Hello, fellow surfers. Have you heard of Banzi Pipeliner?

AI-generated Surfer Magazine infuriates locals by partnering with popular-adjacent YouTuber to out secret spots!

By Chas Smith

8 months ago

A heavy reckoning.

If there is one particularly ugly blight in the apocalypse we are currently living, it is the reanimation of once-proud Surfer Magazine. Purchased by The Arena Group a Toledo-sized handful of years ago, the dormant “bible of the sport” was given over to just pre-sentient robots named “Emily Morgan,” “Jake Howard” etc. and ordered to gobble up anything surf related. The bits and bytes were, then, repackaged with the purpose of duping the naive and/or unsuspecting into reading.

Weird robot talk seeped in, though, along with weird robot takes which have, increasingly, infuriated real boys and girls.

The latest?

Surfer bots have partnered with YouTuber Dan Harmon (not the famous one) in order to out beloved secret spots like Torquay’s Winkipop and Santa Cruz’s Steamer Lane.

“A love of surfing often leads to a love of travel, “Jake Ekardt” “writes,” making it even weirder by adding, “Surfers love to seek out remote waves and unknown places. Or nowadays, post up at luxury resorts alongside epic surf.”

Very…

In any case, Harmon also spoils Margaret River, presumably Main Break, Haleiwa, Hawaii which somehow includes Pipe and Sunset, and the Mexican Pipe way down Puerto Escondido way.

Local toughs seething that their once-veiled waves are now listicled. Making things worse, this is part two. Part one saw San Clemente, Coolangatta and Chungoo, Bali all thrown right under the bus.

A heavy reckoning.

Will Surfer be banned in all the towns it spotlit like Surfing once was from Salina Cruz?

Time will tell.

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Mormon (pictured) doing straight air.

Question: Why aren’t there more Mormon professional tour surfers?

By Chas Smith

8 months ago

Help, please.

Last night, after a long day toiling down in the surf journalism mines, the family and I went out for dinner at a humble local establishment. I was hungry from an honest day’s work covering blood feuds and linguistic wars and looked forward to a break. But no rest for the weary, and as we were seated, I noticed a large table filled with handsome young men, beautiful young women and a handful of glowing parents. The boys had razor sharp wetsuit neck tans, the girls sun and saltwater kissed hair. Dads and moms both looking very surfy. Each was drinking a bubbly water and I immediately thought, “Mormons.”

Which directly led to another.

“Why aren’t there more Mormon professional surfers on tour?”

The Latter-Day lifestyle, all healthy and centered, family-based and motivated, entrepreneurial and multi-level, would seem to be the perfect environment for brewing World Surf League standouts. Mormons excel at sport, here in America, with their plucky Brigham Young University regularly besting conference powerhouses in football, baseball, basketball. The NFL, NBA, MLB all feature fine and successful Mormon athletes.

Why, then, no professional competitive surfers?

Making the conundrum even more baffling, the LDS church has colonized much of Polynesia, BYU has a campus on Oahu’s North Shore and Joe Turpel.

So, again, what’s really going wrong?

Professional competitive surfing has, long ago, left its party era where stars like Andy Irons and Eugene Fanning standard bore. Today’s best-of-best are all both straight and narrow, from the Colapinto bros to Jacob Wilcox. Even Italo Ferreira exudes Mormon-adjacent vibes. The Church of Latter-day Saints has an estimated portfolio of $100 billion dollars and, I’m sure, could create a surf academy that would dominate the Sport of Queens for years.

Why doesn’t it?

Help, please.

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One punch, two ruined lives. Grant Coleman, left, sentenced to three-to-five for the killing of Narrabeen surf prodigy Chris Davidson.

Surf star Chris Davidson and his “executioner” Grant Coleman “both living on past glories” says judge

By Derek Rielly

9 months ago

“I must say I do not doubt many in the local community would have agreed with (Coleman). Mr Davidson was more than a pest."

A little earlier today, news that Chris Davidson’s killer had been sentenced to three-to-five years in prison for the unlawful death in 2022 of the surf star outside the grandly named South West Rocks Country Club.

Chris Davidson, who was forty-five, was knocked unconscious by Grant “Grub” Coleman, a forty-three-year-old former rugby star, around eleven pm, treated at the scene and taken to Kempsey Hospital but pronounced dead a short time later.

In Newcastle District Court on Friday, Judge Peter McGrath was unsparing in his criticism of the men describing them as “both living on past glories.”

Coleman, he said, believed he was the “unofficial sheriff” of the small coastal town and had a fixation with Chris Davidson following the surf star’s conviction in 2017 of indecently assaulting a fifteen-year-old girl.

Coleman saw Chris Davidson approach a nineteen-year-old girl at the bar, kiss her on both cheeks, tell her she was the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen and then offer to take her to France, at which point Coleman started yelling, “You’re a pedeophile!”

It all went to hell and finished outside, Chris Davidson dead on the footpath.

“Mr Coleman felt justified in his attitude towards Mr Davidson,” said McGrath.

“He felt justified in taking the law into his own hands. He felt justified in punching Mr Davidson to the head. In Mr Coleman’s world view, he was something like the unofficial sheriff of South West Rocks and he determined who was and who was not acceptable for the town.

