Huzzah, huzzah!
He ain’t called the GOAT for nothing, friends. Kelly Slater, 56.5 years old, pulled his best retirement prank yet after losing to Griffin Colapinto in Margaret River’s round of 32 yesterday afternoon. After a searing opening wave followed by a sneaky tube, the 11x world champion bowed out to the current number one with a total score of 6.7.
Oh. Sorry. I guess the searing opening wave and sneaky tube came during the elimination round where he snuck through under San Clementine Cole Houshmand’s spray.
The first collaborators in his ruse, or maybe its first victims (like Austria), were the two gentlemen who chaired Slater up the stairs. The second was Stace Galbraith, who interviewed him in front of the Western Australian Tourism Board’s step-and-repeat. The almost two-time father spoke about his performance, how he just couldn’t muster the energy to care, and even stopped, appearing choked up, the end nigh etc.
It was a masterful bit of acting that even had Mick Fanning thoroughly convinced.
“What you did for the sport of surfing is unrivalled,” Australia’s sorta answer to Slater posted on Instagram. “Pushing the limits of what is possible. The dedication to your craft inspired everyone to become better. Thank you for all the memories and battles. It was truly an honour to share heats, surfs and experiences over the years. You taught me what it takes to become a champion in and out of the water. Wishing you all the very best for the future and your new growing family. Love and respect.”
The social media floodgates, then, opened with anyone who has thought about dipping a toe into the brine paying respects and wishing well. Stab Magazine got in on the action with an entire feature illiterately titled “The King is Dead. Long Live the GOAT.”
What is that even supposed to mean?
But more to the point, how did everyone fall so hard?
This is Slater’s twenty-sixth consecutive official time “retiring” though certainly not his last. He will continue to surf on tour exactly how he has surfed on tour for the past five years i.e. showing up for the events he enjoys, skipping those he doesn’t. The only difference now is that he won’t feel the need to make excuses except old habits die hard and he will continue to make excuses.
To that I say huzzah. None of us are, let’s be honest, ready to see Slater off into the sunset. We need him more than ever… oh that’s not true. He needs us more than ever what with fatherhood staring down the barrel at him for the second time.
And doesn’t it feel good to be wanted even if only as an excuse not to change diapers?
Huzzah, huzzah.
bitter bitter. kelly is awesome. I have no idea who you are or what you have done.
“Kelly Slater, 56.5 years old” Ummm, not
I retire every night
To the boudoir
Kelly is soooo excited to be a dad. He cant wait!
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Classic!
Now my 12th comment will guarantee him a 12th title. Aloha
Question is now what will Chas write about ?
Kelly still has a few wins in him, he’s not done and the WSL needs him like a baby needs its mother.
If BG is any indication, plenty of people are ready to see Slater off into the sunset and have been for years. Some are even willing to point out the route.
Yep, the vast majority of surf fraternity that dwells on beachgrit. Pleeenty of people……so many to name.
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
I sort of assumed they’d just give him a “rest of the year” wildcard like they did last year. It’s gonna be weird to see him gone, like gone gone
He’ll surf Pipe, Tahiti, Fiji (when its on tour) and his pool (when it comes back) for at least 10 more years.
*ten more tears.
Like a day drinking binge that started early but now you’ve stayed on a little too long, wearing your sunglasses at the bar at night.
The binge that started at 5:06 PM Friday and is still going strong Monday morning when you call in.