Artist rendition of proposed statue.
Artist rendition of proposed statue.

Quaint British seaside town falls into barbarous unrest as residents debate whether or not to erect statue of surfer: “No way is I paying my hard-earned fivers and tenners for a monument to some dodgy tosser skiving his life away!”

Slings of outrage!

Cornwall, England, home to Cornish cream tea and Cornish pasties, is not the sort of place one would imagine falling into barbarity. Its gentlemen are typically polite, doffing their caps to passing ladies who curtsy in response. Its young lads take nans by the hand, guiding them home from the corner market with baskets full of farm fresh eggs, curds and whey. Bobbies wish “good day” to toffs, toffs to chimney sweeps and everyone gets along wonderfully.

Quaint and lovely or, at least, it was quaint and lovely until a local charitable organizations offered to donate a 5-metre bronze statue of a surfer to the town in honor of the 60th anniversary of surfing arriving in sunny south-west Britain. The problem? The city council, currently in a financial spot of bother, would have to pay for installation and maintenance at roughly 20,000 lbs, initially, with 2,500 lbs more each and every year.

While many are excited about the monument, others are furious that hard-earned coin will be going to a symbol of time wasting.

Monique Collins, the manager of Disc, a drop-in and share centre in Newquay, told The Guardian, “For council tax to go on a statue when so many people are struggling to eat properly or pay their bills is ridiculous.”

Kate Larsen, a Green party councillor, added, “It doesn’t feel right when that money could be spent on people who are really struggling in a cost of living crisis. I’m absolutely for beautifying the town, but I would rather funds go to ensuring the lowest-paid town council employees and contractors earn a real living wage and that we support local charities helping people in this perfect storm of stressful housing challenges, energy cost rises, and inflation.”

The Keogh Foundation, founded by the Newquay surf pioneers Stuart and Cherry Keogh, argued, on the other hand, that the “iconic structure pays homage to the deep and meaningful heritage of the surf culture in Newquay.”

Fiery vitriol not seen since the Battle of Braddock Down.

But, if you lived in Cornwall, where would you fall vis-à-vis the statue?

What if they carved Kelly Slater’s face into the bronze mash (pictured above)?

More as the story develops.

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tim_nelsen
tim_nelsen
4 years ago

big inter’l tourney in my neck of the sand…have no idea what the prize is…don’t want to know! small sand bags = small burritos…big sand bags = less corrosion. Save The Sand!

Boat Docks
Boat Docks
4 years ago

That’s a pretty heavy statue

Piskian
Piskian
4 years ago

Do none of you buggers know enough
to know you know nothing?
Newquay’s not Cornwall.Winters neither.

channelbottom
channelbottom
4 years ago

Not sure who modelled for that but they really need to eat more.
No power surfing with that skeletal physique.

munnstrosity
munnstrosity
4 years ago

The Cardiff Kook is dead. Long live The Cornwall Kook.

ValiantScorn
ValiantScorn
4 years ago

You think jurdy will let oprah f him with a strap on too?

Hippy
Hippy
4 years ago
Reply to  ValiantScorn

worked for Elo…. any news on that front Chas?

ValiantScorn
ValiantScorn
4 years ago

Nope! Just a horrific car crash that hasn’t happened yet. That stuff u said is just u needling.

Dogsnuts
Dogsnuts
4 years ago

Chopes.

Low wide stinkbug stance
Low wide stinkbug stance
4 years ago

Lbs is short hand for the weight, not the unit of currency.

Chas Smith
Chas Smith
4 years ago

That was my Easter egg. You win!

AI (for ever) .
AI (for ever) .
4 years ago

It would make a lovely trophy for the winner of there next surf competition?

Stick man
Stick man
4 years ago

Turd surfer just needs some corn chunks on him/her/they.

Stick man
Stick man
4 years ago
Reply to  Stick man
InnerUnknown
InnerUnknown
4 years ago

From here on out, every time a bill comes in the mail, I’m going to look at my wife and proclaim that we are currently in a financial spot of bother.

Chas Smith
Chas Smith
4 years ago

Joe Biden? I don’t think so….

