“Had I not been on a SUP this event would have played out very differently.”

Two surfers from that pretty little peninsula called Cape Cod, which is in Massachusetts and shaped like a Hebrew beak from an illustrated Protocols of the Elders of Zion pamphlet, survived an attack by a Great White shark yesterday.

Ray Trautz, a stand-up paddle boarder, surf-adjacent as they say, although he appears very good in his self-published photos, described the Great White hit on Facebook. 

“I took overnight to bring myself to write these words,” Trautz writes. 

“Yesterday on November 4th 2023 at about noon my cousin Pete Emond and I were surfing by ourselves over in front of the VIP house at Coast Guard beach. Pete was sitting on his board and I was standing on mine when I looked over my shoulder and a ten-foot Great White shark was on track right at Pete’s legs. 

“The shark even turned on its side as if to take a leg. In that moment I yelled SHAARRRRK as Pete was still unaware. As I yelled, I stabbed my paddle into the water at the back of the shark. It violently turned at me, tail and head thrashing back and forth erupting the water. 

“The shark’s massive tail section almost hit Pete in the face. I was yelling for Pete to go and get to shore as the shark circled behind me very aggressive and agitated. 

“As the shark circled I circled and kept him from being behind me. In that moment a small wave came across the bar and in two quick strokes I was flying towards the beach.  

“We both escaped unharmed and a little shaken. I’ve seen a hundred white sharks while surfing but this takes the top of all my shark interactions.  

“Had I not been on a SUP this event would have played out very differently.” 

Great Whites and surfers have had a pretty ordinary relationship, at least of late.

Six days ago, a surfer in Australia was disappeared by a Great White; six months before that, and a hundred clicks down the road, another surfer was killed by a Great White in front of a bunch of kids.

Meanwhile, across the USA and heading towards Casa Smith near San Diego,swimmers, paddle-boarders and surfers are co-existing with the renowned man-eaters. Although, in this part of the world they seem anything but, the 2008 hit on a triathlete in Solana Beach notwithstanding.

If you swing over to the remarkable account of Scott Fairchild, you’ll find a San Diego swimmer being followed by a smallish, a relative term of course, juvenile Great White who eventually tires of the game and shoots off.

It’s one of dozens of peaceful interactions with a fish that, in southern California, seems mostly docile.

“It’s important that people realise the truth and that we protect these amazing and vital animals,” Fairchild told Oceangraphic. “I’m very direct with saying that my images are not allowed to be used unless it’s a shark positive piece…I have literally filmed hundreds of hours of footage and watched an incalculable number of encounters with great white sharks swimming right next to swimmers, surfers, stand up paddlers, and so on. This is the truth, the norm, the day-to-day reality of what happens in the ocean. Yes, bites tragically do happen but they are incredibly rare considering the hundreds of thousands of interactions around the world and the millions of possibilities if sharks really wanted to hunt humans.”

He also said, “I can typically find a Great White within two minutes…”

"Sparring got a little out of hand," Zuckerberg wrote. "May need to update my avatar." 

Yesterday morning, the surfer-turned-combatant and government mandated censor Mark Zuckerberg blew his ACL out in a fight simulation gone horribly wrong, likely a Muay Thai kick caught or given.

Sparring is a sorta dance between two martial artists where the intensity is dialled up or down depending on your partner. Sometimes, and particularly with beginners to the sport who ain’t familiar with the dial or the protocols, it gets out of hand. An ego gets bruised, a loose knee finds a beak or an eye socket.

“Tore my ACL sparring and just got out of surgery to replace it,” Zuckerberg wrote to his twelve-million fans. “I was training for a competitive MMA fight early next year.”

The Anterior Cruciate Ligament is an elastic band of, dunno, maybe connective tissue or something, that connects your thigh bone to your shin bone. It keeps the knee stable and prevents it from twisting or slide out of control. 

Blowing it out is real common. Twist and she pops. 

Zuckerberg, who is thirty-nine, revealed he’d ordered surgeons to replace the damaged item, likely with a piece taken from a cadaver similar to Kelly Slater being nursed back to health with a dead man’s labrum two months ago. 

“(The surgeon) said my Labrum was basically shredded from end to end,” explained Slater. “There were bone spurs on the femur head…I also had a lot of scar tissue. He got in there and said it looked like a war zone, said he had to get in there and chop through the woods.” 

But it’s not Zuckerberg’s first taste of a fist or elbow or knee gone awry.

Only four weeks ago, Zuckerberg posted a photo of himself looking like a wanderer who lives on the margins of the law and frequently wakes up a couple of hundred miles from where he started in the evening without any recollection of how he got there. 

“Sparring got a little out of hand,” Zuckerberg wrote. “May need to update my avatar.” 

“Surfing is dangerous,” quipped 2019 world surfing champion Italo Ferreira to which Zuckerberg replied,

“This was Muay Thai sparring, but plenty of surfing injuries too…”

By my reckoning, Mark Zuckerberg has maybe two years in the martial arts game and three, tops, in surfing.

Jiujitsu, kickboxing, yeah, I get it, we break easily.

But surfing?

Y’ever hear of a man getting so beat up by the most un-extreme sport in the world?

Multiple injuries?

Worst thing that happen to most of us is a sore ear from the cunt in the lineup who won’t zip his beak.