Was this a hit?

Earlier today, the surf universe was shocked to learn that champion longboarder Joel Tudor had been brutally assaulted at his home break. Surveillance video appears to show the Duct Tape Invitational creator and style master being repeatedly beat on his knees, torso and buttocks by an alleged out-of-control stand-up paddleboarder’s naughty paddle.

As surf violence is on the rise, initial response to the disturbing video centered on the viciousness the SUP pilot intended to mete out on Tudor’s buttocks but has since turned to questions of why.

Who would do such a thing?

Wait.

Who would do such a thing?

Tudor had well-publicized beef with the World Surf League, earlier this year, wherein he called the home of professional surfing out for its performative equality and etc.

After a series of other hammers, the iconic longboarder and sitting world champion, was unceremoniously suspended, indefinitely.

Well, as it turns out, the World Surf League CEO is a notable SUP pilot and…

… oh stop. I am not presuming anything, here, just wondering.

Was this a hit?

Minority Report.

Almost four years ago we learned, here, about the “best boss in America.” Dan Price achieved fame for slashing his own CEO pay in order to give the employees of his credit card company a $70,000 per year minimum wage. He was hailed as a wonderful example of modern corporate generosity and chill vibes.

Also a noted “yacht surfer.”

Well, it turns out that Price has been accused of sexual abuse and various other naughty bits of bad behavior. A damning New York Times feature paints an unflattering portrait of the man along with with a recent New York Post piece which declares:

Earlier this year, Seattle prosecutors charged Price with misdemeanor assault and reckless driving after he allegedly attempted to kiss the woman following a business meeting and then grabbed her by the throat when she rejected his advances.

After the alleged altercation, Price purportedly drove to a parking lot and performed “doughnuts” in his Tesla while she was still in the car, according to the Seattle Times. Price pleaded not guilty to the charge in May and has denied wrongdoing.

“Mr. Price respects the legal process and is confident that he will be vindicated in court,” an attorney for the executive told the outlet earlier this year.

Creepy, if true, but also look at his picture (above).

I think it could be argued that any man who appears like that should be preemptively locked up.

And/or any man that does parking lot doughnuts in a Tesla.

Plus yacht surfs.

Precrime like Minority Report.

And I hear you thinking, “First they came for the young, long-haired (heavily-conditioned) CEOs with veneer grins and a penchant for selfies and I did not speak out – because I wasn’t a young, long-haired (heavily-conditioned) CEO with veneer grin or a penchant for selfies.”

But seriously.

Tesla doughnuts.

Putting the "master" back into Pipeline!

The World Surf League has been on a heavy, heavy equality push over the last handful of years and, whether you like it or not, somewhat admirably so. Attempting to level a playing field that has been tilted since forever. Women not getting a shot. Women being blamed for not getting a shot then not performing when bone is thrown or being thrown a fake bone that is called “real” (where WSL notably fails). Women asked to do better with a fraction of the resources to go, post up at critical waves, hire nutritionists, massage therapists, coaches, etc.

Vans, owned by VF and raking in one billion dollars year, has the extra scratch but seems to prefer posture and make-believe, performance, to actually making a difference.

In any case, and on the same theme, the canvas shoe juggernaut has partnered with premium surf magazine Stab in order to re-imagine the months-away Pipeline Masters. As you certainly recall, the world’s premier surf event is no longer part of the World Surf League. In some lofty wisdom, Pipeline now hosts the year’s first event though it is not the “masters,” rather the “pro,” with Lower Trestles becoming crown jewel.

New can be so wonderful and the new Pipeline Masters is set to be a progressive air show with new judging criteria, selection process, more locals, 40 men invited from across time, space, history and… only 20 women.

50%.

Not even the non-adjusted average female annual salary of around 80% the average male salary.

A very public and aggressive turning back of equality’s clock.

The definition of tokenization.

Protests erupting in streets.

But are you there holding a picket sign or simply excited for a re-imagined Master?