Kelly Slater joins chorus of furious Jacksonville, FLA, natives after foil-boarder almost decapitates beloved local surfer, “Lots of kooks getting on foils getting way too comfy around other people before they can ride the things!”

Unconfirmed reports suggest the wounded man then “took the foil-board and proceeded to bash it into the pier and into pieces until his arms got tired.”

The world’s greatest surfer Kelly Slater has waded into an imbroglio boiling in his home state after a surfer was almost decapitated by a rogue foil-boarder at Jax Beach pier, one of North Florida’s “most aggressive lineups.” 

Mitch Kaufmann posted a dramatic photo of the incident with the message, “Foils and SUPs are cool, but DON’T BELONG in crowded lineups like The Jax Beach Pier. This surfer was injured yesterday when the Foil smashed his face. I know the ocean belongs to everyone, but SAFETY FIRST. Feel free to share this.” 


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A post shared by Mitch Kaufmann (@mitchkaufmann77)

Kelly Slater, who grew up at Cocoa Beach a couple of hours south of Jax, was quick to add his authority to the matter, joining the chorus of furious natives.

“Zero reason why foilers need to surf near paddle surfers, especially newbies,” wrote Slater. “Bums me out to see. Lots of looks (auto-correct even gets the champ, who corrects his mistake below!) on foils getting way too comfy around other people before they can ride the things with elite skills enough to avoid hitting people.” 

The foil-boarder made the mistake, one of several it should be said, of hitting beloved local surfer Tony Warren, who goes under the instagram handle @pierregulator. 

Unconfirmed reports suggest the wounded local then “took the foil-board and proceeded to bash it into the pier and into pieces until his arms got tired.”

“I heard it was an expensive mistake,” wrote one commentator. “Think I saw pieces of the foil near a piling this morning…”

Echoes of Fort Point, San Francisco, where foiler John von Tesmar had his leashless two-thousand dollar board destroyed by furious locals after it was washed to the beach following a wipeout.


Hill (center) with a mystery brunette and perpetual bachelor Leonardo DiCaprio (left).
Hill (center) with a mystery brunette and perpetual bachelor Leonardo DiCaprio (left).

In stunning love earthquake, reports trickle out that poetic snaps of world’s most romantic surfer Jonah Hill kissing surf instructor girlfriend may actually be racy snaps of Malibu prince smooching “mystery brunette” instead!

Charles Baudelaire redux.

The ink is not yet dry on the most recent Prince of Malibu Jonah Hill story and not only because it was published less than thirty-minutes ago. Melted hearts and teardrops mingled to keep the page moist as it featured the most beautiful love poetry being made on the sand, Hill denying no public display of affection to his surf instructor longtime girlfriend Sarah Brady.

Men, worldwide, felt shame in their own romantic tendencies and began furiously flipping through yellow pages in order to find the nearest Edible Arrangements.

Well, as it turns out, Hill’s beautiful love poetry may have actually been racy naughtiness as The Daily Mail is the woman on the receiving smooch end is not, in fact Brady but a “mystery brunette.”


I did my surf journalism and studied images of Brady and the “mystery brunette” side by side for minutes but could draw no firm conclusions. Brady may have dyed her hair darker or this might, in fact, be a brand new fling though suggesting that Hill has a definite “type” when it comes to his lady friends.

Hard to say.

Back to Edible Arrangements, though, will you cancel your order and go back to your old lazy ways or are you a man reborn?

Fruit like flowers except yucky.

Speaking of yucky flowers, have you ever read Les Fleurs du Mal?

Jonah Hill the new Charles Baudelaire?

Hill (left) and surf instructor making poetry last year.
Hill (left) and surf instructor making poetry last year.

World’s most romantic surfer Jonah Hill shames frigid boyfriends, husbands worldwide by making sweet love poetry to surf instructor girlfriend on Malibu’s sacred sand!

Lord Byron redux.

Is there anything better than young-ish California love toward the end of summer? Those who are familiar with the Golden State will certainly agree that this time of year holds much magic. The water is warmer, sunsets more colorful, vibe just right. Tourists, for the most part, have gone home and a real sense of freedom reigns.

Freedom to hold hands whilst riding Disneyland rollercoasters, freedom to write sweet notes and leave them on windshields, freedom to smooch on the beach with not a care in the world.

The problem is, too many California men are frigid, forgetting to buy flowers, chocolates, publicly display affection with the ones they love. The same can be said, I suppose, for men worldwide but leave it to the globe’s most romantic surfer, Jonah Hill, to shame all by taking his surf instructor girlfriend on a Malibu walk and smothering her in sweetness.

While wearing, it appears, Birdwell Beach Britches in valentine red.

