Jason Aldean (left) and Barton Lynch (insert). Twin Papa Surfs.

“Papa Surf” Jason Aldean reveals wild connection to Barton Lynch!

A country superstar and a surf legend walk into a bar...

Days ago, surfers became frustrated when it was revealed that country superstar Jason Aldean had opened a surf-themed burger bar. The cultural appropriation was bad, yes. Pure surfface. Aldean, who was born in Georgia and lives in Nashville, is not a surfer. He did not learn young nor did he become a VAL. He is not a surfer and yet, his burger bar is named “Papa Surf.” It features surf-esque items on the menu like the “Turkey Burger,” named after former World Surf League CEO Erik Logan.

Yes, the cultural appropriation was bad but, worse, surfing already has a Papa Surf.

Barton Lynch.

Now, while Jason Aldean and Lynch come from different political backgrounds, they do share certain opinions regarding, say, the Covid vaccination. Aldean recently sat down with the Los Angeles Times in a wide-ranging interview that covered “over-indexing on straight white dudes,” white privilege and the aforementioned jab.

Jason Aldean and Barton Lynch are Strange Bedfellows

When asked if he had received pharma magic, Aldean answered:

No. I felt like I’m a healthy guy, and this was a vaccine that Trump was pushing at the end of his office and Biden was saying, “Oh, don’t do it — it’s too soon.” Then as soon as Biden gets in: “Everybody get the shot.” [Note: In September 2020, Biden said, “I trust vaccines. I trust scientists. But I don’t trust Donald Trump. And at this point, the American people can’t, either.”] To me it was like, I don’t really know what’s going on here, so I’m just gonna stay away from it. That’s what I decided to do, and I’m very happy with my decision.

If I recall, Lynch was asked not to return to the World Surf League broadcast booth even though he was, by far, the best. At the time, Lynch said, “So a couple weeks ago, just to update you, I reached out to the WSL and offered my services, let them know that I was available for any upcoming events but was unfortunately told that I wasn’t needed this year so I won’t be back, I won’t be commentating this year and, uh, well that’s not altogether to be unexpected, I suppose.”

It was widely rumored that the reason was because Lynch, too, repfused the Pfizer.

And might this completely unforeseen coupling of twin Papa Surfs bring about some sort of utopia?

We’d be remiss to write off.

More as the story develops.


Lahina,, Maui (pictured) devastated.
Lahina,, Maui (pictured) devastated.

Surfers worldwide rally around resilient Maui!

The Hawaii Surfing Association (Maui Chapter) needs you!

There is much heartbreak in the news these days, from Ukraine to Gaza, Congo to Sudan. Much to ping pong attention or even deaden the senses. But we must fight the glazed eyes, the overwhelming inertia, and continue to care, invest, learn.

On that note, the devastating wildfires that consumed Maui in August seem like a lifetime ago. Lives, homes, businesses destroyed in a hot blaze. And while eyes are generally elsewhere these days, the brave residents of that valley isle are busy rebuilding.

But help is still needed.

A impactful letter was delivered, yesterday, by a local who is asking for the surf community to stand and deliver.

On the last two episodes of the Grit, that I have listened to, you guys have spoken about the Israel/ Hamas situation and the devastation and destruction caused by said conflict. I would like to remind everyone that Lahaina still needs help. I moved north to Napili years ago but this is the neighborhood that I used to live in.

The reason that I write is because we still need help here. The Maui chapter of the HSA, our version of the NSSA has been impacted financially by this disaster. Some of their key sponsors simply no longer exist. Being a parent, I can tell you that these kids have been through more than enough. I don’t want to go into specifics, but it has been rough. It honestly breaks my heart to even begin to think that the children of Lahaina could possibly lose anything else. HSA Maui is currently accepting donations to help offset the impact from the fire, If anyone out there wanted to help. If any company out there could become a sponsor, that would help as well.

Moved?

Donate here.


