Slings of outrage!

Cornwall, England, home to Cornish cream tea and Cornish pasties, is not the sort of place one would imagine falling into barbarity. Its gentlemen are typically polite, doffing their caps to passing ladies who curtsy in response. Its young lads take nans by the hand, guiding them home from the corner market with baskets full of farm fresh eggs, curds and whey. Bobbies wish “good day” to toffs, toffs to chimney sweeps and everyone gets along wonderfully.

Quaint and lovely or, at least, it was quaint and lovely until a local charitable organizations offered to donate a 5-metre bronze statue of a surfer to the town in honor of the 60th anniversary of surfing arriving in sunny south-west Britain. The problem? The city council, currently in a financial spot of bother, would have to pay for installation and maintenance at roughly 20,000 lbs, initially, with 2,500 lbs more each and every year.

While many are excited about the monument, others are furious that hard-earned coin will be going to a symbol of time wasting.

Monique Collins, the manager of Disc, a drop-in and share centre in Newquay, told The Guardian, “For council tax to go on a statue when so many people are struggling to eat properly or pay their bills is ridiculous.”

Kate Larsen, a Green party councillor, added, “It doesn’t feel right when that money could be spent on people who are really struggling in a cost of living crisis. I’m absolutely for beautifying the town, but I would rather funds go to ensuring the lowest-paid town council employees and contractors earn a real living wage and that we support local charities helping people in this perfect storm of stressful housing challenges, energy cost rises, and inflation.”

The Keogh Foundation, founded by the Newquay surf pioneers Stuart and Cherry Keogh, argued, on the other hand, that the “iconic structure pays homage to the deep and meaningful heritage of the surf culture in Newquay.”

Fiery vitriol not seen since the Battle of Braddock Down.

But, if you lived in Cornwall, where would you fall vis-à-vis the statue?

What if they carved Kelly Slater’s face into the bronze mash (pictured above)?

More as the story develops.

Exciting!

But here we are, now, under two weeks away from the potential kick-off of World Surf League final’s day, there on the cobbled stone of Lower Trestles. Excitement simmering at a heat low enough to guarantee no premature boil over.

Magical.

And dislike or hate the new format, rolled out for the first time last year, wherein the top five male surfers and the top five female surfers after Teahupo’o battle it out for the title of 2022 champion, it does provide interesting storylines where there would otherwise be none.

The prohibitive favorite, going in, for example, was local Filipe Toledo who is the consensus world’s best small wave surfer. He leads the rankings by a large margin and headed into his backyard, only having to surf one heat, seemed a guarantee.

Except.

Toledo put on one of the most embarrassing performances in sporting history out at the aforementioned Place of Broken Skills, watching two elderly gentlemen trade bombs underneath his priority because he was too afraid to paddle. The emotional toll of the incident on Toledo became apparent when he vigorously defended himself on social media, blaming the judges for his loss and declaring he was “stoked” on his showing.

Yikes.

To add fuel to fire, World Surf League CEO Erik Logan, in a sit down interview with ex-race car driver Danica Patrick declared, “I like having people believe in things bigger than themselves. A lot of my pathology in my life had been you can’t, you can’t, you can’t, you can’t, you can’t. And what I realized is that I was proving something to myself but then what I actually realized is that the joy came from actually watching other people see things that they can’t see.”

I don’t know what that means.

In any case, Filipe is in the top slot, Jack Robinson right below him in second, Ethan Ewing in third. The handsome Australian has been a revelation this year, beating Robinson at J-Bay, gaining steam. He is currently paying 10 – 1 and only has to beat either Kanoa Igarashi or a relatively uninspiring Italo Ferreira, then Robinson and a very fragile Toledo to win it all.

A Toledo haunted by failure.

By a shame that would cause a man from another time to slice his belly open, letting his guts spill out onto the floor.

So, are you going to get rich or are you going to die trying?

Pathology.

Harsh.

Central Florida’s surf community woke up rocked, this morning, when it was revealed that a man attempting to surf a water fountain in Disney World had been ejected by security. The “stunt” began to unfold around noon when the mid-20s-to-mid-30s-year-old tossed his yellowed egg into the fountain in front of Ron Jon’s surf shop and Lime Garage at Disney Springs and attempted to “paddle.”

He wore messy hair, floral trunks and a pair of binoculars around his neck.

Security was quick to the scene, removing the “surfer” from the property while onlookers gaped.

Disney watchers covering the story assumed the antic was an attempt to gain “social media clout,” the man to allegedly post a video of the fountain surfing to Instagram where followers could “like” and enjoy the zany juxtaposition.

Critics immediately pounced, decrying the scene as “uninventive” and calling the attention seeker the “most cliched social media leech since Dan Bilzerian.”

Bilzerian regularly poses with busty models and guns, captioning his photos “Don’t trust your gf with me, chapter 93” etc.

Not highbrow.

Reports quickly leaked that the same man had tried the same performance at a nearby Hilton hotel. Surfers in the area are advised to throw a rock into his egg if they see him attempt to reprise at any local beaches.

More as the story develops.