New Kelly Slater wave pool in Abu Dhabi draws ire from surf fans.
New Kelly Slater wave pool in Abu Dhabi draws ire from surf fans.

New Kelly Slater wave pool in Abu Dhabi provokes shock reaction from surf world

"Genocide rhymes with Ecocide!"

Overnight, we saw the first video from the long anticipated Kelly Slater wave pool on Hudayriyat Island in Abu Dhabi, proclaimed by developer Modon Properties as the “longest wave pool in the world.” 

Still boyish at almost sixty and surfing as upright as a dart, Kelly Slater demonstrates the blue-water wave to perfection, even treating his fans to a little alley-oop at the wave’s eventual conclusion.

“It’s hard to believe that this thing exists,” says Kelly Slater. “We knew if somebody could build something to the best quality it would be here in this part of the world… I think we made a pretty spectacular wave here in Abu Dhabi.”

Surfers, you’d think, would be in thrall to the man-made marvel. It’s the first commercial version of the famous Kelly Slater tank and eight years since the Lemoore prototype’s spectacular debut.

Of course, surfers, inflated in ego, low in intelligence and perspective, are difficult to predict,

And to the masses who swarmed various Instagram pages and below the line on BeachGrit, the Kelly Slater pool represents a cruel absurdity, with some even linking it to Gaza’s invasion of Israel.

(The UAE ain’t afraid to loose the hounds on its brother Muslims: “The military coalition led by Saudi Arabia and the United Arab Emirates in Yemen has killed thousands of civilians in airstrikes, tortured detainees, raped civilians and used child soldiers as young as 8,” reports the NY Times.)

Yeah! Go “surf” in a fossil fueled cess pool in the midst of a Palestinian genocide! Genocide rhymes with Ecocide! Go Kelly Slater!

How appropriate: “surfing” in a fossil fueled cess pool in Arabia during the midst of Palestinian genocide!? Kelly Slater is such an inspiration! More carbon emissions per “wave” than the 20 hour flight (first class of course) from the white trash capital of the universe (Florida — or is it California? Same thing). Oh wait – Genocide rhymes with Ecocide! Go Kelly!

Did they try and just google a place with even less available water than Lemore and say 📍 that’s the spot?

Are women allowed?

I’m so fed up with hearing about all these fucking wave pools being built where either A) the location produces world class waves already on the regular by Mother Nature or B) in a location where no one cares or knows absolutely nothing about surfing in the first place. Guess I’ll either be 85 years old or dead by the time they makes surf parks more accessible like skate parks are now. For fucks sake.

Ugh. A shame he’s doing business in that neck of the woods.

and only 45 Nepalese slave labor workers died of heat stroke building it just so Kelly can surf while avoiding the common peasants taking his waves. what a modern marvel!

Elites making waves for other elites. They are destroying the oceans so they have to build these so they all have somewhere to surf. Good luck poor people…

Who the fuck wants to go surfing somewhere where you can’t smoke a joint without getting beheaded

Yeah let’s make wavepool on the desert, take the most flights possible and call us in harmony with nature 🔥 that’s radddd

The Matthew effect. Who cares about woman’s rights? Who cares about freedom of speech? Who cares about human rights? Who cares about how others are suppressed by bigotry, and patriarchy? Why care when you are filling up your pockets with millions of dollars. I have lost all respect for this guy. It’s all about their personal interest.

Dang Kelly Slater, oil money and their ‘shaka spirit’ towards women speaks to you…smh

We’re effing up this planet with nonsense crap like this. Ronaldo should go, I won’t.

I guess building pools is his gig now. This is not going to end well for his career. All of that hard work and building his reputation to throw it out for a stupid pool where Women, Gays, and the Lower class people are treated with 1400’s year old le laws. Nice going Kelly. This time you out did yourself.

Now, nobody’s shoving a muzzle under anyone’s jawbone to go, so why the envy and hatred?

Justin Timberlake (pictured) and the weight of playing with voice. Photo: Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Justin Timberlake (pictured) and the weight of playing with voice. Photo: Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Justin Timberlake “blaccent” imbroglio reignites simmering surf “Spicolocution” debate!

