"I hate you."

Revealed: Great White shark attacked Mick Fanning in South Africa due intense personal hatred for Australian champ not over color of board!

Science.

It seems like an entire lifetime since Australian champion Michael Eugene Fanning was attacked by a Great White shark whilst surfing a heat in South Africa but it was only 2015.

The greatest moment in World Surf League history? Yes, especially since surfing’s governing body has only been around since 2015. Or maybe 2014. In any case, I image that day fired co-Waterperson of the Year Dirk Ziff’s capitalist spirit. I bet he saw the spike of international wall-to-wall coverage and thought, “People love professional surfing!”

Of course he was wrong and also rude to think about such things as Mick Fanning was struggling with the heavy existential question of “Why.” Why had the shark tangled with him and not Julian Wilson or Jordy Smith or Gabriel Medina? What had he done?

After much wrestling, he deduced that it was the color of his surfboard that led to the terrifying incident and let’s reminisce, briefly, with Time magazine.

Australian surfer Mick Fanning—who made headlines around the world last month after he fended off a shark attack in South Africa’s Jeffreys Bay on live television—was back in competition for the first time since that incident this weekend, but without his trusty yellow surfboard.

After hearing that some divers called the color of his old board “yum yum yellow” because it is thought to attract sharks, Fanning opted to swap his yellow board for blue and black one, Australian news portal news.com.au reports.

Well, a brand-new, just released scientific study directly debunks the “yum yum yellow” theory and let’s turn to everyone’s favorite SciTechDaily for the latest in a provocative article titled: “Fascinating Shark and Ray Vision Evolution Research Reveals Sharks Can’t See Colors.”

In his team’s new study, they have shown that all cartilaginous fishes, similar to the marine mammals, have lost the SWS1 and SWS2 opsin genes. Sharks and rays do contain both rod and cone photoreceptors; however rays possess two cone opsin genes whereas sharks have only one cone. Sharks therefore were found to have lost the ability to see colors.

“Furthermore, we provided measurements of the spectral characteristics of the visual pigments expressed in nine species of ray and two species of shark,” said Hart. “We can now confirm that all the shark species studied to date appear to be cone monochromats but report that in different species the single cone opsin may be of either the LWS or the RH2 class of opsins.”

“Broadly speaking, color discrimination may be useful for behaviors such as prey detection, predator avoidance, and mate choice. Given that many ray species spend considerable periods of time resting on or partially buried in the substrate, color vision may instead aid in the detection of approaching overhead predators through either enhancement of visual contrast or elimination of achromatic flicker.”

So, since sharks can’t see colors it can only mean that the Great White attacked Mick Fanning there in South Africa due an intense personal hatred.

What had Mick done?

How should he now feel?

Is there a way for the World Surf fLeague to further monetize?

More as the story develops.


Discretion advised when swimming with Whites.

Shark fisherman reveals secrets of Great Whites: “Three-second memories, cage diving doesn’t teach ’em to associate humans with food (but) if you’re in the water with a hungry White you’re finished!”

“If you can’t dance, don’t go to the party....”

I just hung up the phone with a forty-year vet of the South Australian fisheries industry, a guy I won’t name ’cause emotions run to boiling when it comes to Great Whites.

And, who needs either side, the killers or the huggers, twisting your words to either hang or beatify you?

Figured he’d have an interesting take on the animal that he sees almost every day he takes his little boat out to get his piece of the ocean.

On attacks: “I’d hate to see a shark attack on a person. I’ve seen ’em hit other shit and they’re no different to a Bull Mastiff dog once they get a bit of a sniff in their nostrils. If you’re in the water and there’s a hungry White you’re finished.”

On cage-diving boats attracting Whites: “One shark expert I met from Holland suggested that shark boats don’t have any bearing because they don’t have that repetitive memory. I agree. But while they may have three-second memories, they’ve got their engraved compass of life, what they do, where they travel to, that stuff’s in ’em, and that’s why they go to places like the Neptune Islands, but the will to survive overcomes everything. If they smell something they’ll have a look. If the Pointer’s just eaten, he might swim right past you. Others are starving and they have a completely different attitude.”

