Surf-adjacent billionaire Mark Zuckerberg destroys knee in fight simulation gone wrong!

"Tore my ACL sparring. I was training for a competitive MMA fight early next year."

The surfer-turned-fighter Mark Zuckerberg, described by Kai Lenny as “really cool” and “super fit. Like … strong, strong strong” has been proved mortal after an MMA sparring session went horribly wrong.

“Tore my ACL sparring and just got out of surgery to replace it,” Zuckerberg, who is thirty-nine, wrote to his twelve-million fans. “Grateful for the doctors and team taking care of me. I was training for a competitive MMA fight early next year, but now that’s delayed a bit. Still looking forward to doing it after I recover. Thanks to everyone for the love and support.”

A cavalcade of surfers were quickly to wish the Facebook billionaire well including Jamie O’Brien, Billy Kemper, “Human Viagra” Raimana Van Bastolaer, Lucas “Chumbo” Chianca, RVCA founder and, surprisingly, surfer funnyman Jonathan Wayne Freeman.

You’ll recall Freeman challenged Zuckerberg to a cage fight following the delisting of Kook of the Day from Instagram, which Zuckerberg owns.

“Two Years Ago I was Privileged enough to Teach @zuck how to surf at the World Famous Doheny…not gonna lie…the cat was one ☝️ of the worst I have ever coached . He requested a @gathsports Helmet after his first wipeout and a Band Aid for a small boo boo he received on his elbow from a fin cut. My Favorite part of the Lesson however was when I spoon fed him with a shovel on The Art of the Towel Change. I hate to call him out on this but since @kookoftheday has been gone and we have to use our backup account @kookofthedayog the Gloves have come off. We could of had something Beautiful @zuck . I eagerly await your response about our MMA Fight. If I win @kookoftheday goes back up. If I lose…my Family disowns me and I am mocked for generations to come.

(The smart money was on Zuckerberg if he’d taken on the fight. He is trained in the art of strangulation and striking and is some twenty years younger than the late middle-aged Freeman who carries a distinctly bourgeois body.)

Conspicuous by his absent from both likes and comments, however, was Zuckerberg’s former BFF Kai Lenny. Their friendship appeared to flounder when Zuckerberg shared a video of himself training MMA with UFC debutante Kha “The Shadow” Wu, even calling it “the best sport.”

In the video, Zuckerberg, whose foil-boarding escapades along Kauai’s Ne Pali coast with Lenny had become the stuff of legend, rolled easily through the various disciplines of mixed martial arts, kickboxing, wrestling, jiujitsu, and at one point even arm-barred his quarry.

On a podcast with Joe Rogan, Zuckerberg explained the pivot away from surfing.

“From the very first session that I did, like five minutes in, I was like, ‘Where has this been my whole life?’ All right. My mom made me do three varsity sports and my life took a wrong turn when I chose to do fencing competitively instead of wrestling in high school or something…

“There’s just something that’s so primal about it… Since then, I’ve just introduced a bunch of my friends to it. That’s been really fun, because now it’s like we train together and wrestle together. There’s a certain intensity to it that I like. Maybe there’s this cultural thing where a lot of people haven’t considered it. I’ve had 100 percent hit rate of introducing friends to it and converting them to people who now train. Every single person who I’ve shown it to is like, ‘This is amazing. This is obviously how I should be training and working out.’”