“The theft that the priority judge did to us in the Olympics was evident."

Peru citizens are preparing for a barrage of death threats and poop emojis after the country’s surfing association declared it was filing a formal claim on behalf of Olympic 4th place finisher Alonso Correa who thrilled the world with his Teahupoo gallantry. The issue at hand is an apparent priority issue during Correa’s heat with Brazilian hunk Gabriel Medina.

“The theft that the priority judge did to us in the Olympics was evident,” President of the Federacaion Peru Team, Jaime Gensollen told Peru’s Radio Ovacion. “After both of them ride a wave and return to the point where the wave forms again, the two paddle together but the one who arrives first has the first priority to catch the wave that comes next, exactly that wave was taken by (Gabriel) Medina, However, the one who arrived first was Alonso Correa, so he had priority.”

“In this case Gabriel Medina executes (the wave) and is where he scores more than seven points,” he continued, “when said wave belonged to Alonso Correa. The trip technicians just arrived yesterday, we are going to evaluate with the legal part, since we seek to present the claim as soon as possible, we want them to rectify what was given.”

Brazilian surf fans, known for their passionate love of country will certainly be invading Peruvian Instagram accounts extremely soon, possibly led by the patriarch of House Toledo (7/29 – 7/30) himself.

Ricardo Toledo, valiant social media warrior, father of Filipe the Lionheart, became infuriated at the insinuation that Brazil’s sharks liked cocaine. How much more rage-filled will he get with this provocation?

But do you imagine the Costeños will be able to rebuff? Possibly conjuring the great hero Simon Bolivar (pictured above) to beat back their Portuguese neighbors to the southeast?

Tense days.

Candles at the ready, please.

"Alright, so these Olympic medals look great when they are brand new..."

One of the stars of these almost finished 2024 Paris Olympics is, of course, Gabriel Medina. The Brazilian starred in the viral “image of the Games,” put on an absolute show during Teahupoo’s day of days and wound up bringing the bronze medal home.

And herein lies our current trouble.

Bronze, in Olympic street skateboarding, was won by Nyjah Huston. Initially, the 29-year-old seemed very thrilled with his third place finish but later went on a lengthy Instagram sonnet about how sad it made him feel and how it was difficult to keep moving. “Damn the past couple days has been tough, ” the most decorated Street League skater shared, “Since I got home it’s taking everything in me to get out of bed and start living again.”

Huston, of course, wanted to be first though didn’t have what it took to pass Japan’s Yuto Horigome or Arizona’s Jagger Eaton who both smashed him fair and square.

The latest drama, now unspooling, is over the actual, not metaphysical, quality of his best of the worst bauble.

“Alright, so these Olympic medals look great when they are brand new,” the car enthusiast opened in a new sad social story, “but after letting it sit on my skin with some sweat for a little bit and then letting my friends wear it over the weekend, they are apparently not as high quality as you would think.”

He proceeded to flash the medal around, continuing, “I mean look at that thing, it’s looking rough. Even the front is starting to chip off a little. So I don’t know … Olympic medals, you gotta maybe step up the quality a little bit.”

While the Paris Olympic organizers vowed to replace his bronze, surf fans became extremely worried about Medina’s trophy as he, too, has many friends and also operates by the sea where oxidation is known to occur bigly.

Though the three-time champ has not mentioned on his feeds, maybe light a candle ensuring it’s holding up?

Thank you for your service.

What is the definition of surfing?

This modern epoch is marked by much debate surrounding what was heretofore deemed simple truth. Namely, what does anything mean anymore? The very idea of “man” and “woman,” for example, thrown right up in the air. Saying, or writing, anything definitive about sex, gender or conflating the two now an absolute minefield. The popular podcaster Joe Rogan discussed during his recent comedy special “Burn the Boats,” opening with, “I just want to be real clear. I believe in trans people. Because I think the world is strange and nature is strange, and nature can throw you a curveball and you believe you’re in the wrong body. And I fully support your right as an adult to do whatever you want that makes you happy. I believe in freedom, and I believe in love. But I also believe in crazy people.”

He continued, opining that it seems as if a “pervert wizard” waved a magic wand over the whole world and to be anything but entirely supportive of the new ways is to be branded a national socialist.

Confusing days, certainly, and now bleeding into our tiny cultural sliver.

The same “pervert wizard,” you see, has also waved his wand over the once-venerable Surfer Magazine throwing its readership into turmoil. Now, it has long been assumed that the definition of surfing includes standing upright whilst riding a wave. Certainly there are other ways to slide including goat boating, bodyboarding, bodysurfing, etc. but these are all unique and decidedly not surfing.

All unique and decidedly not surfing, that is, until yesterday when the disgraced “Bible of the Sport” openly wondered, “Do You Really Have To Standup To Surf?”

Author Justin Houseman described his journey into kneeboarding before upending the very definition of surfing, sneering, “It’s interesting that for as much as surf culture has tried to claim a kind of supreme individualism, and a don’t-tell-me-what-to-do vibe, it’s long held a kind of dictatorial surveillance over what people ride. For decades, it was shortboards and only shortboards. Then, logs had a resurgence, then fish, now mid-lengths and asyms, but still, one must rise to their feet to be a proper surfer.”

He went on to dream of a day when all forms of wave sliding could be considered “surfing.” The aforementioned readership scratching proverbial head, not daring question for fear of being branded intolerant.

Preparing for the chubby nephew who enjoys bobbing in the shorebreak on an inflatable frog to enter the room and declare himself a surfer.

Topsy turvy times.