Hill (left) and surf instructor making poetry last
year.
World’s most romantic surfer Jonah Hill
shames frigid boyfriends, husbands worldwide by making sweet love
poetry to surf instructor girlfriend on Malibu’s sacred sand!
Is there anything better than young-ish California
love toward the end of summer? Those who are familiar with
the Golden State will certainly agree that this time of year holds
much magic. The water is warmer, sunsets more colorful, vibe just
right. Tourists, for the most part, have gone home and a real sense
of freedom reigns.
Freedom to hold hands whilst riding Disneyland rollercoasters,
freedom to write sweet notes and leave them on windshields, freedom
to smooch on the beach with not a care in the world.
The problem is, too many California men are frigid, forgetting
to buy flowers, chocolates, publicly display affection with the
ones they love. The same can be said, I suppose, for men worldwide
but leave it to the globe’s most romantic surfer, Jonah Hill, to
shame all by taking his surf instructor girlfriend on a Malibu walk
and smothering her in sweetness.
While wearing, it appears, Birdwell Beach Britches in valentine
red.
Oh you must examine the snaps
here but Hill is, yet again, setting the bar very high
for our kind. And, please be honest, when was the last time you did
anything charming for the man or woman of your life and was it
really charming?
Like, better than a gift certificate to TGI Fridays or half off
a Thai massage from down the street.
Brave bull and honest lover, Tyler Stanaland,
centre.
“World’s most handsome” professional
surfer, who is married to popular TV star, swept up in wild
cheating drama with sexy single mom on Netflix hit, Selling the OC,
“I pretty much cried every single scene…I was cringing, not gonna
lie”
Of course, she who is without sin cast the first
stone as it is quickly revealed every gal in the office has been
offering their ovum to his supersonic spermatozoa.
Following the wild success of Selling Sunset, a real
estate television show where women who are the product of surgical
virtuosos schlep expensive houses in Los Angeles, Netflix has
shifted its focus south to surfing’s own Orange County,
where you might see Matt Biolos…and…Griffin Colapinto in
the one day.
It is a very good show, at least for a lonely man of middle age
like me, because I have a fascination for women with faces like
cold piss who dress like hookers on their last dime and who are
ready, at the slightest provocation, to tear the hair from the head
of whomever they perceive as an enemy.
The star of the show is the former pro surfer Tyler Stanaland,
thirty-three, handsome as can be, married to TV star Brittany Snow,
the sort of creature adored by the homosexuals and also highly
sought after by women.
And he is, by any measure, a surfer of great skill.
The show peaks when vaguely sexy single mom Kayla Cardona has a
couple of swings at luring the very married Stanaland into a
possible fornication causing much ruckus in the office and proving
the maxim that the only difference between harassment and
flirtation is how hot you are.
To wit, Cardona isn’t perceived as a high-value female as
compared to various former models etc.
“We’re all crazy. One thing leads to another and we all get very
flirtatious with each other,” Cardona, who has a fifteen-year-old
son, explained post-show in some sorta Netflix interview. “And me
being a single woman for a very long time, I felt some sort of
reciprocation from Tyler flirting back… I am not a
home-wrecker and I am not a husband fucker.”
Fans of Stanaland’s famous wife, almost three million of ‘em on
Instagram, called out her husband for giving the office girls the
impression this particular bull was available.
Do you mind seeing your husband cuddle with women (doing the
nosey) and have these same women sit on his lap?
I kept double checking the whole time he was the one married
bc he was not acting like it on that Netflix show ..SAD
He is embarrassing you on this Netflix show hun..
Etc.
Of course, she who is without sin cast the first stone as it is
quickly revealed everyone in the office has been offering their
ovum to his supersonic spermatozoa.
Watch now.
Essential.
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Smith (pictured) looking like Logan.
World Surf League CEO Erik Logan credited
by South African superstar Jordy Smith for inspiring bold new
claim: “Jordy said, ‘I saw you do this when I was in the pit, so it
did it! Hahaha!'”
Be honest. How many times are you lovingly
mimicked monthly? Or, mimicked may not be the right word.
Affectionately parodied. No, no, not that either. Lampooned. Drat.
Well, you know what I mean. How often do people do what you do
because it is exceptionally suave and they want to walk like you,
talk like you, learn to be someone like you too while also learning
the secrets of man’s red flower?
I would imagine not often but, then again, none of us here is
the CEO of the World Surf League Erik Logan.
The Oklahoma native was in Tahiti for the semi-recent Outerknown
Pro where he was almost brought low due a life-threatening reef
injury but before, or maybe after, he inspired a brand new claim
from South African superstar Jordy Smith.
Finding a way to marry your passion with your profession
is something people often ask for and strive to achieve. It’s
probably the #1 question I get all the time. In reality, I think
you can make ANY profession your passion. It’s all how you choose
to frame and channel your energy toward it. I’m so blessed to love
this sport, our athletes, and our company and at times my passion
overflows! (As evidenced by this video!).
Jordy sent this video to me at the end of the Teahupo’o
competition, and you see me in my blue jacket and white hat. Jordy
said, “I saw you do this when I was in the pit, so it did it!
Hahaha”. Froth overload! Just being in the moment, completely
present is one of the many ways you can wrap yourself up in the
passion for your profession!
I married my passion (being caustic) with my profession (surf
journalism) though remain un-impersonated.
Back to the new claim, though, who will roll out at Lower
Trestles?
Exciting.
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Artist rendition of proposed statue.