The culture wars come to surf.

Justin Timberlake sure has been copping one, these days. The once-universally adored singer has been marched into the public square and torn limb from limb. It started with Britney Spears releasing her new memoir The Woman in Me. It was an instant best-seller and led to much discussion on Timberlake then much piling on.

The two former Mouseketeers famously began dating when she was seventeen, he eighteen and both on the ascent. She singing instant classics like Hit Me Baby, One More Time. He as one fifth of boy band sensation NSYNC.

It was a fairytale romance, on the surface, adorned in denim though in hindsight apparently not perfect.

Cheating on both sides plus a pregnancy terminated early.

Timberlake eventually ending it all via text.

The big un-chill.

Though nobody seemed to care at the time.

Now, though, knives are out for the SexyBack singer and mostly for his adoption of a “blaccent” or “black accent” sometime in the aughts. He was hammered hard for it, though the tide may be turning back in his favor. Songwriter/Bravolebrity Kandi Burruss recently swung to his defense, telling Page Six, “I just feel like that was young Justin. Leave him alone, y’all. He was a really, really good guy.”

For surfers, the whole imbroglio has ripped the scab off the long-festering “Spicolocution” debate.

Justin Timberlake and the Surf Vernacular

But you are certainly aware of the decades-long depiction of surfers speaking a certain Southern California patois. Keanu Reeves, Sean Penn, Erik Logan bro brah broing to camera. While inoffensive in the Golden State, surfers from New Jersey, Australia’s Gold Coast, Brazil’s Saquarema always recoiled at the depiction.


And reasonable though Hollywood is a machine but also a machine that doesn’t have rearview mirrors.

How then do “surfers” speak?

For my money, like Filipe Toledo.

But, while you are here, did I ever tell you about the time I had brunch with Justin Timberlake in New York? It was lovely and he seemed very kind. We drank coffee, if I recall, though someone might have ordered a mimosa.

No blaccent detected.

Kelly Slater once dated a Justin Timberlake ex.

Happier times.

Kelly Slater making the desert bloom. Photo: Instagram
Kelly Slater making the desert bloom. Photo: Instagram

Kelly Slater reveals first clip from Abu Dhabi surf tank!

Like Cloudbreak, J-Bay and Lower Trestles!

Kelly Slater does very little wrong. From inspiring shrines to crafting the world’s first turtle moon sandal, our 11x champion is singular. So many accomplishments, in fact, that some get lost in the mist. But do you recall when he wowed the public while shaming Adriano de Souza by releasing that first clip from his Lemoore Surf Ranch? It seems three lifetimes ago but, really, it is only seven years in the rearview.

Well, the GOAT is back.

Seconds ago, the spritely 57-year-old just dropped the very first clip from his new Abu Dhabi facility.

“I’ve surfed hundreds of incredible waves across the world and this wave in Abu Dhabi stacks up well against some of the best waves on earth,” the living legend wrote, comparing the wave to Cloudbreak, J-Bay and the world’s greatest venue Lower Trestles.

Big wow.

Watch and then let’s discuss.

Kelly Slater (left) takes another scalp. Photo: Instagram
Kelly Slater (left) takes another scalp. Photo: Instagram

Artist defaces historically significant surfboard to make Kelly Slater shrine!

Famous designer buried by GOAT.

If we are honest with ourselves, Kelly Slater is surf history. The world’s greatest ever surfer has been at the top of his game as long as many of us have been alive. His eleven world titles. His Eddies and Pipe Masters. His most special and exclusive wildcards. Slater is, of course, a singular force but there was a era that he was not. Back in the before-times.

Now, surfers were mostly pre-literate then leaving social scientists to collect bits of chatter from grumpy locals in order to get a sense of the way things were. Some speak of grifters who lived in the shadow of Malibu. Others of a surfboard shaper-cum-designer named Shaw Stüssy.

According to legend, Stüssy got into the fashion game in 1980. He sold hats and t-shirts from the trunk of his car. His scrawl was instantly recognizable.

Very cool.

It became art though one piece, which has survived, has just been defaced to make a shrine to the aforementioned G.O.A.T.

