"Give us at least 80%!"
"Give us at least 80%!"

Protests erupt in street as premium surf magazine partners with canvas shoe juggernaut to turn back clock on equality, inviting only half the number of women as men to “reimagined” Pipeline Masters!

Putting the "master" back into Pipeline!

The World Surf League has been on a heavy, heavy equality push over the last handful of years and, whether you like it or not, somewhat admirably so. Attempting to level a playing field that has been tilted since forever. Women not getting a shot. Women being blamed for not getting a shot then not performing when bone is thrown or being thrown a fake bone that is called “real” (where WSL notably fails). Women asked to do better with a fraction of the resources to go, post up at critical waves, hire nutritionists, massage therapists, coaches, etc.

Vans, owned by VF and raking in one billion dollars year, has the extra scratch but seems to prefer posture and make-believe, performance, to actually making a difference.

In any case, and on the same theme, the canvas shoe juggernaut has partnered with premium surf magazine Stab in order to re-imagine the months-away Pipeline Masters. As you certainly recall, the world’s premier surf event is no longer part of the World Surf League. In some lofty wisdom, Pipeline now hosts the year’s first event though it is not the “masters,” rather the “pro,” with Lower Trestles becoming crown jewel.

New can be so wonderful and the new Pipeline Masters is set to be a progressive air show with new judging criteria, selection process, more locals, 40 men invited from across time, space, history and… only 20 women.


Not even the non-adjusted average female annual salary of around 80% the average male salary.

A very public and aggressive turning back of equality’s clock.

The definition of tokenization.

Protests erupting in streets.

But are you there holding a picket sign or simply excited for a re-imagined Master?

Biden government in Kelly Slater’s crosshairs after unvaccinated Novak Djokovic’s exclusion from US Open, “Is the US really still doing this? (Novak) you deserve better. Or you could just walk across the southern border. RIDICULOUS”

World’s greatest surfer gives hell to Dems on border security and vaccine mandates…

In a prolific twenty-four hours, Kelly Slater has opened multiple fronts on Instagram, lambasting not only beginner foil-boarders in Florida, but also his beloved Democrats’ policies on border security and vaccine mandates. 

Six days ago, the former world number one tennis player Novak Djokovic was forced to withdraw from the US Open due to travel restrictions into the US as a result of being unvaccinated against COVID-19.

“Novak is a great champion and it is very unfortunate that he will be unable to compete at the 2022 US Open, as he is unable to enter the country due to the federal government’s vaccination policy for non-U.S. citizens,” Stacey Allaster, the US Open tournament director, said in a statement. “We look forward to welcoming Novak back at the 2023 US Open.”

In a subsequent post to his millions of followers, Slater ran a screenshot of a @jerrynews story about Djokovic’s exclusion from the tournament with various comments pasted on the image, 


“Is the US really still doing this? @djokernole you deserve better. Or you could just walk across the southern border. RIDICULOUS”

In January, Slater waded into a similar fracas when Djokovic was booted out of Australia despite a vaccine-exemption. 

“Maybe Stockholm Syndrome can now change its name to Melbourne/Australia Syndrome,” Slater wrote. “It’s sad to see the celebrated division by the “virtuous” vaccinated. If you’re vaccinated why are you concerned/worried about anyone else’s status… unless, of course, it doesn’t protect you? Or you’re scared you’ll catch it or upset you had to take the risk of vaccination yourself? So much brainwashed hatred in people’s hearts regardless of vax status.”

When readers argued against his case, Slater was quick to push the blade home, demonstrating a broad knowledge of the disease and the hastily produced vaccine, a sample of ’em below.

Heritage surf magazine, beloved for thirty years, slammed for “perpetuating rape culture” following use of high-profile porn star encouraging readers to “Rip up the waves like I rip up p**sy!”

Surfing in the gender war crosshairs after mag collaborates with star of “10 man cum slam” “Daddy it hurts II” and “Can she take it?”

Riptide Bodyboarding magazine was spawned in 1989 by Morrison media on the Gold Coast at the height of the boogie boom. Its then target demographic was a majority barely post-pubescent male groms who had just taken up the sport.

