Kelly Slater (left) takes another scalp. Photo: Instagram
Kelly Slater (left) takes another scalp. Photo: Instagram

Artist defaces historically significant surfboard to make Kelly Slater shrine!

Famous designer buried by GOAT.

If we are honest with ourselves, Kelly Slater is surf history. The world’s greatest ever surfer has been at the top of his game as long as many of us have been alive. His eleven world titles. His Eddies and Pipe Masters. His most special and exclusive wildcards. Slater is, of course, a singular force but there was a era that he was not. Back in the before-times.

Now, surfers were mostly pre-literate then leaving social scientists to collect bits of chatter from grumpy locals in order to get a sense of the way things were. Some speak of grifters who lived in the shadow of Malibu. Others of a surfboard shaper-cum-designer named Shaw Stüssy.

According to legend, Stüssy got into the fashion game in 1980. He sold hats and t-shirts from the trunk of his car. His scrawl was instantly recognizable.

Very cool.

It became art though one piece, which has survived, has just been defaced to make a shrine to the aforementioned G.O.A.T.

Artist Victoria White has a very distinctive style and often uses surfboards as her canvas. Most recently she created a shrine to the current world number twenty-three.

Kelly Slater Is Basically Divine

Taking to Instagram, White declared:


I PAINT WHO I LOVE. i do not choose the subjects of my portraits on a whim. before i ever pick up a brush to paint a portrait, i have to get to know the subject, try to understand them, and decide whether i love them, whether i feel inspired by them.

for my first portrait on surfboards, i watched a few surfing documentaries, read a few books, and then finally ended up reading @kellyslater ‘s autobiography, Pipe Dreams. I was so inspired by Kelly’s undeniable and unwavering commitment to his goals, his ability to transform his fears into fuel, and the discipline and devotion that have made him the G.O.A.T. of surfing. there was no question in my mind that I LOVED EVERYTHING KELLY SLATER STOOD FOR, and i had to paint him.

i have unending gratitude for you, @kellyslater, because of the inspiring way in which you have lived your life and for recognizing my work; for the @usopenofsurf and the @wsl , for helping me share my creativity and inspiration; and for my amazing community for supporting my authentic and vulnerable creative process.

Very powerful but let us look at the boards before they were made holy.

Do you notice the penmanship on the middle board there?

The one that became Slater’s nose and earlobes?

Undeniably Stüssy.

I guess better for all, though, that all surf history simply becomes Kelly Slater.

To the turtle moon.

Surfing progressives on Instagram

Surfing progressives describe fragile Jewish state as “grotesque” and “at the nexus of colonisation (and) white supremacy” in latest salvo

Israel is “a deviant grotesque charade that’s fundamentally racist and segregated”

One of the more ironic things of Israel’s latest existential war, see War of Independence (1948), its sassy sequel The Six-Day War (1967) and the almost tragedy of the Yom Kippur War (1973),  is the universal support of surfing’s progressives, the queers, the gender fluid, the feminists and so on. 

Shortly after Hamas gunmen, some carrying ISIS flags, put bullets into hundreds of unarmed civilians in the Israeli towns bordering Gaza, including kids and their pets, and raped the hell out of the cute festival gals before executing ‘em, our own surf feminist and trans-in-sports-activist Lucy Small posted a series of stories about the conflict.

These included a reel  from Al Jazeera showing Hamas terrorists in paragliders landing in Israel and about to murder hundreds with the caption, “Palestinians in Gaza made history as they escaped the world’s largest prison”. 

Hamas terrorists use paragliders to enter Israel, and Lucy Small.
Hamas terrorists use paragliders to enter Israel, and Lucy Small.

(Small explained the apparent contradiction of a feminist and trans-activist supporting a religious fascist group notorious for killing gays and subjugating women with, “The end of occupation may allow for healing. It is common in communities affected by armed violence, rates of domestic violence and violence against women are higher – it’s a tragic part of war.”)

In her latest salvo, Small describes Israel as being “at the nexus of colonisation, white supremacy, capitalism and (the) military industrial complex…”

Lucy Small Instagram post about Palestine v Israel conflict

Over at gay-trans-activists Surf Equity, whom we last saw on these pages when they slammed Pipe Queen Moana Jones Wong for wrong-think, pro-Palestinian clips are stacked, with short shrift given to the Jewish souls disappeared on October 7. 

