Breaking: Oahu, Hawaii’s Westside “Birthplace of Mixed Martial Arts” set to receive brand new wave tank!

Welcome to paradise, now you're in hell!

If there is one common refrain seasonal tourists mumble on their way in and out of Honolulu International Airport it is, “Oahu doesn’t have enough waves. Pipeline? Yawn. Waimea? Snore. Queens, Makaha, Off-the-Wall, Sunset, Pupukea, Zippers, Ala Moana Bowls…. booooring.”

Well, ever aiming to please, the state body has tentatively OK’d an inland wave tank and let’s learn all about what is being called Honokea Surf Village directly from Hawaii’s KITV, your home for island news.

Surfing in Hawaii may be getting a whole new look on land.

A proposed park project called Honokea Surf Village could be built on 19 acres of vacant state land in Kalaeloa

The center of it would include a 5-acre wave pool where big and small waves will be generated for pros and first timers. The proposed plans also include a lazy river, skate park, buildings and more.

Total cost of the project is an estimated 72 million dollars.

It’s not clear when construction will begin.

Wednesday, the Hawaii Community Development Authority gave the company HK Management the OK to explore the feasibility of the spot.

KITV reached out to the developers behind the surf village for more details but we have not yet heard back.

Many questions.

Which technology will the tank employ? Wavegarden? Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch? American Wave Machines?

How will localism be enforced?

Will the wave reach 50 feet every eight or so years for a possible running of the Eddie?

Many, many questions.


"I hate you."

Revealed: Great White shark attacked Mick Fanning in South Africa due intense personal hatred for Australian champ not over color of board!

Science.

It seems like an entire lifetime since Australian champion Michael Eugene Fanning was attacked by a Great White shark whilst surfing a heat in South Africa but it was only 2015.

The greatest moment in World Surf League history? Yes, especially since surfing’s governing body has only been around since 2015. Or maybe 2014. In any case, I image that day fired co-Waterperson of the Year Dirk Ziff’s capitalist spirit. I bet he saw the spike of international wall-to-wall coverage and thought, “People love professional surfing!”

Of course he was wrong and also rude to think about such things as Mick Fanning was struggling with the heavy existential question of “Why.” Why had the shark tangled with him and not Julian Wilson or Jordy Smith or Gabriel Medina? What had he done?

After much wrestling, he deduced that it was the color of his surfboard that led to the terrifying incident and let’s reminisce, briefly, with Time magazine.

Australian surfer Mick Fanning—who made headlines around the world last month after he fended off a shark attack in South Africa’s Jeffreys Bay on live television—was back in competition for the first time since that incident this weekend, but without his trusty yellow surfboard.

After hearing that some divers called the color of his old board “yum yum yellow” because it is thought to attract sharks, Fanning opted to swap his yellow board for blue and black one, Australian news portal news.com.au reports.

Well, a brand-new, just released scientific study directly debunks the “yum yum yellow” theory and let’s turn to everyone’s favorite SciTechDaily for the latest in a provocative article titled: “Fascinating Shark and Ray Vision Evolution Research Reveals Sharks Can’t See Colors.”

In his team’s new study, they have shown that all cartilaginous fishes, similar to the marine mammals, have lost the SWS1 and SWS2 opsin genes. Sharks and rays do contain both rod and cone photoreceptors; however rays possess two cone opsin genes whereas sharks have only one cone. Sharks therefore were found to have lost the ability to see colors.

“Furthermore, we provided measurements of the spectral characteristics of the visual pigments expressed in nine species of ray and two species of shark,” said Hart. “We can now confirm that all the shark species studied to date appear to be cone monochromats but report that in different species the single cone opsin may be of either the LWS or the RH2 class of opsins.”

“Broadly speaking, color discrimination may be useful for behaviors such as prey detection, predator avoidance, and mate choice. Given that many ray species spend considerable periods of time resting on or partially buried in the substrate, color vision may instead aid in the detection of approaching overhead predators through either enhancement of visual contrast or elimination of achromatic flicker.”

So, since sharks can’t see colors it can only mean that the Great White attacked Mick Fanning there in South Africa due an intense personal hatred.

What had Mick done?

How should he now feel?

Is there a way for the World Surf fLeague to further monetize?

More as the story develops.


Discretion advised when swimming with Whites.

Shark fisherman reveals secrets of Great Whites: “Three-second memories, cage diving doesn’t teach ’em to associate humans with food (but) if you’re in the water with a hungry White you’re finished!”

“If you can’t dance, don’t go to the party....”

I just hung up the phone with a forty-year vet of the South Australian fisheries industry, a guy I won’t name ’cause emotions run to boiling when it comes to Great Whites.

And, who needs either side, the killers or the huggers, twisting your words to either hang or beatify you?

Figured he’d have an interesting take on the animal that he sees almost every day he takes his little boat out to get his piece of the ocean.

On attacks: “I’d hate to see a shark attack on a person. I’ve seen ’em hit other shit and they’re no different to a Bull Mastiff dog once they get a bit of a sniff in their nostrils. If you’re in the water and there’s a hungry White you’re finished.”

On cage-diving boats attracting Whites: “One shark expert I met from Holland suggested that shark boats don’t have any bearing because they don’t have that repetitive memory. I agree. But while they may have three-second memories, they’ve got their engraved compass of life, what they do, where they travel to, that stuff’s in ’em, and that’s why they go to places like the Neptune Islands, but the will to survive overcomes everything. If they smell something they’ll have a look. If the Pointer’s just eaten, he might swim right past you. Others are starving and they have a completely different attitude.”

