Cape Cod Great White shark attack
SUP pilot Ray Trautz's real shark looking lineup. | Photo: Ray Trautz

Cape Cod surfers survive “violent” attack by Great White shark!

“Had I not been on a SUP this event would have played out very differently.”

Two surfers from that pretty little peninsula called Cape Cod, which is in Massachusetts and shaped like a Hebrew beak from an illustrated Protocols of the Elders of Zion pamphlet, survived an attack by a Great White shark yesterday.

Ray Trautz, a stand-up paddle boarder, surf-adjacent as they say, although he appears very good in his self-published photos, described the Great White hit on Facebook. 

“I took overnight to bring myself to write these words,” Trautz writes. 

“Yesterday on November 4th 2023 at about noon my cousin Pete Emond and I were surfing by ourselves over in front of the VIP house at Coast Guard beach. Pete was sitting on his board and I was standing on mine when I looked over my shoulder and a ten-foot Great White shark was on track right at Pete’s legs. 

“The shark even turned on its side as if to take a leg. In that moment I yelled SHAARRRRK as Pete was still unaware. As I yelled, I stabbed my paddle into the water at the back of the shark. It violently turned at me, tail and head thrashing back and forth erupting the water. 

“The shark’s massive tail section almost hit Pete in the face. I was yelling for Pete to go and get to shore as the shark circled behind me very aggressive and agitated. 

“As the shark circled I circled and kept him from being behind me. In that moment a small wave came across the bar and in two quick strokes I was flying towards the beach.  

“We both escaped unharmed and a little shaken. I’ve seen a hundred white sharks while surfing but this takes the top of all my shark interactions.  

“Had I not been on a SUP this event would have played out very differently.” 

Great Whites and surfers have had a pretty ordinary relationship, at least of late.

Six days ago, a surfer in Australia was disappeared by a Great White; six months before that, and a hundred clicks down the road, another surfer was killed by a Great White in front of a bunch of kids.

Meanwhile, across the USA and heading towards Casa Smith near San Diego,swimmers, paddle-boarders and surfers are co-existing with the renowned man-eaters. Although, in this part of the world they seem anything but, the 2008 hit on a triathlete in Solana Beach notwithstanding.

If you swing over to the remarkable account of Scott Fairchild, you’ll find a San Diego swimmer being followed by a smallish, a relative term of course, juvenile Great White who eventually tires of the game and shoots off.

It’s one of dozens of peaceful interactions with a fish that, in southern California, seems mostly docile.

“It’s important that people realise the truth and that we protect these amazing and vital animals,” Fairchild told Oceangraphic. “I’m very direct with saying that my images are not allowed to be used unless it’s a shark positive piece…I have literally filmed hundreds of hours of footage and watched an incalculable number of encounters with great white sharks swimming right next to swimmers, surfers, stand up paddlers, and so on. This is the truth, the norm, the day-to-day reality of what happens in the ocean. Yes, bites tragically do happen but they are incredibly rare considering the hundreds of thousands of interactions around the world and the millions of possibilities if sharks really wanted to hunt humans.”

He also said, “I can typically find a Great White within two minutes…”

Surfer magazine (pictured) really stepping in it with some poor Andy Irons phrasing.

“Embarrassing” Surfer Magazine implies Andy Irons killed by wife

Re-animated corpse of once-proud "Bible of the Sport" does it again.

The reanimated corpse of Surfer Magazine has been ticking right along, embarrassing itself daily. The once-proud title was purchased by The Arena Group as part of an alleged $25 million package a few months ago. Chairman and CEO Ross Levinsohn was extremely bullish on the purchase, citing “synergies” etc.

Surfer immediately hired a young woman who lived in the shadows of Tennessee’s Smokey Mountains to cover the “Sport of Kings.” Emily Morgan enjoyed “strong coffee, spicy food, and live music” alongside hikes with her trusty Pyrnesse-mix. She was let go after leadership realized her home was 20 hours from the nearest beach. And that she didn’t surf.

