The Inertia offices (pictured) terrified.
The Inertia offices (pictured) terrified.

Terror spreads at The Inertia as Surfer goes after “surf hat” market!

Night of the Living Nerd.

Rinse kits, changing mats, changing robes, technical beach chairs, technical beach wagons, pocket shakas and surf hats were once, not long ago, the sole territory of The Inertia. Yes, the “definitive voice of surfing” understood, early, that surfing was going to experience a massive adult learner invasion and quickly included guides and direction on completely unnecessary accoutrement alongside its Huffington Post-inspired milquetoast servings.

The Inertia assumed it would be safe to till these kook ass fields alone, harvesting branded post opportunities alone until, that is, the corpse of Surfer Magazine was re-animated.

You have certainly followed along as the once-proud “Bible of the Sport” was purchased by a “tech powered” media company nearly a year ago. Surfer immediately telegraphed that its zombie version had no soul, clearly, but also no clue. The first hire was a spicy food lovin’ gal who called Tennessee’s Smoky Mountains home. Some thousand-odd miles from the nearest ocean. Or Surf Ranch. A series of embarrassments followed including, most recently, spitting on the only rule of surf journalism.

The Inertia, though, still safe.

Its pasty blend of awkward and uncomfortable too fine to be replicated.

Until yesterday.

For yesterday, Surfer waded directly into the surf hat game, “product testing” what the writer declared as the “The BEST surf hat… ever??”

Double barreled question marks certainly signaling more to come.

The Solite surf hat was, anyhow, described thusly:

This hat ticks all boxes with comfort, functionality and high quality material. The mesh ear flaps did not obscure my hearing and the chin strap was pretty comfortable for the most part and never came loose. And I found the adjustable straps quite user friendly.

Wearing the visor backward when paddling back out felt like I didn’t even have it on my head when duck diving.

Negatives: for me, none really. I guess if I could say one thing it would be to lengthen the bill about an inch if possible but still good as is.

A fine review, no doubt, but also terror rippling through The Inertia’s Boulder, Colorado headquarters. Surfer in the surf hat games means rinse kits, changing mats, changing robes and even pocket shakas are next. The completely uninformed certainly choosing to listen to the august Surfer over The Inertia, no?

Will The Inertia offer a fire sale on its co-branded content? Might we be able to purchase a BeachGrit car air freshener review for pennies on the dollar?

Reaching out now.

Stay tuned.

In the meantime, please buy a BeachGrit car air freshener. It “brings the anti-depressive smell of BeachGrit into your car, office or home.”

Kelly Slater (left) trapped by Shakira. Photo: Instagram

Surf icon Kelly Slater ensnared by deftly laid Shakira thirst trap!

The hips don't lie bone is connected to the leg bone...

Now, here is a question. Would you, right now, trade places with Shakira? On one hand, the Colombian chanteuse has it all. Multiple Grammy awards, millions of dollars, beautiful homes in Barcelona, Miami, Cypress. The love and support of fans worldwide. On the other hand, she is just beginning a tax evasion trial which could see her spend eight years behind Spanish bars. Though not as high a quality as French or Italian bars, still a dire prospect.

The 46-year-old, according to Spanish tax authorities, cheated the country out of some $26.4 million by claiming not to be living in Spain full-time while living in Spain full-time.

Tapas Trouble

120 witnesses are set to be called with the trail wrapping mid December.

While you area thinking on the matter, it should be noted that Shakira is currently single. She split from her boyfriend, the Spanish soccer star Gerard Piqué, a few months back and turned to surfing to mend a painful heart. Though a longtime surfer, Shakira wrote of the ocean’s cathartic properties immediately after the split.

She made an overture to the greatest surfer ever, Kelly Slater.

Though the 11x world champion is in a loving, committed relationship to his longtime Chinese girlfriend, surf pundits immediately began to wonder if he would have the fortitude, the grit to withstand the sultry songbird’s interest.