Whatever your view of the Jewish state, men with machine guns executing boys and girls, men and women, the old, the infirm…the gay… would warrant at least one post, no? 


The surfing writer Andy Saint Onge has taken it one step further, however.

The Hawaii-based surfer posted a swastika in a Star of David alongside a screed apparently justifying the October 7 massacre.

“The Palestinian response, however militant, is altogether rational — not ‘terrorism’ but armed resistance,” he writes. “Furthermore, Israel’s experiment in so-called ‘Jewish democracy’ has failed miserably. It began with (and was sustained by) theft and brutal apartheid and has finally degenerated into genocide subsidized by the United States — which is complicit (and rightly condemned) for its aid and abetting mass murder.”

Again, surprising the support rallying behind the Islamofascists, the Jews left to the guns, the fires, alone, again.

Andy Saint Onge's anti-Israel post on Instagram
Andy Saint Onge’s Instagram post.

Cape Cod Great White shark attack
SUP pilot Ray Trautz's real shark looking lineup. | Photo: Ray Trautz

Cape Cod surfers survive “violent” attack by Great White shark!

“Had I not been on a SUP this event would have played out very differently.”

Two surfers from that pretty little peninsula called Cape Cod, which is in Massachusetts and shaped like a Hebrew beak from an illustrated Protocols of the Elders of Zion pamphlet, survived an attack by a Great White shark yesterday.

Ray Trautz, a stand-up paddle boarder, surf-adjacent as they say, although he appears very good in his self-published photos, described the Great White hit on Facebook. 

“I took overnight to bring myself to write these words,” Trautz writes. 

“Yesterday on November 4th 2023 at about noon my cousin Pete Emond and I were surfing by ourselves over in front of the VIP house at Coast Guard beach. Pete was sitting on his board and I was standing on mine when I looked over my shoulder and a ten-foot Great White shark was on track right at Pete’s legs. 

“The shark even turned on its side as if to take a leg. In that moment I yelled SHAARRRRK as Pete was still unaware. As I yelled, I stabbed my paddle into the water at the back of the shark. It violently turned at me, tail and head thrashing back and forth erupting the water. 

“The shark’s massive tail section almost hit Pete in the face. I was yelling for Pete to go and get to shore as the shark circled behind me very aggressive and agitated. 

“As the shark circled I circled and kept him from being behind me. In that moment a small wave came across the bar and in two quick strokes I was flying towards the beach.  

“We both escaped unharmed and a little shaken. I’ve seen a hundred white sharks while surfing but this takes the top of all my shark interactions.  

“Had I not been on a SUP this event would have played out very differently.” 

Great Whites and surfers have had a pretty ordinary relationship, at least of late.

Six days ago, a surfer in Australia was disappeared by a Great White; six months before that, and a hundred clicks down the road, another surfer was killed by a Great White in front of a bunch of kids.

Meanwhile, across the USA and heading towards Casa Smith near San Diego,swimmers, paddle-boarders and surfers are co-existing with the renowned man-eaters. Although, in this part of the world they seem anything but, the 2008 hit on a triathlete in Solana Beach notwithstanding.

If you swing over to the remarkable account of Scott Fairchild, you’ll find a San Diego swimmer being followed by a smallish, a relative term of course, juvenile Great White who eventually tires of the game and shoots off.

It’s one of dozens of peaceful interactions with a fish that, in southern California, seems mostly docile.

“It’s important that people realise the truth and that we protect these amazing and vital animals,” Fairchild told Oceangraphic. “I’m very direct with saying that my images are not allowed to be used unless it’s a shark positive piece…I have literally filmed hundreds of hours of footage and watched an incalculable number of encounters with great white sharks swimming right next to swimmers, surfers, stand up paddlers, and so on. This is the truth, the norm, the day-to-day reality of what happens in the ocean. Yes, bites tragically do happen but they are incredibly rare considering the hundreds of thousands of interactions around the world and the millions of possibilities if sharks really wanted to hunt humans.”

He also said, “I can typically find a Great White within two minutes…”

Surfer magazine (pictured) really stepping in it with some poor Andy Irons phrasing.

“Embarrassing” Surfer Magazine implies Andy Irons killed by wife

Re-animated corpse of once-proud "Bible of the Sport" does it again.

