Leonardo DiCaprio (pictured) surfing.
Leonardo DiCaprio (pictured) surfing.

“Pervert wizard” waves magic wand over Surfer Mag leaving readers shocked and confused

What is the definition of surfing?

This modern epoch is marked by much debate surrounding what was heretofore deemed simple truth. Namely, what does anything mean anymore? The very idea of “man” and “woman,” for example, thrown right up in the air. Saying, or writing, anything definitive about sex, gender or conflating the two now an absolute minefield. The popular podcaster Joe Rogan discussed during his recent comedy special “Burn the Boats,” opening with, “I just want to be real clear. I believe in trans people. Because I think the world is strange and nature is strange, and nature can throw you a curveball and you believe you’re in the wrong body. And I fully support your right as an adult to do whatever you want that makes you happy. I believe in freedom, and I believe in love. But I also believe in crazy people.”

He continued, opining that it seems as if a “pervert wizard” waved a magic wand over the whole world and to be anything but entirely supportive of the new ways is to be branded a national socialist.

Confusing days, certainly, and now bleeding into our tiny cultural sliver.

The same “pervert wizard,” you see, has also waved his wand over the once-venerable Surfer Magazine throwing its readership into turmoil. Now, it has long been assumed that the definition of surfing includes standing upright whilst riding a wave. Certainly there are other ways to slide including goat boating, bodyboarding, bodysurfing, etc. but these are all unique and decidedly not surfing.

All unique and decidedly not surfing, that is, until yesterday when the disgraced “Bible of the Sport” openly wondered, “Do You Really Have To Standup To Surf?

Author Justin Houseman described his journey into kneeboarding before upending the very definition of surfing, sneering, “It’s interesting that for as much as surf culture has tried to claim a kind of supreme individualism, and a don’t-tell-me-what-to-do vibe, it’s long held a kind of dictatorial surveillance over what people ride. For decades, it was shortboards and only shortboards. Then, logs had a resurgence, then fish, now mid-lengths and asyms, but still, one must rise to their feet to be a proper surfer.”

He went on to dream of a day when all forms of wave sliding could be considered “surfing.” The aforementioned readership scratching proverbial head, not daring question for fear of being branded intolerant.

Preparing for the chubby nephew who enjoys bobbing in the shorebreak on an inflatable frog to enter the room and declare himself a surfer.

Topsy turvy times.

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ESPN compares Gabriel Medina's iconic Olympic shot to nondescript photo of Steph Curry celebrating after beating Serbia.
ESPN compares Gabriel Medina's iconic Olympic shot to nondescript photo of Steph Curry celebrating after beating Serbia.

Sports fans revolt after ham-fisted attempt by ESPN to link Steph Curry photo to iconic Gabriel Medina Tahiti shot

"Can't even compare it. Medina had just left a gigantic wave...Curry was just jumping like a baby girl…"

The world’s sports fans have united across colour, race and ethnic stamping to protest a ham-fisted attempt by ESPN to tie a nondescript photo of basketballer Steph Curry with the now-iconic photograph of Gabriel Medina’s flying kickout. 

“Brazilian surfer Gabriel Medina earned the highest single wave score in Olympics history with a 9.90 in the fifth heat Monday en route to advancing to the men’s surfing quarterfinal and a photographer tracking him produced one of the most iconic photos from the Paris Games,” wrote the NY Times.

A quick aside: not everyone was quick to call the Medina shot iconic. The long-time Tahiti-based photographer Tim McKenna said, and with more than a little contempt, “It’s typical mainstream media that loves the worst manoeuvre in surfing.” 

“Ok, a lifetime’s worth of kickout shots in a single day. Now please make it stop,” wrote the former photo editor of now-defunct Surfing magazine, Jimmy Wilson.

ESPN, which is owned by Disney, ran a photo of Steph Curry, who singlehandedly saved Team USA from an ignominious defeat by Serbia last night, alongside Medina with the caption, “This photo looked familiar.” 

 

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And here, the sports fanss teed off. 

No it doesn’t

can’t even compare it. Medina had just left a gigantic wave…Curry was just jumping like a baby girl 

Nope, not even close with the Medina’s one. Dont force the friendship…

Nah, it’s not even close, brazillian photo got 1000x more aura

That curry pic is no where near the level of that Brazilian surfer

Lol not even close to the same

ESPN is crazy Can Medina do what Curry is doing in his picture? Yes. Can Curry do what Medina is doing in his picture? HELL NO

ESPN has been no stranger to controversy over the years, stirring the pot with everything from employee spats to political commentary. One incident involved Sage Steele, a popular “SportsCenter” anchor, who left the network after settling a lawsuit over her controversial comments about vaccine mandates, female sports reporters, and former President Barack Obama’s racial identity. Her departure followed a series of events that began with her being taken off the air in 2021 after making these remarks.

