Bikes bikes bikes!

Fury over cavalcade of “rabble kook scum” on electric bikes at site of surfing’s world title showdown in California mounts as petition circulates for their permanent removal, “It’s getting out of control and no one is speaking up!”

"The recreational integrity of surfing has been so hopelessly degraded by… kooks and their endless gear fetishes."

The avant-garde stylist and artist Tyler Warren, “shaper of longboards for lazy people” as one reader puts it, has had a swing at the e-bike craze that has turned Lowers and surrounds into a tangle of two-thousand dollar electric bikes, an immense black grotto of steel and rubber.

“The time has come to put our foot down and stop the use of Electric Bikes in California State beaches and parks,” writes Tyler. “Please sign the petition in my bio and help keep our special places not over run with excess of people and over useage that takes away from the beauty and peace of our last naturally beautiful places. The electric bikes have gotten so bad they are littered up and down beautiful state park beaches on a daily basis. It makes it feel like the 405 freeway when your out to get your fill of beach sand and ocean. 

“Kids younger then 10 have them and race around with no respect or license. In this more n more of a rat race world we live in let’s keep the traffic on the street and not on our sand. With more and more E-bike companies, stores and purchases this is a snowball effect that we can’t turn our backs to. 

“I have plenty of friends that ride them and get there ease but it’s getting out of control and no one is speaking up so I feel the need to protect the places I love and want to share with further generations knowing what it was like walking up the beach with a view of sand and water not a pile of E-bikes.” 


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The issue is an emotive one and as crazy as it is, it’s fascinating to watch the bile explode.

Andy St Onge, from Sunset Beach, Oahu, whom you’ll remember as the author of the magnificent “One single wave can epitomise or encapsulate everything imaginable or possible in a surfing life”, was especially riled.

“All Kooks — foils, sups, jetskiis, yoga creeps, sellout wannabes, etc etc etc. If you don’t live there don’t surf there. Beat it. The recreational integrity of surfing has been so hopelessly degraded by the combined compounded impact of unrestrained commercialism with hordes of par venu kooks and their endless gear fetishes. Charlatans all. Including of course the plebeian aspiring surf stars who whore themselves out to the lowest bidder. Rabble kook scum one and all.”

Of the three hundred or so comments, most were on the side of Warren, his followers regarding their use as vulgar and opportunistic.

I find the e-bike a fascinating invention and marvel, often, at how quickly they came into common use, particularly at such a high price point.

Do you own a little electric bike? Are they as good as they look?

And have you seen, at close hand, the conga line of bikes to Lowers, everyone lined up, pricks to asses?



World Surf League CEO Erik Logan (pictured) with paddle.
World Surf League CEO Erik Logan (pictured) with paddle.

Explosive controversy builds in wake of brutal lineup assault on surf champion Joel Tudor’s buttocks: “What did the stand-up paddler know and when did he know it?”

Was this a hit?

Earlier today, the surf universe was shocked to learn that champion longboarder Joel Tudor had been brutally assaulted at his home break. Surveillance video appears to show the Duct Tape Invitational creator and style master being repeatedly beat on his knees, torso and buttocks by an alleged out-of-control stand-up paddleboarder’s naughty paddle.

As surf violence is on the rise, initial response to the disturbing video centered on the viciousness the SUP pilot intended to mete out on Tudor’s buttocks but has since turned to questions of why.

Who would do such a thing?


Who would do such a thing?

Tudor had well-publicized beef with the World Surf League, earlier this year, wherein he called the home of professional surfing out for its performative equality and etc.

After a series of other hammers, the iconic longboarder and sitting world champion, was unceremoniously suspended, indefinitely.

Well, as it turns out, the World Surf League CEO is a notable SUP pilot and…

… oh stop. I am not presuming anything, here, just wondering.

Was this a hit?

Yacht surfing stud Dan Price (pictured by self). Courtesy: Facebook.
Yacht surfing stud Dan Price (pictured by self). Courtesy: Facebook.

“America’s best boss” and yacht surfing stud Dan Price brought low after allegations he grabbed woman by throat after she refused kiss, did parking lot “doughnuts” in his Tesla to teach her further lesson!

Minority Report.

Almost four years ago we learned, here, about the “best boss in America.” Dan Price achieved fame for slashing his own CEO pay in order to give the employees of his credit card company a $70,000 per year minimum wage. He was hailed as a wonderful example of modern corporate generosity and chill vibes.

Also a noted “yacht surfer.”

