Tudor (left) tells the U.S. President Joe Biden to kiss his bottom.
Tudor (left) tells the U.S. President Joe Biden to kiss his bottom.

Surfing’s great polemicist Joel Tudor savages U.S. President Joe Biden over forgiven student loans

"That’s like buying a house and then asking for payments to be paid for by government….."

A debate is not well and truly underway until surfing’s great polemicist Joel Tudor swings in. And let us examine the United States’ president Joe Biden and his continued forgiveness of student loans. Yesterday, the leader of the free world announced he was erasing another $7.7 billion of debt. This followed $7.4 billion wiped off the books in April.

“From day one of my Administration, I promised to fight to ensure higher education is a ticket to the middle class, not a barrier to opportunity,” Biden gamely declared. “I will never stop working to cancel student debt – no matter how many times Republican elected officials try to stop us.”

While maybe not a Republican elected official, surf funnyman Jonathan Wayne Freeman posted a to-camera video to his much-loved Instagram page wherein he described a boy, presumably himself, who went to a college he couldn’t afford yet still signed on the dotted line, accepting low interest loans. Now, while he seemed to be sarcastically happy about the relief, he also slammed Biden teaching youngsters that irresponsibility is chill or some vague boomer thing.

Joel Tudor, always ready, immediately responded, “That’s like buying a house and then asking for payments to be paid for by government…..aka hard working tax payers – kiss my ass Joe Biden.”

Shockingly, not everyone was won over.

Movelikelove declared, “That is not the same thing at all That is a completely illogical equivalent. You can look up what logical fallacies you just used I’m not going to teach you for free given the content here. I’m a psychotherapist in my job benefits my community. Me buying a house isn’t benefiting the community. I can’t believe I had to explain that to you.”

Sargentscrapbook added, “How is that in any way similar? Seriously…you portray yourself as informed and knowledgeable. What regulations have been repealed and abused regarding compounded interest/inflated and predatory loan practices with in the higher education industry? How does the percentage of tax money spent of student debt interest forgiveness compare to the percentage of tax money spent on corporate and religious tax breaks? I know you’re not going to respond with any sort of rational, informed or practical thought. Don’t bother.”

Robmayers wondered, “Why get worked up about this? Instead of people paying the banks they now have some freed up money to buy things like your surfboards instead.”

And, lastly, going after both Tudor and J. Wayne Freeman himself, andrewlive stated, “I always love the Joe Rogan, 19-yr old bro, low-information political takes you have. But I love more the low-information libertarian surf mongoloid responses you get. Keep these brilliant, well-researched takes coming!”

Do you have any thoughts on student loan debt forgiveness? Please share.

Bad girls, bad girls, what you gonna do?
Bad girls, bad girls, what you gonna do?

Maui enraged after two women brazenly steal from core surf shop

"Thievery of any kind is always wrong, but to go local on local, that’s really nasty."

It’s one thing to walk right into a Costco then walk right out with arms full of Hurley pants and Gerry Lopez landfill ready foam surfboards without paying. Quite another to walk right into a core surf shop and leave with local kine gear but that’s exactly what happened to Oshima Surf there on Maui’s middle bit.

Cameras caught two women loading up on surf-branded tees and, maybe, trucker hats then dashing through the door into the warm-ish air. According to Island News, “The shop’s general manager declined an interview but she mentioned the thieves took ‘a lot of stuff.'”

Rage percolated quickly.

“Thievery of any kind is always wrong, but to go local on local, that’s really nasty. That’s going to be some bachi there, for the thieves,” Maui local Leona Kushi declared. “I think to steal from those smaller businesses that work really hard to maintain their business, especially with Hawai’i’s economy, makes it even more of a stab, you know,” surf clothing aficionado Rynn Viloria said.

The balance of opposites.

There is no telling what sort of punishment the mob will deliver once the bad bachi bitches are caught but do you have any suggestions?

