Kelly Slater, UAE sheik and Filipe Toledo in Abu Dhabi.
Kelly Slater, happy sheik, even happier kid and, inset, world's best little wave champ Filipe Toledo.

World’s best small-wave surfer Filipe Toledo shows his “barbaric turns” at Kelly Slater’s controversial Abu Dhabi wave pool!

Derek Rielly

By

The king of little waves Filipe Toledo gives hell to Abu Dhabi tank!

So much heat enveloping the Kelly Slater-Adam Fincham-designed wave pool in Abu Dhabi yesterday, and not just from its dreamy location in the Persian Gulf.

Surfers took a break from giving hell to Jews defending their fragile state to give it to Slater for being part of the tank’s creation in the controversial Petrostate.

A few examples of surfers’ thoughts.

Yeah! Go “surf” in a fossil fueled cess pool in the midst of a Palestinian genocide! Genocide rhymes with Ecocide! Go Kelly Slater!
How appropriate: “surfing” in a fossil fueled cess pool in Arabia during the midst of Palestinian genocide!? Kelly Slater is such an inspiration! More carbon emissions per “wave” than the 20 hour flight (first class of course) from the white trash capital of the universe (Florida — or is it California? Same thing). Oh wait – Genocide rhymes with Ecocide! Go Kelly!

Did they try and just google a place with even less available water than Lemore and say 📍 that’s the spot?

Are women allowed?

Ugh. A shame he’s doing business in that neck of the woods.

and only 45 Nepalese slave labor workers died of heat stroke building it just so Kelly can surf while avoiding the common peasants taking his waves. what a modern marvel!

And so on.

For those unpolluted by a childlike take on Middle Eastern politics, Kelly Slater demonstrated the blue-water wave to perfection. He even treated his fans to a lightly aerated chop-hop at the wave’s eventual conclusion.

Now, footage has been released of the world’s best small-wave surfer Filipe Toledo at the controversial tank.

Filipe Toledo, who is twenty-eight, has the most well-rounded small-wave attack in the world. He has completed two world title wins in three-foot waves at Lower Trestles and in three events at the Lemoore tank has been runner-up twice, and a winner in 20021.

In waves three-feet and under he is untouchable, although Fillipe Toledo’s big-wave bona fides are yet to be proved. 

 

Wealthy kooks (insert) plan their line at Nazaré. Photo: Dumb and Dumber
Wealthy kooks (insert) plan their line at Nazaré. Photo: Dumb and Dumber

New report suggests Nazaré overrun by uber-wealthy kooks!

Chas Smith

By

"What was once exotic and had to be earned has now become a playground for thrill-seekers, many of them wealthy..."

This world, man. Ever more a tale of two distinct classes. The haves and the have nots. Those who struggle to make the car payment on aged Toyota Tundras and those who enjoy the comforts of the Aston Martin Valour. Now, in times past the uber-rich were happy to stay in their exclusive enclaves and do their exclusive things. Summering on Lake Como, for example, and taking the Alpha Zs across to the Clooneys for luncheon. Post-Covid, though, things have changed.

Billionaires like Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos, who came into their wealth through nerdy means, lack taste entirely. That vacuum is filled with all manner of lower-brow endeavors that should not interest them. Fighting mixed martial arts. Pumping weights. And, according to a terrifying new report, surfing big waves.

Nazaré Gets Kooked

Yes, a reporter from luxury publication Forbes just spent time in the Portuguese hamlet with big wave star Justine DuPont and her husband/sled-driver Fred David.

He was in town to ride on the ski and get a peek at the “huge swells barreling” but excess wind derailed that plan and so the trio merely explored Garrett McNamara’s beautiful baby.

Metaphorically.

While wandering and sipping various chocolate milks, the writer bemoaned:

As for surf purism, big money comes in now from amateur fat-cats from all over the world wanting to “tow in” say, to one big wave, take the accompanying trophy photo and then head home to brag about it. Unfortunately, it’s part of the current trend of tourists paying exorbitant sums to “experience” adventure. What was once exotic and had to be earned has now become a playground for thrill-seekers, many of them wealthy, and now, unfortunately, Nazare is beginning to feel that surge.

Bleak.

While DuPont and David took the bad with the good, happy that local businesses were benefitting, I think we should do a better job of shaming the “wealthy thrill-seekers.”

And those who help facilitate their “experiences.”

Kai Lenny.

New Kelly Slater wave pool in Abu Dhabi draws ire from surf fans.
New Kelly Slater wave pool in Abu Dhabi draws ire from surf fans.

New Kelly Slater wave pool in Abu Dhabi provokes shock reaction from surf world

Derek Rielly

By

"Genocide rhymes with Ecocide!"

Overnight, we saw the first video from the long anticipated Kelly Slater wave pool on Hudayriyat Island in Abu Dhabi, proclaimed by developer Modon Properties as the “longest wave pool in the world.” 

Still boyish at almost sixty and surfing as upright as a dart, Kelly Slater demonstrates the blue-water wave to perfection, even treating his fans to a little alley-oop at the wave’s eventual conclusion.

“It’s hard to believe that this thing exists,” says Kelly Slater. “We knew if somebody could build something to the best quality it would be here in this part of the world… I think we made a pretty spectacular wave here in Abu Dhabi.”

Surfers, you’d think, would be in thrall to the man-made marvel. It’s the first commercial version of the famous Kelly Slater tank and eight years since the Lemoore prototype’s spectacular debut.

Of course, surfers, inflated in ego, low in intelligence and perspective, are difficult to predict,

And to the masses who swarmed various Instagram pages and below the line on BeachGrit, the Kelly Slater pool represents a cruel absurdity, with some even linking it to Gaza’s invasion of Israel.

(The UAE ain’t afraid to loose the hounds on its brother Muslims: “The military coalition led by Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates in Yemen has killed thousands of civilians in airstrikes, tortured detainees, raped civilians and used child soldiers as young as 8,” reports the NY Times.)

Yeah! Go “surf” in a fossil fueled cess pool in the midst of a Palestinian genocide! Genocide rhymes with Ecocide! Go Kelly Slater!

How appropriate: “surfing” in a fossil fueled cess pool in Arabia during the midst of Palestinian genocide!? Kelly Slater is such an inspiration! More carbon emissions per “wave” than the 20 hour flight (first class of course) from the white trash capital of the universe (Florida — or is it California? Same thing). Oh wait – Genocide rhymes with Ecocide! Go Kelly!

Did they try and just google a place with even less available water than Lemore and say 📍 that’s the spot?

Are women allowed?

I’m so fed up with hearing about all these fucking wave pools being built where either A) the location produces world class waves already on the regular by Mother Nature or B) in a location where no one cares or knows absolutely nothing about surfing in the first place. Guess I’ll either be 85 years old or dead by the time they makes surf parks more accessible like skate parks are now. For fucks sake.

Ugh. A shame he’s doing business in that neck of the woods.

and only 45 Nepalese slave labor workers died of heat stroke building it just so Kelly can surf while avoiding the common peasants taking his waves. what a modern marvel!

Elites making waves for other elites. They are destroying the oceans so they have to build these so they all have somewhere to surf. Good luck poor people…

Who the fuck wants to go surfing somewhere where you can’t smoke a joint without getting beheaded

Yeah let’s make wavepool on the desert, take the most flights possible and call us in harmony with nature 🔥 that’s radddd

The Matthew effect. Who cares about woman’s rights? Who cares about freedom of speech? Who cares about human rights? Who cares about how others are suppressed by bigotry, and patriarchy? Why care when you are filling up your pockets with millions of dollars. I have lost all respect for this guy. It’s all about their personal interest.