Quaint British seaside town falls into
barbarous unrest as residents debate whether or not to erect statue
of surfer: “No way is I paying my hard-earned fivers and tenners
for a monument to some dodgy tosser skiving his life away!”
Cornwall, England, home to Cornish cream tea
and Cornish pasties, is not the sort of place one would imagine
falling into barbarity. Its gentlemen are typically polite, doffing
their caps to passing ladies who curtsy in response. Its young lads
take nans by the hand, guiding them home from the corner market
with baskets full of farm fresh eggs, curds and whey. Bobbies wish
“good day” to toffs, toffs to chimney sweeps and everyone gets
along wonderfully.
Quaint and lovely or, at least, it was quaint and lovely until a
local charitable organizations offered to donate a 5-metre bronze
statue of a surfer to the town in honor of the 60th anniversary of
surfing arriving in sunny south-west Britain. The problem? The city
council, currently in a financial spot of bother, would have to pay
for installation and maintenance at roughly 20,000 lbs, initially,
with 2,500 lbs more each and every year.
While many are excited about the monument, others are furious
that hard-earned coin will be going to a symbol of time
wasting.
Monique Collins, the manager of Disc, a drop-in and share centre
in Newquay, told The Guardian,
“For council tax to go on a statue when so many people are
struggling to eat properly or pay their bills is ridiculous.”
Kate Larsen, a Green party councillor, added, “It doesn’t feel
right when that money could be spent on people who are really
struggling in a cost of living crisis. I’m absolutely for
beautifying the town, but I would rather funds go to ensuring the
lowest-paid town council employees and contractors earn a real
living wage and that we support local charities helping people in
this perfect storm of stressful housing challenges, energy cost
rises, and inflation.”
The Keogh Foundation, founded by the Newquay surf pioneers
Stuart and Cherry Keogh, argued, on the other hand, that the
“iconic structure pays homage to the deep and meaningful heritage
of the surf culture in Newquay.”
Fiery vitriol not seen since the Battle of Braddock Down.
But, if you lived in Cornwall, where would you fall vis-à-vis
the statue?
What if they carved Kelly Slater’s face into the bronze mash
(pictured above)?
More as the story develops.
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A classic old Dole advertisement, harking back
to a simpler time etc.
Fast-food lovers in shock following
explosive claim “the heavy association between Hawai’i and
pineapples (ie. Hawai’ian pizza) is racist, exploitative paradise
propaganda!”
“When you visit the Dole plantation here on O'ahu
or buy a Dole pineapple, you're supporting the legacy of Hawai'i's
colonizers.”
A popular activist on Twitter has set the fast-food
world on its heels, as well as island tourists, by claiming the
“heavy association between Hawai’i and pineapples (Hawaiian pizza)
is racist, exploitative paradise propaganda!”
oni ku’ulei, a twenty-four-year-old “Black/Kānaka Maoli bisexual
beauty”, pronouns she/her, laid out her explosive tract in a
Twitter thread, her opening gambit generating a wild 34.5k likes,
7,866 retweets and 173 comments.
When you visit the Dole plantation here on O’ahu or buy a
Dole pineapple, you’re supporting the legacy of Hawai’i’s
colonizers. Just some fruit for thought…
Here’s your reminder that the heavy
association between Hawai’i & pineapples (“Hawaiian” pizza, etc) is
racist, exploitive paradise propaganda. Pineapples are used to sell
the fantasy of a tropical Hawaiian utopia to tourists. Factually,
pineapples are native to South America. 🧵
Here’s your reminder that the heavy association between
Hawai’i & pineapples (“Hawaiian” pizza, etc) is racist, exploitive
paradise propaganda. Pineapples are used to sell the fantasy of a
tropical Hawaiian utopia to tourists. Factually, pineapples are
native to South America.
Sanford B. Dole advocated for the colonization, or
“westernization” of Hawaiian land, ppl, culture, & gvmt.
Successfully. He was the first “president” of Hawai’i in 1894,
despite Hawai’i not being officially annexed (STOLEN) until 1898.
The Doles ended up in Hawai’i after his…
… great grandfather set out for Hawai’i as a Christian
missionary with the intent to obliterate Native Hawaiian culture,
beliefs, rituals, etc. James Dole, Sanford’s brother, is
responsible for the pineapple industry in Hawai’i (circa 1901).
Business was good! Eventually…Dole needed to keep up with labor
demands. The Native Hawaiian population was severely incapacitated
due to the disease that colonizers brought to the islands, an issue
that still affects Hawai’i to this day. So, Dole hired and
transported plantation workers from…the Philippines,
Japan, China, & Portugal. This is why many Hwns have mixtures of
these ethnicities (like me — Black, Hwn, Chinese, Filipina). Why
almost all settler families are from those places. It has a lot to
do with why the stereotypical visual of a Hawaiian is
Asiatic.
On Hawai’i being a paradise utopia — Hawai’i does not only
exist in the vacation of your dreams. Hawai’i is a real place, w/
real people, and the indigenous population is struggling.
Houselessness, drug addiction, poverty, food insecurity, no livable
wage, & rent is high AF.
Here’s a fun fact, it’s no longer cost effective to grow
Dole pineapples in Hawai’i. They now grow the majority of their
stock in the Philippines and are able to profitably reap the
benefits of the perfect Hawaiian fantasy/facade. Dole made $9.3b in
2021.
Of course, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t visit the Dole
pineapple plantation while visiting Oahu, the train ride, the
plantation garden tour, the chocolate-making demos as well as the
three-acre pineapple maze a treat for young and old and all very
well priced at thirteen dollars for adults and seven dollars for
kids.
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Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by
@theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros
