Brave bull and honest lover, Tyler Stanaland, centre.

“World’s most handsome” professional surfer, who is married to popular TV star, swept up in wild cheating drama with sexy single mom on Netflix hit, Selling the OC, “I pretty much cried every single scene…I was cringing, not gonna lie”

Derek Rielly

By Derek Rielly

Of course, she who is without sin cast the first stone as it is quickly revealed every gal in the office has been offering their ovum to his supersonic spermatozoa.

Following the wild success of Selling Sunset, a real estate television show where women who are the product of surgical virtuosos schlep expensive houses in Los Angeles, Netflix has shifted its focus south to surfing’s own Orange County, where you might see Matt Biolos…and…Griffin Colapinto in the one day.

Selling the OC follows the travails of the Oppenheim Group as it sets up a realty outpost in Newport Beach, once home to the Californian HQs of Hurley, Billabong and Quiksilver, and still home to shredder Andrew Doheny and the avant-garde longboard specialist Alex Knost.

It is a very good show, at least for a lonely man of middle age like me, because I have a fascination for women with faces like cold piss who dress like hookers on their last dime and who are ready, at the slightest provocation, to tear the hair from the head of whomever they perceive as an enemy.

The star of the show is the former pro surfer Tyler Stanaland, thirty-three, handsome as can be, married to TV star Brittany Snow, the sort of creature adored by the homosexuals and also highly sought after by women.

And he is, by any measure, a surfer of great skill.

 

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A post shared by Tyler Stanaland (@tylerstanaland)

The show peaks when vaguely sexy single mom Kayla Cardona has a couple of swings at luring the very married Stanaland into a possible fornication causing much ruckus in the office and proving the maxim that the only difference between harassment and flirtation is how hot you are.

To wit, Cardona isn’t perceived as a high-value female as compared to various former models etc.

“We’re all crazy. One thing leads to another and we all get very flirtatious with each other,” Cardona, who has a fifteen-year-old son, explained post-show in some sorta Netflix interview. “And me being a single woman for a very long time, I felt some sort of reciprocation from Tyler flirting back… I am not a home-wrecker and I am not a husband fucker.”

Fans of Stanaland’s famous wife, almost three million of ‘em on Instagram, called out her husband for giving the office girls the impression this particular bull was available.

Do you mind seeing your husband cuddle with women (doing the nosey) and have these same women sit on his lap?

You deserve better, he is not respecting you

 

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A post shared by Brittany Snow (@brittanysnow)

I kept double checking the whole time he was the one married bc he was not acting like it on that Netflix show ..SAD

He is embarrassing you on this Netflix show hun..

Etc.

Of course, she who is without sin cast the first stone as it is quickly revealed everyone in the office has been offering their ovum to his supersonic spermatozoa.

Watch now.

Essential.

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Smith (pictured) looking like Logan.

World Surf League CEO Erik Logan credited by South African superstar Jordy Smith for inspiring bold new claim: “Jordy said, ‘I saw you do this when I was in the pit, so it did it! Hahaha!'”

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Froth overload!

Be honest. How many times are you lovingly mimicked monthly? Or, mimicked may not be the right word. Affectionately parodied. No, no, not that either. Lampooned. Drat. Well, you know what I mean. How often do people do what you do because it is exceptionally suave and they want to walk like you, talk like you, learn to be someone like you too while also learning the secrets of man’s red flower?

I would imagine not often but, then again, none of us here is the CEO of the World Surf League Erik Logan.

The Oklahoma native was in Tahiti for the semi-recent Outerknown Pro where he was almost brought low due a life-threatening reef injury but before, or maybe after, he inspired a brand new claim from South African superstar Jordy Smith.

Per Logan’s Instagram:

Finding a way to marry your passion with your profession is something people often ask for and strive to achieve. It’s probably the #1 question I get all the time. In reality, I think you can make ANY profession your passion. It’s all how you choose to frame and channel your energy toward it. I’m so blessed to love this sport, our athletes, and our company and at times my passion overflows! (As evidenced by this video!).

Jordy sent this video to me at the end of the Teahupo’o competition, and you see me in my blue jacket and white hat. Jordy said, “I saw you do this when I was in the pit, so it did it! Hahaha”. Froth overload! Just being in the moment, completely present is one of the many ways you can wrap yourself up in the passion for your profession!

I married my passion (being caustic) with my profession (surf journalism) though remain un-impersonated.

Back to the new claim, though, who will roll out at Lower Trestles?

Exciting.

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Artist rendition of proposed statue.
Artist rendition of proposed statue.

Quaint British seaside town falls into barbarous unrest as residents debate whether or not to erect statue of surfer: “No way is I paying my hard-earned fivers and tenners for a monument to some dodgy tosser skiving his life away!”

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Slings of outrage!

Cornwall, England, home to Cornish cream tea and Cornish pasties, is not the sort of place one would imagine falling into barbarity. Its gentlemen are typically polite, doffing their caps to passing ladies who curtsy in response. Its young lads take nans by the hand, guiding them home from the corner market with baskets full of farm fresh eggs, curds and whey. Bobbies wish “good day” to toffs, toffs to chimney sweeps and everyone gets along wonderfully.

Quaint and lovely or, at least, it was quaint and lovely until a local charitable organizations offered to donate a 5-metre bronze statue of a surfer to the town in honor of the 60th anniversary of surfing arriving in sunny south-west Britain. The problem? The city council, currently in a financial spot of bother, would have to pay for installation and maintenance at roughly 20,000 lbs, initially, with 2,500 lbs more each and every year.

While many are excited about the monument, others are furious that hard-earned coin will be going to a symbol of time wasting.

Monique Collins, the manager of Disc, a drop-in and share centre in Newquay, told The Guardian, “For council tax to go on a statue when so many people are struggling to eat properly or pay their bills is ridiculous.”

Kate Larsen, a Green party councillor, added, “It doesn’t feel right when that money could be spent on people who are really struggling in a cost of living crisis. I’m absolutely for beautifying the town, but I would rather funds go to ensuring the lowest-paid town council employees and contractors earn a real living wage and that we support local charities helping people in this perfect storm of stressful housing challenges, energy cost rises, and inflation.”

The Keogh Foundation, founded by the Newquay surf pioneers Stuart and Cherry Keogh, argued, on the other hand, that the “iconic structure pays homage to the deep and meaningful heritage of the surf culture in Newquay.”

Fiery vitriol not seen since the Battle of Braddock Down.

But, if you lived in Cornwall, where would you fall vis-à-vis the statue?

What if they carved Kelly Slater’s face into the bronze mash (pictured above)?

More as the story develops.

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A classic old Dole advertisement, harking back to a simpler time etc.

Fast-food lovers in shock following explosive claim “the heavy association between Hawai’i and pineapples (ie. Hawai’ian pizza) is racist, exploitative paradise propaganda!”

Derek Rielly

By Derek Rielly

“When you visit the Dole plantation here on O'ahu or buy a Dole pineapple, you're supporting the legacy of Hawai'i's colonizers.”

A popular activist on Twitter has set the fast-food world on its heels, as well as island tourists, by claiming the “heavy association between Hawai’i and pineapples (Hawaiian pizza) is racist, exploitative paradise propaganda!”

oni ku’ulei, a twenty-four-year-old “Black/Kānaka Maoli bisexual beauty”, pronouns she/her, laid out her explosive tract in a Twitter thread, her opening gambit generating a wild 34.5k likes, 7,866 retweets and 173 comments.

When you visit the Dole plantation here on O’ahu or buy a Dole pineapple, you’re supporting the legacy of Hawai’i’s colonizers. Just some fruit for thought…

Here’s your reminder that the heavy association between Hawai’i & pineapples (“Hawaiian” pizza, etc) is racist, exploitive paradise propaganda. Pineapples are used to sell the fantasy of a tropical Hawaiian utopia to tourists. Factually, pineapples are native to South America.

Sanford B. Dole advocated for the colonization, or “westernization” of Hawaiian land, ppl, culture, & gvmt. Successfully. He was the first “president” of Hawai’i in 1894, despite Hawai’i not being officially annexed (STOLEN) until 1898. The Doles ended up in Hawai’i after his…

… great grandfather set out for Hawai’i as a Christian missionary with the intent to obliterate Native Hawaiian culture, beliefs, rituals, etc. James Dole, Sanford’s brother, is responsible for the pineapple industry in Hawai’i (circa 1901). Business was good! Eventually…Dole needed to keep up with labor demands. The Native Hawaiian population was severely incapacitated due to the disease that colonizers brought to the islands, an issue that still affects Hawai’i to this day. So, Dole hired and transported plantation workers from…the Philippines, Japan, China, & Portugal. This is why many Hwns have mixtures of these ethnicities (like me — Black, Hwn, Chinese, Filipina). Why almost all settler families are from those places. It has a lot to do with why the stereotypical visual of a Hawaiian is Asiatic.

On Hawai’i being a paradise utopia — Hawai’i does not only exist in the vacation of your dreams. Hawai’i is a real place, w/ real people, and the indigenous population is struggling. Houselessness, drug addiction, poverty, food insecurity, no livable wage, & rent is high AF.

Here’s a fun fact, it’s no longer cost effective to grow Dole pineapples in Hawai’i. They now grow the majority of their stock in the Philippines and are able to profitably reap the benefits of the perfect Hawaiian fantasy/facade. Dole made $9.3b in 2021.

Of course, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t visit the Dole pineapple plantation while visiting Oahu, the train ride, the plantation garden tour, the chocolate-making demos as well as the three-acre pineapple maze a treat for young and old and all very well priced at thirteen dollars for adults and seven dollars for kids.

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The Hoya Destroya (pictured) on way to bank.
The Hoya Destroya (pictured) on way to bank.

Surfers looking to get rich quick flock to betting sites and throw money on Ethan Ewing, gambling that handsome Australian will continue storybook run and smash “emotionally and otherwise fragile” Filipe Toledo in WSL Finals!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

Exciting!

But here we are, now, under two weeks away from the potential kick-off of World Surf League final’s day, there on the cobbled stone of Lower Trestles. Excitement simmering at a heat low enough to guarantee no premature boil over.

Magical.

And dislike or hate the new format, rolled out for the first time last year, wherein the top five male surfers and the top five female surfers after Teahupo’o battle it out for the title of 2022 champion, it does provide interesting storylines where there would otherwise be none.

The prohibitive favorite, going in, for example, was local Filipe Toledo who is the consensus world’s best small wave surfer. He leads the rankings by a large margin and headed into his backyard, only having to surf one heat, seemed a guarantee.

Except.

Toledo put on one of the most embarrassing performances in sporting history out at the aforementioned Place of Broken Skills, watching two elderly gentlemen trade bombs underneath his priority because he was too afraid to paddle. The emotional toll of the incident on Toledo became apparent when he vigorously defended himself on social media, blaming the judges for his loss and declaring he was “stoked” on his showing.

Yikes.

To add fuel to fire, World Surf League CEO Erik Logan, in a sit down interview with ex-race car driver Danica Patrick declared, “I like having people believe in things bigger than themselves. A lot of my pathology in my life had been you can’t, you can’t, you can’t, you can’t, you can’t. And what I realized is that I was proving something to myself but then what I actually realized is that the joy came from actually watching other people see things that they can’t see.”

I don’t know what that means.

In any case, Filipe is in the top slot, Jack Robinson right below him in second, Ethan Ewing in third. The handsome Australian has been a revelation this year, beating Robinson at J-Bay, gaining steam. He is currently paying 10 – 1 and only has to beat either Kanoa Igarashi or a relatively uninspiring Italo Ferreira, then Robinson and a very fragile Toledo to win it all.

A Toledo haunted by failure.

By a shame that would cause a man from another time to slice his belly open, letting his guts spill out onto the floor.

So, are you going to get rich or are you going to die trying?

Pathology.

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Photo: Jack English
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