Kelly Slater Trips over Shakira’s Leg

Apparently, the surf pundits were right to worry for, days ago, Shakira posted a classic thirst trap to Instagram. Stretching before the Latin Grammys.

“And that’s how we stretch for the Latin Grammys,” she cooed while her gam was pulled, sensually, by a handsome dancer wearing Jean Paul Gaultier.

“Liked” by Kelly Slater.

And so, back to our original question. Does the Slater wrinkle weight the scale differently? Multiple Grammy awards, millions of dollars, beautiful homes in Barcelona, Miami, Cypress, the love and support of fans worldwide and Kelly Slater’s attention?

It does for me.

Hola, celda.

Callum Robson with Yeti cooler prizes for ten-point ride.
Callum Robson and his Yeti cooler, a prize for scoring a ten-point ride. Now listed for $550.

Aussie surf star lists iconic contest trophy for sale online at only $550!

“At the apex of WSL gimmicky and actually quite demeaning.”

Six months ago, the relatively unfancied Australia Callum Robson rode the first perfect wave of the season at the Portugal CT event.

In his heart-pounding report from the day our tour correspondent JP Currie wrote,

“He spun on a wave that seemed to rise from nowhere. A tube as thick as it was tall spat like a Targaryen dragon trying to incinerate the Aussie chippy, yet he emerged from the fury for an undeniable perfect score.” 

Robson, who turns twenty-three in one week, finished the event in third place and the year at twentieth overall on the tour ratings. 

As reward for his perfect ride, Robson was awarded a Yeti cooler, a generous gift, although it was quickly slammed by the Grammy-nominated DJ and former pro surfer FISHER. 

The thirty-six-year-old who was nominated for Best Dance Recording category at the 61st Annual Grammy Awards for the nipple-twisting hit “Losing It” hit out at the WSL for giving any surfer who scores a ten-point ride in the season a Yeti cooler or in Australian parlance, an esky.

Yeti signed a three-year deal with the WSL in January, the brand hosting “on-site activations, including Hydration Stations, Activation Coolers, and branded event bottles, at select competitions, in addition to a branded-content series exploring the iconic locations on the WSL CT and Challenger Series featuring YETI ambassadors John Florence and Stephanie Gilmore.

“I’m pondering on the fact that when a surfer gets a ten-point ride on the world-fucking-championship tour they get a fucking esky! A fucking esky!” said Fisher. “Are you fucking kidding me? That is unbelievable. What are they going to do, fill it full of beers and use the lid to go down some hills?

“A ten-point ride and you get a fucking esky! Unbelievable. Mate, what about a thousand bucks, just thousand bucks. Are you kidding? You used to get a Nixon watch worth ten-grand for a ten, now you get a fucking esky! Wow!”

As JP Currie wrote,

“It was the first ten of the year, and the best wave we would see all day by some margin. The Yeti cooler he gets as a reward won’t just be a fucker to lug back on the plane, and the apex of cheesy WSL gimmickry, but is actually quite demeaning in the context of that wave.”

At the time, I noted that if the gifted Yeti was the famous 82-gallon Tundra 350, it had a retail value of $1300. 

Now, it can be revealed Robson was given the much cheaper Tundra 110 Hard Cooler, retail around half that.

We know this because surf fans can buy this significant piece of history after Robson’s girlfriend Mayha Nowlan listed the prize on Facebook Marketplace for $550. It’s been kicking around online for two weeks already so maybe you can ask Mayha or Callum to sharpen their pencils on the ticket price.

It is brand new and the vendors request cash only. Pick up in Tweed Heads, a five-minute drive from Snapper Rocks.

Also for sale is a fleet of what look like superb surfboards including a Mayhem, a Bradley, a DHD and a few JS’s, prices ranging from $350 to $550. 

Filipe Toledo, Brazilian Olympian, unlikely to win gold at Teahupoo.
“There’s nothing left to prove to anyone,” says Filipe Toledo in his excellent documentary series Peace & Power.

