Kolohe Andino slams “Pipe Masters” as John John Florence wins controversial exhibition event

"It's so clearly a slap in the face to the WSL and the title 'Pipe Master'"

There’s no need, I suppose, for any more musing over how the WSL and Vans destroyed surfing’s most precious cultural relic the Pipeline Masters, although Kolohe Andino’s calculated swing tonight calls for it.

A brief recap for those who’ve swung into the party late.

A hammer was taken to the contest when the WSL, and Vans who own the intellectual property rights to the Pipeline Masters, couldn’t swing a mutually satisfying agreement with Billabong for ‘em to continue as naming sponsor of the event.

See, because the WSL’s wanted to start the 2022 season in Hawaii and end it at Trestles in September, they had to run the 2021 Pipe Masters in January. Therefore there couldn’t be two events in the same year so the usual December slot wasn’t used.

This meant that for 2022, the WSL had to juggle the events and come up with new dates and names.

The Volcom Pipe Pro got dropped in favour of Billabong taking over that slot, renaming it, awkwardly, Billabong Pro Pipeline.

The Pipeline Masters still runs on its usual dates, December 8-20, 2022, but it’s an invite-only event with a focus on Vans-sponsored surfers. Cash is good, broadcast is fun, the gals get their share of the waves and loot, but it ain’t no Pipeline Masters.

A couple of hours back, John John Florence, won what was theoretically his second Pipe Masters (Johnny won in 2021 before the keys were handed back), although historians, or historian, there’s only one, will debate the merits of win number two.

In any course, Kolohe Andino, a long-time friend of Johnny’s, came out swinging after the WSL posted a clip of today’s win.

“Funny you guys promote this event when it’s so clearly a slap in the face to the WSL and the title “pipe master”, wrote the almost thirty-year-old Kolohe Andino. “It’s a sad, thirsty for content surf world we are enduring.”

Kolohe Andino comment on Pipe Masters
Kolohe Andino pays his respects to the WSL and the Pipe Masters.

Surf fans, for the most are in his corner, 381 likes so far and replies including:

u should run for president of WSL brother Kolohe Andino.,

Agree 1000% but feels like this comp was so much better than CT events even the Pipe event in January. It’s obviously not the same as it used to be with the tour ending at Pipeline but with the WSL trying to be cost efficient i don’t think it will ever come back to the better format. Also this is what happens when the judges do not rob John John

Legend John John but wsl please get with the program and have the actual pipe masters for the final event no more final 5 at trestles please

Did I miss something Kolohe Andino? What happened to the Pipe Masters? This seemed like an invitational event or something.

World Surf Losers are feeling the #boycottwsl due to their idiotic, short-sighted, woke, corporate, nonsurfer choices by eliminating events from September – December, eliminating Pipe as the final event, creating a Final-5 at Trestles in August where the top 5 surf that event with zero points-winner take all, and canceling @bethanyhamilton for having the massive labias to tell the truth. Eat 💩 @wsl . Vans created a better contest than you’ve had since you decided to run the Final-5 kook idea. Cry me a river rollerbladers.

Also, Chas Smith, who Hates Surfing, covers the Pipe Masters in detail below.

The nightmare of an incoherent world.


Surf great Kelly Slater lashes out at “young people” and common core math while getting wrong answer on Instagram question!

"The incessant need to be correct is not a virtue."

There is no field that surfing’s renaissance man Kelly Slater doesn’t expert. He’s smarter than most doctors, wiser than historically inaccurate trolls what with his Chinese girlfriend bonafides, a master of math, or maths if the reader finds him(her)self Australian. Yes, the Pipe Masters is currently rounding into its final heat but who cares?

Not me.

I care about the equation 60 ÷ 5 (7 – 4) =

It just so happened to appear on The Tinder Blog, a meme account, with the caption “What’s the answer?? We beefing hard about this in group chat.”

As it also just so happens, I am a pre-K through 5th grade math(s) teacher having accepted the role of “Senior Math(s) Faculty” for a private school consisting of my child and my friends’ children. I failed abysmally at the subject through my own education and figured I could right wrongs.