Undeterred, the editorial chiefs made a decision to simply copy BeachGrit.

But making ultra hard surf candy is not as easy as it looks. Surfer writers poured shame on the memory John Severson early and often.

Now, in the most awkward turn yet, the “bastion of kook” has suggested the great Andy Irons was killed by his wife. Lyndie Irons, last week, posted a moving tribute to her husband on the 13th anniversary of his death. It was beautiful and surf world came together to celebrate.

Surfer awkwardly attempted to join with the headline “Surfing Great Andy Irons Remembered 13 Years After Death by Widow.”

Oops Surfer Magazine Did It Again

Wives do, of course, sometimes murder their husbands. A famous example is Brynn Hartman, who shot the Saturday Night Live legend Phil after a night of boozing. Patrizia Reggiani also hired a hitman to kill her ex-husband Maurizio Gucci. Usually, though, the husband is responsible for the terrible act.

Oscar Pistorius and Paul Snider come immediately to mind.

Lyndie Irons, to set the record straight, did not murder Andy Irons. Someone should maybe deliver the message to Surfer.

Zach Weisberg? Are you busy?

Sam George can you sprinkle some guru magic?

Mark Zuckerberg with sparring injured
Mark Zuckerberg, wounded bird.

Accident-prone Mark Zuckerberg reveals “multiple surfing injuries” prior to destroying knee!

"Sparring got a little out of hand," Zuckerberg wrote. "May need to update my avatar." 

Yesterday morning, the surfer-turned-combatant and government mandated censor Mark Zuckerberg blew his ACL out in a fight simulation gone horribly wrong, likely a Muay Thai kick caught or given.

Sparring is a sorta dance between two martial artists where the intensity is dialled up or down depending on your partner. Sometimes, and particularly with beginners to the sport who ain’t familiar with the dial or the protocols, it gets out of hand. An ego gets bruised, a loose knee finds a beak or an eye socket.

Tore my ACL sparring and just got out of surgery to replace it,” Zuckerberg wrote to his twelve-million fans. “I was training for a competitive MMA fight early next year.”

Mark Zuckerberg in hospital with ACL repair.
Mark Zuckerberg, surfer, fighter, genius, brave in hospital following knee surgery.

The Anterior Cruciate Ligament is an elastic band of, dunno, maybe connective tissue or something, that connects your thigh bone to your shin bone. It keeps the knee stable and prevents it from twisting or slide out of control. 

Blowing it out is real common. Twist and she pops. 

Zuckerberg, who is thirty-nine, revealed he’d ordered surgeons to replace the damaged item, likely with a piece taken from a cadaver similar to Kelly Slater being nursed back to health with a dead man’s labrum two months ago. 

“(The surgeon) said my Labrum was basically shredded from end to end,” explained Slater. “There were bone spurs on the femur head…I also had a lot of scar tissue. He got in there and said it looked like a war zone, said he had to get in there and chop through the woods.” 

But it’s not Zuckerberg’s first taste of a fist or elbow or knee gone awry.

Only four weeks ago, Zuckerberg posted a photo of himself looking like a wanderer who lives on the margins of the law and frequently wakes up a couple of hundred miles from where he started in the evening without any recollection of how he got there. 

“Sparring got a little out of hand,” Zuckerberg wrote. “May need to update my avatar.” 

“Surfing is dangerous,” quipped 2019 world surfing champion Italo Ferreira to which Zuckerberg replied,

“This was Muay Thai sparring, but plenty of surfing injuries too…”

By my reckoning, Mark Zuckerberg has maybe two years in the martial arts game and three, tops, in surfing.

Jiujitsu, kickboxing, yeah, I get it, we break easily.

But surfing?

Y’ever hear of a man getting so beat up by the most un-extreme sport in the world?

Multiple injuries?

Worst thing that happen to most of us is a sore ear from the cunt in the lineup who won’t zip his beak.


