo Ferreira (@italoferreira)

It is truly like he’s never seen anyone skate before and might be considered straight satire but, with the obvious lack of any awareness, it simply falls into the accidental cultural appropriation bin.

Whew.

Art?

I’m going to say “yes.”

Stoke-ed.

Do you think you skate better than Italo, anyhow?

You, sir, are no Jack Florence.