As its readership matured, so did its content.

When the world ticked past the year 2000 C.E.  thoughtful articles and insightful interviews became its standard fare before the great publishing collapse put it to sleep in the early 10’s.

And so it lay slumbering, inert and inactive until earlier this year when a couple of crypto kids reached into their digital wallets and declared ” Boogen” to be back and the Riptide rival was on.

Funneling a “Yer the Boyz” good-time energy, the new Riptide appears ready to harken back to its prospective readers’ halcyon days in both content and tone.

As a nod to its newly minted nihilistic image, it seems the idea of coughed up $390 for a video message from male porn star Johnny Sins through celebrity content website “Cameo” was green lighted as a witty and wacky way of promoting an upcoming film release funded by the website.

Mr Sins, real name Steven Wolfe, is a muscular, bald, alpha male type who has featured in a lot of porn films, having been in the jizz biz for over ten years.

On the surface, the selection of the star of  “10 man cum slam” “Daddy it hurts II” and “Can she take it?”  is seemingly a strange choice to ask to voice over a clip of mid-twenty male, West Australian based Bodyboarders. Unless one factors in the target audience the Rippies boys were trying to titillate with his appearance.

In the video message, Mr Sins encouraged the riders to,

“Rip up the waves like I rip up pussy”.

Innocuous?  Salacious? Problematic?

Sophie Hellyer, U.K. based surfer, cold water swimmer and podcaster certainly believed the later. She posted a thirty-second Reel to her 44k Instagram followers decrying the link between the use of such violent language directed at women’s reproductive parts and wave riding.


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A post shared by Sophie Hellyer (@sophiehellyer)

Hellyer also detailed the shockingly high incidences of violence  directed at women in porn films, and how the normalisation and emulation of sexual violence on screen leads to the further perpetuation of violence onto women in the real world.

Sophie’s followers stormed the comment section of Riptide’s Johnny Sins post.

Riptide responded by deleting it.

Sophie in return received a stream of presumably nasty messages from butt hurt bodyboarders.

Now, before we begin our a race to the bottom of victimhood with trite claims of “They’re just words” and “Everything is too PC these days”, (usually uttered  by horrid people who want to be able to say horrid things) let us acknowledge that language and representation do matter.

Very much.

This is a truth that should be self-evident to generations of boogers raised under the constant barrage of mocking monikers such as “Dick dragger, speed bumps, cripples and on and on”.

If you’re a Bodyboarder who’s experienced even a little of that humiliation, you’ll remember the shame and anger and resentment that simmers from being made to fell less than others through the use of words.

Boogers were also on the receiving end of acts of physical violence that was unleashed, often with no provocation, because violence towards bodyboarders had been normalised within surf culture thanks to words uttered in surf media, particularly in the 80’s and 90’s.

Experiencing degredation and violence, even just a little, is scarring and life altering. Words beget actions which have consequences. If any community within surfing should understand this, it’s Bodyboarders.

Participation rates in women’s sports have exploded exponentially this century. Within the surfing world, Women are taking to the waves like never before. The inclusive nature of the Longboarding / hipster movement offers women a sense of identity and feeling of belonging in the line up that they have flocked to.

In women’s shortboard surfing, the establishment of equal professional contest prize money, active promotion of star riders and an encouraging culture that supports female surfers has seen a generational shift in participation rates and performance levels.

Both pastimes are booming thanks to inclusion and participation of women.

Wifes and daughters sees Belinda Baggs gliding gracefully across the waves or Caroline Marks belting out high performance turns and the respect and admiration they receive for their skill.

In bodyboarding, they now see a male porn star encouraging someone to rip up their pussy.

In the early 90’s, at the height of boogin’/surfer war and adolescent appeal phase, Riptide put a shot of female booger Vicki Gleeson on the magazine cover, perhaps the first surfing publication anywhere to do do, certainly the first one in Bodyboarding.

In the wake of that shot came a generation of Aussie girls that included Kira Llewellyn, Mandy Zeiren, Lilly Pollard and others who lifted the profile of women’s bodyboarding in Australia higher. Women’s Bodyboarding remains a strong presence in Brazil, Japan and Hawaii because of established cultures of inclusiveness and representation for female riders.