On behavioural differences between Whites: “They’re a big, beautiful creature but some are dumb as dog shit or haven’t developed a fear for anything while others, usually older one, are more agile more wary. All have different characteristics. Some will break the surface, for instance, while others won’t go near it.”

On Whites and water temperature: “They don’t like the warm water. It’s gotta be sixteen or seventeen degrees. Down around Cactus, the water’s been too warm. There hasn’t been any close encounters or even real legit sightings since 2000 when Jevan Wright and Cameron Bayes were taken.”

On the prevalence of big Whites: “The numbers are increasing but you don’t see as many sixteen-or-seventeen footers anymore. It’s been years since I saw I big one. But lots of little one, five-to-twelve feet. No tags on ’em either and they’re tagging ’em flat out.”

On beached dead whales: “Going surfing within twenty-miles of a dead whale is a no, no. Whites are steaming up and down the coast and can’t find it because it’s out of the water and they’re losing their minds. The big night tides wash all the oil, this big puddle of stinking dead whale out to sea, and the sharks follow it.”

On culling: “It’s cruel. If you can’t dance, don’t go to the party.”


Breaking: John Florence and Kolohe Andino will not be “allowed” to protest for Hawaiian sovereignty at the Tokyo Olympics!

Time for rebels to rebel!

If professional surfing is known for one thing it is that its professional surfers, passionate, wise, knowledgable love to use their elevated social position to shine light on various injustices happening across the globe.

From Rwanda to Darfur, climate change to the Syrian Civil War professional surfers are there making their voices heard, making our voices heard but alas, this summer in Tokyo when professional surfing makes its Olympic debut there will be no fists raised in the air to demand Hawai’i regains its brutally stolen sovereignty. No knee on the ground when the usurper’s flag floats above Brazil’s and Australia’s and the usurper’s song plays loud.

For it was announced yesterday that the International Olympic Committee, responsible for rules etc., has decreed there shall be no protests allowed. No protests of any kind.

What? You don’t trust a surf-themed tabloid with predilection for sharks? Well, let us turn together to Jeff Bezos’ The Washington Post for more.

The International Olympic Committee warned athletes Thursday not to participate in specific forms of political protest at the 2020 Summer Games in Tokyo, including kneeling, political hand gestures and wearing or holding signs or armbands.

The committee published a three-page document of guidelines to fortify Rule 50 of the International Olympic Charter, which states in part, “No kind of demonstration or political, religious or racial propaganda is permitted in any Olympic sites, venues or other areas.”

“We needed clarity, and they wanted clarity on the rules,” Kirsty Coventry of Zimbabwe, chair of the IOC Athletes’ Commission, which helped create the new document, told the Associated Press. “The majority of athletes feel it is very important that we respect each other as athletes.”

But aren’t professional surfers wild rebels who refuse to do what the man tells them?

Yes. We were all cut from a contrarian stock and I think John Florence’s, Kolohe Andino’s, protest for Hawai’ian freedom will bring the iconic moment of these Games.

Mele Kalikimaka!


"Ouch! My fin! It's man-eating time..."

Kitchen Confidential: New Jersey officially bans harvest of “sexy” shark fins thus increasing vicious, “man-eating” Great White population by 72 million!

Oh hell.

And oh no, oh drat, oh hell because that’s where we are currently living. Smack dab in the middle of a Great White, Tiger and Bull hell. You well know how they’re eating us by the tens. You well know that scuba divers, soccer players and surfers, especially surfers, are considered delicious crudités amongst their vicious, man-eating numbers but, real quick, would you like to hear a funny story?

For years and years I thought crudités was pronounced “crud-ites” and would order them thusly at fancy restaurants. “Yes, garçon, I would like the steak frites but bring the crud-ites first.”