Well, it turns out that Price has been accused of sexual abuse and various other naughty bits of bad behavior. A damning New York Times feature paints an unflattering portrait of the man along with with a recent New York Post piece which declares:

Earlier this year, Seattle prosecutors charged Price with misdemeanor assault and reckless driving after he allegedly attempted to kiss the woman following a business meeting and then grabbed her by the throat when she rejected his advances.

After the alleged altercation, Price purportedly drove to a parking lot and performed “doughnuts” in his Tesla while she was still in the car, according to the Seattle Times. Price pleaded not guilty to the charge in May and has denied wrongdoing.

“Mr. Price respects the legal process and is confident that he will be vindicated in court,” an attorney for the executive told the outlet earlier this year.

Creepy, if true, but also look at his picture (above).

I think it could be argued that any man who appears like that should be preemptively locked up.

And/or any man that does parking lot doughnuts in a Tesla.

Plus yacht surfs.

Precrime like Minority Report.

And I hear you thinking, “First they came for the young, long-haired (heavily-conditioned) CEOs with veneer grins and a penchant for selfies and I did not speak out – because I wasn’t a young, long-haired (heavily-conditioned) CEO with veneer grin or a penchant for selfies.”

But seriously.

Tesla doughnuts.

SUP pilot (left) on knees attempting to spank Joel Tudor's buttocks.
SUP pilot (left) on knees attempting to spank Joel Tudor's buttocks.

Joel Tudor brutally assaulted in lineup as enraged stand-up paddleboarder appears to repeatedly swing deadly oar at surf champion’s torso, knees and buttocks!

"Summer in Cardiff is special."

Surf fans, near and far, woke up to shocking images, this morning, that appear to show Joel Tudor being brutally assaulted at his home break of Cardiff-by-the-Sea, California by a man riding a stand-up paddleboard. The apparent attack occurring during a recent small to average run of swell was all caught on camera.

Tudor can be seen taking off near the peak of a left that the SUP pilot must have considered a right. The multiple-time longboard champion gamely crosses over the SUP’s tail while its pilot appears to grow enraged, swinging his deadly paddle at Tudor before falling into the soup.

Not satisfied, he remounts his steed, getting to his knees, and paddles after Tudor as he is returning to the lineup, attempting to vigorously spank those offending buttocks.

Tudor simply captioned the post “Summer at Cardiff is special.”

The SUP pilot, unnamed, must be a brazen sort for Tudor is well-known to be highly trained in Brazilian jiu-jitsu. Do you think his mastery allowed him to resist the temptation for a choke out?

Do you recall when Bruce Lee declared, “You’re the one with the big mouth, and I would really enjoy closing it, especially in front of all my friends. But my hands are registered as lethal weapons. That means, we get into a fight, I accidentally kill you? I go to jail,” in Quentin Tarantino’s “Once Upon a Time in… Hollywood?”

A similar sentiment?

More as the story develops.

"Give us at least 80%!"
"Give us at least 80%!"

Protests erupt in street as premium surf magazine partners with canvas shoe juggernaut to turn back clock on equality, inviting only half the number of women as men to “reimagined” Pipeline Masters!

Putting the "master" back into Pipeline!

The World Surf League has been on a heavy, heavy equality push over the last handful of years and, whether you like it or not, somewhat admirably so. Attempting to level a playing field that has been tilted since forever. Women not getting a shot. Women being blamed for not getting a shot then not performing when bone is thrown or being thrown a fake bone that is called “real” (where WSL notably fails). Women asked to do better with a fraction of the resources to go, post up at critical waves, hire nutritionists, massage therapists, coaches, etc.

Vans, owned by VF and raking in one billion dollars year, has the extra scratch but seems to prefer posture and make-believe, performance, to actually making a difference.

In any case, and on the same theme, the canvas shoe juggernaut has partnered with premium surf magazine Stab in order to re-imagine the months-away Pipeline Masters. As you certainly recall, the world’s premier surf event is no longer part of the World Surf League. In some lofty wisdom, Pipeline now hosts the year’s first event though it is not the “masters,” rather the “pro,” with Lower Trestles becoming crown jewel.

New can be so wonderful and the new Pipeline Masters is set to be a progressive air show with new judging criteria, selection process, more locals, 40 men invited from across time, space, history and… only 20 women.


Not even the non-adjusted average female annual salary of around 80% the average male salary.

A very public and aggressive turning back of equality’s clock.

The definition of tokenization.

Protests erupting in streets.

But are you there holding a picket sign or simply excited for a re-imagined Master?