"Thievery of any kind is always wrong, but to go local on local, that’s really nasty."

It’s one thing to walk right into a Costco then walk right out with arms full of Hurley pants and Gerry Lopez landfill ready foam surfboards without paying. Quite another to walk right into a core surf shop and leave with local kine gear but that’s exactly what happened to Oshima Surf there on Maui’s middle bit.

Cameras caught two women loading up on surf-branded tees and, maybe, trucker hats then dashing through the door into the warm-ish air. According to Island News, “The shop’s general manager declined an interview but she mentioned the thieves took ‘a lot of stuff.'”

Rage percolated quickly.

“Thievery of any kind is always wrong, but to go local on local, that’s really nasty. That’s going to be some bachi there, for the thieves,” Maui local Leona Kushi declared. “I think to steal from those smaller businesses that work really hard to maintain their business, especially with Hawai’i’s economy, makes it even more of a stab, you know,” surf clothing aficionado Rynn Viloria said.

The balance of opposites.

There is no telling what sort of punishment the mob will deliver once the bad bachi bitches are caught but do you have any suggestions?

I do. I think they should be forced to subscribe to disgraced former World Surf League CEO Erik Logan’s Substack and read each and every of his offerings including, but not limited to, the latest entitled “Who’s Your Yoda” and beginning thusly:

1989. I’m a senior at Northwest Classen High School, working full-time as the nighttime DJ, emceeing concerts, and having the time of my life. Given my hectic schedule of school and baseball, I would usually get to my DJ job around 6:45 pm for a 7 pm shift, and usually nobody else would be around. One night, as I was rolling into the station’s parking lot on the south side of Oklahoma City, covered in red dirt from the baseball game, I noticed an unusual number of cars.

Like red hot pokers in the eyeballs.

"The investigation will look into how the actor obtained the anaesthetic ketamine found in his system."

Tragedy struck hard, seven months ago, when the 54-year-old Canadian-American Matthew Perry was found unresponsive in his Pacific Palisades hot tub. The beloved actor, best known for bringing Chandler Bing to life on the sitcom Friends, had long struggled with substance abuse and the toxicology report, released weeks later, revealed cause of death to be drowning likely brought on by having too much ketamine in his system.

Surfers, worldwide, mourned as the dry witted Perry had just been rehabilitated after being extremely mean to surf icon Keanu Reeves but then, beautifully, walking back wishing the Point Break star dead.

The whole matter was then laid to rest until yesterday, when the Los Angeles Police Department, U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration and U.S. Postal Inspection Service opened up a probe into where the aforementioned ketamine had come from and how Perry had accessed such a great quantity.

Suspicion immediately swung toward the surf world. While it was assumed each and every surfer had forgiven Perry for wondering “Why is it that the original thinkers like River Phoenix and Heath Ledger die, but Keanu Reeves still walks among us?” might there have been one or two bad apples who had not?

Surfers are, of course, known derelicts and it would make much sense if the drug had come from a beach-adjacent source. Surf great Kelly Slater once even bemoaned the prevalence of illicit substances on the professional surf tour, saying, “drugs are everywhere.”

Even more sense what with potential motive in play.

Thoughts?

More as the story develops either way.

Where's Filipe?

Modern professional surfing is currently in what experts are calling its “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” phase. We have Kelly Slater, who has hung on way too long. We have John John Florence, who hung it up way too early. And we have Carissa Moore who has done it just right. You, of course, recall when the ever classy Hawaiian declared that she would be stepping away from the tour at the beginning of the year. That she would also be representing the United States, again, in the Olympics hoping for back to back gold.

“My favorite rides, the greatest thrills have come when I’ve paddled over the ledge even though my heart or my head is telling me not to, you know?” she gamely declared at the time. “The anxiety comes from ‘am I going to show up?’ I just want to be proud of myself. I want, at the end of the day, to be like, ‘Ok, I did my best. And I rose to the occasion,’ you know?”

Well, in a perfect turn, Moore has accepted a wildcard into the hours away Tahiti Pro. The 2024 Games will, maybe not coincidentally, be held at the exact same reef shelf in two-ish month’s time. A who’s who of surf celebrities celebrated the news via Instagram.

Shaper to the stars Matt Biolos offered, “Pedal to the metal.”

Post surf interview maestra AJ McCord added, “We love to see it!!! Have so much fun Riss.”

Big wave stud Shane Dorian penned, “It’s time” while adding a robust flexed arm likely juiced with the very latest in recovery aids.

While Moore’s decision is perfect, like each previous, there is still silence in Filipe Toledo’s camp. The timid small wave surfer will also be Olympic surfing and has already made a name for himself at the Cave of Skulls by refusing to paddle when it gets scary.

Should he have screwed up enough courage to wildcard himself?

Obviously.

"Charlatans all. Including of course the plebeian aspiring surf stars who whore themselves out to the lowest bidder."

Nina Dobrev, the longtime actress girlfriend of snowboard spectacular Shaun White is currently receiving care in a hospital after suffering a gruesome accident on an electric bicycle. The Canadian, who made a name for herself on The Vampire Diaries, had shared a self portrait straddling the machine, cheekily penning “How it started vs how it’s going” underneath.

The next slide should have included a trigger warning. The 35-year-old is lying on a hospital bed, possibly emergency room, with a neck brace, knee brace and maybe bicep brace.

While not explaining what led to the accident, fans were quick to point out that she wasn’t wearing a helmet though her head does seem to be in working condition. Others, more famous like Sophia Bush, who recently came out as queer, wrote, “Nooooo! You poor babe,” while Dancing with the Stars’ Julianne Hough added, “That’s my girl! 🫠 Obviously wouldn’t make jokes if you were not ok…”

It was not necessarily obvious to those who know neither starlet.

BeachGrit readers will recall the e-bike furor that engulfed our surfing world two years ago when shaper Tyler Warren circulated a petition to have them banned at Lower Trestles. Andy St Onge, author, responded, “The recreational integrity of surfing has been so hopelessly degraded by the combined compounded impact of unrestrained commercialism with hordes of par venu kooks and their endless gear fetishes. Charlatans all. Including of course the plebeian aspiring surf stars who whore themselves out to the lowest bidder. Rabble kook scum one and all.”

BeachGrit readers will also recall when conservative longboard firebrand Joel Tudor posted a video of e-bikes becoming washed away and declared it, “the greatest moment in rewind history.”

So, after the latest Dobrev dustup, where do you stand on e-bikes? Still the future of transportation or a grave menace?

More as the story develops.