The culture wars come to surf.

Justin Timberlake sure has been copping one, these days. The once-universally adored singer has been marched into the public square and torn limb from limb. It started with Britney Spears releasing her new memoir The Woman in Me. It was an instant best-seller and led to much discussion on Timberlake then much piling on.

The two former Mouseketeers famously began dating when she was seventeen, he eighteen and both on the ascent. She singing instant classics like Hit Me Baby, One More Time. He as one fifth of boy band sensation NSYNC.

It was a fairytale romance, on the surface, adorned in denim though in hindsight apparently not perfect.

Cheating on both sides plus a pregnancy terminated early.

Timberlake eventually ending it all via text.

The big un-chill.

Though nobody seemed to care at the time.

Now, though, knives are out for the SexyBack singer and mostly for his adoption of a “blaccent” or “black accent” sometime in the aughts. He was hammered hard for it, though the tide may be turning back in his favor. Songwriter/Bravolebrity Kandi Burruss recently swung to his defense, telling Page Six, “I just feel like that was young Justin. Leave him alone, y’all. He was a really, really good guy.”

For surfers, the whole imbroglio has ripped the scab off the long-festering “Spicolocution” debate.

Justin Timberlake and the Surf Vernacular

But you are certainly aware of the decades-long depiction of surfers speaking a certain Southern California patois. Keanu Reeves, Sean Penn, Erik Logan bro brah broing to camera. While inoffensive in the Golden State, surfers from New Jersey, Australia’s Gold Coast, Brazil’s Saquarema always recoiled at the depiction.

#NotMeToo.

And reasonable though Hollywood is a machine but also a machine that doesn’t have rearview mirrors.

How then do “surfers” speak?

For my money, like Filipe Toledo.

But, while you are here, did I ever tell you about the time I had brunch with Justin Timberlake in New York? It was lovely and he seemed very kind. We drank coffee, if I recall, though someone might have ordered a mimosa.

No blaccent detected.

Kelly Slater once dated a Justin Timberlake ex.

Happier times.

Like Cloudbreak, J-Bay and Lower Trestles!

Kelly Slater does very little wrong. From inspiring shrines to crafting the world’s first turtle moon sandal, our 11x champion is singular. So many accomplishments, in fact, that some get lost in the mist. But do you recall when he wowed the public while shaming Adriano de Souza by releasing that first clip from his Lemoore Surf Ranch? It seems three lifetimes ago but, really, it is only seven years in the rearview.

Well, the GOAT is back.

Seconds ago, the spritely 57-year-old just dropped the very first clip from his new Abu Dhabi facility.

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“I’ve surfed hundreds of incredible waves across the world and this wave in Abu Dhabi stacks up well against some of the best waves on earth,” the living legend wrote, comparing the wave to Cloudbreak, J-Bay and the world’s greatest venue Lower Trestles.

Big wow.

Watch and then let’s discuss.

Famous designer buried by GOAT.

If we are honest with ourselves, Kelly Slater is surf history. The world’s greatest ever surfer has been at the top of his game as long as many of us have been alive. His eleven world titles. His Eddies and Pipe Masters. His most special and exclusive wildcards. Slater is, of course, a singular force but there was a era that he was not. Back in the before-times.

Now, surfers were mostly pre-literate then leaving social scientists to collect bits of chatter from grumpy locals in order to get a sense of the way things were. Some speak of grifters who lived in the shadow of Malibu. Others of a surfboard shaper-cum-designer named Shaw Stüssy.

According to legend, Stüssy got into the fashion game in 1980. He sold hats and t-shirts from the trunk of his car. His scrawl was instantly recognizable.

Very cool.

It became art though one piece, which has survived, has just been defaced to make a shrine to the aforementioned G.O.A.T.

Artist Victoria White has a very distinctive style and often uses surfboards as her canvas. Most recently she created a shrine to the current world number twenty-three.

Kelly Slater Is Basically Divine

Taking to Instagram, White declared:

“MOTIVATION IS TEMPORARY. INSPIRATION IS PERMANENT.” — KELLY SLATER

I PAINT WHO I LOVE. i do not choose the subjects of my portraits on a whim. before i ever pick up a brush to paint a portrait, i have to get to know the subject, try to understand them, and decide whether i love them, whether i feel inspired by them.

for my first portrait on surfboards, i watched a few surfing documentaries, read a few books, and then finally ended up reading @kellyslater ‘s autobiography, Pipe Dreams. I was so inspired by Kelly’s undeniable and unwavering commitment to his goals, his ability to transform his fears into fuel, and the discipline and devotion that have made him the G.O.A.T. of surfing. there was no question in my mind that I LOVED EVERYTHING KELLY SLATER STOOD FOR, and i had to paint him.

i have unending gratitude for you, @kellyslater, because of the inspiring way in which you have lived your life and for recognizing my work; for the @usopenofsurf and the @wsl , for helping me share my creativity and inspiration; and for my amazing community for supporting my authentic and vulnerable creative process.

Very powerful but let us look at the boards before they were made holy.

Do you notice the penmanship on the middle board there?

The one that became Slater’s nose and earlobes?

Undeniably Stüssy.

I guess better for all, though, that all surf history simply becomes Kelly Slater.

To the turtle moon.