I do. I think they should be forced to subscribe to disgraced former World Surf League CEO Erik Logan’s Substack and read each and every of his offerings including, but not limited to, the latest entitled “Who’s Your Yoda” and beginning thusly:

1989. I’m a senior at Northwest Classen High School, working full-time as the nighttime DJ, emceeing concerts, and having the time of my life. Given my hectic schedule of school and baseball, I would usually get to my DJ job around 6:45 pm for a 7 pm shift, and usually nobody else would be around. One night, as I was rolling into the station’s parking lot on the south side of Oklahoma City, covered in red dirt from the baseball game, I noticed an unusual number of cars.

Like red hot pokers in the eyeballs.

Matthew Perry (pictured) in hot tub.
Matthew Perry (pictured) in hot tub.

Suspicion falls on surf world after Matthew Perry’s tragic drowning elevated to criminal investigation

"The investigation will look into how the actor obtained the anaesthetic ketamine found in his system."

Tragedy struck hard, seven months ago, when the 54-year-old Canadian-American Matthew Perry was found unresponsive in his Pacific Palisades hot tub. The beloved actor, best known for bringing Chandler Bing to life on the sitcom Friends, had long struggled with substance abuse and the toxicology report, released weeks later, revealed cause of death to be drowning likely brought on by having too much ketamine in his system.

Surfers, worldwide, mourned as the dry witted Perry had just been rehabilitated after being extremely mean to surf icon Keanu Reeves but then, beautifully, walking back wishing the Point Break star dead.

The whole matter was then laid to rest until yesterday, when the Los Angeles Police Department, U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration and U.S. Postal Inspection Service opened up a probe into where the aforementioned ketamine had come from and how Perry had accessed such a great quantity.

Suspicion immediately swung toward the surf world. While it was assumed each and every surfer had forgiven Perry for wondering “Why is it that the original thinkers like River Phoenix and Heath Ledger die, but Keanu Reeves still walks among us?” might there have been one or two bad apples who had not?

Surfers are, of course, known derelicts and it would make much sense if the drug had come from a beach-adjacent source. Surf great Kelly Slater once even bemoaned the prevalence of illicit substances on the professional surf tour, saying, “drugs are everywhere.”

Even more sense what with potential motive in play.


More as the story develops either way.

Developing: World surf champ Filipe Toledo seen charging small Teahupoo in lead-up to Olympic showdown!

“Haters will hate but the dude charges harder than them…”

There is egg on the face of every surfer who’s ever been critical of Filipe Toledo’s ability to wrangle Teahupoo after the two-time world champ was spotted almost completing a four-foot tube there in the lead-up to July’s Olympic showdown.

Filipe Toledo, the twenty-nine-year-old San Clemente-based father of two, has long had to fend off suggestions he is scared of the joint after a series of underwhelming performances, including a zero-point heat total against Italo Ferreira in 2015 that was subsequently dubbed “A brave act of cowardice.”

In 2022, Filipe Toledo reprised his brave act of cowardice when he refused to paddle for a set wave in his heat against old-timers Kelly Slater and Nathan Hedge. 

In this year’s tour opener at Pipeline, and after an embarrassing 1.77 heat total in perfect six-foot barrels, Toledo withdrew from the event citing an unspecified illness. 

Memes were quickly assembled.

More worldly voices, most notably BeachGrit’s own Chas Smith have suggested, however, that this fear of abrupt barrelling waves has all been a front, a game of rope-a-dope with the world.

What if, asked Chas back in December, Filipe’s masterplan was to make the world think he was too scared to paddle into a set at Teahupoo and then, with Olympic gold on the line, create one of the most unlikely wins in Games history?

Well, dreams do come true, as they used to say in Disney movies. And, earlier today, Filipe Toledo released footage of a four-foot tube almost successfully ridden.