Mark Zuckerberg in hospital with ACL repair.
Mark Zuckerberg, surfer, fighter, genius, brave in hospital following knee surgery.

Surf-adjacent billionaire Mark Zuckerberg destroys knee in fight simulation gone wrong!

"Tore my ACL sparring. I was training for a competitive MMA fight early next year."

The surfer-turned-fighter Mark Zuckerberg, described by Kai Lenny as “really cool” and “super fit. Like … strong, strong strong” has been proved mortal after an MMA sparring session went horribly wrong.

Tore my ACL sparring and just got out of surgery to replace it,” Zuckerberg, who is thirty-nine, wrote to his twelve-million fans. “Grateful for the doctors and team taking care of me. I was training for a competitive MMA fight early next year, but now that’s delayed a bit. Still looking forward to doing it after I recover. Thanks to everyone for the love and support.”

A cavalcade of surfers were quickly to wish the Facebook billionaire well including Jamie O’Brien, Billy Kemper, “Human Viagra” Raimana Van Bastolaer, Lucas “Chumbo” Chianca, RVCA founder and, surprisingly, surfer funnyman Jonathan Wayne Freeman.

You’ll recall Freeman challenged Zuckerberg to a cage fight following the delisting of Kook of the Day from Instagram, which Zuckerberg owns.

“Two Years Ago I was Privileged enough to Teach @zuck how to surf at the World Famous Doheny…not gonna lie…the cat was one ☝️ of the worst I have ever coached . He requested a @gathsports Helmet after his first wipeout and a Band Aid for a small boo boo he received on his elbow from a fin cut. My Favorite part of the Lesson however was when I spoon fed him with a shovel on The Art of the Towel Change. I hate to call him out on this but since @kookoftheday has been gone and we have to use our backup account @kookofthedayog the Gloves have come off. We could of had something Beautiful @zuck . I eagerly await your response about our MMA Fight. If I win @kookoftheday goes back up. If I lose…my Family disowns me and I am mocked for generations to come.

(The smart money was on Zuckerberg if he’d taken on the fight. He is trained in the art of strangulation and striking and is some twenty years younger than the late middle-aged Freeman who carries a distinctly bourgeois body.)

Conspicuous by his absent from both likes and comments, however, was Zuckerberg’s former BFF Kai Lenny. Their friendship appeared to flounder when Zuckerberg shared a video of himself training MMA with UFC debutante Kha “The Shadow” Wu, even calling it “the best sport.”

In the video, Zuckerberg, whose foil-boarding escapades along Kauai’s Ne Pali coast with Lenny had become the stuff of legend, rolled easily through the various disciplines of mixed martial arts, kickboxing, wrestling, jiujitsu, and at one point even arm-barred his quarry.

On a podcast with Joe Rogan, Zuckerberg explained the pivot away from surfing.

“From the very first session that I did, like five minutes in, I was like, ‘Where has this been my whole life?’ All right. My mom made me do three varsity sports and my life took a wrong turn when I chose to do fencing competitively instead of wrestling in high school or something…

“There’s just something that’s so primal about it… Since then, I’ve just introduced a bunch of my friends to it. That’s been really fun, because now it’s like we train together and wrestle together. There’s a certain intensity to it that I like. Maybe there’s this cultural thing where a lot of people haven’t considered it. I’ve had 100 percent hit rate of introducing friends to it and converting them to people who now train. Every single person who I’ve shown it to is like, ‘This is amazing. This is obviously how I should be training and working out.’”


Surf virgin and heavy surf locals
I’ve also been practicing my shaka in the mirror, though I never take my shirt off. My ex-girlfriend recently poked fun at my paleness and said I need to start figuring out a way to get a real base. Otherwise, if I’m the guy in a sun shirt at the beach, I risk mockery from the locals

A Surf Virgin prepares for California!

I’ve watched numerous videos on proper “stand-up” technique. Quite honestly, it doesn’t seem so difficult.