Filipe Toledo’s hopes for Olympic gold shattered as Paris 2024 remains at Teahupoo despite push to move to insipid beachbreak!

The small-wave wizard has long struggled at Teahupoo, site of Paris 2024 Games.

Only one week ago, it appeared Christmas had arrived early for the Brazilian Olympian Filipe Toledo following bombshell comments from the president of French Polynesia who wanted to move the Olympic surf event from Teahupoo to the beachbreak Taharuu.

The small-wave wizard Filipe Toledo whose two world titles have come in little soft-breaking waves near the Republican stronghold of San Clemente has long struggled at Teahupoo.

But, Filipe Toledo’s formidable form in the small waves meant he beat reigning Olympic surfing gold medallist Italo Ferreira and two-time Teahupoo winner Gabriel Medina into the team. The other Brazilian male is João Chianca.

(Long-time fans of pro surfing will point out that Filipe Toledo’s famous zero-point heat at Teahupoo came alongside Italo Ferreira who surfed rings around his timid countryman.)

The push to move to Taharuu forty clicks back towards Papeete came following a furore over Paris 2024’s decision to demolish the old wooden judging tower and replace it with a five-million dollar aluminium structure.

FP’s prez Moetai Brotherson said Paris 2024’s surfing should be moved from Teahupoo and to the insipid beachbreak so the damn reef didn’t need to be drilled for the new tower’s concrete pylons.

Now, insipid is a strong word, but any wave that draws tears of joy and little shivers of excitement from your old pal DR after a couple of weeks going over the falls and getting gooned at Teahupoo is, likely, insipid.

Anyway, instead of going with the beachbreak option organisers have pushed back against the dumb idea and compromised a little on the tower, reducing its footprint by twenty-five percent to make it the same size as the old wooden one.

Also, the pylons aren’t gonna be drilled quite so deep, dry toilets instead of running water ones and there’s only room for twenty-five to thirty officials instead of forty.

“The new tower, less imposing and reduced in size and weight, installed on new permanent foundations, is the solution that will ensure the longevity of the tower and guarantee that future sporting events can be held at Teahupo’o,” organisers said in a statement.

John John Florence, owning home. Photo: WSL
John John Florence, owning home. Photo: WSL

John John Florence announced as co-sponsor of upcoming 2024 World Surf League Pro Pipeline

Core town, USA

The calendar pages are, in all honesty, flipping by ridiculously fast. It seems as if only yesterday we were celebrating small wave world champion Filipe Toledo’s wildly unsurprising win at Lower Trestles. There the li’l lionhearted stood, hoisting the cup above head, ready to do it for three more years in a row. Caroline Marks next to him hoisting her own cup after clinching on the women’s side.

If you can believe, that was… only two months ago? Wow. It actually was basically yesterday but, in any case, a new Championship Tour season is knocking at the door.


The first event in the thoroughly mangled reworking is, as you recall, Pipeline though not the famed Pipe Masters but rather the Pro Pipeline. While it used to crown champions, the iconic wave now kicks everything off. And this year, the World Surf League just announced that perennial favorite John John Florence will be co-sponsoring it, through his brand Florence Marine X, along with Vissla.

Very wonderful and reminiscent of Kelly Slater sponsoring Teahupo’o and Cloudbreak.

The interesting part is, I suppose, that Vissla and Florence Marine X are both competitors in the market place. Both make enviable soft goods. Both make wetsuits. And has this ever happened in professional surfing’s long and storied history? Billabong and Quiksilver both sponsoring, say, J-Bay?

A silly question, I suppose, as Billabong and Quiksilver are both the same brand and J-Bay is no longer on tour but you get what I’m asking.

Florence Marine X and Vissla are both as core as core can be. Opposite of “Authentic” which owns every other surf brand and now means “inauthentic.” The surf fan can hope they will infuse some much needed juice into the broadcast and give us a Pipe we can all be proud of.

David Lee Scales and I discussed this yet another sign that the World Surf League is going broke and many other important matters. Like basecoat on a surfboard.