The reanimated corpse of Surfer Magazine has been ticking right along, embarrassing itself daily. The once-proud title was purchased by The Arena Group as part of an alleged $25 million package a few months ago. Chairman and CEO Ross Levinsohn was extremely bullish on the purchase, citing “synergies” etc.

Surfer immediately hired a young woman who lived in the shadows of Tennessee’s Smokey Mountains to cover the “Sport of Kings.” Emily Morgan enjoyed “strong coffee, spicy food, and live music” alongside hikes with her trusty Pyrnesse-mix. She was let go after leadership realized her home was 20 hours from the nearest beach. And that she didn’t surf.

Undeterred, the editorial chiefs made a decision to simply copy BeachGrit.

But making ultra hard surf candy is not as easy as it looks. Surfer writers poured shame on the memory John Severson early and often.

Now, in the most awkward turn yet, the “bastion of kook” has suggested the great Andy Irons was killed by his wife. Lyndie Irons, last week, posted a moving tribute to her husband on the 13th anniversary of his death. It was beautiful and surf world came together to celebrate.

Surfer awkwardly attempted to join with the headline “Surfing Great Andy Irons Remembered 13 Years After Death by Widow.”

Oops Surfer Magazine Did It Again

Wives do, of course, sometimes murder their husbands. A famous example is Brynn Hartman, who shot the Saturday Night Live legend Phil after a night of boozing. Patrizia Reggiani also hired a hitman to kill her ex-husband Maurizio Gucci. Usually, though, the husband is responsible for the terrible act.

Oscar Pistorius and Paul Snider come immediately to mind.

Lyndie Irons, to set the record straight, did not murder Andy Irons. Someone should maybe deliver the message to Surfer.

Zach Weisberg? Are you busy?

Sam George can you sprinkle some guru magic?

Mark Zuckerberg with sparring injured
Mark Zuckerberg, wounded bird.

Accident-prone Mark Zuckerberg reveals “multiple surfing injuries” prior to destroying knee!

"Sparring got a little out of hand," Zuckerberg wrote. "May need to update my avatar." 

Yesterday morning, the surfer-turned-combatant and government mandated censor Mark Zuckerberg blew his ACL out in a fight simulation gone horribly wrong, likely a Muay Thai kick caught or given.

Sparring is a sorta dance between two martial artists where the intensity is dialled up or down depending on your partner. Sometimes, and particularly with beginners to the sport who ain’t familiar with the dial or the protocols, it gets out of hand. An ego gets bruised, a loose knee finds a beak or an eye socket.

Tore my ACL sparring and just got out of surgery to replace it,” Zuckerberg wrote to his twelve-million fans. “I was training for a competitive MMA fight early next year.”

Mark Zuckerberg in hospital with ACL repair.
Mark Zuckerberg, surfer, fighter, genius, brave in hospital following knee surgery.

The Anterior Cruciate Ligament is an elastic band of, dunno, maybe connective tissue or something, that connects your thigh bone to your shin bone. It keeps the knee stable and prevents it from twisting or slide out of control. 

Blowing it out is real common. Twist and she pops. 

Zuckerberg, who is thirty-nine, revealed he’d ordered surgeons to replace the damaged item, likely with a piece taken from a cadaver similar to Kelly Slater being nursed back to health with a dead man’s labrum two months ago. 

“(The surgeon) said my Labrum was basically shredded from end to end,” explained Slater. “There were bone spurs on the femur head…I also had a lot of scar tissue. He got in there and said it looked like a war zone, said he had to get in there and chop through the woods.” 

But it’s not Zuckerberg’s first taste of a fist or elbow or knee gone awry.

Only four weeks ago, Zuckerberg posted a photo of himself looking like a wanderer who lives on the margins of the law and frequently wakes up a couple of hundred miles from where he started in the evening without any recollection of how he got there. 

“Sparring got a little out of hand,” Zuckerberg wrote. “May need to update my avatar.” 

“Surfing is dangerous,” quipped 2019 world surfing champion Italo Ferreira to which Zuckerberg replied,

“This was Muay Thai sparring, but plenty of surfing injuries too…”

By my reckoning, Mark Zuckerberg has maybe two years in the martial arts game and three, tops, in surfing.

Jiujitsu, kickboxing, yeah, I get it, we break easily.

But surfing?

Y’ever hear of a man getting so beat up by the most un-extreme sport in the world?

Multiple injuries?

Worst thing that happen to most of us is a sore ear from the cunt in the lineup who won’t zip his beak.