Another controversy arose when ESPN reporter Rachel Nichols was removed from the NBA Finals coverage after her private phone conversation leaked. In the conversation, she suggested that Maria Taylor, a Black colleague, was given a job due to her race, sparking a media frenzy and leading to her removal from the network’s NBA Finals coverage.

Heady days.

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Joey Buran at Pipe and new book, Beyond the Dream.
"I was out on the days when few people even bothered cause they thought it wasn't worth it. Those big, closeout north swell days. I didn't care. I was out there. I remember one day like that. Tommy Carroll came up to me on the beach and said, 'Man, your crazy.' But I didn't care. I wanted to be out there."

California’s one-time King of Pipeline Joey Buran releases lightly evangelical tell-all bio!

"Be cool. Take care of your brother. Drop the localism scene, expand! After all, when it all boils down, surfing is supposed to be fun. That's it.”

Anyone out there remember Joey Buran? The California Kid bounced along a wave face like a Mexican jumping bean on betel nut. He owned a tube threading form that was not to be trifled with.

Joey is an ’84 Pipe Master – one of only two Californians to wear that badge, Machado being the other. He is also a Former world number seven, ranked ahead of Curren in 1983.

Joey’s book Beyond the Dream will come to the public in early September.

It is equal parts raw confession, ambition and distress, all told from a Peter Pan and Mad Magazine perspective. There is a benign simplicity resonating in Joey’s memoir. He makes little distinction between reader and author, no underlined declaration that he held the Pipe trophy and you didn’t, like we could lift the cup ourselves if we put as much industry into our surf as he did.

There are gems embedded within the pulp of his pages, like the day he won Pipeline.

He spent a short lifetime determined and obsessing over the win. The day off had a stacked field of surfing gods in the water, Carroll (Tom, not Nick), Occy, Derek Ho and Rabbit Bartholomew all in the final. Few gave Joey a chance in hell to win.

The sky was an ominous grey with north angled close-out sets and liquid guillotines decapitating masters. Joey’s patience and experience found the fickle west angled smaller insiders. He was as surprised as the others when the final scores were cast over the beach speakers. He describes his jubilation and sense of accomplishment.

But he also depicts feelings of emptiness and listlessness as he held his trophy for just minutes to then be faced with a “now what” moment.

In a Beowulf Grendel’s mom revenge scene, he recounts the day he went to cash his check for winning the ’78 Cali pro only to have that $3k bounce. The sponsor of the event absconded with the cash. Joey’s mama hunted the guy down and made him pay her baby boy in shameful instalments.

He tells how he started and ran the Professional Surfing Association of America. This was the country’s first domestic pro tour, something he considered his first failure because he could not get the cooperate sponsorship he wanted. Running the tour led to “an emotional breakdown”, leaving Joey alone in his dreary, low-lit studio apartment on the outskirts of LA.

One night, sitting there in solitude, he washed down an entire bottle of Tylenol with a handle of alcohol, his first and last suicide attempt. His sister visited him the hospital, mentioning that he might want to meet her at church when he got better.

He did.

And the rest, as they say on BeachGrit, is history. Joey now inspires others through his teachings of Jay-Z Christ.

Wanting to know more and seeking the finer details, I spoke to Joey over the telephone from a fifth0floor apartment on the Upper West Side while he was in Carlsbad preparing for a late Saturday sermon.

His voice is engaging and palpable.

Hoping to connect with our mutual Catholic faith, I’m quickly denied when the cock crows three times. Joey surmises his reason for defection from the old Romans: “It felt like Jesus was unattainable in a stained glass window.”

We talk about the day at Pipeline.

“OK, so, you know in NYC how you have those basketball courts where the real ballers play, the semi-pros? The guys who got injured or messed up their scholarships? (the ones with spectators crowded tightly around the fence, fingers poking and gripping though holes). You don’t just GO to that court and start playing. You gotta EARN that court. You gotta ball in those obscure courts. The ones with pieces of broken beer bottles and rims with no nets. With guys who throw elbows for no reason. THEN you get to graduate, after you put your time in……. Well, that’s what Pipeline is like.

“I was out on the days when few people even bothered cause they thought it wasn’t worth it. Those big, closeout north swell days. I didn’t care. I was out there. I remember one day like that. Tommy Carroll came up to me on the beach and said, ‘Man, your crazy.’ But I didn’t care. I wanted to be out there. I wanted to win that event no matter what. After all that time in the water on those bad days, I felt like I had a cheat code, like I knew things they didn’t. And I ended up knowing that wave. And it helped me win the contest that day.”

After reading the book it feels like it was more than ability that got him through.

“Yeah I had ability, as much as the next guy. But it was more grit, unadulterated determination and laser focus. And if I was out there with you, you better bring it.”

We talk about his decision to leave surf and his transition toward serving JC.

