The Inertia, surf website.
Baby wants to fuck! Baby wants to fuck BeachGrit!

Surf website The Inertia hailed as “David Lynch-esque” surrealism!

Let’s play a little game. See if you can pick out the real Inertia headlines from the ones I’ve made up. 

WSL apologists. VAL enthusiasts. Branded content partners. Our pals over at The Inertia have long been known to cater to the most basic of demographics with their HuffPost-esque surf puff pieces. 

They’re obviously resonating with an audience. Somewhere. Somehow.

And that’s fine. Good for them. Go for gold.

But have you browsed The Inertia website of late? Probably not.

Between BeachGrit and Brietbart I’d be surprised if you had time left to polish your gun rack, let alone imbibe the sixth most successful online surf journal’s offerings.

I have, though. And fuck me it is wild.

If you can get past the UX that is buggier and more ad-laden than a late ‘90s Geocities site, a quick dig into The Inertia archives reveals titles –  and stories – that appear to have gone from surf-adjacent to straight-out surrealist. Bros and Bro-ettes pumping out page after page of incessant outdoor enthusiast dross that turns into performance art the deeper you get. (Not like our BeachGrit!)

The saccharine sweet animal videos. The naughty naughty admonishment of eco-negative behaviours. The Nonsensical Use of Capitalized Letters. It’s all there. But I swear, when viewed as a whole, the body of work takes on an almost David Lynch like absurdist quality.

Are these cunts at The Inertia messing with us? I don’t know. But it sure is entertaining.

So, let’s play a little game. See if you can pick out the real Inertia headlines from the ones I’ve made up. 

The winner gets, oh I don’t know. A beaver fur wetsuit*.

  1. C-Monsta Will Help You Level Up Your Wetsuit Drying Game
  2. Opinion: It Doesn’t Matter If the CEO of the WSL Surfs or Not
  3. San Diego Man Creates Surf-Skateboard With Inbuilt Water Spray
  4. Your Keep Cup Is Probably Not Recycled and That Is Problematic
  5. Our Favourite Hammocks for Hanging at the Beach
  6. Tips on Reversing Your Negativity Bias
  7. Filipe Toledo’s Dominance Shows That Teahupo’o and Pipeline Really Don’t Matter Anymore
  8. The Most Eco-Friendly Moustache Waxes of 2023
  9. The Best Wing Foil Gear for Beginners
  10. Robotic Dolphins and Flying Water Cars Are Insane
  11. When The Olympics Begins at Teahupo’o, Shouldn’t Surfers Be Able to Pronounce Its Name?
  12. The GetBaked Hydro Tee is our Favorite Technical Aquatic Activity Shirt of 2024
  13. So You Want to Start Jet Boarding? Here’s 3 Tips to Keep you High and Dry
  14. It’s Fall Again! Here’s 5 Of Our Favourite Hacky Sacks For the Ultimate In Campfire Fun
  15. Dear Van Lifers: Please Stop Pooping In My Car Park
  16. This Four Hour Patagonia Documentary Will Make You Rethink Your Use of Non Sustainable Ear Plugs
  17. This Baby Seal is Learning to Surf, and She’s Doing It All For the Environment
  18. Octopus Takes Diver by the Hand and Leads Her to an Underwater Mystery
  19.  The WSL Is Doing A Good Job, So Why Are Its Fans Acting Like Such A##holes?
  20. These Dolphins Absolutely LOVE Squirrels!
  21. Burning Man Was Only Bad If You Can’t Adapt To Nature
  22. Your Dreads May Look Cool, But They’re Likely Contributing To Climate Change
  23. Opinion: The WSL Finals is A Huge Improvement to Professional Surfing
  24. Five Self Care Tips For When The Surfline Forecast Is Wrong
  25. Foldable Surfboards – Why They Are Rad And Why Haven’t You Bought One Already?
  26. Kassia Meador Teaches You How To Wax Your Surfboard

Real Inertia article titles: 1, 2, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 15, 18, 20, 21,23, 26

*Beaver Fur Wetsuits Are The Next Big Thing! Published on the Inertia by JP Currie, October 2016

Tudor (left) tells the U.S. President Joe Biden to kiss his bottom.
Tudor (left) tells the U.S. President Joe Biden to kiss his bottom.

Surfing’s great polemicist Joel Tudor savages U.S. President Joe Biden over forgiven student loans

"That’s like buying a house and then asking for payments to be paid for by government….."

A debate is not well and truly underway until surfing’s great polemicist Joel Tudor swings in. And let us examine the United States’ president Joe Biden and his continued forgiveness of student loans. Yesterday, the leader of the free world announced he was erasing another $7.7 billion of debt. This followed $7.4 billion wiped off the books in April.

