Suspicion falls on surf world after Matthew
Perry’s tragic drowning elevated to criminal investigation
By Chas Smith
"The investigation will look into how the actor
obtained the anaesthetic ketamine found in his system."
Tragedy struck hard, seven months ago, when the
54-year-old Canadian-American Matthew Perry was found unresponsive
in his Pacific Palisades hot tub. The beloved actor, best known for
bringing Chandler Bing to life on the sitcom Friends, had long
struggled with substance abuse and the toxicology report, released
weeks later, revealed cause of death to be drowning likely brought
on by having too much ketamine in his system.
Surfers, worldwide,
mourned as the dry witted Perry had just been
rehabilitated after being extremely mean to surf icon Keanu Reeves
but then, beautifully, walking back wishing the Point Break star
dead.
The whole matter was then laid to rest until yesterday, when the
Los Angeles Police Department, U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration
and U.S. Postal Inspection Service opened up a probe into where
the aforementioned ketamine had come from and how Perry had
accessed such a great quantity.
Suspicion immediately swung toward the surf world. While it was
assumed each and every surfer had forgiven Perry for
wondering “Why is it that the original thinkers like
River Phoenix and Heath Ledger die, but Keanu Reeves still walks
among us?” might there have been one or two bad apples who had
not?
Surfers are, of course, known derelicts and it would make much
sense if the drug had come from a beach-adjacent source. Surf great
Kelly Slater once even bemoaned the
prevalence of illicit substances on the professional
surf tour, saying, “drugs are everywhere.”
Even more sense what with potential motive in play.
Thoughts?
More as the story develops either way.
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Filipe Toledo on a wave that probs felt a
whole lot bigger when he was on it. The camera ain't always your
friend.
Developing: World surf champ Filipe Toledo
seen charging small Teahupoo in lead-up to Olympic showdown!
By Derek Rielly
“Haters will hate but the dude charges harder than
them…”
There is egg on the face of every surfer who’s ever been
critical of Filipe Toledo’s ability to wrangle Teahupoo after the
two-time world champ was spotted almost completing a
four-foot tube there in the lead-up to July’s Olympic showdown.
Filipe Toledo, the twenty-nine-year-old San Clemente-based
father of two, has long had to fend off suggestions he is scared of
the joint after a series of underwhelming performances, including a
zero-point heat total against Italo Ferreira in 2015 that was
subsequently dubbed “A brave act of cowardice.”
More worldly voices, most notably BeachGrit’s own Chas Smith
have suggested, however, that this fear of abrupt barrelling waves
has all been a front, a game of rope-a-dope with the world.
What if, asked Chas back in December, Filipe’s masterplan was to
make the world think he was too scared to paddle into a set at
Teahupoo and then, with Olympic gold on the line, create one of the
most unlikely wins in Games history?
Well, dreams do come true, as they used to say in Disney movies.
And, earlier today, Filipe Toledo released footage of a four-foot
tube almost successfully ridden.
“Quick trip to Teahupoo with Team Brazil,” writes an upbeat
Toledo, failing to mention his grave disappointment at missing last
week’s ten-foot swell, which was enjoyed by teenagers and girls
alike.
Some surf fans were thrilled with Toledo’s four-foot tube and
celebrated the achievement on his Instagram.
“Haters will hate but the dude charges harder than them,” writes
one.
“Haters are fans in denial. If you have haters, you are doing
something right,” agreed another.
However, the expert wave forecaster James
Frazerhurst threw a cat among the birdies when he
asked the above gents, “Please explain wtf happened vs Slater and
Hedge…vs Ferreira 2015?????????”
“You’re talking about a back to back world champion who
definitely gets barrelled at world class waves. Acting like having
bad heats and bad days is not human. That’s also happened to people
like Slater and Andy and the greats many times as well. Besides you
wouldn’t even think of paddling into some of hte waves this guy
surfs.”
Frazerhurst shoots back, “Bummer than the bad/off days have been
when the waves are thick and heavy. People watching and following
along might get the wrong idea about his charging-ness! Lucky you
are here to tell them they don’t surf as good as him.”
Then, another sceptic, Harpy–Harvey, arrives.
“Show me when Kelly or Andy never caught a wave in a heat
because it was too heavy for them please.”
“Stop hating Harpy. Not good for the soul. Just ’cause it’s not
his best strength doesn’t mean the dude is not capable. Also, I’m
not gonna go digging for details for your satisfaction. It has
happened multiple times. The best in the world see him as a threat
in any conditions. He would rock you in any heat anywhere for
sure.”
Harpy Harvey retorts, “You’re not digging because there’s
nothing to dig. The best in the world fear him in EVERYTHING but
heavy surf especially heavy lefts. No hate, just facts.”
Then!
“Did you just watch that video or nah?”
“The barely overhead wave? Lol.”
“You would shit yourself. That’s a critical slabbing Chopes wave
on very shallow sharp reef.”