Beef & Beer
Beef & Beer
4 years ago

Is Cornwall’s antisemitism rearing it’s head again ?
Apparently Lewis Rosenberg (a Jewish man from London) built and rode his own 8′ pine board (stand-up) in Cornwall during the summer of 1929.

Or are they against those with Scottish heritage ?
A year earlier in 1928 the famous Sydney surf-rat Charles ‘Snowy’ Macalister had ridden Newquay’s unremarkable rollers while on a post-Olympic holiday tour.

What this statue stands for is when in 1962 four Aussie surf lifesavers (aka ‘clubbies’) turned up and started the (now longstanding) tradition of being chased from Newquay by irate husband’s and father’s after numerous ‘dalliances’ that ended in unplanned pregnancies…

tim_nelsen
tim_nelsen
4 years ago
Reply to  Beef & Beer

the current argument…

patrons sharing british pub steaks imported from NZ, fine Scottish Whiskey and arguing over the basis of balsa vs foam…then, aluminum vs steel…

https://suburbanmen.com/wp-…

Wotusay
Wotusay
4 years ago

“Cornish pasties”? I’d visit if women walked around wearing those. I didn’t know it was a thing there.

disqus_00d1gIXedO
disqus_00d1gIXedO
4 years ago
Reply to  Wotusay

You’d probably be blinded by the white though. There’d be some exceptionally pasty-white flesh, fueled by bangers and mash, on the revealed-but-should-be-hidden-away spectrum

channelbottom
channelbottom
4 years ago
Reply to  Wotusay

Not a patch on an ‘onion bridie’ from the mid east coast of Scotland.

Manuka
Manuka
4 years ago

Chazz Michael Michaels
Chazz Michael Michaels
4 years ago

The description of England is the England you would live in Chas, no-one else.

But aside from that I would be in full support of a statue of Russell Winter, and I find it very, very hard to believe that the people of Cornwall, who appreciate the true spirit of surfing, would not be 100% behind that.

I’ve fucking loved Russell Winter ever since he took his top off in a club in Thurso and ran around screaming in people’s faces that he was their daddy or something.

He did get an all-time barrel at Brimms that day in the final of a 6 star QS and win a sword, so fair enough.

Jimmy the Saint
Jimmy the Saint
4 years ago

I like how he threatened some yobbos with the same sword a few years later!

Chas Smith
Chas Smith
4 years ago

I can’t wait to move to that version of England!

Beef & Beer
Beef & Beer
4 years ago

Russell can’t have taken off his ‘top’ while running around in a Truro nightclub screaming in people’s faces, as ‘tops’ are what girls, ladies and women wear.

Surely he’d been wearing a ‘shirt’ like other men do, even when he had golden pirate earrings in both ears back in the old days.

Men don’t call their shirts ‘tops’.
Russell would’ve taken off his ‘shirt’…

Chazz Michael Michaels
Chazz Michael Michaels
4 years ago
Reply to  Beef & Beer

Pedantic, but you’re right.

I meant to write “blouse”.

Cannabis-Creativity
Cannabis-Creativity
4 years ago

When cutting off a kook in Cornwall, is it customary to say, with polite inflection, “Sorry.”

Com Turren
Com Turren
4 years ago

Build the statue in Elo’s image. Rip Curl WSL Finals 2023: Cornwall has a nice ring to it.

Occ Topus
Occ Topus
4 years ago

If they made the statue of Glen “Micro” Hall, it could be half the size of a regular person, therefore half the cost. Also, he’s from the UK. Win, win.

Jimmy the Saint
Jimmy the Saint
4 years ago
Reply to  Occ Topus

I think you might be confusing the UK with the Republic of Ireland

Hippy
Hippy
4 years ago

same ol same ol…. who can tell the diff anyway? Girls are easy, boys paper tigers. Some isles talk with a mouth full of marshmellows in an Aussie accent. Some get drunk on hiking trips and return bloodied days early due to weather. Always warm piss to skull. Disgusting food, but easy chicks. You know the words, but it takes minutes to understand them assembled so poorly. Yes, fascination with some ol queen or other. Charles do you ever crave….

tim_nelsen
tim_nelsen
4 years ago
Reply to  Hippy

…your Son’s wife?


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