South America braces for unrest after Peru signals intent to strip Olympic surfing bronze from Brazil’s Gabriel Medina

“The theft that the priority judge did to us in the Olympics was evident."

Peru citizens are preparing for a barrage of death threats and poop emojis after the country’s surfing association declared it was filing a formal claim on behalf of Olympic 4th place finisher Alonso Correa who thrilled the world with his Teahupoo gallantry. The issue at hand is an apparent priority issue during Correa’s heat with Brazilian hunk Gabriel Medina.

“The theft that the priority judge did to us in the Olympics was evident,” President of the Federacaion Peru Team, Jaime Gensollen told Peru’s Radio Ovacion. After both of them ride a wave and return to the point where the wave forms again, the two paddle together but the one who arrives first has the first priority to catch the wave that comes next, exactly that wave was taken by (Gabriel) Medina, However, the one who arrived first was Alonso Correa, so he had priority.”

“In this case Gabriel Medina executes (the wave) and is where he scores more than seven points,” he continued, “when said wave belonged to Alonso Correa. The trip technicians just arrived yesterday, we are going to evaluate with the legal part, since we seek to present the claim as soon as possible, we want them to rectify what was given.”

Brazilian surf fans, known for their passionate love of country will certainly be invading Peruvian Instagram accounts extremely soon, possibly led by the patriarch of House Toledo (7/29 – 7/30) himself.

Ricardo Toledo, valiant social media warrior, father of Filipe the Lionheart, became infuriated at the insinuation that Brazil’s sharks liked cocaine. How much more rage-filled will he get with this provocation?

But do you imagine the Costeños will be able to rebuff? Possibly conjuring the great hero Simon Bolivar (pictured above) to beat back their Portuguese neighbors to the southeast?

Tense days.

Candles at the ready, please.