And, so on.
The exchange also includes a cameo from Negatron himself who
writes, wryly: “Charging harder than faceless nobody kook haters
isn’t much of an achievement.”
Carissa Moore accepts wildcard to upcoming
Tahiti Pro
By Chas Smith
Where's Filipe?
Modern professional surfing is currently in
what experts are calling its “Goldilocks and the Three Bears”
phase. We have Kelly Slater, who has hung on way too long. We have
John John Florence, who hung it up way too early. And we have
Carissa Moore who has done it just right. You, of course, recall
when the ever classy Hawaiian declared that she would be stepping
away from the tour at the beginning of the year. That she would
also be representing the United States, again, in the Olympics
hoping for back to back gold.
“My favorite rides, the greatest thrills have come when I’ve
paddled over the ledge even though my heart or my head is telling
me not to, you know?” she gamely declared at the
time. “The anxiety comes from ‘am I going to show up?’
I just want to be proud of myself. I want, at the end of the day,
to be like, ‘Ok, I did my best. And I rose to the occasion,’ you
know?”
Well, in a perfect turn, Moore has accepted a wildcard into the
hours away Tahiti Pro. The 2024 Games
will, maybe not coincidentally, be held at the exact same reef
shelf in two-ish month’s time. A who’s who of surf celebrities
celebrated the news via Instagram.
Shaper to the stars Matt Biolos offered, “Pedal to the
metal.”
Post surf interview maestra AJ McCord added, “We love to see
it!!! Have so much fun Riss.”
Big wave stud Shane Dorian penned, “It’s time” while adding a
robust flexed arm likely juiced with the very latest in recovery
aids.
While Moore’s decision is perfect, like each previous, there is
still silence in Filipe Toledo’s camp. The timid small wave surfer
will also be Olympic surfing and has already made a name for
himself at the Cave of Skulls by refusing to paddle when it gets
scary.
Should he have screwed up enough courage to wildcard
himself?
Obviously.
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Nina Dobrev before (left) and after with Shaun White
(insert) sad.
Shaun White’s actress girlfriend Nina
Dobrev hospitalized after gruesome wipeout on “rabble kook scum”
electric bike
By Chas Smith
"Charlatans all. Including of course the plebeian
aspiring surf stars who whore themselves out to the lowest
bidder."
Nina Dobrev, the longtime actress girlfriend of
snowboard spectacular Shaun White is currently receiving
care in a hospital after suffering a gruesome
accident on an electric bicycle. The Canadian, who
made a name for herself on The Vampire Diaries, had shared a self
portrait straddling the machine, cheekily penning “How it started
vs how it’s going” underneath.
The next slide should have included a trigger warning. The
35-year-old is lying on a hospital bed, possibly emergency room,
with a neck brace, knee brace and maybe bicep brace.
Nina Dobrev (pictured) inert.
While not explaining what led to the accident, fans were quick
to point out that she wasn’t wearing a helmet though her head does
seem to be in working condition. Others, more famous like Sophia
Bush, who recently came out as
queer, wrote, “Nooooo! You poor babe,” while Dancing
with the Stars’ Julianne Hough added, “That’s my girl! 🫠 Obviously
wouldn’t make jokes if you were not ok…”
It was not necessarily obvious to those who know neither
starlet.
BeachGrit readers will recall the e-bike furor that
engulfed our surfing world two years ago when shaper Tyler Warren
circulated a petition to have them banned at Lower
Trestles. Andy St Onge, author, responded, “The recreational
integrity of surfing has been so hopelessly degraded by the
combined compounded impact of unrestrained commercialism with
hordes of par venu kooks and their endless gear fetishes.
Charlatans all. Including of course the plebeian aspiring surf
stars who whore themselves out to the lowest bidder. Rabble kook
scum one and all.”
BeachGrit readers will also recall when conservative
longboard firebrand Joel Tudor posted a
video of e-bikes becoming washed away and declared it,
“the greatest moment in rewind history.”
So, after the latest Dobrev dustup, where do you stand on
e-bikes? Still the future of transportation or a grave menace?
More as the story develops.
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"One thing I would love to do with surfing is
retire from it," says Chas. "I would to to retire from surfing, not
as an old man, aged and broken. I would like to retire from surfing
in my prime."
Chas Smith salutes the glittering career of
retiring world surf champ John John Florence
In this, the 100th episode of Chas Smith Hates Surfing, Chas
salutes the glittering career of John John Florence
“One thing I would love to do with surfing is retire from it,”
says Chas. “I would retire from surfing, not as an old man, aged
and broken, I would like to retire from surfing in my prime.
“And that is what we have John John Florence doing. He has
thrilled since he was a pint-sized tow-head packing barrels at
Pipeline. An impressive young man who grew into an impressive older
man.”
But, says Chas, “When people retire in their prime, who’s to
blame? I think we know who’s to blame. The World Surf League.”