Dang Kelly Slater, oil money and their ‘shaka spirit’ towards women speaks to you…smh

We’re effing up this planet with nonsense crap like this. Ronaldo should go, I won’t.

I guess building pools is his gig now. This is not going to end well for his career. All of that hard work and building his reputation to throw it out for a stupid pool where Women, Gays, and the Lower class people are treated with 1400’s year old le laws. Nice going Kelly. This time you out did yourself.

Now, nobody’s shoving a muzzle under anyone’s jawbone to go, so why the envy and hatred?

Justin Timberlake (pictured) and the weight of playing with voice. Photo: Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Justin Timberlake (pictured) and the weight of playing with voice. Photo: Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Justin Timberlake “blaccent” imbroglio reignites simmering surf “Spicolocution” debate!

Chas Smith

By

The culture wars come to surf.

Justin Timberlake sure has been copping one, these days. The once-universally adored singer has been marched into the public square and torn limb from limb. It started with Britney Spears releasing her new memoir The Woman in Me. It was an instant best-seller and led to much discussion on Timberlake then much piling on.

The two former Mouseketeers famously began dating when she was seventeen, he eighteen and both on the ascent. She singing instant classics like Hit Me Baby, One More Time. He as one fifth of boy band sensation NSYNC.

It was a fairytale romance, on the surface, adorned in denim though in hindsight apparently not perfect.

Cheating on both sides plus a pregnancy terminated early.

Timberlake eventually ending it all via text.

The big un-chill.

Though nobody seemed to care at the time.

Now, though, knives are out for the SexyBack singer and mostly for his adoption of a “blaccent” or “black accent” sometime in the aughts. He was hammered hard for it, though the tide may be turning back in his favor. Songwriter/Bravolebrity Kandi Burruss recently swung to his defense, telling Page Six, “I just feel like that was young Justin. Leave him alone, y’all. He was a really, really good guy.”

For surfers, the whole imbroglio has ripped the scab off the long-festering “Spicolocution” debate.

Justin Timberlake and the Surf Vernacular

But you are certainly aware of the decades-long depiction of surfers speaking a certain Southern California patois. Keanu Reeves, Sean Penn, Erik Logan bro brah broing to camera. While inoffensive in the Golden State, surfers from New Jersey, Australia’s Gold Coast, Brazil’s Saquarema always recoiled at the depiction.

#NotMeToo.

And reasonable though Hollywood is a machine but also a machine that doesn’t have rearview mirrors.

How then do “surfers” speak?

For my money, like Filipe Toledo.

But, while you are here, did I ever tell you about the time I had brunch with Justin Timberlake in New York? It was lovely and he seemed very kind. We drank coffee, if I recall, though someone might have ordered a mimosa.

No blaccent detected.

Kelly Slater once dated a Justin Timberlake ex.

Happier times.

Kelly Slater making the desert bloom. Photo: Instagram
Kelly Slater making the desert bloom. Photo: Instagram

Kelly Slater reveals first clip from Abu Dhabi surf tank!

Chas Smith

By

Like Cloudbreak, J-Bay and Lower Trestles!

Kelly Slater does very little wrong. From inspiring shrines to crafting the world’s first turtle moon sandal, our 11x champion is singular. So many accomplishments, in fact, that some get lost in the mist. But do you recall when he wowed the public while shaming Adriano de Souza by releasing that first clip from his Lemoore Surf Ranch? It seems three lifetimes ago but, really, it is only seven years in the rearview.

Well, the GOAT is back.

Seconds ago, the spritely 57-year-old just dropped the very first clip from his new Abu Dhabi facility.

“I’ve surfed hundreds of incredible waves across the world and this wave in Abu Dhabi stacks up well against some of the best waves on earth,” the living legend wrote, comparing the wave to Cloudbreak, J-Bay and the world’s greatest venue Lower Trestles.

Big wow.

Watch and then let’s discuss.

Photo: Justin Jay/@justinjayphoto
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