Jason Aldean (left) and Barton Lynch (insert). Twin Papa Surfs.

“Papa Surf” Jason Aldean reveals wild connection to Barton Lynch!

A country superstar and a surf legend walk into a bar...

Days ago, surfers became frustrated when it was revealed that country superstar Jason Aldean had opened a surf-themed burger bar. The cultural appropriation was bad, yes. Pure surfface. Aldean, who was born in Georgia and lives in Nashville, is not a surfer. He did not learn young nor did he become a VAL. He is not a surfer and yet, his burger bar is named “Papa Surf.” It features surf-esque items on the menu like the “Turkey Burger,” named after former World Surf League CEO Erik Logan.

Yes, the cultural appropriation was bad but, worse, surfing already has a Papa Surf.

Barton Lynch.

Now, while Jason Aldean and Lynch come from different political backgrounds, they do share certain opinions regarding, say, the Covid vaccination. Aldean recently sat down with the Los Angeles Times in a wide-ranging interview that covered “over-indexing on straight white dudes,” white privilege and the aforementioned jab.

Jason Aldean and Barton Lynch are Strange Bedfellows

When asked if he had received pharma magic, Aldean answered:

No. I felt like I’m a healthy guy, and this was a vaccine that Trump was pushing at the end of his office and Biden was saying, “Oh, don’t do it — it’s too soon.” Then as soon as Biden gets in: “Everybody get the shot.” [Note: In September 2020, Biden said, “I trust vaccines. I trust scientists. But I don’t trust Donald Trump. And at this point, the American people can’t, either.”] To me it was like, I don’t really know what’s going on here, so I’m just gonna stay away from it. That’s what I decided to do, and I’m very happy with my decision.

If I recall, Lynch was asked not to return to the World Surf League broadcast booth even though he was, by far, the best. At the time, Lynch said, “So a couple weeks ago, just to update you, I reached out to the WSL and offered my services, let them know that I was available for any upcoming events but was unfortunately told that I wasn’t needed this year so I won’t be back, I won’t be commentating this year and, uh, well that’s not altogether to be unexpected, I suppose.”

It was widely rumored that the reason was because Lynch, too, repfused the Pfizer.

And might this completely unforeseen coupling of twin Papa Surfs bring about some sort of utopia?

We’d be remiss to write off.

More as the story develops.

Lahina,, Maui (pictured) devastated.
Lahina,, Maui (pictured) devastated.

Surfers worldwide rally around resilient Maui!

The Hawaii Surfing Association (Maui Chapter) needs you!

There is much heartbreak in the news these days, from Ukraine to Gaza, Congo to Sudan. Much to ping pong attention or even deaden the senses. But we must fight the glazed eyes, the overwhelming inertia, and continue to care, invest, learn.

On that note, the devastating wildfires that consumed Maui in August seem like a lifetime ago. Lives, homes, businesses destroyed in a hot blaze. And while eyes are generally elsewhere these days, the brave residents of that valley isle are busy rebuilding.

But help is still needed.

A impactful letter was delivered, yesterday, by a local who is asking for the surf community to stand and deliver.

On the last two episodes of the Grit, that I have listened to, you guys have spoken about the Israel/ Hamas situation and the devastation and destruction caused by said conflict. I would like to remind everyone that Lahaina still needs help. I moved north to Napili years ago but this is the neighborhood that I used to live in.

The reason that I write is because we still need help here. The Maui chapter of the HSA, our version of the NSSA has been impacted financially by this disaster. Some of their key sponsors simply no longer exist. Being a parent, I can tell you that these kids have been through more than enough. I don’t want to go into specifics, but it has been rough. It honestly breaks my heart to even begin to think that the children of Lahaina could possibly lose anything else. HSA Maui is currently accepting donations to help offset the impact from the fire, If anyone out there wanted to help. If any company out there could become a sponsor, that would help as well.


Donate here.