Surf fans to sleep easy tonight.

The world’s current number one surfer, Filipe Toledo, suffered a shock loss in the just-wrapped Outerknown Tahiti Pro greatly kerflummoxing fans around the globe. In his first heat, he bravely refused to paddle for monster waves, bobbing lonely out the back while two elderly gentlemen traded absolute bombs underneath his priority.

In his second heat, he came up against the less skilled of the aforementioned elderly gentlemen, rode two medium sized waves and lost thus being sent home in last place.

Fans here and there, again, immeasurably stunned as, once more, Toledo is the world’s current number one surfer. How could he possibly lose in such fashion to such competitors?

Well, a week or such on, it has finally been revealed that the judges were, in fact, to blame for the unfortunate business.

In a message posted to social media, Toledo penned, “Felt good going into the elimination round. Had to go against legend Nathan Hog that got the best wave of the heat! Congrats brother (fire emoji)!!!! Feel like my waves was better than 7s but super stoked with my performance…// trestles see you soon// Felt good going into the elimination round, but I ran into monster Nathan Hedge! I think my waves might have been a bit more noted, even more seeing some drums now! But happy with my performance! Thank you Jesus – see you at trestles (swords crossed emoji).

While there is light confusion about what “drums” the very talented Brazilian is seeing now, fans will sleep easy knowing that the all-but-certain 2022 champion is best in all conditions, any size.

Whew.

All is right.

Grom abuse.

The internet has exploded into righteous indignation as it has just been revealed a British surfer/father, out at the beach with his six-year-old son, made the boy walk to the family vacation rental all by himself. The story was first posted on parenting form mumsnet under the thread “Am I Being Unreasonable.”

After the young man showed up at the door declaring, “Daddy told me to come back on my own!” beaming pride. The mother, who uses the handle Throwauay wrote, “Could you get worked up about this or am I being precious? (Our family is staying at the top of an apartment block) and when you get outside the block, the beach is down three steep sets of stairs, through a narrow, very uneven and twisty alley, across a road and down some wooden steps. I’m livid because he’s six and there are any number of strangers and hazards between there and here.”

Furthermore, the deadbeat did not call to make sure the progeny had made it back safely.

Opinion was universally against the dad.

DelphiniumBlue declared, “Yes, the fact that he hasn’t even checked that he’s made it back, or warned you to look out for him…in a strange country, by the sea…That is so worrying.”

Mountainsunsets wrote, “YANBU [you are not being unreasonable]. Totally unacceptable.”

Crunchymum added, “I’d be utterly livid too. It’s unforgivable.”

Will you get on mumsnet and defend your water brother?

Truth be told, the original piece never said if the father was a surfer or not but I can’t imagine what other sort of person would be otherwise too occupied to walk a child a few blocks home.

Classic grom abuse.

More importantly, though, do you believe helicopter parenting grows healthy children or are you more of a Grizzly Adams man?

More as the story develops.

Miracle workers.

Surfers, around the globe, had a terrible scare this week as World Surf League CEO Erik Logan suffered a life-threatening reef injury in Tahiti, underwent an emergency stabilizing procedure at the hands of deputy commissioner Renato Hickel and head judge Pritamo Ahrendt then disappeared.

In a moment of weakness, I lightly questioned whether Hickel was qualified to rub lemon or lime into Logan’s wounds and whether Ahrendt was certified to provide commentary and now deep shame rests upon my bowed head as Logan resurfaced with a bandaged foot and, though it appeared as if he had been crying, had a smile on his face.

But of course he was alive and well-ish because of course Hickel and Ahrendt knew what they were doing because of course they are surfers.

The best.

And as if to punctuate surfer heroism and my own shame, two brave San Francisco surfers just yesterday pulled a dead man from Ocean Beach’s frigid waters and brought him back to life on the sand.

Whoa.

The scene unfolded at 9:30 in the morning when the two aforementioned surfers saw an elderly man floating face down in the surf. They paddled him in while bystanders on shore called 911. When medics arrived, they discovered he had no pulse but they bashed on his chest, or whatever is recommended these days, enough to snap a light heartbeat.

He was loaded into the ambulance in critical condition, unloaded at the hospital in serious condition.

A proper improvement.

Surfers.

Sometimes angry enough to drown a fellow man. Sometimes beneficent enough to bring one back from the dead.