On behavioural differences between Whites: “They’re a big, beautiful creature but some are dumb as dog shit or haven’t developed a fear for anything while others, usually older one, are more agile more wary. All have different characteristics. Some will break the surface, for instance, while others won’t go near it.”

On Whites and water temperature: “They don’t like the warm water. It’s gotta be sixteen or seventeen degrees. Down around Cactus, the water’s been too warm. There hasn’t been any close encounters or even real legit sightings since 2000 when Jevan Wright and Cameron Bayes were taken.”

On the prevalence of big Whites: “The numbers are increasing but you don’t see as many sixteen-or-seventeen footers anymore. It’s been years since I saw I big one. But lots of little one, five-to-twelve feet. No tags on ’em either and they’re tagging ’em flat out.”

On beached dead whales: “Going surfing within twenty-miles of a dead whale is a no, no. Whites are steaming up and down the coast and can’t find it because it’s out of the water and they’re losing their minds. The big night tides wash all the oil, this big puddle of stinking dead whale out to sea, and the sharks follow it.”

On culling: “It’s cruel. If you can’t dance, don’t go to the party.”


Breaking: John Florence and Kolohe Andino will not be “allowed” to protest for Hawaiian sovereignty at the Tokyo Olympics!

Time for rebels to rebel!

If professional surfing is known for one thing it is that its professional surfers, passionate, wise, knowledgable love to use their elevated social position to shine light on various injustices happening across the globe.

From Rwanda to Darfur, climate change to the Syrian Civil War professional surfers are there making their voices heard, making our voices heard but alas, this summer in Tokyo when professional surfing makes its Olympic debut there will be no fists raised in the air to demand Hawai’i regains its brutally stolen sovereignty. No knee on the ground when the usurper’s flag floats above Brazil’s and Australia’s and the usurper’s song plays loud.

For it was announced yesterday that the International Olympic Committee, responsible for rules etc., has decreed there shall be no protests allowed. No protests of any kind.

What? You don’t trust a surf-themed tabloid with predilection for sharks? Well, let us turn together to Jeff Bezos’ The Washington Post for more.

The International Olympic Committee warned athletes Thursday not to participate in specific forms of political protest at the 2020 Summer Games in Tokyo, including kneeling, political hand gestures and wearing or holding signs or armbands.

The committee published a three-page document of guidelines to fortify Rule 50 of the International Olympic Charter, which states in part, “No kind of demonstration or political, religious or racial propaganda is permitted in any Olympic sites, venues or other areas.”

“We needed clarity, and they wanted clarity on the rules,” Kirsty Coventry of Zimbabwe, chair of the IOC Athletes’ Commission, which helped create the new document, told the Associated Press. “The majority of athletes feel it is very important that we respect each other as athletes.”

But aren’t professional surfers wild rebels who refuse to do what the man tells them?

Yes. We were all cut from a contrarian stock and I think John Florence’s, Kolohe Andino’s, protest for Hawai’ian freedom will bring the iconic moment of these Games.

Mele Kalikimaka!


"Ouch! My fin! It's man-eating time..."

Kitchen Confidential: New Jersey officially bans harvest of “sexy” shark fins thus increasing vicious, “man-eating” Great White population by 72 million!

Oh hell.

And oh no, oh drat, oh hell because that’s where we are currently living. Smack dab in the middle of a Great White, Tiger and Bull hell. You well know how they’re eating us by the tens. You well know that scuba divers, soccer players and surfers, especially surfers, are considered delicious crudités amongst their vicious, man-eating numbers but, real quick, would you like to hear a funny story?

For years and years I thought crudités was pronounced “crud-ites” and would order them thusly at fancy restaurants. “Yes, garçon, I would like the steak frites but bring the crud-ites first.”

Embarrassing except… whatever. I’m an Applied Linguist by education. Language is what we make it.

In any case, there are soon going to be 72 million more Great Whites, Tigers and Bulls swimming around The United States’ Eastern Seaboard as New Jersey’s governor just banned-ish the illegal harvest of tasty, libido reviving shark fins but this issue is extremely serious and we must not take my word. We must turn to NorthJersey.com for truth and reconciliation.

Shark fins will be banned in New Jersey next year under a law signed Thursday by Gov. Phil Murphy.

The new law is designed to end the shark fin trade, which kills about 72 million sharks a year, primarily for soup, according to Humane Society International. Shark fin soup is a delicacy in Asia, but the method of making it poses a threat to the fish.

Sharks are caught and their fins are cut off while they are still alive — a practice known as shark finning — before being released back into the water to drown or bleed to death. At least 70 shark species are at risk of extinction because of the practice, according to the advocacy group Wild Aid.

“Shark fins are often obtained in a very inhumane manner that causes much suffering to the animal,” Murphy said in a statement. “I am proud to sign this law that will prevent the catch and release of sharks for the purpose of cutting off their fins.”

The ban takes effect Jan. 1, 2021, but it doesn’t necessarily mean shark fin soup will vanish from restaurant menus. The Animal Welfare Institute maintains a list of restaurants it found serving shark fin dishes in states that have enacted bans.

Wait.

There are more than 3 shark species? There are 70?

Oh… shit.

Oh……..shit.

We’re officially finished.

And so are Chinese libidos.

More as the story develops.