“I must say I do not doubt many in the local community would have agreed with him. Mr Davidson was more than a pest.

“He was, to Mr Coleman’s knowledge and belief, a serious and repeat abuser of young females. He had physically and emotionally abused a friend of Mr Coleman’s and damaged her property and traumatised her two young children but Mr Coleman took the law into his own hands.

“He was judge and jury of Mr Davidson. Tragically, Mr Coleman also became Mr Davidson’s executioner.”

Grant Coleman has been in custody since the fracas and will be eligible for parole in a year-and-a-half.

Small towns, eh?

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No Nicaragua for clowns.

Blood Feud: Central America explodes after Nicaraguan surf camp refuses SUP enthusiast entry!

By Chas Smith

9 months ago

"I recommend you go to Nosara in Costa Rica."

Once upon a time, surfers were wildly tribal creatures. Each fell into one very specific camp, high performance Merrick shortboard only gang, say, or below the knee Billabong trunks exclusive crew, and would claw any outsider right in the eyeballs. Alas, times have changed with the swelling ranks of illiterate Covid learners and “good vibes’ enthusiasts. Still, the pockets of rage remain, and let us travel, together, to Central America where one spark has ignited a long-simmering blood feud.

Thunderbomb Surf Camp, which calls Nicaragua home, recently receiving a message asking, “hi, I’m looking for a last minute surf trip for my son. He’s 16. We’re both intermediate surfers but I surf on a SUP. We are looking at the first week of April and can be a little flexible on dates. We would prefer not to have to bring our own boards.”

Jonathan, Thunderbomb’s proprietor, neatly responded, “Hi, I’m sure you are a nice guy but sups and or foils are not allowed here. I recommend you go to Nosara in Costa Rica.”

And, thus, all hell broke loose.

Desert Coyote waded in “always enjoyed following you because it was always positive vibes and good feels. Lately it feels like you might have some ego issues going on centered around 🇨🇷. Everything okay?”

And the pile on began. A sampling:

“It’s wild you don’t understand that you’re not just losing sup surfers, you’re also losing regular surfers and customers who don’t want to stay with a clown. And that’s not even the point, I’m sure you’re doing just fine without us and life’s grand, it’s just crazy for ego to be the thing you’re known for.”

“Damn dude. I don’t SUP but the guy is trying to spend time in the ocean with his son. That’s what life is all about, sharing experiences with each other and spending time together. We are all water people enjoying mother ocean no matter what we ride. Same goes with skateboarding. I treat the scooter kids in the skatepark with respect even though scooting is very uncool in my opinion but the big picture is they’re just trying to have fun and shred! Just hoping my perspective helps a bit. Respect”

“Keep sending them over brotha 🫡 more opportunities for our locals, hotels and the whole community. Should Maybe think of opening another resort under a separate name or something, targeting a more broad market. missing opportunities my friend to help grow ur community!”

“Jonathan / AKA king stirrer of the ‘sup’ers aren’t humans’ pot”

“You are usually funny … but my dad is a lawyer and this is discrimination per se”

“This comes across pretty dickish, FYI.”

And the classic “The ocean belongs to everyone!”

Does it, though?

More to the point, will this trouble lead directly to a reprise of 1980s Central America instability?

More, certainly, as the story develops.

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Surfers (pictured) returning from the linguistic front lines.

Decades long linguistic war ends as the Olympics publishes official “surfing terminology and glossary”

By Chas Smith

9 months ago

Skeg heads and fin boys lay down their weapons.

Surfers will gladly fight about anything. Wave height, degree of rotation, if the strand connecting surfboard to ankle is called a “leg rope” or a “leash,” etc. ad infinitum. Fight and charge, attack and parry. The linguistic war, in particular, has been raging since Tom Blake invented the surfboard fin back in 1935, declaring, “Look at his fin.” Woody Brown, nearby, sneered, “That’s no fin. That’s a skeg.”

Corpses line the many etymological battlefields and it was thought that it would be a “forever war.” Thankfully the Olympics, reimagined in 1896 to bring the world together in peace and harmony, has just ended it.

Surfing 101: Olympic terminology and glossary is now, officially, our guide and let us peruse some terms, together, while white doves flutter.

Aerial: Complex small-wave maneuver in which both surfer and board launch into the air off the top of a wave, before dropping back down into the same wave.

Axe/axed: A heavy wipeout, usually involving the wave’s lip impacting directly on a surfer. Also called drilled, pummeled, etc.

Bail/bail out: To abandon or ditch one’s surfboard before getting wiped out by the wave, either paddling out, or while riding the wave.

Carving: A surfing technique in which the surfer creates big, deep turns by sinking much or all of the rail of the surfboard during each turn.

Cutback: A classic surfing move used to change direction when streaking ahead of the curl of a wave with a powerful turn back toward the breaking part of the wave. Cutbacks are an important element in surfing as the maneuver repositions the surfer closer to the power of the wave.

Drop-in: When a surfer initially goes down the face of the wave after catching a wave. Also a term used to describe catching a wave in front of another surfer who is already riding, which is a general breach of surfing etiquette.

Pitted: “Getting pitted” (or “getting barreled”) is when a surfer rides inside the hollow, tunnel-like part of a barrel wave. Also known as tube riding.

Eat beach grit spam!