Artist Victoria White has a very distinctive style and often uses surfboards as her canvas. Most recently she created a shrine to the current world number twenty-three.

Kelly Slater Is Basically Divine

Taking to Instagram, White declared:


I PAINT WHO I LOVE. i do not choose the subjects of my portraits on a whim. before i ever pick up a brush to paint a portrait, i have to get to know the subject, try to understand them, and decide whether i love them, whether i feel inspired by them.

for my first portrait on surfboards, i watched a few surfing documentaries, read a few books, and then finally ended up reading @kellyslater ‘s autobiography, Pipe Dreams. I was so inspired by Kelly’s undeniable and unwavering commitment to his goals, his ability to transform his fears into fuel, and the discipline and devotion that have made him the G.O.A.T. of surfing. there was no question in my mind that I LOVED EVERYTHING KELLY SLATER STOOD FOR, and i had to paint him.

i have unending gratitude for you, @kellyslater, because of the inspiring way in which you have lived your life and for recognizing my work; for the @usopenofsurf and the @wsl , for helping me share my creativity and inspiration; and for my amazing community for supporting my authentic and vulnerable creative process.

Very powerful but let us look at the boards before they were made holy.

Do you notice the penmanship on the middle board there?

The one that became Slater’s nose and earlobes?

Undeniably Stüssy.

I guess better for all, though, that all surf history simply becomes Kelly Slater.

To the turtle moon.

Surfing progressives on Instagram

Surfing progressives describe fragile Jewish state as “grotesque” and “at the nexus of colonisation (and) white supremacy” in latest salvo

Israel is “a deviant grotesque charade that’s fundamentally racist and segregated”

One of the more ironic things of Israel’s latest existential war, see War of Independence (1948), its sassy sequel The Six-Day War (1967) and the almost tragedy of the Yom Kippur War (1973),  is the universal support of surfing’s progressives, the queers, the gender fluid, the feminists and so on. 

Shortly after Hamas gunmen, some carrying ISIS flags, put bullets into hundreds of unarmed civilians in the Israeli towns bordering Gaza, including kids and their pets, and raped the hell out of the cute festival gals before executing ‘em, our own surf feminist and trans-in-sports-activist Lucy Small posted a series of stories about the conflict.

These included a reel  from Al Jazeera showing Hamas terrorists in paragliders landing in Israel and about to murder hundreds with the caption, “Palestinians in Gaza made history as they escaped the world’s largest prison”. 

Hamas terrorists use paragliders to enter Israel, and Lucy Small.
Hamas terrorists use paragliders to enter Israel, and Lucy Small.

(Small explained the apparent contradiction of a feminist and trans-activist supporting a religious fascist group notorious for killing gays and subjugating women with, “The end of occupation may allow for healing. It is common in communities affected by armed violence, rates of domestic violence and violence against women are higher – it’s a tragic part of war.”)

In her latest salvo, Small describes Israel as being “at the nexus of colonisation, white supremacy, capitalism and (the) military industrial complex…”

Lucy Small Instagram post about Palestine v Israel conflict

Over at gay-trans-activists Surf Equity, whom we last saw on these pages when they slammed Pipe Queen Moana Jones Wong for wrong-think, pro-Palestinian clips are stacked, with short shrift given to the Jewish souls disappeared on October 7. 

Whatever your view of the Jewish state, men with machine guns executing boys and girls, men and women, the old, the infirm…the gay… would warrant at least one post, no? 


The surfing writer Andy Saint Onge has taken it one step further, however.

The Hawaii-based surfer posted a swastika in a Star of David alongside a screed apparently justifying the October 7 massacre.

“The Palestinian response, however militant, is altogether rational — not ‘terrorism’ but armed resistance,” he writes. “Furthermore, Israel’s experiment in so-called ‘Jewish democracy’ has failed miserably. It began with (and was sustained by) theft and brutal apartheid and has finally degenerated into genocide subsidized by the United States — which is complicit (and rightly condemned) for its aid and abetting mass murder.”

Again, surprising the support rallying behind the Islamofascists, the Jews left to the guns, the fires, alone, again.

Andy Saint Onge's anti-Israel post on Instagram
Andy Saint Onge’s Instagram post.