Oh you must examine the snaps here but Hill is, yet again, setting the bar very high for our kind. And, please be honest, when was the last time you did anything charming for the man or woman of your life and was it really charming?

Like, better than a gift certificate to TGI Fridays or half off a Thai massage from down the street.

Take in mind the Wolf of Wall Street star is writing physical sonnets while bravely refusing to work due the mental stress of talking to others.

Jonah Hill.

Surfing’s Lord Byron.

“World’s most handsome” professional surfer, who is married to popular TV star, swept up in wild cheating drama with sexy single mom on Netflix hit, Selling the OC, “I pretty much cried every single scene…I was cringing, not gonna lie”

Of course, she who is without sin cast the first stone as it is quickly revealed every gal in the office has been offering their ovum to his supersonic spermatozoa.

Following the wild success of Selling Sunset, a real estate television show where women who are the product of surgical virtuosos schlep expensive houses in Los Angeles, Netflix has shifted its focus south to surfing’s own Orange County, where you might see Matt Biolos…and…Griffin Colapinto in the one day.

Selling the OC follows the travails of the Oppenheim Group as it sets up a realty outpost in Newport Beach, once home to the Californian HQs of Hurley, Billabong and Quiksilver, and still home to shredder Andrew Doheny and the avant-garde longboard specialist Alex Knost.

It is a very good show, at least for a lonely man of middle age like me, because I have a fascination for women with faces like cold piss who dress like hookers on their last dime and who are ready, at the slightest provocation, to tear the hair from the head of whomever they perceive as an enemy.

The star of the show is the former pro surfer Tyler Stanaland, thirty-three, handsome as can be, married to TV star Brittany Snow, the sort of creature adored by the homosexuals and also highly sought after by women.

And he is, by any measure, a surfer of great skill.


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A post shared by Tyler Stanaland (@tylerstanaland)

The show peaks when vaguely sexy single mom Kayla Cardona has a couple of swings at luring the very married Stanaland into a possible fornication causing much ruckus in the office and proving the maxim that the only difference between harassment and flirtation is how hot you are.

To wit, Cardona isn’t perceived as a high-value female as compared to various former models etc.

“We’re all crazy. One thing leads to another and we all get very flirtatious with each other,” Cardona, who has a fifteen-year-old son, explained post-show in some sorta Netflix interview. “And me being a single woman for a very long time, I felt some sort of reciprocation from Tyler flirting back… I am not a home-wrecker and I am not a husband fucker.”

Fans of Stanaland’s famous wife, almost three million of ‘em on Instagram, called out her husband for giving the office girls the impression this particular bull was available.

Do you mind seeing your husband cuddle with women (doing the nosey) and have these same women sit on his lap?

You deserve better, he is not respecting you


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A post shared by Brittany Snow (@brittanysnow)

I kept double checking the whole time he was the one married bc he was not acting like it on that Netflix show ..SAD

He is embarrassing you on this Netflix show hun..


Of course, she who is without sin cast the first stone as it is quickly revealed everyone in the office has been offering their ovum to his supersonic spermatozoa.

Watch now.


Smith (pictured) looking like Logan.

World Surf League CEO Erik Logan credited by South African superstar Jordy Smith for inspiring bold new claim: “Jordy said, ‘I saw you do this when I was in the pit, so it did it! Hahaha!'”

Froth overload!

Be honest. How many times are you lovingly mimicked monthly? Or, mimicked may not be the right word. Affectionately parodied. No, no, not that either. Lampooned. Drat. Well, you know what I mean. How often do people do what you do because it is exceptionally suave and they want to walk like you, talk like you, learn to be someone like you too while also learning the secrets of man’s red flower?

I would imagine not often but, then again, none of us here is the CEO of the World Surf League Erik Logan.

The Oklahoma native was in Tahiti for the semi-recent Outerknown Pro where he was almost brought low due a life-threatening reef injury but before, or maybe after, he inspired a brand new claim from South African superstar Jordy Smith.

Per Logan’s Instagram:

Finding a way to marry your passion with your profession is something people often ask for and strive to achieve. It’s probably the #1 question I get all the time. In reality, I think you can make ANY profession your passion. It’s all how you choose to frame and channel your energy toward it. I’m so blessed to love this sport, our athletes, and our company and at times my passion overflows! (As evidenced by this video!).

Jordy sent this video to me at the end of the Teahupo’o competition, and you see me in my blue jacket and white hat. Jordy said, “I saw you do this when I was in the pit, so it did it! Hahaha”. Froth overload! Just being in the moment, completely present is one of the many ways you can wrap yourself up in the passion for your profession!

I married my passion (being caustic) with my profession (surf journalism) though remain un-impersonated.

Back to the new claim, though, who will roll out at Lower Trestles?