Soon, this surf virgin will arrive on the West Coast and begin my surf(ing?) journey. While I have no pie-in-the-sky aspirations or hopes for saltwater greatness, I’m not foolish enough to think I can step into a foreign sport without getting my mind and body right first.

Though the aspens have turned yellow and there’s snow falling here in the high country, I’ve been putting serious effort into properly preparing myself for the Pacific.

Like any serious athlete, my first focus was mental.

I needed to begin to think and feel like a real surfer. Though I’m in the mountains, I had to find a way to sink my subconscious into the ocean. A difficult task one might assume, but not with the assistance of modern technology.

I blast Dick Dale albums on my bluetooth headphones and kick my shopping cart up to speed in the produce section of the grocery store. Then I place both feet on the rail between the back wheels, and effortlessly glide through a rolling sea of tomatoes, onions and autumnal squash.

Late at night, when I wrap myself snug as a bug in bed, I float to sleep on the soothing tones of Iz’s rendition of ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’, and see nothing but tasty waves in my dreams.

The new soundtrack of my surf virgin life has been helpful, but I’ve always been more of a visual learner. So, I dove into YouTube too. A few Kelly Slater interviews, a quick scroll-through of the Quiksilver channel, and various Pipe Master competition recaps from years past.

After a few hours of highlights though, I grew rather fatigued, and had to change it up to stay engaged. I rented Blue Crush on a friend’s Amazon account, forgot to pay her back, watched it all the way through, and didn’t stop to masturbate once. Total focus.

Next, was physical preparation.

I purchased a bulk order of Laird Hamilton’s coffee creamer. I start each morning with two scoops blended into a mug of Folger’s and have seriously adjusted my food intake.

You are what you eat.

I now consume a steady diet of fish & chips from the local distillery, WalMart California rolls and $5 shrimp cocktail platters that come in those cute little plastic trays that look like Jell-O molds.

While a nutritionist friend in New York has expressed concern over the possibility of mercury poisoning, and my mother regularly reminds me that Colorado is a landlocked state, I have faith that the sphincter-splitting diarrhea will pass. My body just needs a period of adjustment.

In due time, I’ll stop urinating out of my rear-end and likely sprout gills.

Next was familiarizing myself with proper form, and conditioning my body to execute the necessary maneuvers.

Though the whole paddling part seems rather strenuous and my cardio isn’t great, I’ve decided to trust my gut and skip any serious preparation in that aspect.

While I’m no physical specimen at the moment,  this surf virgin is the son of a Cuban immigrant– a child of the ocean. Thousands of my people have literally swam from one country to another. The combination of my genetic luck and strict nutrition plan pretty much makes me a fish.

However, you rarely see fish on two feet. So, I’ve watched numerous videos on proper “stand-up” technique. Quite honestly, it doesn’t seem so difficult. With help from a few YouTube tutorials, I’ve broken down the whole process into three very manageable steps.

First is propping yourself up on your hands and pressing your pelvis down. Easy. My dog assumes the same position on my favorite pillow anytime a lady pooch in the neighborhood goes into heat. And I’ve done plenty of humpin’ in my day. All the necessary muscles and tendons are already loose and limber. Check!

Second? Stand up. That’s it. Just stand up. I do that every morning when I wake up, pal. Skip.

And finally, step three– balance.

This presented a bit of a challenge, but I quickly devised an adequate training solution.

At the local park, I rose to my feet in the middle of a teeter-totter, until I could keep it level, with both ends off the ground, for more than ten seconds. However, I found myself a bit bored after mastering that, so to keep things interesting and my fast-twitch muscles firing, I stole an absent-minded kid’s scooter before heading home. I try to ride it down the steep driveway with no hands four or five times a day.

Boom. Done. A thousand miles from the ocean, but ready to stand up and ride.

Lastly, and most importantly, a surf virgin must look the part. Presentation is everything. Look good, play good.

