Kick rocks, Caity Simmers.
Shockwaves, this morning, through publishing as Surfer Magazine has returned to print with the bold declaration that surfing, today, is most wholly represented by a 53-year-old white man. The “Sport of Kings” is oft criticized for being retrograde and cloistered, though a shift toward progression is certainly underway. The women’s wild learning curve at waves like Pipeline and Teahupoo, for example, names like Caity Simmers and Vahine Fierro etched into history.
Or Morocco’s Ramzi Boukhaim flashing brave brilliance and earning worldwide respect. Maybe Australia’s Sasha Jane Lowerson cross-stepping right into the now.
Etc.
But no, the AI-enhanced editor-in-chief “Jake Howard,” crunched data and determined that the best visual representation of what surfing is, at this historical moment, is Kelly Slater.
Surfer, you will recall, died a miserable death at the hands of the National Enquirer’s David Pecker some handful of years back. Its corpse dumped in a shallow pit. Grave robbers calling themselves “The Arena Group” came under shadow of darkness, scooped the bones into a wheelbarrow, hustled back to a murky office building and re-animated the rot with AI. Soon, “Emily Morgan” was “writing” about Surf Lakes from Tennessee’s Smoky Mountains.
After getting in big trouble for dressing bots as people, Surfer hired the aforementioned overlord, “Howard,” who almost presents as a real boy, and then announced it would return to print.
The question “What is surfing today?” hovering in the upper lefthand corner of the first Arena Group issue cover answered by the 55-year-old Slater crouching in tube then gracing readers with a lengthy interview where he lets slip “The sporting side of surfing is just a small aspect for the average person, if at all. You have 20 million people around the world surfing, maybe tens of millions more than that, and the sporting side is non-existent for almost every one of those people.”
Korbel bottles popping, cigars lit in Surfer’s various home offices, toasting bold vision and wild trend forecasting.
Welcome to the bleeding edge.
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With all the great young talent out there today, why SURFER why!!!!!!!! No HamSammish!!!!!
I saw someone wearing a Gath and dragging their board by the nose (because their arms weren’t long enough to go round the board) waddle towards 1/2 foot surf at Bar Beach on Saturday. Bless.
TBH I probs wouldn’t look much cooler these days.
That would be a lost opportunity to finally use all those unsold crying Jordy air fresheners
Comming down !
Why Kelly, a 53 year-old white man, on the cover of the first issue of the resurrected SURFER Magazine?
As a surfer he is hardly contemporary, his best years are long behind him.
As a demographic however, boomers are much more appealing to a publisher than Gen X or Gen Z – boomers have more people with more time and more money to buy the advertised products.
If another showing of “Five Summer Stories”, a FIFTY year-old surf movie, can sell out in Southern California (as it did) then nostalgia sells – everyone in California seems to think life was much better in the 1970’s than it is now and SURFER is riding the nostalgia trend.
“The sporting side of surfing is just a small aspect for the average person, if at all. You have 20 million people around the world surfing, maybe tens of millions more than that, and the sporting side is non-existent for almost every one of those people.”
Umm, if any pro surfer sponsored by billabong, Quiksilver, Hurley, etc.—would’ve said that prior to about 10 years ago, pretty sure they would’ve got dropped from the payroll pretty quick.
Didn’t Curren get dropped just for riding a stickerless board.
But when your best buds with a billionaire, and he doesn’t care about profits— I guess you can say just about anything.
PS
Thanks KS for letting us know what we already kind of knew, that most people don’t care about pro-surfing
Check out Tracks Magazine for grassroots surfing as well as progression.
I was a surfer subscriber only for them to shut up shop. The last issue said “we are all in this together” on the cover and didn’t even show a breaking wave. What an inglorious way to go. They gave me the remaining issues of “men’s health” or something, only to shut that down too.
I support the surf mags but I feel this is just a one off so that egghead can say he was on the last ever cover of surfer. If that’s the case, and he’s behind it, he’s an even bigger fuckhead than I thought.
Also, Jake Howard is a real person and if Chas got offered the editorship of Surfer he’d jump at it.
I just cannot wait to see how old Kelly slater will be next week
SURFER gonna be a huge hit in 55+ Communities.
Free SURFER mags for every lifestyle village resident.
That’s actually a sick cover shot. He’s like a tightly coiled spring about to release.
I think that’s what they say about some mental-patients also.
like a little rattlesnake. boing
exactly…his eyes fixed on that blemish in the lip coming down that’s going to chandelier. It says a lot, that photo.
Thought so too . he’s had such a sick read on wave physics over his career. I’ve gotta give him that
p.s. Belly sucks balls
I’d laugh, but I’m a bald white guy who does calisthenics 3 times a week but still struggles to squeeze into a medium wettie because he can’t admit he’s actually a large.
Sizing up to a L from a MT was one of the best things I’ve done. Saves the need for help getting an arm out of the 5/4 in winter 😜
Yeah to be honest i’m transitioning all my suits to LS. Mind boggling how much more comfortable I am.
🙏🏼
Still rocking those buttery XCELS?
Currently rolling a C-skins 5/4. Budget didn’t quite stretch to a Xcel but enjoying the upperbody flexibility of the C-skins!
If you can still get out of a chest zip all by yourself you’re winning bru!
I refuse to buy a wettie, thus eliminating the problem.
Or prescented
“Surfer Mag. Its corpse dumped in a shallow pit. Grave robbers calling themselves “The Arena Group” came under shadow of darkness, scooped the bones into a wheelbarrow, hustled back to a murky office building and re-animated the rot with AI.”
Classic, Chas—You really won’t find any other surf writing like that anywhere.
While you’re at it—any choice words for the Inertia sell-outs?— They have to be AI creations right?
No living person could really seriously be as lame as them?
Have to maybe be AI generated, logical assumption.
That would explain a lot.
It seems surfing is represented by a pitiful shell of what it used to be.
I can’t remember seeing anyone under 18 in the Swami’s parking lot for the last year, or longer.
True, Seriously.
There’s a very good reason Ke11y is on that cover.
The traditional way.
He paid them for it, with money.
Just like it was always done…
or Jake just being a little kiss ass worm trying to suck up to Kelly to get him to name his kid “Jake” or “Howard”.
Surfing today is pretty much always the best thing I did all day
Almost thought I was reading Death metal lyrics up there…
“Welcome to the bleeding edge” as Alice Cooper takes over publishing.
As a white male, a few years older than Kelly, I don’t see him as surfing other than in the past tense. I see that Toledo guy, Medina, Marks, Simmers alomg with other surfers including Sasha Jane.
BUT I do see Kelly’s name on the overpriced clothing in the Outerknown catalogs that hit my mailbox. Yes, he has done a solid job of branding himself on overpriced and outlandish projects that ignore woke principles around silly things like women’s rights…Abu Dhabi here we come!