“Quick trip to Teahupoo with Team Brazil,” writes an upbeat Toledo, failing to mention his grave disappointment at missing last week’s ten-foot swell, which was enjoyed by teenagers and girls alike.

Some surf fans were thrilled with Toledo’s four-foot tube and celebrated the achievement on his Instagram.

“Haters will hate but the dude charges harder than them,” writes one.

“Haters are fans in denial. If you have haters, you are doing something right,” agreed another.

However, the expert wave forecaster James Frazerhurst threw a cat among the birdies when he asked the above gents, “Please explain wtf happened vs Slater and Hedge…vs Ferreira 2015?????????”

Toledo fans responded with the same sorta logic-defying gymnastics currently employed by Hamas apologists.

“You’re talking about a back to back world champion who definitely gets barrelled at world class waves. Acting like having bad heats and bad days is not human. That’s also happened to people like Slater and Andy and the greats many times as well. Besides you wouldn’t even think of paddling into some of hte waves this guy surfs.”

Frazerhurst shoots back, “Bummer than the bad/off days have been when the waves are thick and heavy. People watching and following along might get the wrong idea about his charging-ness! Lucky you are here to tell them they don’t surf as good as him.”

Then, another sceptic, Harpy–Harvey, arrives.

“Show me when Kelly or Andy never caught a wave in a heat because it was too heavy for them please.”

“Stop hating Harpy. Not good for the soul. Just ’cause it’s not his best strength doesn’t mean the dude is not capable. Also, I’m not gonna go digging for details for your satisfaction. It has happened multiple times. The best in the world see him as a threat in any conditions. He would rock you in any heat anywhere for sure.”

Harpy Harvey retorts, “You’re not digging because there’s nothing to dig. The best in the world fear him in EVERYTHING but heavy surf especially heavy lefts. No hate, just facts.”


“Did you just watch that video or nah?”

“The barely overhead wave? Lol.”

“You would shit yourself. That’s a critical slabbing Chopes wave on very shallow sharp reef.”

And, so on.

The exchange also includes a cameo from Negatron himself who writes, wryly: “Charging harder than faceless nobody kook haters isn’t much of an achievement.”

Follow the trail here and watch the video here.

Carissa Moore wins contest
Carissa Moore, Tahiti Pro wildcard! | Photo: WSL

Carissa Moore accepts wildcard to upcoming Tahiti Pro

Where's Filipe?

Modern professional surfing is currently in what experts are calling its “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” phase. We have Kelly Slater, who has hung on way too long. We have John John Florence, who hung it up way too early. And we have Carissa Moore who has done it just right. You, of course, recall when the ever classy Hawaiian declared that she would be stepping away from the tour at the beginning of the year. That she would also be representing the United States, again, in the Olympics hoping for back to back gold.

“My favorite rides, the greatest thrills have come when I’ve paddled over the ledge even though my heart or my head is telling me not to, you know?” she gamely declared at the time. “The anxiety comes from ‘am I going to show up?’ I just want to be proud of myself. I want, at the end of the day, to be like, ‘Ok, I did my best. And I rose to the occasion,’ you know?”

Well, in a perfect turn, Moore has accepted a wildcard into the hours away Tahiti Pro. The 2024 Games will, maybe not coincidentally, be held at the exact same reef shelf in two-ish month’s time. A who’s who of surf celebrities celebrated the news via Instagram.

Shaper to the stars Matt Biolos offered, “Pedal to the metal.”

Post surf interview maestra AJ McCord added, “We love to see it!!! Have so much fun Riss.”

Big wave stud Shane Dorian penned, “It’s time” while adding a robust flexed arm likely juiced with the very latest in recovery aids.

While Moore’s decision is perfect, like each previous, there is still silence in Filipe Toledo’s camp. The timid small wave surfer will also be Olympic surfing and has already made a name for himself at the Cave of Skulls by refusing to paddle when it gets scary.

Should he have screwed up enough courage to wildcard himself?