In any case, Slater jumped straight into the comments with a searing comment, penning, “Amazing confidence in wrong answers here, even from math teachers. It’s 4. But I suppose younger people learning common core math might be confused. Gotta handle the parenthesis first and that includes multiplication before division.”

Shockingly, the GOAT was wrong.

I worked the equation and came up with 144 though that may be wrong too.

In any other case, many came in and pointed out the 24 ÷ 2 World Surf League Champion’s fault and did he take it?

No.

He spent multiple hours arguing his case before, at the end, rolling over with a banger, declaring, “The incessant need to be correct is not a virtue. Get some rest, take the W, and have a little fun with the mistakes in life.”

Slater, wrongly, adding a comma before the “and have a little fun with the mistakes in life.”

Does he strike you as someone who heeds that poignant advice?

I hate surfing.

But what is the answer?

Gotta teach tomorrow.


Open Thread, Comment Live on Final’s Day of the Pipe Masters

Ok, fine. Here.


Locals made mad.
Locals made mad.

French Olympic organizers vow to press on with the difficult work of infuriating Teahupo’o locals

The tower to rise again.

The five ringed circus of Olympic surfing’s reprise in Teahupo’o is really… something. From glee in all corners, save Filipe Toledo’s, about the show being put on at “The Place of Broken Skulls,” to talk about replacing the old wooden judging tower with a new fangled aluminum one to “testing” how ecologically friendly it would be by driving a barge over the reef, it has all been nothing if not… comical.

Oh certainly not for the blessed few who actually call Teahupo’o home. For them, and by extension surfers everywhere, this is a matter of right and wrong. Of fighting the almost un-fightable battle against greed. Well, the French organizers, yesterday, declared that work on the tower will begin, again, this week after agreements were reached with the protesting locals.

According to the Associated Press, Tony Estanguet, head of the Paris Olympics organizing committee, is pressing ahead after sorting out a smaller barge that will run between the reef instead of over it. He also agreed that the first test “went very badly.”

There was no note regarding which protesting groups agreed and what they agreed to. Hopefully everyone is satisfied but, man, I’ve got to hand it to the French Olympic committee. The folk who live down at the end of the road are about as kind as they come. Infuriating them all a very heavy lift.

Also, importantly, what does Kanoa Igarashi think?

Faire un paiement est simple comme bonjour.


How did Vans and WSL kill the only unkillable thing in surfing?

"The death of the Pipe Masters is a tragedy beyond tragedy."

The surf journalist Chas Smith, an old flirt with expressive soft hands and a slightly gaunt northern European face, is well-known here and in the broader surf world, a writer who knows how to use minor characters to humiliate and belittle their protagonists.

When he stretches his delicate fingers in the air and clicks them like castanets, publishers come running.

You know the books, Welcome to Paradise Now Go to Hell, Cocaine and Surfing, Reports from Hell and Blessed Are the Bank Robbers. 

As Daniel Duane wrote in Outside Magazine,

Cocaine + Surfing is a dazzling page-turner, highly-recommended beach reading, and absolutely the funniest book ever written about surfing. To hold those contradictions together in one’s mind, it helps to recognize that Smith’s literary models do not include serious works like my man Warshaw’s scholarly History of Surfing or William Finnegan’s Pulitzer-Prize winning Barbarian Days; A Surfing Life.

Cocaine + Surfing belongs, rather, to the honorable lemons-into-lemonade lineage that begins with Ross McElwee’s cult-classic 1986 documentary film Sherman’s March: A Meditation on the Possibility of Romantic Love In the South During an Era of Nuclear Weapons Proliferation, in which McElwee tries to make a film about the civil war but ends up interviewing all his ex-girlfriends instead, and Geoff Dyer’s Out of Sheer Rage: Wrestling with D. H. Lawrence, an unforgettable book about not writing a book about D. H. Lawrence.

All of which is meaningless except as a chip shot into BeachGrit’s new vlog series, Chas Smith Hates Surfing where, with an affectionate scorn for the sport, Smith turns his eye to the week’s events.

Cruel but essential.