Embarrassing except… whatever. I’m an Applied Linguist by education. Language is what we make it.

In any case, there are soon going to be 72 million more Great Whites, Tigers and Bulls swimming around The United States’ Eastern Seaboard as New Jersey’s governor just banned-ish the illegal harvest of tasty, libido reviving shark fins but this issue is extremely serious and we must not take my word. We must turn to NorthJersey.com for truth and reconciliation.

Shark fins will be banned in New Jersey next year under a law signed Thursday by Gov. Phil Murphy.

The new law is designed to end the shark fin trade, which kills about 72 million sharks a year, primarily for soup, according to Humane Society International. Shark fin soup is a delicacy in Asia, but the method of making it poses a threat to the fish.

Sharks are caught and their fins are cut off while they are still alive — a practice known as shark finning — before being released back into the water to drown or bleed to death. At least 70 shark species are at risk of extinction because of the practice, according to the advocacy group Wild Aid.

“Shark fins are often obtained in a very inhumane manner that causes much suffering to the animal,” Murphy said in a statement. “I am proud to sign this law that will prevent the catch and release of sharks for the purpose of cutting off their fins.”

The ban takes effect Jan. 1, 2021, but it doesn’t necessarily mean shark fin soup will vanish from restaurant menus. The Animal Welfare Institute maintains a list of restaurants it found serving shark fin dishes in states that have enacted bans.

Wait.

There are more than 3 shark species? There are 70?

Oh… shit.

Oh……..shit.

We’re officially finished.

And so are Chinese libidos.

More as the story develops.


World Surf League President of Content, Media, Etc. Erik “ELo” Logan, seated, the glamorous face of the vulnerable adult learner. | Photo: elo_eriklogan

Longtom: “Farewells twenty-tens, the decade of the VAL and the Great White apocalypse!”

As chaos threatens to carry-over into the new decade the only surfer constant this past decade, as he was in the previous and will be in the current: Mr Robert Kelly Slater.

Did we really just sleepwalk into a new Decade without an epitaph for the old one? I believe we did.

Chas alluded to an avalanche of (upcoming) listicles, writer Karl Von Fanningstadt took a swing at the rankings of the various World Titles but the greater task of writing the Epitaph for the recently concluded twenty-tens remains undone.

With BG now recognised by mainstream media as the website of record for surf, I think the important historical task belongs here.

Warshaw, of course, has written beatifically on the subject but dragged his analysis out to the start of the decade. Ours begins in twenty ten.

Farewells twenty-tens, you was book-ended by death. Andy Irons died November 2010, the surf industry, as we knew it, officially kicked the bucket with the sales of Rip Curl and Hurley in 2019.

I can’t help feeling those two facts are connected. Andy’s death and all the official and unofficial BS that went with it shattered a fragile truce between the base and the industry. The surf industry never again enjoyed “buy-in” from surfers. We saw it now as something alien. Something malign. Pundits said that wouldn’t matter, the kids in the malls were the main customers anyhow.

Billionaires, hedge fund traders, venture capitalists suits of all flavours; visionaries who saw – what? – in pro surfing. Presumably money, but more likely, charmed and seduced by a meeting with Kelly, they saw a lifestyle and status upgrade. A present from a billionaire to his wife. A plaything, in short. Picked up for a song. It didn’t seem the same without Dane, even with Dirk Ziff pumping millions into it.

Politics has taught us one thing: you lose the base and you lose everything.

There was a Messiah waiting in the wings who could have resurrected it. Dane blew up in the early twenty tens. There was no quibbling, no debate. He was the best. And when he turned his back on it, not just the industry but pro surfing was adrift in a very big sea, with a lot of very hungry sharks.

