The Greatest Surf Movie In The Universe Review: A New Gold Standard In Cinematic Weener Fights

Trigger warning: if you are weener adverse, then perhaps this article is not for you.

I have seen The Greatest Surf Movie In The Universe (hereinafter “TGSMITU”), alone, and in a completely empty theater (though I’m still planning on the La Paloma screening this Saturday evening and giving out free hugs).

Lest that description sound a little Paul Reubens, the circumcises…ahem…circumstances, of my decision to see this movie by myself must placed within their context before I penetrate into the substance of my review. Trigger warning: if you are weener adverse, then perhaps this article is not for you.

I got out of the water this morning after a rather shit surf and was approached by an alarmingly strung-out Pier Bowl vagrant whilst I was the middle of changing with only a towel around my waist. This gentleman presented me with a half-eaten bag of beef jerky, told me that he’d bought the whole thing for $12, but that he’d sell it to me for $5.

Having no desire for fentanyl-laced jerky or to part with $5 USD (that’s like, $30 AUS for you bogans), I replied that I had no cash on me and prepared for the possibility that I’d either need to retreat or defend myself with my weener flopping about in the event my response would make this guy snap (my plan was to throw the towel at his head in that event). His eyes narrowed menacingly, he took one small, aggressive step in my direction, feigned a laugh, and moved on.

In light of my near-run brush with naked combat, and given my weekend plans to see movie that prominently features weeners (i.e., TGSMITU), it occurred to me that there have been some pretty epic weener fights in cinema history. The viking movie The Northman comes to mind as the most recent example of this, though I was disappointed to learn that Alexander Skarsgard’s hog was never actually filmed and said appendage was added in post with CGI (I would absolutely put “weener CGI” as a skill on my resume were I part of that special effects team). Eastern Promises is a film where Viggo Mortensen (a.k.a. Aragorn) fights naked in a shower with a very real, non-CGI weener on prominent display. In the comedy department, Ken Jeong’s modest package features rather immodestly in a fight scene in The Hangover.

Having seen TGSMITU, however, I can decidedly say that this film has upped the ante in the cinematic weener combat department to unprecedented levels. More on that later.

Back to my morning, though I had already made plans to see TGSMITU in Encinitas the following evening, I couldn’t help but weener…ahem…wonder, how much of a USA-based distribution this film actually has. To my surprise, not only was TGSMITU screening at the AMC Theaters at the Block in Orange, the first show was started at 10:10 a.m. in roughly an hour. This was not an opportunity to be missed.

Though I expected the theater to be packed with dozens of passionate Brazilian surf fans, I found myself the only patron in the entire theater. That being said, there is (spoiler alert) not a single Brazzo featured in TGSMITU. It is therefore little wonder why they did not show up despite commanding the Californian numbers to constitute half of the fans present at every WSL Lowers Finals Day since that dumb format was established. Pedro Scooby and/or Ricardo Toledo clearly had a hand in this boycott.

And though I was utterly alone watching a surf movie like some miserable, lonely hermit, I enjoyed TGSMITU immensely. The stop motion animation came across far better than expected. The voice acting of the surfers was decidedly sharp and edited smartly to great comedic effect. Above all, there was only about 10 minutes of actual surfing in the film, which made me realize something about a full-length surf movie lasting over an hour—an endless string of clips gets really boring really quickly.

Perhaps TGSMITU’s crowning achievement, though, is the weener fight at the climax of the movie. In this instance, it is not merely stop motion animation of naked dolls fighting each other—the weeners themselves are the weapons. The fight choreography in that regard is also martially sound were one to assume that a weener could be implemented as a weapon of self-defense. There are weener thrusts, weener slashes, and weener parries that might otherwise be mistaken for a machete fight. And though most real weeners would obviously be incapable of such violence, it has made me seriously consider obtaining a sturdy dildo for home defense purposes.

The Hobbit Hemsworth is also delightful as the narrator, clearly having fun with his deadpan delivery. Even the otherwise annoying voice of Joe Turpel is used deftly within the comedic framework. Truth be told, I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard sitting all by myself since watching breakdancing in the Olympics last week.

Is this a movie that a non-surfer would find funny or even come close to understanding? Certainly not. Is this a movie that a casual surfer unfamiliar with the WSL and the world of professional surfing would appreciate? Not really. But would your average, below-the line BeachGrit denizen enjoy this movie? Absolutely.

Above all, TGSMITU is a surf movie that practically demands to be seen in a theater, whether you are sitting there by yourself, or within a packed theater with grown men insisting on giving out free hugs.

Either way, just don’t expect the Brazzos to show up.