I was gifted shit genetics from the males on the less aquatic side of my family. Unfortunately, I have a hairline that’s receding at a frightening rate. I won’t have the requisite lettuce on my head when I slide my board into the water for the first time.

I’d like to pay for one of those hair transplant procedures and one day really feel what it’s like to shake out my salt-kissed locks under the sun. But unless BeachGrit raises their freelancing rate, I’ve got a better chance of riding one of those real scary-looking waves off the coast of Nazare.

The rest of my appearance I can control though.

I plan to donate my Carhartt shirts and flannel jackets to the local Goodwill upon arriving on the West Coast, and replace them with t-shirt’s from that Mr. Zogg fella. Sex Wax! How cool, beachy and fun!

Oooh, and maybe I’ll get a pair of those cute Reef sandals with the convenient bottle opener on the bottom. You know, for cervezas after a day out and paddling about in the salty stuff with my pals.

I’ve also been practicing my shaka in the mirror, though I never take my shirt off. My ex-girlfriend recently poked fun at my paleness and said I need to start figuring out a way to get a real base.

Otherwise, if I’m the guy in a sun shirt at the beach, I risk mockery from the locals– like the fat kid wearing a cotton t-shirt while flapping around the shallow end at the end-of-school-year pool party.

But SPF 30 is the lowest I can go without risking sun poisoning. Not a problem. I originally hail from New Jersey, the land of the spray tan. I don’t fear any artificial coloring of the skin.

Whatever it takes to blend in, this surf virgin will do.

I’m dutifully preparing, and I truly think I’m ready, but I’m also doing my best to keep expectations in check.

The last time I was this excited to pop a cherry, I left the captain of the cheerleading squad rather disappointed and had to sneak out of my mother’s house in the middle of the night to dispose of an entire set of sheets.

(Read Adrian’s debut story here, “I’ve never surfed before but I think I probably should!” here.) 


Matthew Perry (left) and his doppelgänger (insert). Photo: Friends
Matthew Perry (left) and his doppelgänger (insert). Photo: Friends

Secrets of Matthew Perry’s love life emerge from surf doppelgänger

A peak (get it?) behind closed doors.

The sadness around Matthew Perry’s sudden passing has not yet abated. Surf fans of the beloved Friend devastated. The only relief coming from the fact Perry redeemed himself after denigrating the greatest surf actor of all time Keanu Reeves. In his memoir, you’ll remember, Perry wondered why River Phoenix and Heath Ledger were dead but Reeves, who brought us Johnny Utah, wasn’t.

The surf world immediately took up arms and was ready to storm Pacific Palisades. Mercifully, Perry took back the slur. He said, furthermore, it would be removed from future runs of Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing.

Gracious.

The actor who brought Chandler Bing to life, was found dead in his hot tub, anyhow, drowned days before Halloween.

Though the general public was less aware of Perry’s ties to surf, the connections grow stronger almost daily. Johnny Utah-gate. The beautiful apology the fact that his home was a stone’s throw Sunset Beach, his last date being a Monster Girl etc.

Matthew Perry and Little Night Music

Now, word is coming from notable podcaster David Lee Scales about Perry’s amorous proclivities. Scales, who says his dentist’s wife tells him that he looks exactly like Matthew Perry every time he visits the office, also dated or knew a girl who Tinder dated Matthew Perry for months.

According to Scales, she said that the actor refused to take his shirt off full stop. Shirt on during the day. Shirt on when lounging poolside. Shirt on when making a little night music.

Do you find that surprising?

Relatable?

Are you a shirt-to-bed wearer?

Yet another reason, I suppose, to cut the red tape and get Matthew Perry’s surfing sainthood fast tracked.

Chandler Bing Surfboards.

Scales and I spoke about his doppelgänger on today’s show and also the importance of grumpy locals in the world. I was derailed after the Perry revelation, though, because David Lee shared that he goes to the dentist once every six months.

Once every six months?

I can’t remember the last time that I had my pearly whites attended to.

Wild times.

Listen here.