Billionaires, hedge fund traders, venture capitalists suits of all flavours; visionaries who saw – what? – in pro surfing. Presumably money, but more likely, charmed and seduced by a meeting with Kelly, they saw a lifestyle and status upgrade. A present from a billionaire to his wife. A plaything, in short. Picked up for a song. It didn’t seem the same without Dane, even with Dirk Ziff pumping millions into it.

Despite the cash injection, with Dane gone, the Tour went back to the conservative Aus power surfing tradition. Stale years followed before the herald of the major transformation of pro surfing took his first Title. Medina’s 2014 Title ushered in the Brazilian storm. They owned the rest of the Decade. With the retirement of the Australian stalwarts Taj, Mick and Parko, John John Florence stands alone against the Brazilian onslaught.

Pro surfing was not a goldmine for the new owners. Paul Speaker stood aside in January 2017, his chief achievements being the acquisition of the ASP for nix and a purchase of a majority stake in the Kelly Slater wave pool.

Matt Warshaw called the 2015 reveal of the Slater pool surfing’s BC/AD moment. That maybe true. I prefer to think of it as our version of splitting the atom, and like that event the ramifications and future contingencies will be impossible to predict. At the end of the Decade the number of commercial wavepools globally can still be counted on two hands.

Australia became ground zero for our beloved shark apocalypse, most likely as White shark numbers began to recover after two decades of protected status. Western Australia suffered a horror run before Ballina had a year of terror. The land of the free is now in full catch-up mode as White sharks populations in the Atlantic and Pacific continue to rise.

Skeleton Bay became the premium “free” surfing location on Earth, with other mysto spots in West Africa sparking the allure of the hunt for the perfect wave, an ideal which may come to seem quaint for future generations raised on the reality of techno-surf on demand.

Australia’s loss of prestige in competitive pro surfing, as far as biological males go, was counter-balanced by it’s dominance in freesurfing. Noa Deane, Chippa Wilson, Craig Anderson dropped insurmountable edits. Torryn Martyn became a mid-length hero in the age of the Vlog. Mick Fanning transitioned seamlessly into a retirement as paid vagabond, ably assisted by Mason Ho.

A big-wave Tour came and went. Ireland blossomed as a big wave venue. Mavericks faded and Jaws cemented it’s spot as the premium big wave location on the Planet.

More people surfed, less people cared about pro surfing. It was the decade of the VAL. Celebrity VAL’s owned surfing. Val kilmer, Matt McConaghy, Elle McPherson, The Hemsworth bros, Mark Zuckerberg. Murfers went mainstream, the dream of longboarding the Pass with a million pals was about the most potent fantasy in popular culture as the twenty-tens drew down to their dreadful conclusion.

Sophie Goldschmidt, a tennis playing CEO, who had barely heard of surfing five years ago, took up the reins at the WSL and went full steam into wavepools and gender equality. Present history judges the first action harshly while the second came to fruition as sixteen-year-old Caroline Marks walked off the beach after surfing two-foot onshore D-Bah with the same first place prizemoney as Italo Ferreira, despite having to defeat only half the number of fellow competitors. Womens sports remains in the ascendancy, with surfing now at the front of the grid.

Chaos loomed as VAL numbers exploded and local lineups groaned. Localism itself, or at least the violent assertion of it, ended up in the dock with the famous assault case of Mark “Carcass” Thomson on Jodie Cooper.

Still, some elders, including former World Champ Nat Young continued to assert that the more surfers the better and that, in fact, the planet would be better off as a result of the increased level of “surfer consciousness”.

It was as if Satan himself was offended by this suggestion.

He ended the decade raining hellfire on the surfer consciousness dominated east coast of Australia. Fires claimed the properties of Derek Hynd, then Nat Young himself, the factory of Darren Handley and many, many more at hamlets up and down the east coast of Aus.

As chaos threatens to carry-over into the new decade the only surfer constant this past decade, as he was in the previous and will be in the current: Mr Robert Kelly Slater.

Now, the paperwork is up to date, yes?

Did we miss anything?