Let’s play a little game. See if you can pick out the real Inertia headlines from the ones I’ve made up. 

WSL apologists. VAL enthusiasts. Branded content partners. Our pals over at The Inertia have long been known to cater to the most basic of demographics with their HuffPost-esque surf puff pieces. 

They’re obviously resonating with an audience. Somewhere. Somehow.

And that’s fine. Good for them. Go for gold.

But have you browsed The Inertia website of late? Probably not.

Between BeachGrit and Brietbart I’d be surprised if you had time left to polish your gun rack, let alone imbibe the sixth most successful online surf journal’s offerings.

I have, though. And fuck me it is wild.

If you can get past the UX that is buggier and more ad-laden than a late ‘90s Geocities site, a quick dig into The Inertia archives reveals titles –  and stories – that appear to have gone from surf-adjacent to straight-out surrealist. Bros and Bro-ettes pumping out page after page of incessant outdoor enthusiast dross that turns into performance art the deeper you get. (Not like our BeachGrit!)

The saccharine sweet animal videos. The naughty naughty admonishment of eco-negative behaviours. The Nonsensical Use of Capitalized Letters. It’s all there. But I swear, when viewed as a whole, the body of work takes on an almost David Lynch like absurdist quality.

Are these cunts at The Inertia messing with us? I don’t know. But it sure is entertaining.

So, let’s play a little game. See if you can pick out the real Inertia headlines from the ones I’ve made up. 

The winner gets, oh I don’t know. A beaver fur wetsuit*.

1. C-Monsta Will Help You Level Up Your Wetsuit Drying Game
2. Opinion: It Doesn’t Matter If the CEO of the WSL Surfs or Not
3. San Diego Man Creates Surf-Skateboard With Inbuilt Water Spray
4. Your Keep Cup Is Probably Not Recycled and That Is Problematic
5. Our Favourite Hammocks for Hanging at the Beach
6. Tips on Reversing Your Negativity Bias
7. Filipe Toledo’s Dominance Shows That Teahupo’o and Pipeline Really Don’t Matter Anymore
8. The Most Eco-Friendly Moustache Waxes of 2023
9. The Best Wing Foil Gear for Beginners
10. Robotic Dolphins and Flying Water Cars Are Insane
11. When The Olympics Begins at Teahupo’o, Shouldn’t Surfers Be Able to Pronounce Its Name?
12. The GetBaked Hydro Tee is our Favorite Technical Aquatic Activity Shirt of 2024
13. So You Want to Start Jet Boarding? Here’s 3 Tips to Keep you High and Dry
14. It’s Fall Again! Here’s 5 Of Our Favourite Hacky Sacks For the Ultimate In Campfire Fun
15. Dear Van Lifers: Please Stop Pooping In My Car Park
16. This Four Hour Patagonia Documentary Will Make You Rethink Your Use of Non Sustainable Ear Plugs
17. This Baby Seal is Learning to Surf, and She’s Doing It All For the Environment
18. Octopus Takes Diver by the Hand and Leads Her to an Underwater Mystery
19.  The WSL Is Doing A Good Job, So Why Are Its Fans Acting Like Such A##holes?
20. These Dolphins Absolutely LOVE Squirrels!
21. Burning Man Was Only Bad If You Can’t Adapt To Nature
22. Your Dreads May Look Cool, But They’re Likely Contributing To Climate Change
23. Opinion: The WSL Finals is A Huge Improvement to Professional Surfing
24. Five Self Care Tips For When The Surfline Forecast Is Wrong
25. Foldable Surfboards – Why They Are Rad And Why Haven’t You Bought One Already?
26. Kassia Meador Teaches You How To Wax Your Surfboard

Real Inertia article titles: 1, 2, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 15, 18, 20, 21,23, 26

*Beaver Fur Wetsuits Are The Next Big Thing! Published on the Inertia by JP Currie, October 2016

“Haters will hate but the dude charges harder than them…”

There is egg on the face of every surfer who’s ever been critical of Filipe Toledo’s ability to wrangle Teahupoo after the two-time world champ was spotted almost completing a four-foot tube there in the lead-up to July’s Olympic showdown.

Filipe Toledo, the twenty-nine-year-old San Clemente-based father of two, has long had to fend off suggestions he is scared of the joint after a series of underwhelming performances, including a zero-point heat total against Italo Ferreira in 2015 that was subsequently dubbed “A brave act of cowardice.”

In 2022, Filipe Toledo reprised his brave act of cowardice when he refused to paddle for a set wave in his heat against old-timers Kelly Slater and Nathan Hedge. 

In this year’s tour opener at Pipeline, and after an embarrassing 1.77 heat total in perfect six-foot barrels, Toledo withdrew from the event citing an unspecified illness. 

Memes were quickly assembled.

More worldly voices, most notably BeachGrit’s own Chas Smith have suggested, however, that this fear of abrupt barrelling waves has all been a front, a game of rope-a-dope with the world.

What if, asked Chas back in December, Filipe’s masterplan was to make the world think he was too scared to paddle into a set at Teahupoo and then, with Olympic gold on the line, create one of the most unlikely wins in Games history?

Well, dreams do come true, as they used to say in Disney movies. And, earlier today, Filipe Toledo released footage of a four-foot tube almost successfully ridden.

“Quick trip to Teahupoo with Team Brazil,” writes an upbeat Toledo, failing to mention his grave disappointment at missing last week’s ten-foot swell, which was enjoyed by teenagers and girls alike.

Some surf fans were thrilled with Toledo’s four-foot tube and celebrated the achievement on his Instagram.

“Haters will hate but the dude charges harder than them,” writes one.

“Haters are fans in denial. If you have haters, you are doing something right,” agreed another.

However, the expert wave forecaster James Frazerhurst threw a cat among the birdies when he asked the above gents, “Please explain wtf happened vs Slater and Hedge…vs Ferreira 2015?????????”

Toledo fans responded with the same sorta logic-defying gymnastics currently employed by Hamas apologists.

“You’re talking about a back to back world champion who definitely gets barrelled at world class waves. Acting like having bad heats and bad days is not human. That’s also happened to people like Slater and Andy and the greats many times as well. Besides you wouldn’t even think of paddling into some of hte waves this guy surfs.”

Frazerhurst shoots back, “Bummer than the bad/off days have been when the waves are thick and heavy. People watching and following along might get the wrong idea about his charging-ness! Lucky you are here to tell them they don’t surf as good as him.”

Then, another sceptic, Harpy–Harvey, arrives.

“Show me when Kelly or Andy never caught a wave in a heat because it was too heavy for them please.”

“Stop hating Harpy. Not good for the soul. Just ’cause it’s not his best strength doesn’t mean the dude is not capable. Also, I’m not gonna go digging for details for your satisfaction. It has happened multiple times. The best in the world see him as a threat in any conditions. He would rock you in any heat anywhere for sure.”

Harpy Harvey retorts, “You’re not digging because there’s nothing to dig. The best in the world fear him in EVERYTHING but heavy surf especially heavy lefts. No hate, just facts.”

Then!

“Did you just watch that video or nah?”

“The barely overhead wave? Lol.”

“You would shit yourself. That’s a critical slabbing Chopes wave on very shallow sharp reef.”

And, so on.

The exchange also includes a cameo from Negatron himself who writes, wryly: “Charging harder than faceless nobody kook haters isn’t much of an achievement.”

Follow the trail here and watch the video here.