“From day one of my Administration, I promised to fight to ensure higher education is a ticket to the middle class, not a barrier to opportunity,” Biden gamely declared. “I will never stop working to cancel student debt – no matter how many times Republican elected officials try to stop us.”

While maybe not a Republican elected official, surf funnyman Jonathan Wayne Freeman posted a to-camera video to his much-loved Instagram page wherein he described a boy, presumably himself, who went to a college he couldn’t afford yet still signed on the dotted line, accepting low interest loans. Now, while he seemed to be sarcastically happy about the relief, he also slammed Biden teaching youngsters that irresponsibility is chill or some vague boomer thing.

Joel Tudor, always ready, immediately responded, “That’s like buying a house and then asking for payments to be paid for by government…..aka hard working tax payers – kiss my ass Joe Biden.”

Shockingly, not everyone was won over.

Movelikelove declared, “That is not the same thing at all That is a completely illogical equivalent. You can look up what logical fallacies you just used I’m not going to teach you for free given the content here. I’m a psychotherapist in my job benefits my community. Me buying a house isn’t benefiting the community. I can’t believe I had to explain that to you.”

Sargentscrapbook added, “How is that in any way similar? Seriously…you portray yourself as informed and knowledgeable. What regulations have been repealed and abused regarding compounded interest/inflated and predatory loan practices with in the higher education industry? How does the percentage of tax money spent of student debt interest forgiveness compare to the percentage of tax money spent on corporate and religious tax breaks? I know you’re not going to respond with any sort of rational, informed or practical thought. Don’t bother.”

Robmayers wondered, “Why get worked up about this? Instead of people paying the banks they now have some freed up money to buy things like your surfboards instead.”

And, lastly, going after both Tudor and J. Wayne Freeman himself, andrewlive stated, “I always love the Joe Rogan, 19-yr old bro, low-information political takes you have. But I love more the low-information libertarian surf mongoloid responses you get. Keep these brilliant, well-researched takes coming!”

Do you have any thoughts on student loan debt forgiveness? Please share.

Bad girls, bad girls, what you gonna do?
Bad girls, bad girls, what you gonna do?

Maui enraged after two women brazenly steal from core surf shop

"Thievery of any kind is always wrong, but to go local on local, that’s really nasty."

It’s one thing to walk right into a Costco then walk right out with arms full of Hurley pants and Gerry Lopez landfill ready foam surfboards without paying. Quite another to walk right into a core surf shop and leave with local kine gear but that’s exactly what happened to Oshima Surf there on Maui’s middle bit.

Cameras caught two women loading up on surf-branded tees and, maybe, trucker hats then dashing through the door into the warm-ish air. According to Island News, “The shop’s general manager declined an interview but she mentioned the thieves took ‘a lot of stuff.'”

Rage percolated quickly.

“Thievery of any kind is always wrong, but to go local on local, that’s really nasty. That’s going to be some bachi there, for the thieves,” Maui local Leona Kushi declared. “I think to steal from those smaller businesses that work really hard to maintain their business, especially with Hawai’i’s economy, makes it even more of a stab, you know,” surf clothing aficionado Rynn Viloria said.

The balance of opposites.

There is no telling what sort of punishment the mob will deliver once the bad bachi bitches are caught but do you have any suggestions?

I do. I think they should be forced to subscribe to disgraced former World Surf League CEO Erik Logan’s Substack and read each and every of his offerings including, but not limited to, the latest entitled “Who’s Your Yoda” and beginning thusly:

1989. I’m a senior at Northwest Classen High School, working full-time as the nighttime DJ, emceeing concerts, and having the time of my life. Given my hectic schedule of school and baseball, I would usually get to my DJ job around 6:45 pm for a 7 pm shift, and usually nobody else would be around. One night, as I was rolling into the station’s parking lot on the south side of Oklahoma City, covered in red dirt from the baseball game, I noticed an unusual number of cars.

Like red hot pokers in the eyeballs.

Matthew Perry (pictured) in hot tub.
Matthew Perry (pictured) in hot tub.

Suspicion falls on surf world after Matthew Perry’s tragic drowning elevated to criminal investigation

"The investigation will look into how the actor obtained the anaesthetic ketamine found in his system."

Tragedy struck hard, seven months ago, when the 54-year-old Canadian-American Matthew Perry was found unresponsive in his Pacific Palisades hot tub. The beloved actor, best known for bringing Chandler Bing to life on the sitcom Friends, had long struggled with substance abuse and the toxicology report, released weeks later, revealed cause of death to be drowning likely brought on by having too much ketamine in his system.

