“Pervert wizard” waves magic wand over Surfer Mag leaving readers shocked and confused

What is the definition of surfing?

This modern epoch is marked by much debate surrounding what was heretofore deemed simple truth. Namely, what does anything mean anymore? The very idea of “man” and “woman,” for example, thrown right up in the air. Saying, or writing, anything definitive about sex, gender or conflating the two now an absolute minefield. The popular podcaster Joe Rogan discussed during his recent comedy special “Burn the Boats,” opening with, “I just want to be real clear. I believe in trans people. Because I think the world is strange and nature is strange, and nature can throw you a curveball and you believe you’re in the wrong body. And I fully support your right as an adult to do whatever you want that makes you happy. I believe in freedom, and I believe in love. But I also believe in crazy people.”

He continued, opining that it seems as if a “pervert wizard” waved a magic wand over the whole world and to be anything but entirely supportive of the new ways is to be branded a national socialist.

Confusing days, certainly, and now bleeding into our tiny cultural sliver.

The same “pervert wizard,” you see, has also waved his wand over the once-venerable Surfer Magazine throwing its readership into turmoil. Now, it has long been assumed that the definition of surfing includes standing upright whilst riding a wave. Certainly there are other ways to slide including goat boating, bodyboarding, bodysurfing, etc. but these are all unique and decidedly not surfing.

All unique and decidedly not surfing, that is, until yesterday when the disgraced “Bible of the Sport” openly wondered, “Do You Really Have To Standup To Surf?”

Author Justin Houseman described his journey into kneeboarding before upending the very definition of surfing, sneering, “It’s interesting that for as much as surf culture has tried to claim a kind of supreme individualism, and a don’t-tell-me-what-to-do vibe, it’s long held a kind of dictatorial surveillance over what people ride. For decades, it was shortboards and only shortboards. Then, logs had a resurgence, then fish, now mid-lengths and asyms, but still, one must rise to their feet to be a proper surfer.”

He went on to dream of a day when all forms of wave sliding could be considered “surfing.” The aforementioned readership scratching proverbial head, not daring question for fear of being branded intolerant.

Preparing for the chubby nephew who enjoys bobbing in the shorebreak on an inflatable frog to enter the room and declare himself a surfer.

Topsy turvy times.