“Ya know, in surfing, I was always looking for validation, a trophy, a contest win, a ranking. And when you achieved it, it was onto the next one. Always chasing. I recently started taking Spanish lessons. I got my certificate. But you never stop learning Spanish. That is what its like serving Christ. You never stop. And you fail and succeed every day. But you continue to try and strive and better with the failures and succeeding. I try to inspire people everyday to be better through Christ. That is what I am trying to do with the book.”

He tells me.

“I went to my wife the other day. I asked her, ‘Can I wash your feet the way Jesus washed his disciples feet? Her answer: ‘Why don’t you try washing the dishes first.”

And, this, from an old interview with Fred Van Dyke, instructive, I think, of the sorta cat Joey Buran is.

“Be cool. Take care of your brother. Drop the localism scene, expand! After all, when it all boils down, surfing is supposed to be fun. That’s it.”

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Aussie surf locals attempt to muzzle Jewish-Hawaiian champ Koa Rothman in game of ironic localism

"Some people's logic is so backwards. Everyone knows where that wave is and they want to single me out."

It’s no secret Koa Rothman, the middle son of North Shore enforcer Fast Eddie Rothman and brother to big-wave world champion Makua, feels coldly towards BeachGrit, his feelings laid bare on the Bert Kreischer show. 

“They suck, they suck,” Rothamn told the Floridian funnyman.

At our end, however we regard the popular YouTuber whose golden-brown glazed handsomeness will stop any man in his tracks, as one of the greats of the sport. 

His courage and pugnacity count him a a man of sound ethics. 

You’ll remember five  years ago when he sent a message to the world just prior to the opening of the Hawaiian season letting visitors know he’d be enjoying any wave he damn well wanted at Pipe and, therefore, not to take any drop-ins personally.

“This year, this winter here in Hawaii, 2020, 2021, I will be going on whatever wave I want at Pipeline,” he said. “No hard feelings. I’m not trying to be a dick. I’m just letting you know now that is what is going to be happening. So have a great day and watch out.”

Now, Aussie locals have attempted to muzzle Koa Rothman during a recent holiday down under. After surfing a popular big-wave near Manly called Deadmans, Rothman returned to his car to find a sign warning him to not film for his YouTube channel.

Aussie surfers play game of ironic localism with king of Pipeline, Koa Rothman.
Aussie surfers play game of ironic localism with king of Pipeline, Koa Rothman.

 

In a follow-up video, this time Koa Rothman is welcomed with open arms by Ours kingpins Wayne Cleveland Jessie Polock although one Ours surfer laments his recent episode at Super Suck, Rothman addresses his critics with a disarming logic.

“Some people’s logic is just so backwards,” he says. “(At Deadmans) there’s 100 cameras there, Channel 9 news is there, their local station, drones are everywhere. Clips are all over Instagram. Everyone knows where that wave is and they want to single me out.”

As for the Super Suck critic, who felt Koa revealed a tightly held secret to the world Koa correctly pointed out, “I surfed with 100 people and 80 cameras.”

Watch the full ep here.

Lightly essential.

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Sam George (right) and Upper Trestles. Photo: 40-year-old Virgin.
Sam George (right) and Upper Trestles. Photo: 40-year-old Virgin.

Surf guru mortifies readers with tale of wanton abstinence

"It got to the point where I almost didn’t recognize my own reflection in the bathroom mirror..."

Surf guru Sam George and The Inertia is the happiest pairing since green eggs and ham. The silver hair’d kahuna having a place to share his all-important insights. The David Lynch-esque surf website positively glowing from the power of unfettered wisdom. It is a beautiful thing and, so, you can understand the mortification readers had today when they learned that George had once gone 14 days without surfing.

“As a younger man, I once went 14 days without surfing,” the master began. “Having just returned home from a trip to Puerto Rico, where I enjoyed a fine run of swell, glorious mid-winter weather and a full dose of spicy Caribbean culture, I found myself decidedly uninterested in suiting up for a session in three-foot, chilly Upper Trestles crumblers.”

George went on to recount how the days passed, his board unwaxed even though he was the editor of a surf magazine and had ocean views from his home, him not recognizing his reflection in the mirror anymore. Then, on the 14th night of not surfing, 11:30 pm to be exact, he wondered if he was even a surfer anymore. The thought troubled him so much that pulled on his wetsuit and peddled on his bike to Uppers wherein he surfed under a pale moonlight.

Readers finally able to breathe again but a plurality was left unsettled as to how a man as exceptional, talented, skilled… as perfect as Sam George could go 14 days without surfing.

14 days.

Even though he had everything.

The most enviable job in the world, an oceanfront home, a face impossibly handsome, style, hair, one earring.

Nia Peeples.

If surfing’s Grand Poobah could go 14 days without surfing what does that mean for the muck like you, like me?

Us dirty plebes?

A haunting notion.

Dare I ask how long you’ve gone without surfing?

We’ll be here for each other.

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