Surfers, worldwide, mourned as the dry witted Perry had just been rehabilitated after being extremely mean to surf icon Keanu Reeves but then, beautifully, walking back wishing the Point Break star dead.

The whole matter was then laid to rest until yesterday, when the Los Angeles Police Department, U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration and U.S. Postal Inspection Service opened up a probe into where the aforementioned ketamine had come from and how Perry had accessed such a great quantity.

Suspicion immediately swung toward the surf world. While it was assumed each and every surfer had forgiven Perry for wondering “Why is it that the original thinkers like River Phoenix and Heath Ledger die, but Keanu Reeves still walks among us?” might there have been one or two bad apples who had not?

Surfers are, of course, known derelicts and it would make much sense if the drug had come from a beach-adjacent source. Surf great Kelly Slater once even bemoaned the prevalence of illicit substances on the professional surf tour, saying, “drugs are everywhere.”

Even more sense what with potential motive in play.


More as the story develops either way.

Developing: World surf champ Filipe Toledo seen charging small Teahupoo in lead-up to Olympic showdown!

“Haters will hate but the dude charges harder than them…”

There is egg on the face of every surfer who’s ever been critical of Filipe Toledo’s ability to wrangle Teahupoo after the two-time world champ was spotted almost completing a four-foot tube there in the lead-up to July’s Olympic showdown.

Filipe Toledo, the twenty-nine-year-old San Clemente-based father of two, has long had to fend off suggestions he is scared of the joint after a series of underwhelming performances, including a zero-point heat total against Italo Ferreira in 2015 that was subsequently dubbed “A brave act of cowardice.”

In 2022, Filipe Toledo reprised his brave act of cowardice when he refused to paddle for a set wave in his heat against old-timers Kelly Slater and Nathan Hedge. 

In this year’s tour opener at Pipeline, and after an embarrassing 1.77 heat total in perfect six-foot barrels, Toledo withdrew from the event citing an unspecified illness. 

Memes were quickly assembled.

More worldly voices, most notably BeachGrit’s own Chas Smith have suggested, however, that this fear of abrupt barrelling waves has all been a front, a game of rope-a-dope with the world.

What if, asked Chas back in December, Filipe’s masterplan was to make the world think he was too scared to paddle into a set at Teahupoo and then, with Olympic gold on the line, create one of the most unlikely wins in Games history?

Well, dreams do come true, as they used to say in Disney movies. And, earlier today, Filipe Toledo released footage of a four-foot tube almost successfully ridden.

“Quick trip to Teahupoo with Team Brazil,” writes an upbeat Toledo, failing to mention his grave disappointment at missing last week’s ten-foot swell, which was enjoyed by teenagers and girls alike.

Some surf fans were thrilled with Toledo’s four-foot tube and celebrated the achievement on his Instagram.

“Haters will hate but the dude charges harder than them,” writes one.

“Haters are fans in denial. If you have haters, you are doing something right,” agreed another.

However, the expert wave forecaster James Frazerhurst threw a cat among the birdies when he asked the above gents, “Please explain wtf happened vs Slater and Hedge…vs Ferreira 2015?????????”

Toledo fans responded with the same sorta logic-defying gymnastics currently employed by Hamas apologists.

“You’re talking about a back to back world champion who definitely gets barrelled at world class waves. Acting like having bad heats and bad days is not human. That’s also happened to people like Slater and Andy and the greats many times as well. Besides you wouldn’t even think of paddling into some of hte waves this guy surfs.”

Frazerhurst shoots back, “Bummer than the bad/off days have been when the waves are thick and heavy. People watching and following along might get the wrong idea about his charging-ness! Lucky you are here to tell them they don’t surf as good as him.”

Then, another sceptic, Harpy–Harvey, arrives.

“Show me when Kelly or Andy never caught a wave in a heat because it was too heavy for them please.”

“Stop hating Harpy. Not good for the soul. Just ’cause it’s not his best strength doesn’t mean the dude is not capable. Also, I’m not gonna go digging for details for your satisfaction. It has happened multiple times. The best in the world see him as a threat in any conditions. He would rock you in any heat anywhere for sure.”

Harpy Harvey retorts, “You’re not digging because there’s nothing to dig. The best in the world fear him in EVERYTHING but heavy surf especially heavy lefts. No hate, just facts.”


“Did you just watch that video or nah?”

“The barely overhead wave? Lol.”

“You would shit yourself. That’s a critical slabbing Chopes wave on very shallow sharp reef.”

And, so on.

The exchange also includes a cameo from Negatron himself who writes, wryly: “Charging harder than faceless nobody kook haters isn’t much of an achievement.”

Follow the trail here and watch the video here.