Bodyboarding should be the most accessible and popular surfing pastime for women. The equipment is cheap, safe and easily transportable. It’s easy to learn the basics and caters to all ability levels.

It’s time that the Bodyboarding community have frank and honest discussions about how the sport is showcased to potential female participants and what are the barriers to their engagement.

If we don’t, we’re essentially agreeing to exclude and dismiss women from the sport, a decision that would stand in direct opposition to the wider societal trends that are helping to empower women around the globe.

Kelly Slater joins chorus of furious Jacksonville, FLA, natives after foil-boarder almost decapitates beloved local surfer, “Lots of kooks getting on foils getting way too comfy around other people before they can ride the things!”

Unconfirmed reports suggest the wounded man then “took the foil-board and proceeded to bash it into the pier and into pieces until his arms got tired.”

The world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater has waded into an imbroglio boiling in his home state after a surfer was almost decapitated by a rogue foil-boarder at Jax Beach pier, one of North Florida’s “most aggressive lineups.” 

Mitch Kaufmann posted a dramatic photo of the incident with the message, “Foils and SUPs are cool, but DON’T BELONG in crowded lineups like The Jax Beach Pier. This surfer was injured yesterday when the Foil smashed his face. I know the ocean belongs to everyone, but SAFETY FIRST. Feel free to share this.” 


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A post shared by Mitch Kaufmann (@mitchkaufmann77)

Kelly Slater, who grew up at Cocoa Beach a couple of hours south of Jax, was quick to add his authority to the matter, joining the chorus of furious natives.

“Zero reason why foilers need to surf near paddle surfers, especially newbies,” wrote Slater. “Bums me out to see. Lots of looks (auto-correct even gets the champ, who corrects his mistake below!) on foils getting way too comfy around other people before they can ride the things with elite skills enough to avoid hitting people.” 

The foil-boarder made the mistake, one of several it should be said, of hitting beloved local surfer Tony Warren, who goes under the instagram handle @pierregulator. 

Unconfirmed reports suggest the wounded local then “took the foil-board and proceeded to bash it into the pier and into pieces until his arms got tired.”

“I heard it was an expensive mistake,” wrote one commentator. “Think I saw pieces of the foil near a piling this morning…”

Echoes of Fort Point, San Francisco, where foiler John von Tesmar had his leashless two-thousand dollar board destroyed by furious locals after it was washed to the beach following a wipeout.


Hill (center) with a mystery brunette and perpetual bachelor Leonardo DiCaprio (left).
Hill (center) with a mystery brunette and perpetual bachelor Leonardo DiCaprio (left).

In stunning love earthquake, reports trickle out that poetic snaps of world’s most romantic surfer Jonah Hill kissing surf instructor girlfriend may actually be racy snaps of Malibu prince smooching “mystery brunette” instead!

Charles Baudelaire redux.

The ink is not yet dry on the most recent Prince of Malibu Jonah Hill story and not only because it was published less than thirty-minutes ago. Melted hearts and teardrops mingled to keep the page moist as it featured the most beautiful love poetry being made on the sand, Hill denying no public display of affection to his surf instructor longtime girlfriend Sarah Brady.

Men, worldwide, felt shame in their own romantic tendencies and began furiously flipping through yellow pages in order to find the nearest Edible Arrangements.

Well, as it turns out, Hill’s beautiful love poetry may have actually been racy naughtiness as The Daily Mail is the woman on the receiving smooch end is not, in fact Brady but a “mystery brunette.”


I did my surf journalism and studied images of Brady and the “mystery brunette” side by side for minutes but could draw no firm conclusions. Brady may have dyed her hair darker or this might, in fact, be a brand new fling though suggesting that Hill has a definite “type” when it comes to his lady friends.

Hard to say.

Back to Edible Arrangements, though, will you cancel your order and go back to your old lazy ways or are you a man reborn?

Fruit like flowers except yucky.

Speaking of yucky flowers, have you ever read Les Fleurs du Mal?

Jonah Hill the new Charles Baudelaire?